Older people who are without children…

[James637]

Any older folks here 60+ who haven’t got children? How has your life panned out? Do you ever have regrets? Is it lonely?

You get there is an infertility section of the forum yes, and a conception section? So for those of us who wanted to be mums and who either couldnt conceive, or had miscarriages please can you pinpoint the exact timeline when we are supposed to deactivate our accounts?

Love this MN batshittery 🤣🤣

@TheaBrandt @Mummysgogetter In DH’s family, there aren’t enough nieces and nephews to go around as everyone’s chosen to be childfree except us. 🤣 I think that’s becoming increasingly common.

To answer the OP’s question, consider whether you want to experience family life from birth until they’re ready to leave home.

Don't expect anything as you age, because it won’t necessarily happen. Your job as a parent is to bring up your children and then let them live their own adult lives.

My aunt is in her 80s, never married and no children.

I think she has moments of regret, and gets lonely. She does get upset about it from time to time - however that’s most likely because it wasn’t so much an active choice on her part to never have children, more a case of she had other things going on and sort of imagined it would possibly happen one day except it didn’t.

She has, on the other hand, had the most fabulous life. A really interesting career, lives abroad and has travelled the world many times over, some wonderful adventures, great stories, so many hobbies and interests, a really tight knit circle of wonderful best friends, and other friends all over the world. Even now at 86 she’s out and about every day and most evenings (was working until the first lockdown), swimming in the sea, walking, volunteering, drama society, choir etc etc. currently doing a music course at the local university. Forever out at dinners and dances and concerts. And she’s always been very close to me and is now a bit like a grandparent to my daughter.

She says herself that whilst she feels the lack of a child of her own, she wouldn’t have had the life she’s had if she was a mother, and on balance she’s not sure she’d swap.

Really? Because I spend a lot of time looking after neighbours kids, socialising with friends, several of whom don't and won't have children and with my own neices and nephews. I'm curious as to why it's a guarantee that I will 'of course's lonely

Having children doesn't guarantee you won't be lonely. There are plenty of shit parents whose adult children don't speak to them. And because they are generally crap people they run out of friends too

Having or not having children isn't the indication of whether you will end up lonely or not. It's being a nice person who takes an interest in others.

not regretted for a second. But few of my friends my age have children either, I'm 55.

And as for why I'm on mumsnet someone said it earlier - some of the threads are hilarious.

Because we enjoy answering this 'genuinely curious' question approximately every 5 threads from posters who clearly haven't been on mumsnet long (or they would have seen the million threads about this) but still feel the bizarre need to gatekeep the website from childless/free posters, some of whom have been here for years.

The loneliest person I knew was a lady in her 80s who had two children who never came near her. We had her over for Xmas one year because she would otherwise have been alone. She was a lovely, interesting person and we enjoyed her company.

I answered you last time.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4761409-could-you-have-been-as-happy-without-children?page=1

Having or not having children isn't the indication of whether you will end up lonely or not. It's being a nice person who takes an interest in others.

Well said, @Instagramearworms . Plus, parenting is about raising adults to live their own lives, not to prevent loneliness in your old age.

I think you, and a few other posters, should keep in mind not everyone posting here is childfree, many are childless and that’s a cruel thing for them to have to read.

I'm not saying if you have kids you are guaranteed to not be lonely. But when you are old if you havnt had children you won't have many people left Friends don't hang around like family do. My nan had just 2 children She died at 98 and had loads of grandchildren and great grandchildren who were a massive part of her llife. Without them she would have had a few friends but her life would have been so much more empty and very lonely once she stopped going out

I mean this kindly OP, but starting another thread about this won’t change the answers. Everyone is different. You have to work out if motherhood is right for you. My experience won’t and shouldn’t change your mind on something this huge.

It's not being cruel it's stating the facts based on my experience I'm afraid.

Fatherhood

@Instagramearworms completely disagree with the implication that having dc would not lessen the chances of loneliness when older. I've watched my dads friends all die off as he's gotten older he's 93 next week and now all his friends are dead. His dc gc and great gc however will all be at his party.
Not saying that a reason to have dc but it's a benefit most parents get to enjoy later in life.

i understand why people looking to conceive would visit a mum site, I know before I had kids I would look at sites for mums like this but if you never have an intention on having kids then don’t know why you would like I said it was just an observation. Maybe mumsnet should change their slogan 🤷🏼‍♀️

Your experience isn’t the only one, ask carers and health care workers if everyone with children is not lonely and everyone without children is lonely - it really isn’t that simple.

Why are there care homes where people never get visits and people in the community caring for elderly neighbours and charities for lonely old people? Why are there old people who are severely lonely posting on Facebook and asking their communities for support? One old lady was asking for people to write her letters she was so lonely and wanted some contact, her three children all lived in the same town, one next door to her!, but she only saw them once a year on her birthday.

My anecdotal experience is the exact opposite of yours. The last four women I knew who died, three didn’t have children and were not lonely at all and had full social lives and had people with them when they died, one had 9 children and was very lonely and died in a care home, her children were called but couldn’t make it. It’s not relevant to this thread though as that isn’t everyone’s experience. Having or not having children is a personal thing and should be based on whether or not you want them for the sake of the children, not on how much they might be able to look after you when you’re old.

Telling childless (never mind childfree) people they WILL be lonely when they’re old is a nasty thing to do.

But that's your Nan. Just because you think that would have been her experience doesn't mean that would be the case for everyone else. How do you go from "her life would be so much more empty and lonely..." to everyone without kids will be lonely in their old age?

I have a hobby that involves spending time with quite a few older old people - aged 80+. Occasionally we'll sit and chat and set the world to rights. There are a few without kids, but most have kids and the majority of them have grandchildren (and great-grandchildren). Not one of the people without children has expressed regret at not having kids. But quite a few of the people with kids - particularly the women - have said that if they had their time again, they would have stayed childfree.

It just goes to show that experiences - and regrets - will vary, because people are different. Who knew?

And I'm trying to imagine explaining to a child that the only reason they were conceived is so that their parents wouldn't be lonely in old age. Selfish doesn't even come close.

i understand why people looking to conceive would visit a mum site, I know before I had kids I would look at sites for mums like this but if you never have an intention on having kids then don’t know why you would like I said it was just an observation. Maybe mumsnet should change their slogan 🤷🏼‍♀️

I googled low carb diets and it led me to this forum, where I found out the majority of boards have nothing to do with parenting. There you go.

It's really annoying that every single time there is a thread about women who don't have children, it gets derailed by people who want to know what the childfree/childless/infertile/bereaved are doing on here.

@Finalstar everything on here is anecdotal though. My dad had an amazing hobby that took him around the world and had lots of friends but if you're lucky enough to go well into old age your friends die and your hobbies are not always possible to maintain.

If this genuinely your second thread I'd suggest parenthood isn't for you. If it's tieing you up in knots. Once you get to around 40 it's generally not easy to have your first baby biologically speaking.

I disagree . We all have cycles in life - people come and go. I volunteer for Age UK. The lady I ring is 93; she has a daughter who’s 70 and great grandchildren. The 93-year old is relying on Age UK because her daughter lives too far away to come and visit regularly. Her grandchildren have their own busy lives - work, friends and family and her great grandchildren visit maybe twice three times a year. How is that situation any less lonely than the lady who made loads of friends over the years?