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Original poster

Mum dating a sex offender

332 replies

diegoyeah · 30/04/2023 08:25

I was informed a while ago by social services that the mother of my children (boys 4 and 7) is dating a guy who had admitted to accessing indecent images of children. She then separated from this guy, and I thought all was OK.

My eldest son told me he had been in contact with this guy via a video call ( I'm sure it was just an innocent hello). And so I discovered the relationship had restarted.
I then contacted social services because I wasn't happy with the undue risk.. in response, they informed me that the guy had just been given a 2 year suspended sentence, and they had agreed the recommendation would be for there to be no contact between him and the children.. when i got the closing report, it said parole and MOSOVO classified him as high risk for 13 years of accessing class A child pornography (under 12 involving penetrative sex). Yet social services have put no safeguarding measures in themselves. The mother lied to social services and said my son hadn't spoken to him in a video call, but she told me it did happen under different circumstances than the child described. She has stayed in the relationship and tries to downplay.his crimes.by calling it "image abuse".

It only advice I have had from social services is that I had the right to proactively exercise my parental rights.. but obviously this has its own negative effects..
Any advice?

OP posts:
DoggosAloud · 30/04/2023 08:58

mrsblueskyeye · 30/04/2023 08:56

Anyone else getting the impression that this father has worries about his kids but not enough to give up his current lifestyle to actually try for custody?

Absolutely. Poor kids.

Magenta82 · 30/04/2023 09:02

If this is real and as you describe then you need to step up and protect your kids.
Tell the police, the school, social services etc that you will be keeping the children with you and not returning them to their mother's because she is putting them at risk by letting them have contact with a sex offender. Keep the kids with you and only allow her supervised contact.
She is not a good mother if she is putting her relationship with a sex offender above the safety of her children.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 30/04/2023 09:02

You seem to be making a lot of excuses and wanting someone to give you a magical answer here that will solve you of all your problems.
Why have kids if you cannot even understand the basics that youll need to step up and be a parent and stop them from being abused?
I feel sorry for the kids involved. A Mother who cannot make good choices and seems vulnerable and is putting kids in danger by dating a sex pest and a father who is finding excuses. Get off the laptop and go get your kids and keep them safe ffs

RelentlessMother · 30/04/2023 09:03

It’s time someone gets full custody mate. Stop making excuses for her and keep these kids safe with you.

Original poster
diegoyeah · 30/04/2023 09:04

Chowtime · 30/04/2023 08:56

," I feel it would be an expensive way to return to square one"

Yeah, your gonna have to stump up for legal fees to keep your kids away from an abuser. Is that a problem?

I literally don't have money. I already have debts, and I am just about to pay the rent and child maintenance... but yes, your comment is fair. And to be honest, my doubts are why I posted here more to get the opinion that it would be the right way forward and strengthen my resolve..

OP posts:
FrancescaContini · 30/04/2023 09:05

RelentlessMother · 30/04/2023 09:03

It’s time someone gets full custody mate. Stop making excuses for her and keep these kids safe with you.

Agree

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 30/04/2023 09:05

So your options are:

  1. Go for full custody.
  2. Have them taken into care.
  3. Appeal to her better judgement to choose partners more wisely (not going to happen).
  4. Appear on a news item outside of court in a couple of years time, talking about how you are pleased that justice has been served on the abuser of your dc and their enabling mother.
User98866 · 30/04/2023 09:06

So much faith in the family courts. I watched an expose recently where the father of some children was an actual sex offender. The mother had had to fight through courts for years to allow only supervised contact! Terrifying that SS don’t seem to care. School? Police? Surely they would advise?

Chowtime · 30/04/2023 09:06

Represent yourself if you have no money. I haven't looked but I'm guessing there are a fair few forums/focus groups/facebook pages for parents that self represent and need support and advice.

strawberryfluff · 30/04/2023 09:06

You're going to have to take it to court. It's the only way.

PinkButtercups · 30/04/2023 09:07

Go and get those kids and refuse to give them back to her.
She's dating a pedo who let's face it is probably only with her for access to the kids!

Not nice to see it wrote down but I wouldn't care I'd literally go and get those kids now and get something in place.

Noicant · 30/04/2023 09:07

Go for full custody, you are their parent it’s on you to protect them. Yes it’s bloody hard, I’m sure there are a lot of single mums who can attest to that. But you really do need to step up to the plate here. You cannot leave them to someone who would actively choose to expose them to a bloody paedophile.

lunar1 · 30/04/2023 09:08

Your job is to protect your children, if you done you are no less to blame than your ex for what could be happening to them.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 30/04/2023 09:08

If you care for your kids, you've got to go for full custody. Otherwise you leaving them with their mother, is showing 2 parents don't care about them. The children's safety must be the most important thing and the mothers shown she doesn't care as much about that as she does her sex life.

