Older people who are without children…

[James637]

Any older folks here 60+ who haven’t got children? How has your life panned out? Do you ever have regrets? Is it lonely?

Very wise @James637 . I feel a lot of men used to think along the lines of 'Well yes, I suppose I will be a dad one day, but if she doesn't want children, that's OK I guess'. It's almost as if it's the wonsns choice only. I'm middle aged and I've heard people say 'oh due didn't want kids', not they didn't. I guess one way of thinking about it might be to think not do I want children but how much do I want children. If you imagine yourself with 2 under 5s and you were to split up from your partner (1/3 chance), would you be prepared to be the 'resident parent'? I dont mean if she couldnt look after them and there was no option. Generally women are not only are they prepared to be solo parents, they would fight you and the world for that privilege. OK that's a generalisation, but it certainly defines how much you want it.

What is it about children that you like? There are a lot of ways to have them in your life eg I went through ivf with both of mine as I couldn’t imagine life without & was prepared to 100% prepared adopt if ivf didn’t work out. I know women who never wanted their own kids but who foster (I even know someone who started at 50).

I am a huge of source of profound thoughts and also witty badinage and repartee. Obvs.

I see elderly people with all sorts of lovely relationships and support. One lady had her late Dh niece one man his old work colleagues daughter

That’s the thing people who push the ‘if you don’t have kids you’ll be lonely’ thing don’t get.

If you are a kind, thoughtful, interesting person who people want to be around, you generally attract other people into your life who care for you because they want to, not because they are obligated or guilted to. Which is how community truly works.

Not the transactional ‘I had you so you would look after me in old age’ model pushed here.

@Over40Overdating Exactly. My teenagers adore one of my university friends who’s childfree (not by choice in her case 😢). They’re not especially close to DH’s siblings, although that might change in the future. As you say, it’s who you are that forges relationships.

So if elderly people, with or Wo children, are isolated, it’s all their fault right?
Because they are nit a ‘kind, thoughtful, interesting person who people want to be around’

Victim blaming much??

Fwiw other things that makes forging relationships difficult

• illness
• moving (you or family/children/friends)
• MH
• money etc….

In particular, illness/disability/mobility issues is a HUGE thing. It stops people from establishing network. This is more and more obvious as people get older.

Moving and people not being open to establish new friendships (because they already have their own so why making the effort?). Plenty of threads on here on people experiencing exactly that.

im not saying that this should the ONE reason to have kids. But saying that older people have no reason to end up lonely and isolated is flying in the face if reality and the huge number if elderly who speak to no one day in and day out.
1 million people in the U.K. go fir more than one month Wo talking to someone (friends, family, NDN).
[[

@MyriadOfTravels I think the poster was simply saying that if you’re a friendly p

*Person, you’re more likely to forge friendships and relationships with other people. That’s true for anyone, parent or not. It’s still no guarantee that you won’t end up lonely, of course, but then neither is being a parent.

My Dad can be an old misery/judge mental and he has fewer friends than my late step-Mum did, because she was a nicer person, tbh. 🤷

I had no interest in children, didn't really like them but made a "biological clock" decision in my late 30s to have them. Best decision I ever made, my DC are now adults but having them transformed my life for the better in every way.

I'm 64 now and I still don't like or have much interest in children other than my own.
Recently joined a group of women of similar age and most of them don't have children. Interesting to hear their perspective. None of them regret it (how could you regret what you don't know). They all dislike children and always have. They sometimes talk about appalling children in a restaurant or hotel, what they don't seem to grasp is that most people feel that way about Other People's Children.

Do you ever read any of the topics that are not about children/childbirth etc.?

Do you realise that there are other things in life besides your little darlings?

You seem to be assuming that elderly people don't or can't use the internet. I know 90-somethings who Zoom and spend most waking hours on line, learning new things and keeping in touch with people, streaming TV etc they want to watch when they want to watch it. For anyone with mobility issues modern technology has been revolutionary. You don't need to leave the house to participate in events or talk to and see your family and friends. One of my aunts, 84 last year, is more skilled with her iPad than I'll ever be. Gives me lessons and then tells me she learned it all from You Tube.

If you're a curious, friendly person who's interested in other people you'll always have things to do and people to talk to.

@MyriadOfTravels Get a grip.
I said generally. Not ‘if you don’t do these things you deserve to be alone’. Or ‘no one has a reason to be alone’.

My point was against the sweeping statements saying unless you have children you will have no one around you in old age as if it’s a fact. It’s not true in the same way that saying having children means you’ll never be lonely is not a fact.

Yes some people will face barriers to forging relationships for reasons out of their control - this can happen at any age, whether you have children, family or otherwise.

But not every old person is a technophobe. Not every disabled person is friendless. Friendships don’t have to hinge on having money or good MH.

The ‘gap’ can be filled in more ways than one.

And yes some people still end up lonely through no fault of their own.
And some end up lonely because they just aren’t very nice people, parents or not.

Over40Overdating. True. And as more people start to age they will also be more tech savvy. I've certainly met plenty of 80 year olds who already are. As people age with tech skills, they will have more control over staying connected. This will make a big difference in terms of bring able to arrange more for themselves, keep in touch, join online support groups, as well as having friendships in the real world.

These are all excellent points

Well I would advise to try it out fir a few months first before saying how amazing it is.

Im more or less housebound these days.
Im also pretty good at technology - oh look at the time I spend on MN, zoom or whatever.

Except It is and feels just like a lockdown.

And yes sure we all know that keeping in touch with people with zoom and doing courses/baking bread at home was what we all needed to get through that experience. No one ever longed for proper real human contact. Like someone who gives you a hug. Nope, zoom was enough 🤪🤪🤪

No one is saying being housebound is amazing

People are saying being housebound can be better nowadays with new technology which allows for a lot of things to be done which couldnt have been done at one time

None of this still justifies the poster a lot of us were replying to who came on a thread specifically for people without children to tell us we would absolutely be lonely in our old age because her housebound relative wasnt because she had children

I doubt any of us actively wants to be housebound or thinks its an amazing position to be in, that was certainly not the point.

Well that’s exactly what @Queenofscones alluded to.
That people aren’t alone if they have mobility issues because they can talk to family about friends over zoom….

Apparently zoom and iPad are enough to find people to talk to 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Im sorry Im really struggling to find where she said that being housebound was amazing?

She was describing the ways technology could mean you aren't lonely even if you are housebound and dont have children. Thats not the same as suggesting being housebound is amazing.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation.

Perhaps your children or family will call in sometimes, but they will have their own lives to live. They may move abroad or away for work. Do you have no friends who'd come and see you and give you a hug? Is this because you've focussed only on family?

I’m afraid that once a person becomes unwell and housebound, people do tend to fade away, @Queenofscones. It’s nothing to do with family situation, age, etc. it’s just that if you’re not out and about, you get forgotten.

Actually, Zoom and other apps really are great ways of talking to people when you can't leave the home. I know older people who play cards and games together on line and several who are members of knitting and quilting circles that seem to involve hours of happy chatting while people sew and knit. If you are on your own they really can provide company. And you can always have a wifi problem and vanish if it all gets a bit much.

Well fair enough, but I know many people (TBF caring professions) who found caring for aging parents very rewarding.

It something I know I am likely to have to do and wouldn't saying I'm looking forward to it, but I am actively anticipating it.

And if you parents told you that they had only had you to look after them and keep them company in their old age would you be as comfortable anticipating it?

Its highly unlikely anyone had children just to have someone look after them in their old age but wherever there is a contented childless person there needs to be someone popping up telling them to quick have a child or no one will look after them when they are old as if its okay for that to be your only reason to have a child