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Original poster

Older people who are without children…

204 replies

James637 · 28/03/2023 16:07

Any older folks here 60+ who haven’t got children? How has your life panned out? Do you ever have regrets? Is it lonely?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
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njg616 · 28/03/2023 21:26

I worked as a nurse for a while and having adult children with you at the end does not make dying any easier

Gablonz · 28/03/2023 21:27

Glitterstars · 28/03/2023 16:53

Was thinking the same. The home page says “by parents for parents” not sure why you would come across “mums”net if you aren’t a mum dad or guardian?

Not this again.
There are huge sections of Mumsnet which has nothing to do with parenting. I first discovered AIBU when it started being quoted in the press. I've stayed because there are all kinds of things I am interested in - health, books, pets, travel, AIBU, relationships, the parking threads. And also I know a lot about primary education so I can and do offer an opinion on some threads where parents are asking about particular issues their children are having at school.

But I don't have kids so presumably I have no right to be here and no right to an opinion.

lostinthejungle22 · 28/03/2023 21:29

Seems everyone here is very happy to be childfree! I battled with indecision for a decade and in the end it was a podcast "to baby or not to baby" that helped me make the decision. It's a collection of interviews with all kinds of people with and without kids. (I did decide to have a baby, and no regrets)

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
littlestrawberryhat · 28/03/2023 21:29

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 28/03/2023 18:04

And ... bingo.

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Yeh but they’ve kiiinndd of got a point though.

Instagramearworms · 28/03/2023 21:31

littlestrawberryhat · 28/03/2023 21:29

Yeh but they’ve kiiinndd of got a point though.

Show quote history

Have they? Maybe you can explain why childless people cant be on here having an opinion on car parking threads or gardening threads then?

FurAndFeathers · 28/03/2023 21:32

notthisagainforest · 28/03/2023 20:43

I have not said it's a fact. For the last time I have said that is my experience and of course my opinion is based on my experience It is of my opinion that if you don't have children you will be lonely. You don't seem to like me saying it but that is what I believe goodnight 👍

You mean apart from the post where you literally said It's not being cruel it's stating the facts based on my experience I'm afraid

Yes I can see that except from where you clearly said you were stating facts, you’ve definitely not said you were stating facts @notthisagainforest 😂

Coolcoolcold · 28/03/2023 21:32

littlestrawberryhat · 28/03/2023 21:29

Yeh but they’ve kiiinndd of got a point though.

Show quote history

I’m sorry for your children that you have so little empathy that you think because I don’t have children I don’t deserve support after being raped.

magicthree · 28/03/2023 21:32

MyriadOfTravels · 28/03/2023 21:10

Btw to those who say ‘well they still have nieces and nephews’,

  • 1 you are assuming that you will have nieces and nephews. As an only child, I don’t….
  • 2 you are relying on others having children to ease your own isolation - by allowing you to still have you get family around you. In some ways, it’s a bit rich to say you won’t be lonely/have a big network around you when you are basically relying on your own siblings to have said children/younger generation….

If I didn’t have children, I’d have no younger people in my family. No siblings, no niece and nephew. i am housebound so a very limited number if friend/network.
Not everyone can have people around them and maintain that network un their 70s….
(and good fir those who can btw. I’m just saying … don’t assume that because you can, everyone can)

I too am an only child, so no nieces or nephews. My exDH has one brother and three nephews - he has been estranged from that branch of the family for over 20 years, and he doesn't have children. Surely those who don't have children can make plans for when they age so they are not in the position you talk about. I have no plans to rely on anyone else with children to ease my isolation, should I ever be isolated. The elderly I know all have friends who visit them, whether they are housebound or not, and there is a Senior Citizens group where I work who visit the housebound, and help them with various things - I would be very surprised if there aren't similar organisations all over the UK (I live in NZ)

PARunnerGirl · 28/03/2023 21:34

The flaw with @notthisagainforest and many others point of view on here is that in order to imagine what “one of our” lives without children must be like, you simply take your life with children, remove them from the equation and therefore surmise that life would be lonely.

Of course that is not how it works though. We have had so much more time to forge the deepest of friendships, be in partnerships or marriages that are about helping each other to be the best version of themselves (and not focused on children for so long). We can more freely choose where we live (I.e. not based on school proximity) and therefore find and be part of a community where we build strong relationships with neighbours, community groups and get involved in different social events.

