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Original poster

Mum dating a sex offender

332 replies

diegoyeah · 30/04/2023 08:25

I was informed a while ago by social services that the mother of my children (boys 4 and 7) is dating a guy who had admitted to accessing indecent images of children. She then separated from this guy, and I thought all was OK.

My eldest son told me he had been in contact with this guy via a video call ( I'm sure it was just an innocent hello). And so I discovered the relationship had restarted.
I then contacted social services because I wasn't happy with the undue risk.. in response, they informed me that the guy had just been given a 2 year suspended sentence, and they had agreed the recommendation would be for there to be no contact between him and the children.. when i got the closing report, it said parole and MOSOVO classified him as high risk for 13 years of accessing class A child pornography (under 12 involving penetrative sex). Yet social services have put no safeguarding measures in themselves. The mother lied to social services and said my son hadn't spoken to him in a video call, but she told me it did happen under different circumstances than the child described. She has stayed in the relationship and tries to downplay.his crimes.by calling it "image abuse".

It only advice I have had from social services is that I had the right to proactively exercise my parental rights.. but obviously this has its own negative effects..
Any advice?

OP posts:
BSB30 · 30/04/2023 17:44

diegoyeah · 30/04/2023 17:38

Sadly been through this before, so its going though the motions and not expecting a good
Response

Do you mean with social? We have made numerous complaints also, some of which have been upheld surprisingly. But nothing happens, nothing changes unfortunately

JudgeRudy · 30/04/2023 17:49

User200098573828604837365 · 30/04/2023 12:23

I don't think it's as simple as that. I mean presumably his children love their mum and want to stay in their own home with her. Even without the BF issue, fighting for 'full custody' would be very upsetting for the children. I'm guessing OP is hoping there's a way he can persuade his ex to behave appropriately.
If OP dies get custody it may not be possible for him to continue with his job. The outcome could be he looses his.....and the children's...home. Of course compared to having his children sexually abused, there's no competition however I think he's looking for other suggestions first.

Honestly, what?! Of course it is that simple. If she won't safeguard them, it is his job to fight tooth and nail to do that. So far he is doing not much at all.

As a parent who has been the innocent parent in a similar situation per my earlier posts, yes I've had to adjust my life. So what? Yes it impacts what I can do for work, my finances as a lone parent and needing more childcare, again so what? Who would NOT do that to protect their child?! Even from an obvious risk of abuse. You don't wait until it has happened.

Funny how women here are told that if a man is violent to them they MUST leave immediately, even it they have no income at all, to protect the kids. But here a parent knows that their children are being exposed to a child sex offender, who is a direct risk to them not the parent, so it's much worse, and yet you say he should do nothing because it might harm his job prospects or income?! Misogyny much. He is their parent. He knows they are at risk and their other parent isn't protecting them. It's his job to do anything he possibly can to get them away from this man and to safety and to only see their mother in controlled and supervised circumstances, as any responsible parent would do in this situation. Predators like this escalate their crimes over time, we know this. They progress from images to active physical abuse. You would leave your children in this situation? Because you might have to change your job?

These posts are horrific.

You've totally misunderstood my post. I'm saying it's not an easy decision to make, there's lots to consider.
NO l did NOT say he should do nothing because it might harm his job prospects or income. Neither has gender influenced my decision. You've imagined quite a bit which might explain why you find certain posts horrific.

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 18:18

@3BSHKATS It was a valid comment and as stated upthread, depending on professionals and the judges involved, they can be very biased towards the mother.

It's a horrific experience to go through as a father if you end up with a situation like that and the kids don't end up being protected in the end.

OP is right to be cautious and get advice before taking any action that could ultimately backfire on him and the children.

Greenfree · 30/04/2023 18:28

diegoyeah · 30/04/2023 16:27

Thank you for your comment.. I informed her family as she has neices and her dad, none are supportive of this relationship. But I don't have much contact with them beyond that

Show quote history

I would be open with her family and clarify your not stopping access and they are welcome to see your DC. You just can't trust her to be alone with them as you don't know if they will be exposed to him. I can't imagine what you must be going through!

User200098573828604837365 · 30/04/2023 18:35

Arially · 30/04/2023 15:48

@User200098573828604837365 I have reported your comment as it is bloody dangerous and should be deleted. Children and woman should not be used to rehabilitate and stop sexual offences!! Fucks sake.

What on Earth are you talking about?

I have been telling the OP to remove his children and safeguard them and keep them away from the paedophile.

What an utterly bizarre comment. What post I've made do you have an issue with??

User200098573828604837365 · 30/04/2023 18:38

Children and women (I presume you meant "women" not "woman"?) being used to rehabilitate and stop sexual offences? Please show me where I've said anything like that. That's a disgusting and totally false accusation. Every one of my posts has been telling to OP to remove his children, keep him away from this man, allow only supervised contact with the mother, get a solicitor and go to court to get residency.

Please explain your disgusting accusations and (given that you can't because I said the opposite) make your apology to me.

mysonsmother82 · 30/04/2023 18:42

SunnyLion · 30/04/2023 08:38

2 options, 1 you do nothing & your kids are at risk of being abused.

  1. You seek full custody ASAP.

Surely you don't even have to think about it???

Exactly this. Go and get your children!

Arially · 30/04/2023 18:44

@User200098573828604837365 argh wrong person! I meant the person who you were qouting! Clicked too quickly. Also dyslexic people do exist so don't be a shithead. Takes away from the point of the thread and concerns about kids!

User200098573828604837365 · 30/04/2023 18:44

Arially · 30/04/2023 15:48

@User200098573828604837365 I have reported your comment as it is bloody dangerous and should be deleted. Children and woman should not be used to rehabilitate and stop sexual offences!! Fucks sake.

