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Original poster

Older people who are without children…

204 replies

James637 · 28/03/2023 16:07

Any older folks here 60+ who haven’t got children? How has your life panned out? Do you ever have regrets? Is it lonely?

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Nottodayicant · 28/03/2023 17:39

I love my children dearly but often wonder what my life would have been like had I chose a child free route, lot to be said for it.

YouJustDoYou · 28/03/2023 17:39

NancyPickford · 28/03/2023 16:40

I'm late 60s, my husband is early 60s and neither of us ever wanted children, or even thought about it. When we met (in our late and early 30s) we were upfront about it and were delighted we were both in the same boat. I have no regrets, in fact it never usually crosses my mind, except when I think I might die alone with no relatives, but then there's no guarantee that children would be there anyway. So no, I've enjoyed my weekend lie ins, my late nights, my holidays in term time etc etc. I don't mind other people's children, I just knew I couldn't make that commitment. That maternal part of me has always just been absent.

I think the part of even if you do have kids they might not even be around when you're older is also important. I've seen older people with children lonely because the kids never visit. You just never know.

hattie43 · 28/03/2023 17:41

I am child free no regrets
MN is about so much more than children it's about life of which we participate

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Queenofscones · 28/03/2023 17:49

fridascruffs · 28/03/2023 16:51

No problems with your decisions to not have children but- why are you on mumsnet? I'm genuinely curious. There are quite a few of you.

AIBU, Chat, Feminism, DIY and Property, Feminism: Sex and Gender, Pets, Travel, Style and Beauty... There are innumerable boards on MN which aren't about children.

But thank you, Frida, you've proved my theory that people with children don't think of people without then as real people.

OP, I've never regretted not having children. Never wanted them. So pleased now, looking at climate change and the extremely dodgy world political situation, that my particular genetic line ends here. The main problem is finding friends who don't spend all their time talking about their children and grandchildren.

Chilloutsnow · 28/03/2023 17:56

If you’re not that fussed I wouldn’t bother. Sounds like the urge isn’t really there which is fine. I’m 34 with 3 older teens and kids and for me I just knew I wanted kids. There was no middle ground/shade of grey. Having said that, it is hard work overall, but worth it. I’m not sure it would have been if I didn’t really want them though.

TodayInahurry · 28/03/2023 17:58

Never wanted them, did not have them. Never regretted this especially when I read the problems they cause on MN. Have a husband, horse and dog.

Silvers11 · 28/03/2023 18:03

@James637 if your decision rests solely on whether or not people without children are lonely at 60+ - please do not have them. That is entirely the wrong reason to have children. Having children is no guarantee that you won't still be lonely in your older age. None at all. Many families don't see much or anything of their adult children for many different reasons

I'm quite appalled at the fact that this is a reason why you might have them. Children are not possessions, and they will turn into independent adults. If you're only interested in having them so that they will stop your older age being lonely, then you are likely to also be the kind of parent whose children are desperate to be free of you

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 28/03/2023 18:04

fridascruffs · 28/03/2023 16:51

No problems with your decisions to not have children but- why are you on mumsnet? I'm genuinely curious. There are quite a few of you.

And ... bingo.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 28/03/2023 18:08

I always said when I was younger that I was 50/50 about having children (had a termination as unplanned pregnancy at 17 and then a miscarriage at 21 when I was engaged).

I didn’t meet the right person at the right time to have children with, I could’ve done at 30 but it was a nightmare of a relationship. I also didn’t want to have children as a single parent as my DM was after she got divorced from my DF when I was 5.

Your biological clock kicking in at 30 onwards does confuse people and there are some days I do regret not having children, but then I figure I’d have settled with someone I probably didn’t fancy or like much or I’d be a single mother which I didn’t plan.

Have a good hard think about it and read whatever you can. Then make some decisions.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 28/03/2023 18:15

TakeMe2Insanity · 28/03/2023 17:25

The two people I know who are content with their lives without children truly had to make their peace with the life they would have had. I think it takes a lot of strength to do that.

That’s true, one of my best friends joined a special support group or website as she’d have loved children but it just didn’t happen and then she had medical issues.

You do have to come to terms with it, the one child free by choice friend I know, she has been tempted sometimes by a man, but it would’ve had to have been the right relationship and after a long relationship with someone when she was younger she didn’t really want another relationship.

butterfliedtwo · 28/03/2023 18:17

Clusterfunk · 28/03/2023 16:35

I’m mid-40s, not older by your definition, but the older I get the happier I am without children. Absolutely the right decision for me.

Definitely this. 45.

Original poster
James637 · 28/03/2023 18:22

curious79 · 28/03/2023 17:33

There's a book called Baby Hunger by Sylvia Ann Hewlett that could be interesting for you to read. She covers the topic of why women don't have children (often a creeping non-choice in her time) and when regret sets in (with her contemporaries in their 50s/ 60 s as they started to see friends experience grandparent hood). There is a whole lot less societal pressure now and some of the horrors and difficulties of parenting are out there in the open.

I'm 49, not 62. At 34 I knew for certain I wanted children - definite biological urge, having spent my 20s saying ugh, no, never. My DD is the best thing ever to have happened. The love is profound, and it makes up in my case for any tough times. But you don't miss what you don't have. Prior to her birth I was worried about loving my two cats more. At birth they instantly became just the cats. I chime in because I see lots of young women now trying to turn this into some kind of rational, analytical decision. To some extent it is - affordability in the main I reckon. But the weighing up of future unknown regrets is a deeply personal thing.