We have so much more time to pursue interests and through those meet like-minded people. You are able bond very strongly with other adults when you connect over something that you are truly passionate about. For this reason it is probably easier to develop strong friendships doing things like this than it is through some of the play date or school mum type of groups, where the level of connection is not as deep.

I don’t think one way is better than the other because it is dependent on the person. But to say that people without children will “of course” be lonely is small-minded and a bit stupid. It is also a sad mindset to have because your children will no doubt pick up on it over the years and due to feelings of obligation, end up limiting their lives.

Queenofscones · 28/03/2023 21:37

Minimummonday · 28/03/2023 21:16

But single childless (by choice) women tend to be more urban and affluent so that probably goes a long way to explaining the data. @Queenofscones @Instagramearworms

Oh. Right. How about considering the possibility that being free of the burden of child-care and not having decades of your life dominated by nappies, sore nipples, packed lunches, picking up Lego and trying to navigate the school system could mean that women without children might enjoy life more and be happier than women who have them? Do you really think it's all down to money?

Look at all the thousands of desperate mothers who post about their woes on MN every month. So much drudgery and exhaustion and resentment and unhappiness. So many women coping valiantly with children with chronic illness and ASD and anxiety and on and on...

What do you think those of us who chose not to have children feel when we read all those sad threads? Might that explain why we're generally happier than those who have children?

coffeeshopmusic · 28/03/2023 21:47

curious79 · 28/03/2023 17:33

There's a book called Baby Hunger by Sylvia Ann Hewlett that could be interesting for you to read. She covers the topic of why women don't have children (often a creeping non-choice in her time) and when regret sets in (with her contemporaries in their 50s/ 60 s as they started to see friends experience grandparent hood). There is a whole lot less societal pressure now and some of the horrors and difficulties of parenting are out there in the open.

I'm 49, not 62. At 34 I knew for certain I wanted children - definite biological urge, having spent my 20s saying ugh, no, never. My DD is the best thing ever to have happened. The love is profound, and it makes up in my case for any tough times. But you don't miss what you don't have. Prior to her birth I was worried about loving my two cats more. At birth they instantly became just the cats. I chime in because I see lots of young women now trying to turn this into some kind of rational, analytical decision. To some extent it is - affordability in the main I reckon. But the weighing up of future unknown regrets is a deeply personal thing.

It's the getting married bit I would question deeply. Head to Denmark and get some fine Danish seed (socially they value donation) and then you are free to raise your child without a dubious man child in the equation if you need (divorced and remarried).

Otherwise my childfree friends are all having a marvellous time, just as we are with them. Some wonder 'what if?' but have good partnerships. Only one feels pain at never having had children. The kids are old enough now to come along to festivals, sort their own meals out etc.

I agree with the sentiment here that it's possible to overthink it and turn it into purely and analytical rational decision.

Life is so different for everyone that even after gathering all these views ultimately only you can decide what's right for you.

You may live until your 90s or you may die tomorrow, what do you want your life filled with in that time?

Over40Overdating · 28/03/2023 21:55

The other point some commenters miss when they so confidently say those without kids (or partners on the single threads) will be old and alone - shit happens.

One of my wider family members has spent her life crowing that having a happy marriage and children has put her ahead of the rest of the family.
She’s now in her 70s and wishing to die on a daily basis because her husband left her for another woman, one of her adult children died, another has acquired an brain injury which makes them dependent on her for everything and the other just doesn’t care.

She has no friends as she always said time spent away from Hubbie or kids is wasted.
She’s got no hobbies or interests.
Wider family don’t bother much with her as she’s never bothered with them.
Her health issues are keeping her housebound but the children she has left are no help. The people who are helping her most are single neighbours, ironically.

JudgeRudy · 28/03/2023 21:57

We may have suspected it already, but now the science backs it up: unmarried and childless women are the happiest subgroup in the population. And they are more likely to live longer than their married and child-rearing peers, according to a leading expert in happiness

It's difficult to separate causation and correlation though. Would that same woman have been happier without child/ren? Id like to see stats for childless men v actively parenting men.

@James637 Are you and your partner (if you have one) in conflict about this? Is this a design you looking to make soon?