PinkButtercups · 30/04/2023 09:09

I literally don't have money. I already have debts, and I am just about to pay the rent and child maintenance... but yes, your comment is fair. And to be honest, my doubts are why I posted here more to get the opinion that it would be the right way forward and strengthen my resolve..

I wouldn't give a sh*t if I had debts. They're your kids! Go and get them and rescue them from being abused!

I'd rather be in millions of debt and say I kept my kids safe. They come first!

RelentlessMother · 30/04/2023 09:09

You don’t need money to keep these kids at home with you but you will have to juggle and change your life to suit them. It’s not an easy way to live how single mums live. But I’d do it all over again to protect my kids.

You can represent yourself in court too. Step up. Your kids need you

Original poster
diegoyeah · 30/04/2023 09:09

NightIsYoungSoAreWe · 30/04/2023 08:45

Do you know his full name etc? I'm wondering if he has had rules imposed on him regarding his suspended sentence. I would be contacting the local probation service, they won't be able to tell you anything but they would be keen to know if he's not sticking to his terms of sentence (ie having contact with children etc).

I'd contact the children's schools also and let them know the risk they are exposed to.
Ultimately I'd need my children away from that risk so I'd be doing what I could to get them with me.
If you have parental responsibility you can just "take them" as we've seen on threads on here.

He has rules at the moment he can not meet the kids, which keeps them safe for now... social services have advised leaving it 1 year after his sentence before they review that stipulation.. and if I do take custody, I have to take the time to get it right and make it stick... family court rarely supports the dad as I have also experienced social services.

I'm new to mumsnet, so I have not seen these threads..

OP posts:
Original poster
diegoyeah · 30/04/2023 09:11

Chowtime · 30/04/2023 09:06

Represent yourself if you have no money. I haven't looked but I'm guessing there are a fair few forums/focus groups/facebook pages for parents that self represent and need support and advice.

I reckon you are right

OP posts:
Eggseggseverywhere · 30/04/2023 09:13

Imo involve school.. Ask about breakfast /after school clubs. Ask them for support in you having them live with you. Tell them everything.. Put in a counter claim for benefits.. They may pause hers while they consider yours. May be the push she needs to hand them over to you full time. She has already chosen a sex offender over their safety. She isn't bothered about the bond you mention.

Chowtime · 30/04/2023 09:13

lunar1 · 30/04/2023 09:08

Your job is to protect your children, if you done you are no less to blame than your ex for what could be happening to them.

Thats a really valid point. It's not just their mum who is letting them come into contact with a CSO - you are too.

And the poster who wrote about making a statement outside court - that literally made my blood run cold.

Employers by law have to give you time off to deal with child related issues. Use this time to get things in place inititally and you won't lose your job although it might be unpaid leave. Do you think your employer will be supportive?

Gazelda · 30/04/2023 09:14

The harder you make this for her, the more likely she will see the BF as more trouble than he's worth.

If you passively accept the relationship, you are effectively condoning a sex offender being connected to your children.

DoggosAloud · 30/04/2023 09:16

diegoyeah · 30/04/2023 09:09

He has rules at the moment he can not meet the kids, which keeps them safe for now... social services have advised leaving it 1 year after his sentence before they review that stipulation.. and if I do take custody, I have to take the time to get it right and make it stick... family court rarely supports the dad as I have also experienced social services.

I'm new to mumsnet, so I have not seen these threads..

Show quote history

You think a woman who is willing to date this monster and the monster himself are going to be bothered by rules. You need to wise up. Your kids are at risk if you let them be with their mother.

You do everything you can. you keep the kids with you.

Reugny · 30/04/2023 09:21

User98866 · 30/04/2023 09:06

So much faith in the family courts. I watched an expose recently where the father of some children was an actual sex offender. The mother had had to fight through courts for years to allow only supervised contact! Terrifying that SS don’t seem to care. School? Police? Surely they would advise?

The school and police both will refer back to social services.

However the OP needs to report what his son has told him to the police asap. If any crime has been committed then it will help him have his children.

Rosula · 30/04/2023 09:26

Would Social Services be prepared to apply for an amendment to the rules to clarify that not meeting kids also means not talking to them on the phone or online?

GCWorkNightmare · 30/04/2023 09:31

Chowtime · 30/04/2023 09:13

Thats a really valid point. It's not just their mum who is letting them come into contact with a CSO - you are too.

And the poster who wrote about making a statement outside court - that literally made my blood run cold.

Employers by law have to give you time off to deal with child related issues. Use this time to get things in place inititally and you won't lose your job although it might be unpaid leave. Do you think your employer will be supportive?

Show quote history

The law allows a short period of unpaid leave to deal with an unforeseen emergency or blocks of leave, a week each, unpaid and planned in advance (with agreement of the employer re timing).