Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Mum dating a sex offender

332 replies

diegoyeah · 30/04/2023 08:25

I was informed a while ago by social services that the mother of my children (boys 4 and 7) is dating a guy who had admitted to accessing indecent images of children. She then separated from this guy, and I thought all was OK.

My eldest son told me he had been in contact with this guy via a video call ( I'm sure it was just an innocent hello). And so I discovered the relationship had restarted.
I then contacted social services because I wasn't happy with the undue risk.. in response, they informed me that the guy had just been given a 2 year suspended sentence, and they had agreed the recommendation would be for there to be no contact between him and the children.. when i got the closing report, it said parole and MOSOVO classified him as high risk for 13 years of accessing class A child pornography (under 12 involving penetrative sex). Yet social services have put no safeguarding measures in themselves. The mother lied to social services and said my son hadn't spoken to him in a video call, but she told me it did happen under different circumstances than the child described. She has stayed in the relationship and tries to downplay.his crimes.by calling it "image abuse".

It only advice I have had from social services is that I had the right to proactively exercise my parental rights.. but obviously this has its own negative effects..
Any advice?

OP posts:
Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 16:04

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

So the courts were also able to read this from the stepfather AND the mother admitting abuse

so they had information too

and yet still…

PollyPeptide · 30/04/2023 16:05

I would have thought it a no brainer to go for full custody rather than risk leaving your children in the environs of a convicted paedophile. If it were me, I'm not sure how I'd sleep at night for the worry.

Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 16:05

Oh and pesky social services also coming to the wrong conclusion

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 16:07

@Bamboozleme I was involved in the whole case but not in the court room for the last hearing. Seen all the reports and was present during the evaluation (well, in the next room as it was at home), so I know what was said was not true as I live the life they are writing about.

Unless you have personally seen all the court documents and know the case, it would probably be best to not speculate.

My experience was shared for the purpose of assisting the OP, not to get a grilling on a case no one on here knows anything about.

Greenfree · 30/04/2023 16:07

I would 100% keep them with you and tell her you exercising your right to safeguard them whilst she is with this man. She can still see them but only in your presence. I don't get what kind of parent would date someone with that history. I would also inform SS and their school that you feel you have no choice but to do this. Why were they even on a video call with him, that just shows she wants them to be in contact with him. The fact she's dating this guy at all would make me question her judgement around what is safe for her children. Do she have family and do they know about this guy?

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 16:07

Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 16:05

Oh and pesky social services also coming to the wrong conclusion

More like they don't take things seriously and brush things under the carpet.

Original poster
diegoyeah · 30/04/2023 16:12

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 16:00

Yes because social services didn't deem it to be serious enough. Then they felt husband was being malicious which wasn't the case.

Show quote history

I can understand, thankyou for sharing and recognising the situation..

Sadly courts can only go on the information they are given and some people find it easy to manipulate "professionals" who were not there, while others find it difficult to get the real story across.. those that manipulate and lie use emotive language and control the conversation to cover the facts and the truth get lost under a flurry of emotional distractions...

And I guess some people just come on here to troll....

OP posts:
BSB30 · 30/04/2023 16:12

@Bamboozleme Yep. They know the mum had a history of violence towards my husband and that the stepfather was doing all these odd things towards his son but because it was historical and not serious enough, they weren't interested.

It seems you believe professionals always get it right, but they don't. The recent case of the courts sending that baby back to the parents (and the social worker missing red flags) only to be murdered shows they don't always get it right. Ironically it was the same court and social services that dealt with us.

MmaRra · 30/04/2023 16:13

OP demonstrated this when he mentioned minor issues about him have been flagged but issues with the mother have been brushed under the carpet.

We have only the OP's version of events and severity here, not the social worker's, not the Court's, not CAFCASS', not the mother's and not the children's. We also don't know what has previously happened in court with this family, only that the OP said he hasn't had much past experience with the Family Court.

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 16:13

@diegoyeah Exactly. I am so sorry for having appeared to hijack your thread, I didn't mean to. I wanted to share my experience as I do understand where you are coming from.

Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 16:16

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 16:07

@Bamboozleme I was involved in the whole case but not in the court room for the last hearing. Seen all the reports and was present during the evaluation (well, in the next room as it was at home), so I know what was said was not true as I live the life they are writing about.

Unless you have personally seen all the court documents and know the case, it would probably be best to not speculate.

My experience was shared for the purpose of assisting the OP, not to get a grilling on a case no one on here knows anything about.

