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Original poster

Husband wants to kick ds out?

288 replies

Clarke1979 · 26/02/2023 19:22

Ds turned 18 last week and his dad has been asking when he’s going to move out. This has come completely out of nowhere! We never spoke about it before his birthday at all! Husband made comments when he was a baby about kicking him out when he was 18 (he did the same with dd, 15, as well) but I never took him seriously. Ds is currently in college full time, learning to drive and working one day a week. He wants to work more now that he is 18 but before we agreed one shift a week so that he could focus on corse work. I’m telling my husband that he’s being completely unreasonable but we’ve been arguing all week. Husband says that he’s an adult now and needs to act like one. Contemplating moving out with my son at this point. Any advice?

OP posts:
Barannca · 26/02/2023 22:04

Your husband sounds terrible. Your children don't stop being your children just because they are 18. Given a choice chose your son.

Original poster
Clarke1979 · 26/02/2023 22:05

Thank you everyone for the advice, I really appreciate it. My husband’s gone out with a friend, apparently, and is refusing to speak to me or ds. Dd has been in tears and ds is beside himself. I honestly don’t know what is going on in H’s head or what exactly he’s been saying to ds but he’s got it into his head that he should drop out and work full time. This is news to me who thought he just wanted to pick up a few extra evening shifts. For reference he works at a restaurant that pays minimum wage. I’ve told him that this is stupid when he’s only got a few months of school left anyway but I’m worried he’s stuck on the idea as he’s so upset and desperate to show dad he’s not a “lazy failure” (ds’s words).

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 26/02/2023 22:05

I probably can’t had anything helpful but when my DH playfully said he could kick DD1 out when she turned 16 I said if he did then he was kicking me out too. He never said it again.

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Emotionalsupportviper · 26/02/2023 22:06

MaryKateDanaher · 26/02/2023 19:22

Kick your husband out instead. What a shit.

Your "D"H is a tw*t. If I had to get rid of one or the other, I would get rid of the husband.

No way would I throw out my child they weren't in a position to support themselves unless they were violent or in some other way causing real, insurmountable problems and disrupting the household.

Your son hasn't even finished his education, for heavens's sake!

Just out of interest - how old was your husband when he left home? And was he forced to leave?

I'd rather sell the house, take my half and move out with the kids.

Emotionalsupportviper · 26/02/2023 22:09

Husband says that he’s an adult now and needs to act like one.

Your husband (no "dear" for him) is a PARENT, and needs to act like one.

Mothership4two · 26/02/2023 22:10

What an arse! Reminds me of the '"dog isn't just for Christmas..." charity adverts. Your kids are your kids for life, you don't boot them out the door for no reason at 18. It sounds as though he regards him as a rival not his son. Actually quite a cruel way to carry on towards all of you.

I left home at 18 too eventually, by choice and after Alevels and whatnot, but those were different times. It's a totally different ballgame now. We have two adult DS at home with us ATM.

BlueSeaWave · 26/02/2023 22:10

Holy fuck he’s a shit OP.
Thank you so much for being a decent human being and fantastic mum to your kids. Some people would actually stay with an abusive husband, so thank you again on behalf of your son for being amazing. What you are doing for him now will help set him up so much better for life. Thank you for your son.

RampantIvy · 26/02/2023 22:10

I think it might be worth contacting the school to let them know what is going on at home.

I don't understand why your husband doesn't value education. Without qualifications the chances of getting a job with propsects are much slimmer. He seems to be completely out of touch with today's job and rental markets. I hope his friend knocks some sense into him.

Mothership4two · 26/02/2023 22:11

RampantIvy · 26/02/2023 22:10

I think it might be worth contacting the school to let them know what is going on at home.

I don't understand why your husband doesn't value education. Without qualifications the chances of getting a job with propsects are much slimmer. He seems to be completely out of touch with today's job and rental markets. I hope his friend knocks some sense into him.

^^ this

whynotwhatknot · 26/02/2023 22:14

what a heartless man-your son turned 18 a week ago and he wants him out?

hes still studying ffs where does he think hes going to work

FictionalCharacter · 26/02/2023 22:15

Clarke1979 · 26/02/2023 22:05

Thank you everyone for the advice, I really appreciate it. My husband’s gone out with a friend, apparently, and is refusing to speak to me or ds. Dd has been in tears and ds is beside himself. I honestly don’t know what is going on in H’s head or what exactly he’s been saying to ds but he’s got it into his head that he should drop out and work full time. This is news to me who thought he just wanted to pick up a few extra evening shifts. For reference he works at a restaurant that pays minimum wage. I’ve told him that this is stupid when he’s only got a few months of school left anyway but I’m worried he’s stuck on the idea as he’s so upset and desperate to show dad he’s not a “lazy failure” (ds’s words).

Go to your sister’s with the dc, quickly, and tell DS he is not leaving school.
This really is LTB territory when he’s not only upset your kids terribly, but seems hell bent on ruining your son’s education.
Is he one of those dreadful fathers who is jealous of his own children because he didn’t achieve much himself? Or is he just a Man Of The House type who thinks you should all fall into line with his 1940s thinking?

