Mum dating a sex offender

[diegoyeah]

I was informed a while ago by social services that the mother of my children (boys 4 and 7) is dating a guy who had admitted to accessing indecent images of children. She then separated from this guy, and I thought all was OK.

My eldest son told me he had been in contact with this guy via a video call ( I'm sure it was just an innocent hello). And so I discovered the relationship had restarted.
I then contacted social services because I wasn't happy with the undue risk.. in response, they informed me that the guy had just been given a 2 year suspended sentence, and they had agreed the recommendation would be for there to be no contact between him and the children.. when i got the closing report, it said parole and MOSOVO classified him as high risk for 13 years of accessing class A child pornography (under 12 involving penetrative sex). Yet social services have put no safeguarding measures in themselves. The mother lied to social services and said my son hadn't spoken to him in a video call, but she told me it did happen under different circumstances than the child described. She has stayed in the relationship and tries to downplay.his crimes.by calling it "image abuse".

It only advice I have had from social services is that I had the right to proactively exercise my parental rights.. but obviously this has its own negative effects..
Any advice?

I don't think it's as simple as that. I mean presumably his children love their mum and want to stay in their own home with her. Even without the BF issue, fighting for 'full custody' would be very upsetting for the children. I'm guessing OP is hoping there's a way he can persuade his ex to behave appropriately.
If OP dies get custody it may not be possible for him to continue with his job. The outcome could be he looses his.....and the children's...home. Of course compared to having his children sexually abused, there's no competition however I think he's looking for other suggestions first.

Honestly, what?! Of course it is that simple. If she won't safeguard them, it is his job to fight tooth and nail to do that. So far he is doing not much at all.

As a parent who has been the innocent parent in a similar situation per my earlier posts, yes I've had to adjust my life. So what? Yes it impacts what I can do for work, my finances as a lone parent and needing more childcare, again so what? Who would NOT do that to protect their child?! Even from an obvious risk of abuse. You don't wait until it has happened.

Funny how women here are told that if a man is violent to them they MUST leave immediately, even it they have no income at all, to protect the kids. But here a parent knows that their children are being exposed to a child sex offender, who is a direct risk to them not the parent, so it's much worse, and yet you say he should do nothing because it might harm his job prospects or income?! Misogyny much. He is their parent. He knows they are at risk and their other parent isn't protecting them. It's his job to do anything he possibly can to get them away from this man and to safety and to only see their mother in controlled and supervised circumstances, as any responsible parent would do in this situation. Predators like this escalate their crimes over time, we know this. They progress from images to active physical abuse. You would leave your children in this situation? Because you might have to change your job?

These posts are horrific.

If you reported this to the police, or the court that gave him a suspended sentence, you would probably find he has breached the terms and conditions of his parole/sentence and might either be recalled to prison to srve the sentence, and may face new charges for contacting your son.

Your wife's attempt to deny the contact, silence your son and cover up for a sex offender, is the proof that the man knew damn well he is in deep shit for being in contact with a mother of children (and her kids). He may very well have groomed her into a relationship , IN ORDER TO to gain contact with your children. Now he's threatening her (and your boy) that if the police find out, she'll lose custody/son won't see his Mum/ the kid gets taken into care. That's more evidence of the man's coercive manipulation and lies to get his way.

Your objective is to permanently end that man's access to your children , and you have the means to do that.

SW has told you to "excercise your parental rights;" by which they mean, take it to police under "Sarah's Law" and report it.

<https://www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sarahs-law-beta/sarahs-law-child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme/>

You can also ask them to inform your wife of the real extent of his convicted crime, which he has probably played down to her

This won't end your wife's relationship with the children or put your kid into care; (that will turn out to be more lying coercive threats by him ).

If this is real I really don't understand your attitude. If my children were living with someone who was having a relationship with a convicted sex offender who had been convicted of viewing child rape images for 13 years and was considered a danger to children under 12 I would not be sending them home after you next have them.

There was a thread on here recently about a mum who separated from an abusive ex and he refused to return the children. She ended up having to go to court. I don't know what the outcome was. The point of saying this is that your ex would have to go to court. You would not be arrested just for refusing to return your child unless there is a court order in place.

Yes it may be difficult financially for you but surely knowing your children are safe is more important.

You say that you don't want to break the bond between your kids and their mum but yet she is apparently unconcerned that they are at risk of being sexually abused. I just pray that this hasn't already happened.