I have not seen them

but I’m inclined to trust the courts, a court appointed psychologist and social services rather than the partner of the man who ultimately failed in his bid for the access he desired (and almost had to have supervised only access! Bloody hell)

Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 16:17

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 16:12

@Bamboozleme Yep. They know the mum had a history of violence towards my husband and that the stepfather was doing all these odd things towards his son but because it was historical and not serious enough, they weren't interested.

It seems you believe professionals always get it right, but they don't. The recent case of the courts sending that baby back to the parents (and the social worker missing red flags) only to be murdered shows they don't always get it right. Ironically it was the same court and social services that dealt with us.

oh and the mother too admitted being an “abuser” too.

And yet still

not just one professional was it

A court appointed psychologist
Social services

and a judge

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 16:17

@Bamboozleme The same court who ordered that baby back home to be murdered? They haven't got the best track record.

The supervised access was suggested because they believed husband to be manipulating his son (with literally nothing to back that up). They also acknowledged mother had done it for a long time but that was fine apparently.

Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 16:18

The supervised access was suggested because they believed husband to be manipulating his son (with literally nothing to back that up)

Sure sure “nothing”

he really did a number on you didn’t he

Thankfully not the decision makers

so why level of access did he get?

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 16:19

@Bamboozleme Because it all has a knock on effect.

Courts listen to what social services and psychologist says.

Psychologist works off what social services have said.

Social services work off what child and parents say (with no evidence).

So it all goes in one big loop and everyone believes nonsense spouted by the manipulative parent and that's that. No chance once professionals have formed their own agenda.

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 16:20

Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 16:18

The supervised access was suggested because they believed husband to be manipulating his son (with literally nothing to back that up)

Sure sure “nothing”

he really did a number on you didn’t he

Thankfully not the decision makers

so why level of access did he get?

It's practically 50/50 which the courts were fine with so can't have been that concerned.

If you are going to be sarcastic and aggressive in your posts then I won't be answering any further. You seem to have an agenda against men.

Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 16:22

You have a very dim view of professionals

all they do is read a report and make an opinion despite so much evidence apparently to suggest otherwise

how odd that he went from almost supervised access to 50/50. Very odd

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 16:23

Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 16:22

You have a very dim view of professionals

all they do is read a report and make an opinion despite so much evidence apparently to suggest otherwise

how odd that he went from almost supervised access to 50/50. Very odd

Well that is what happened and yes, I have a very dim view of the professionals that were involved in the case.

Aside from the Guardian, she was fantastic and very fair to both sides.

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 16:24

Apologies OP, I didn't mean for this thread to get derailed.

I will only be responding to the OPs posts on the situation as @Bamboozleme opinion on my case is irrelevant as she knows zero details of the case.

Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 16:26

Not your case though.

Your husband’s, and I am just relieved that all these professionals came to the same conclusion

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 16:27

Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 16:26

Not your case though.

Your husband’s, and I am just relieved that all these professionals came to the same conclusion

Ok crack on with your biased viewpoint based upon knowing nothing about the case or people involved.

Have a lovely day.

Original poster
diegoyeah · 30/04/2023 16:27

Greenfree · 30/04/2023 16:07

I would 100% keep them with you and tell her you exercising your right to safeguard them whilst she is with this man. She can still see them but only in your presence. I don't get what kind of parent would date someone with that history. I would also inform SS and their school that you feel you have no choice but to do this. Why were they even on a video call with him, that just shows she wants them to be in contact with him. The fact she's dating this guy at all would make me question her judgement around what is safe for her children. Do she have family and do they know about this guy?

Thank you for your comment.. I informed her family as she has neices and her dad, none are supportive of this relationship. But I don't have much contact with them beyond that

OP posts:
Novatherova · 30/04/2023 16:29

I'm not gona lie but you are coming across a bit blasé about your children coming into contact with a set offender.

I'm having problems believing this is true. I don't mean to be rude but I think you're not being truthful.

In all honesty I hope you are telling fibs because if its true God help those children.

A mother seeing a sex offender and minimising his charges. Plus a father who does appear bothered.

Please get in your car and go get them. If the mum lies to police they can check phone records and he will go to prison.he won't be allowed near children

monsteramunch · 30/04/2023 16:30

Have you contacted their school about this OP? Tell them the facts that SS told you and that you're concerned as she has facilitated contact between this sex offender and your son via a video call. Ask to speak to the safeguarding lead about this.

You need to do this to have a paper trail showing that you've taken all steps possible to kick in as many safeguarding processes as possible.

Ditto if they attend any after school clubs, which should also have safeguarding procedures in place.

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 16:31

OP, apologies if you have already mentioned this but have you spoken to the police about the situation?