Weedoormatnomore · 26/02/2023 22:15

Clarke1979 · 26/02/2023 22:05

Thank you everyone for the advice, I really appreciate it. My husband’s gone out with a friend, apparently, and is refusing to speak to me or ds. Dd has been in tears and ds is beside himself. I honestly don’t know what is going on in H’s head or what exactly he’s been saying to ds but he’s got it into his head that he should drop out and work full time. This is news to me who thought he just wanted to pick up a few extra evening shifts. For reference he works at a restaurant that pays minimum wage. I’ve told him that this is stupid when he’s only got a few months of school left anyway but I’m worried he’s stuck on the idea as he’s so upset and desperate to show dad he’s not a “lazy failure” (ds’s words).

Your poor Son sounds like your husband has had a go at him for ages about working. Hope your DS stays on at school and sees that his dad is just awful. While husband is out with mates I would be packing bags with everything you need passports etc your husband sounds like a shit who knows what else he is capable off.

QueenofLouisiana · 26/02/2023 22:15

Ummmm…no. DS should definitely not be leaving. Our DS is a few weeks younger and we fully expect to be supporting him- financially and emotionally- for a few years yet.
If DH suggested otherwise, his mother would be getting him straight back (actually I don’t think she’d take him in those circumstances!).

Hope551 · 26/02/2023 22:18

Just reading through! But really want to tell you how amazing you are to stand up for your children and put them first. Do your best to keep DS spirit up and finish education. You leaving your husband to ensure your children know they come first and that you have their interest at heart will speak volumes for them and mean the world. It will be tough but in the long run your children will feel secure with your support and move past this and you will have such a strong bond with them! It will all be worth it. When they finish education and gain a fulfilling future thanks to you it will all be worth it x

Bananaramen · 26/02/2023 22:18

OP this is absolutely awful. Your husband is a bully.
I work with teenagers and don’t know any that have to leave at 18 whilst still at college. No parents do this, believe me. You are not being soft - your husband is not being a proper parent. What’s the matter with him?

Even children in care are supported with assisted living until they finish at college!

billy1966 · 26/02/2023 22:18

I think you desperately need to get good legal advice.
That house is a marital asset now.

Very hard to believe that this is the first episode of emotional abuse in the home.

Your husband is trying to destroy/disrupt your son's education.

You need to contact the school for support and protect your son.

I would contact 101 to ask for advice.

Your husband is bullying and abusing you all.

He is the one who should leave the home.

You need to be very strongly verbal in your support of your son.

He is being bullied and he seems intent on damaging his schooling and future.

That poor boy.

SpaceOpera · 26/02/2023 22:20

You have two fires to put out. Your son: “I’ve told him that this is stupid when he’s only got a few months of school left anyway but I’m worried he’s stuck on the idea as he’s so upset and desperate…”

And your husband, who is starting to ramp up the abuse.

Tell your son, explicitly and without room for interpretation, that you will protect him like a lioness, that you will fight tooth and nail for him, and that his job is now to keep sailing steadily on while you sort out the other fire. He should be left in no doubt that his only worry is investing in his future, and will take care of everything else. Show strength and conviction and he will absorb it.

As for your husband, I have already posted on how to avoid the steady ramp up of the abuse. Something is going on with him. Midlife crisis? Affair? Gambling debts? Escorts? Depression? Work woes? Looming redundancy he won’t take about because he feels like a failure?

All possibilities, as seen several times in these pages.

Emotionalsupportviper · 26/02/2023 22:22

That house is a marital asset now.

As above.

Especially as your DD is only 15.

I'm so sorry "OP" - this is horrible for you and for not your children.

Bananaramen · 26/02/2023 22:22

Yes I agree contact your son’s school and explain the situation. They should be able to offer your son some support and persuade him to stay and finish his education, which is absolutely the right thing for him to do for his long term job prospects.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 26/02/2023 22:23

Surely your husband didn't bcome an utter asshole overnight. What has he been like leading up to this? Has he always been a shit father and husband? Is he abusing all of you?

Cherrysoup · 26/02/2023 22:24

What the fuck am I reading? He wants your ds to move out because he’s 18?! Because you’re married, you’re entitled to at least some of the house as a marital asset. I think the dc are entitled to stay til they’re out of full time education, but I strongly recommend you see a solicitor and get correct legal advice. This seems to have come out of the blue, it’s very bizarre.

Crazycrazylady · 26/02/2023 22:26

What an absolutely knob... I'd tell your husband he can have all the peace and quiet he wants and divorce him.

Crimsonripple · 26/02/2023 22:28

This is heart breaking! Renting a room from his friends parents?! Noway! His home is with his family until he is ready to move out.

Your husband is a grade a prick!

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 26/02/2023 22:34

Clarke1979 · 26/02/2023 22:05

Thank you everyone for the advice, I really appreciate it. My husband’s gone out with a friend, apparently, and is refusing to speak to me or ds. Dd has been in tears and ds is beside himself. I honestly don’t know what is going on in H’s head or what exactly he’s been saying to ds but he’s got it into his head that he should drop out and work full time. This is news to me who thought he just wanted to pick up a few extra evening shifts. For reference he works at a restaurant that pays minimum wage. I’ve told him that this is stupid when he’s only got a few months of school left anyway but I’m worried he’s stuck on the idea as he’s so upset and desperate to show dad he’s not a “lazy failure” (ds’s words).

Do not let DS drop out to work full time in a min wage restaurant job

Jesus

I'd be seeing a solicitor ASAP and handing the husband his arse quite frankly

ScreamingBeans · 26/02/2023 22:37

Don't leave.

Throw him out.

WTF, did you really never have any inkling that he's such a lousy father?