Please contact the police, SS and the school and get legal advice immediately. You could be setting your children up for something truly horrible if you do nothing.

Are you actually kidding me, my ex took me to court for 50/50 when he didn't even have a home to house them in. Didn't stop them considering it though and putting me through hell.

This!

That is exactly the impression I’m getting.

The “over the top” responses here are the correct ones - you’re on a ticking clock with the end result being your children being sexually abused and you will not give one single shit about debts when that happens. The mum is completely under his spell, she isn’t protecting them. Call the police, keep the kids with you. Yes it’s upsetting for them but their lives will be utterly destroyed when this man gets to them.

https://googlethatforyou.com?q=lucy%20faithfull%20foundation

mostly, I see it as a futile disruption of the kids' lives as she has social services mostly on side, so with them and courts default to let mothers do whatever they want, I feel it would be an expensive way to return to square one..

Bad vibes from OP with this little ‘speech’.

Have nothing more to do with her. At best, terrible judgement, at worst, complete lack of morals.

I was thinking that if the mother has denied contact & silenced son etc then she knows it is wrong.
totally unacceptable. Can’t believe a mother would put their children at risk like this. That’s not an ‘ok’ mother.

sorry but that’s really not good enough at all.
yes doing the right thing will be difficult and cause some upheaval but the risk of not doing anything is much much worse

No matter how difficult you think the journey will be, you should stop at absolutely nothing to fight for the safety and protection of tour children.

I agree, this is an awful situation and Im sorry you are going through this.
I think you need to keep them safe and protect them as thier mum doesnt seem to be.
I hope you get some help.

I have no experience with this or family courts etc but I do work in safeguarding and I cannot tell you enough how important it is to keep your boys away from this man. Of course the mum is in the wrong but she may well have been “groomed” in a sense by this man with the ultimate goal of having access to your children. If this is the case, she is not
going to come her senses and so the onus is on you to protect your children.

I would contact a lawyer first thing on Tuesday but if you are adamant that you cannot afford it I suggest you look up trusts and charities that have been set up that advise people in these types of cases. I would also contact agencies such as the police and social services again to lay down your case and see what realistically can be done.

Please don’t use work and finances as an excuse not to safeguard your children…there is a way, you just need to be persistant and look at all avenues of help.

Sorry, I meant to add to the list of people to contact for help; the school. They have a full team of safeguarding specialists who will take this seriously and will be able to contact the right people.

You will have to change your hours/job. Mums with full custody do this all the time. You have to prioritise your childrens safety above everything.

You seem to be afraid that you will be responsible for further hurting / negatively impacting your children if you keep them away etc. But one day they will understand that you were the one protecting them and they will thank you for that

Yep same here.

This is true. He could have licence conditions to declare any relationship/where living/what kids he is in contact with and may well have breached them
Get some advice from the.police who can check this with probation.

I was asking for advice.. doesn't mean I am not taking any action.. it isn't that simple social services and family courts are famous for their bias towards mothers. Simply taking them could result in me being slapped with supervised visits only order.. and the abusive parent free reign.

And clearly, i dont want to leave my kids in danger.. advice on the best way to go about this and making it stick is what I was looking for.

And yes, if there were alternatives to the total disruption of the childrens lives, it would be worth considering.. but everyone is right. The children not being exposed to abuse come first!

THIS THIS THIS.

OP, it's in your best interests to be SEEN (by the police, by court, by SW) to be the responsible parent doing everything possible to separate your kids and your ex from the influence of a convicted sex offender.

In my experience your view is totally wrong. They are very much not bias to mother. Even if they were you have to fight that battle on not give up on the assumption of bias.

Having been through the courts as a survivor of domestic violence, I strongly dispute the fact that courts favour the mother.

My ex-h assaulted me and put a knife to my throat whilst holding once child and in front of both and was STILL allowed access. Despite everything my solicitor said, the courts judged he was no risk to the children.

The comments regarding your job/debts etc make me wonder if any of this is actually true.

No decent parent would be concerned about finances and work at the expense of their kids.

All of the mothers I met in the refuge left their careers and homes behind with just the clothes on their backs to safeguard themselves and their children.

Why can’t you prioritise your children like they did?

He doesn’t have to resign from his job. He can ask his employers for different shifts or change to a new job with fixed hours annd arrange child care . You know, just what most single mums do - they fit their career around their children.

Do you have a new partner @diegoyeah?