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Original poster

Mum dating a sex offender

332 replies

diegoyeah · 30/04/2023 08:25

I was informed a while ago by social services that the mother of my children (boys 4 and 7) is dating a guy who had admitted to accessing indecent images of children. She then separated from this guy, and I thought all was OK.

My eldest son told me he had been in contact with this guy via a video call ( I'm sure it was just an innocent hello). And so I discovered the relationship had restarted.
I then contacted social services because I wasn't happy with the undue risk.. in response, they informed me that the guy had just been given a 2 year suspended sentence, and they had agreed the recommendation would be for there to be no contact between him and the children.. when i got the closing report, it said parole and MOSOVO classified him as high risk for 13 years of accessing class A child pornography (under 12 involving penetrative sex). Yet social services have put no safeguarding measures in themselves. The mother lied to social services and said my son hadn't spoken to him in a video call, but she told me it did happen under different circumstances than the child described. She has stayed in the relationship and tries to downplay.his crimes.by calling it "image abuse".

It only advice I have had from social services is that I had the right to proactively exercise my parental rights.. but obviously this has its own negative effects..
Any advice?

OP posts:
NettleTea · 30/04/2023 10:36

You talk about breaking a bond with the mother, but you need to understand that you need to act in the best interest of the children. And that a mother who cannot understand or see that it is wrong to be involved with a convicted child sex offender, and who is happy to bend rules to allow that man access via videos calling, does not have the capability, for whatever reasons, to effectively safeguard those children.

If I were in that situation I would

a. call the parole officer and inform that parole has been broken in regards contacting the child via video call
b. inform social services that at next contact you will be keeping the children with you as a safeguarding precaution, and why
c. Inform the police the same thing
d speak to your employer about changing shifts to fit around school runs on a temporary basis - do you have family who can help? talk to the school and see if they have a childminder who they may know who could fit the kids in.

She will need to apply to court to sort/change custody.

On the longer term you will not be liable for CM, so that will help. You can get child benefit paid to you if you are the main resident parent, and that may put you into the place where you may qualify for some universal credit, or help with childcare costs.

through all this social services will be looking at whats in the best interests of the child, and not whats best for the parents, so make sure this is always at the forefront of every approach with authorities. The fact that she has gone back to this guy demonstrates clearly that she is unable/unwilling to put the children first

FlickFlackTrap · 30/04/2023 10:36

Please contact the police as it doesn’t seem they are aware.
He will have conditions on him which may mean he is in breach. They will also liaise with probation if he is on a suspended sentence.

mycoffeecup · 30/04/2023 10:36

Why on earth have you not applied to be the RP for your kids?

MammaTo · 30/04/2023 10:39

Your comments are mind blowing, so wishy washy about a sex offender being in contact with your children. If their mother is willing to even entertain the idea of being anywhere near such a creature she will have ZERO WORRIES about letting him near your kids.

Any rational thinking mother would run for the hills, I’d be in my car and taking the children full time and let her and her disgusting new love interest to each other.

Radiodread · 30/04/2023 10:40

Also you could contact the Lucy Faithfull Foundation.

monsteramunch · 30/04/2023 10:41

MammaTo · 30/04/2023 10:39

Your comments are mind blowing, so wishy washy about a sex offender being in contact with your children. If their mother is willing to even entertain the idea of being anywhere near such a creature she will have ZERO WORRIES about letting him near your kids.

Any rational thinking mother would run for the hills, I’d be in my car and taking the children full time and let her and her disgusting new love interest to each other.

This.

If you need to quit your job to keep them safe, so be it OP.

Your absolutely priority needs to be on doing everything you can to become RP and try to push for her to have supervised contact only as she cannot be trusted.

You may not be successful but you have to try.

Parents like her make me feel physically sick. The fact she can even look at this man let alone date and shag him is disgusting.

Original poster
diegoyeah · 30/04/2023 10:47

Radiodread · 30/04/2023 10:40

Also you could contact the Lucy Faithfull Foundation.

What's that?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 30/04/2023 10:47

Thing is, he's been convicted for viewing images.

You don't know what he hasn't been convicted for...

monsteramunch · 30/04/2023 10:49

Mate you need to be a lot more proactive about this. For example someone mentioned a foundation to contact and you've said 'what's that' instead of having a quick google. This is so serious and your children are in danger. You need to make this your absolute priority and be proactive, not passive.

Original poster
diegoyeah · 30/04/2023 10:51

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2023 10:47

Thing is, he's been convicted for viewing images.

You don't know what he hasn't been convicted for...

Doesn't bear thinking about.... but I have to be careful to be right.. making unfounded allegations will most likely work against me..

OP posts:
Hayliebells · 30/04/2023 10:52

DustyLee123 · 30/04/2023 08:35

Go back to SS with the higher risk, then contact the Safeguarding lead at school/nursery, and report it to the School Nurse/Health Visitor too.
Then look at speaking to a solicitor to get more/full custody.
If the mother won’t safeguard the children, you certainly should,

Yes this.

Radiodread · 30/04/2023 10:55

JFGI and get off your backside! DO something, as everyone here is advising.