JudgeRudy · 28/03/2023 22:02

@James637 apologies, Is this as DECISION (not design) you need to make soon?.....so for example if your partner is a similar age and doesn't want to wait too long

Monoprix · 28/03/2023 22:05

50 this year. Never wanted kids, don’t have them. I feel that motherhood would be a gross violation on my very nature, a total loss of my freedom and self, I couldn’t handle it.
Still not menopausal so I have to be very careful with contraception 😳

Jonei · 28/03/2023 22:09

Ideally families should step up. But often they don't, or if they do it's the bare minimum, reluctantly. I'm not blaming them for not wanting to be carers particularly. But if the reason for having children is so that you have someone to look after you in your old age, then you might end up being disappointed.

mybeautifuloak · 28/03/2023 22:25

fluffiphlox · 28/03/2023 16:43

Yes and I have no regrets though I have had a lifetime of friends boring on about their children and now, grandchildren.

I wonder what you bore your friends with

Original poster
James637 · 28/03/2023 22:26

JudgeRudy · 28/03/2023 22:02

@James637 apologies, Is this as DECISION (not design) you need to make soon?.....so for example if your partner is a similar age and doesn't want to wait too long

No I am single at the moment because I feel like I need to know what I want before getting back into dating!

OP posts:
mybeautifuloak · 28/03/2023 22:29

notthisagainforest · 28/03/2023 18:32

They might not regret it at 60 but in 10 or so years they will because their circle will be very small. No children no grandchildren. People who do t have kids will of course end up lonely

Hahaaaaa. I have dc so no skin in supporting or not supported you but my Lord your comment is the dumbest I've read on MN

mybeautifuloak · 28/03/2023 22:33

notthisagainforest · 28/03/2023 19:37

It's not being cruel it's stating the facts based on my experience I'm afraid.

You seem to have zero ability to se outside your narrow sphere of experience. Are you neurodivergent?

There are countless child free older people who holiday together, go on cruises, live in communities with other older people, play sports, generally have a lovely time. There are also many old people with dc who live abroad and/or never visit, resent having any responsibility for their elderly parents and withhold their dgc from them.
You are in for a rude awakening if you are assuming you know what your old age will look like.

BeckyBeehive · 28/03/2023 22:34

TodayInahurry · 28/03/2023 17:58

Never wanted them, did not have them. Never regretted this especially when I read the problems they cause on MN. Have a husband, horse and dog.

Have you not read about all the problems husband's cause on MN, and dogs, and occasionally horses? 😂

Branleuse · 28/03/2023 22:42

Mumsnet is barely about parenting, but definitely woman focussed.

orangehour · 28/03/2023 22:54

I heard something on a podcast recently (Clementine Ford) that interested me hugely: just because you have moments of regret or aren’t 100% sure about your choices all the time doesn’t mean your choices are wrong, because when do we ever feel 100% certain or consistent in life? Over years?

I do have kids and I daydream about different paths I could have taken and wonder if it was the right choice. It doesn’t trouble me to have these thoughts or even longings because you can’t live 5 times and try out all the possibilities. I personally think regret is a normal part of life and ageing and not always bad, agonising etc.

Janeb1965 · 28/03/2023 23:07

58 at the end of this month and despite pretty much always having had a partner since I was 15, and being married for the last 30 years, I've never been pregnant apart from a very early miscarriage when I was 17. Truthfully I wouldn't change a thing, other than had I have kept my baby I'm sure I would have been happy with that as well (although I'm pretty sure I wouldn't still be with that bf).

I've absolutely loved having the choice to do what i/we want when we want to do it and to make the most of our joint disposable income really without having to consider anything or anyone else. I have a couple of nephews and a niece, we spoilt them I'm sure and whilst I love them very much its great to send them home.

It's almost impossible to say if I'd have been happier with children, who can tell. But I know I'm very happy as I am

Queenofscones · 28/03/2023 23:26

James637 · 28/03/2023 22:26

No I am single at the moment because I feel like I need to know what I want before getting back into dating!

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You sound thoughtful, James. A quick read through the relationships and AIBU and parenting threads will reveal that many men fall into parenthood with no expectation of having to be involved or engaged with their child. If you don't feel strongly drawn to being a good, committed dad, be honest with your dates and the women that you're not interested in children. Good luck.

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