It's the getting married bit I would question deeply. Head to Denmark and get some fine Danish seed (socially they value donation) and then you are free to raise your child without a dubious man child in the equation if you need (divorced and remarried).

Otherwise my childfree friends are all having a marvellous time, just as we are with them. Some wonder 'what if?' but have good partnerships. Only one feels pain at never having had children. The kids are old enough now to come along to festivals, sort their own meals out etc.

Just to clarify this is a man posting! 😬

OP posts:
Phoebo · 28/03/2023 18:23

Worried about being lonely is a terrible reason to have children

AnybodyAnywhere · 28/03/2023 18:25

I’m 68 and childless though not by choice. I’ve made the most of my life and still do and I don’t spend all my time regretting not having children but I do feel a twinge when I see my friends out with their families and grandchildren. I do wonder what will happen to me if I outlive DH and get much older than I intend though.

TheaBrandt · 28/03/2023 18:26

Build relationships with your nicer nieces or nephews and make it clear they will be thought of fondly in your will. Old age support sorted.

EmmaEmerald · 28/03/2023 18:27

Carlycat · 28/03/2023 16:42

  1. Childfree. Sterilised at 30. Not regretted this for one millisecond. Living the smug single childfree dream 👌

I'm 46 and mostly have a smug childfree life

I have just been in tears over elderly parent issues. I am so glad I won't be anyone's burden later in life. So please don't have them for that - it's like saying "I want kids to make them unhappy later".

SquashPenguin · 28/03/2023 18:27

fridascruffs · 28/03/2023 16:51

No problems with your decisions to not have children but- why are you on mumsnet? I'm genuinely curious. There are quite a few of you.

Not this again 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

notthisagainforest · 28/03/2023 18:32

They might not regret it at 60 but in 10 or so years they will because their circle will be very small. No children no grandchildren. People who do t have kids will of course end up lonely

Mummysgogetter · 28/03/2023 18:45

notthisagainforest · 28/03/2023 18:32

They might not regret it at 60 but in 10 or so years they will because their circle will be very small. No children no grandchildren. People who do t have kids will of course end up lonely

🤣🤣🤣 sounds like you actually want this to happen to people who have decided not to have kids lol - are you some kind of clairvoyant or something? How do u know that the person who chose not to have kids doesn’t have loads of nieces and nephews and other kids that they’ve become close to? My mum was friends with a woman when we were children who had none of her own and we treat her like a second mum as we had more fun with her than our own mother

Wishimaywishimight · 28/03/2023 18:55

I'm in my 50's. We are certainly not lonely, both have friends, enjoy going out, spend time with our parents and siblings. We do enjoy quiet time at home too though, neither of us would be entirely comfortable in a noisy house!

MyriadOfTravels · 28/03/2023 18:57

I have similar reservations than @notthisagainforest

Yes you might have a big family around you that you get on well with. They might have nieces and nephews etc... And at 60 or even 70s they are likely to still see them.
They will also have friends around them and so on.

But from 75yo onwards? when the siblings are themselves much older, the nices and nephews have their own lives and the aunty is much lower down the priority list? They've moved 300 miles away etc.. Maybe not.
Same with friends who can't drive anymore etc...

Tbf the same can happen if you have dcs. I've seen it happening with BOTH sets of grand parents for very different reasons.
But I think you are more likely to end up alone/on your own than if you have dcs.

Fwiw I know a couple of women who havent had children, both in their 70s now. Both have mentioned how essential it is for them to keep as physically and mentally well as possible because no one will come and help them do their shopping or sort out a bill. One of them says she is involved in her community in a very purposeful way - that's her way to create a network around her to 'replace' the work family would take on in an emergency. Church seems to be working well for her to do that until now....

MyriadOfTravels · 28/03/2023 18:58

I think there are questions to ask about how we will care for older people with no famiy to support them.
Atm the whole system relies on the children (adults) to step in.

For those with no dcs and little family aorund - what is the plan if that becomes more and more 'the norm'?

EmmaEmerald · 28/03/2023 19:00

Myriad I have helped out many elderly neighbours over the years

they all had children. In one case, her only child died young, and in the other cases, they couldn't or wouldn't help. Realistically people have to be nearby to help. Having younger folk as part of your network seems key. Mum now has lots of friends who can't help anyone due to age and infirmity. But she has younger friends and neighbours, thank goodness, if it was just us, it would be even worse.

FurAndFeathers · 28/03/2023 19:04

Glitterstars · 28/03/2023 16:53

Was thinking the same. The home page says “by parents for parents” not sure why you would come across “mums”net if you aren’t a mum dad or guardian?

It appears having children impairs your imagination!

FurAndFeathers · 28/03/2023 19:06

notthisagainforest · 28/03/2023 18:32

They might not regret it at 60 but in 10 or so years they will because their circle will be very small. No children no grandchildren. People who do t have kids will of course end up lonely

I’m very happy to trade off hypothetical loneliness when I’m too decrepit to do anything for a lifetime of disposable income, sleep and travel 😊

there’s alway switzerkand 😁