User200098573828604837365 · 30/04/2023 10:55

OP I do not understand you. My ex-H committed similar crimes (after we had separated). Until that point I had actively encouraged his relationship with DC and kept everything very amicable. He has never seen DC since the day of his arrest and never will again unless a court forces me to do it. I would fight it with every penny I have. Even if the court did so, I'd be more inclined to leave our life behind and run away to another country with the children than let it happen. And he's their father. This man has nothing to do with your children. You can protect them from him and are choosing not to even try. That makes you almost as negligent as their mother IMO.

User200098573828604837365 · 30/04/2023 10:57

Doesn't bear thinking about.... but I have to be careful to be right.. making unfounded allegations will most likely work against me..

What unfounded allegation? Their mother is exposing them to a known sex offender. He has been convicted. It is not safe. The end.

DoggosAloud · 30/04/2023 10:58

diegoyeah · 30/04/2023 10:47

What's that?

Show quote history

Do you have google? Do you want us to look after your kids too? Ffs. Step up.

Actually, I don’t think this is real. 🙄

Fighterofthenightman1 · 30/04/2023 11:02

I'm a bit confused and may have misread the info, sorry if i have...

Do social services know that she is dating this man? If so, why the fuck are they not removing the children from her care? Is the bar that low nowadays

monsteramunch · 30/04/2023 11:02

Doesn't bear thinking about.... but I have to be careful to be right.. making unfounded allegations will most likely work against me..

Nobody is saying you need to make unfounded allegations. He's a convicted sex offender. That's a fact.

That poster was simply pointing out that him having viewed child sex abuse imagery and that being his only offence is terrifyingly the BEST case scenario.

So you need to safeguard accordingly.

You don't sound proactive and driven about this. You didn't even just google the suggestion someone made!

monsteramunch · 30/04/2023 11:04

And OP please don't call it 'child pornography' as this is an outdated term that minimises what is in fact child sexual abuse material.

learning.nspcc.org.uk/news/why-language-matters/child-sexual-abuse-material

This is helpful when discussing the topic with professionals (or anyone) as it reinforces the seriousness of the crime.

Stripedbag101 · 30/04/2023 11:04

This thread is so frustrating!!! Why is OP not acting - there is a lot of reasons why he can’t act - is will disrupt his life, he works shifts, it will cost money. Dear god - surely a parent would do anything to protect his child from a monster like this!!!

OP why are you so passive? Why aren’t you moving fast to protect your children????

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2023 11:05

diegoyeah · 30/04/2023 10:51

Doesn't bear thinking about.... but I have to be careful to be right.. making unfounded allegations will most likely work against me..

Show quote history

No, not for you to make allegations. For you to bear in mind.

knittingaddict · 30/04/2023 11:05

diegoyeah · 30/04/2023 10:51

Doesn't bear thinking about.... but I have to be careful to be right.. making unfounded allegations will most likely work against me..

Show quote history

FGS. How much more concrete evidence do you need beyond him being convicted of child abuse images, the child having indirect contact and the mother continuing the relationship? You do realise how little evidence many women have of what their abusive ex's are up to? If my daughter had what you have she would be calling every authority she could think of to protect her children and we would be right alongside her. I'm hoping that this thread is fantasy because the reality is quite shocking.

User200098573828604837365 · 30/04/2023 11:05

Fighterofthenightman1 · 30/04/2023 11:02

I'm a bit confused and may have misread the info, sorry if i have...

Do social services know that she is dating this man? If so, why the fuck are they not removing the children from her care? Is the bar that low nowadays

Sadly yes. They frequently force children who've been exposed to abuse or DV to see the abusive parent in contact centres, fro example. Police no longer impose conditions on all child sex offenders to have no contact with minors, thanks to a recent precedent. It's disgusting, child protection is a joke. Social services would do a safeguarding review if they were aware of the relationship. But given the incompetence of many social workers it is hard to say what the outcome would be. However, if I was the OP I would report it to social services and the police and hire a solicitor and be going to court to request residency and only supervised contact with the mother, alone.

Polik · 30/04/2023 11:05

Fighterofthenightman1 · 30/04/2023 11:02

I'm a bit confused and may have misread the info, sorry if i have...

Do social services know that she is dating this man? If so, why the fuck are they not removing the children from her care? Is the bar that low nowadays

Because the children have a safe parent to live with - Dad.

Social services don't go taking children into care when there is a good enough parent they can live with and be safe. It's why they said he needs to exercise his PR.

Social care won't/can't insist Mum stops the relationship. Just that there is safety planning to keep children safe while in the relationship

CuriousMoo · 30/04/2023 11:06

SS were the ones that told you about their mother dating a paedophile. So the authorities in this case already understand the danger. She is in a relationship with a man who enjoys child rape.

She has already introduced your child to him.

I don't really understand your reticence to protect your children. What are you waiting for??

You have to do something.

DiddyHeck · 30/04/2023 11:06

Radiodread · 30/04/2023 10:55

JFGI and get off your backside! DO something, as everyone here is advising.

Give him a chance for goodness sake.

He's come here for advice.

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