What?! Why am I being attacked?! I never said anything of the sort. How dare you. That's absolutely shameful to attack me like that given what I've said in this thread, to try to help the OP realise what he should be doing.

There are some disgusting people here.

MmaRra · 30/04/2023 18:45

MmaRra · 30/04/2023 15:59

User was quoting Bumdealoftheweek

Show quote history

@User200098573828604837365

User200098573828604837365 · 30/04/2023 18:47

Arially · 30/04/2023 18:44

@User200098573828604837365 argh wrong person! I meant the person who you were qouting! Clicked too quickly. Also dyslexic people do exist so don't be a shithead. Takes away from the point of the thread and concerns about kids!

Ok. Well. Thanks so much for the apology closely followed by you calling me a "shithead", which somewhat negates it don't you think?

I am autistic and have ADHD. No such things negate the need to make a genuine apology or behave in a decent way to people and not insult them and make false accusations for no reason.

User200098573828604837365 · 30/04/2023 18:48

Thank you @MmaRra

I've just come back to the thread and found these tags and it really upset me. Thank you for setting it straight for me.

theWarOnPeace · 30/04/2023 18:51

I’d be keeping them with me and letting the court process go along if she wants to pursue. I don’t think you need to go through the court process to safeguard them by removing them immediately as quite frankly they are currently at very high risk with this man.

Depending on the age I would be explaining to the children the reason why they need to stay with me and be kept safe. Not details of his crimes, but just that X is unsafe and their mum is not breaking off the relationship. As shitty as that is, it’s better than then feeling like they’ve been removed from their mum for no reason, and certainly better than the terrifying abuse trajectory they’re on right now.

MmaRra · 30/04/2023 18:56

User200098573828604837365 · 30/04/2023 18:48

Thank you @MmaRra

I've just come back to the thread and found these tags and it really upset me. Thank you for setting it straight for me.

You're welcome @User200098573828604837365
It was no trouble at all. Emotions do run understandably high on threads like these. Flowers

3BSHKATS · 30/04/2023 18:58

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 18:18

@3BSHKATS It was a valid comment and as stated upthread, depending on professionals and the judges involved, they can be very biased towards the mother.

It's a horrific experience to go through as a father if you end up with a situation like that and the kids don't end up being protected in the end.

OP is right to be cautious and get advice before taking any action that could ultimately backfire on him and the children.

@BSB30 No it's not a valid point at all. You are dangerous in your suggestions. Family court can go either way depending on the Judges mood on the day or whether their morning coffee was cold. In this case there is no alternative than to play the possession is 9/10th of the law card.

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 18:59

@3BSHKATS Dangerous how? Peoples experiences are valid and if that is how they feel, then there is obviously a reason for that viewpoint.

MmaRra · 30/04/2023 19:01

The OP uses the term 'child pornography' in his first post. Let's be clear, it is not pornography, it is images of child sexual abuse.

Arially · 30/04/2023 19:05

@User200098573828604837365 so am I it's not always an excuse. But you were being sneery. But I don't take the Mick out of people's spelling! Basic manners

User200098573828604837365 · 30/04/2023 19:29

Arially · 30/04/2023 19:05

@User200098573828604837365 so am I it's not always an excuse. But you were being sneery. But I don't take the Mick out of people's spelling! Basic manners

You falsely accuse me of condoning child abuse and say you're going to report my posts, despite me sharing earlier in the thread the VERY significant impact this issue has had on my family, and your fake apology when you realise you were mistaken and confused me for someone else called me a "shithead", and you're moaning that I was slightly sarcastic about a spelling error you made? FML.

User200098573828604837365 · 30/04/2023 19:30

You wouldn't be attacking victims of abuse who had the courage to post here, in this way if you had any concept of "manners".

Stop derailing the thread with this nonsense. I'm out.

SmallFerret · 30/04/2023 19:40

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 16:01

@SmallFerret No, he is the biological father and it was the stepfather behaving inappropriately around his son.

Was he, aye?

Describing the partner of your H's ex's son as "his son's father" is weird as fuck.

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 19:43

@SmallFerret It was obviously a typo.

It's husbands son and it was the stepfather who was being inappropriate with my step son.

SmallFerret · 30/04/2023 19:44

Bumdealoftheweek · 30/04/2023 16:03

monsteramunch I'm not trying to minimise it at all and absolutely the OP should do all they can to safeguard their children. Maybe my post was badly worded but what I'm trying to convey is that the volume of sex offenders amongst us huge and it is better that that person is visible and that those around them are aware of the risk and can help put those safeguards in place rather than them being hidden in the dark corners of society.

They're only visible after they've been caught you numpty.
Nobody's aware of the risk until after they've done something heinous.

You don't seem to understand your own words. You claimed that it's somehow better to have a paedophile "safeguarded" by a single mother of young children, than left on his own to access the internet.

SmallFerret · 30/04/2023 19:47

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 16:07

@Bamboozleme I was involved in the whole case but not in the court room for the last hearing. Seen all the reports and was present during the evaluation (well, in the next room as it was at home), so I know what was said was not true as I live the life they are writing about.

Unless you have personally seen all the court documents and know the case, it would probably be best to not speculate.

My experience was shared for the purpose of assisting the OP, not to get a grilling on a case no one on here knows anything about.

Oh stop it. You've said NOTHING to "assist" OP, you just wanted to hawk a narrative about your hard-done by ex, & encourage him to fear the court process of applying for full custody.

Arially · 30/04/2023 19:47

@User200098573828604837365 you hold a lot of assumptions about people.

You have no idea about my history or my past. Keep on assuming.

I said I misquoted you!

But your condensing tone is clear.

I read one thing wrong! And you have gone nuclear.

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