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Original poster

Husband wants to kick ds out?

288 replies

Clarke1979 · 26/02/2023 19:22

Ds turned 18 last week and his dad has been asking when he’s going to move out. This has come completely out of nowhere! We never spoke about it before his birthday at all! Husband made comments when he was a baby about kicking him out when he was 18 (he did the same with dd, 15, as well) but I never took him seriously. Ds is currently in college full time, learning to drive and working one day a week. He wants to work more now that he is 18 but before we agreed one shift a week so that he could focus on corse work. I’m telling my husband that he’s being completely unreasonable but we’ve been arguing all week. Husband says that he’s an adult now and needs to act like one. Contemplating moving out with my son at this point. Any advice?

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 26/02/2023 23:43

He is a very weird man. Will he help pay for the accommodation for your son?

shiningstar2 · 26/02/2023 23:44

Your poor son must be broken hearted. To have a normal, what he must have seen as a good relationship with his dad, then suddenly, on his 28th birthday be told he should move out must be devastating. 18 these days is just barely out of childhood although legally an adult. They are expected to be in some kind of fill time education until then ...pretty much school kids ..not even at the going off to university stage ...which still needs massive support. Does your husband realize that if your DS has to leave college and take minim wage jobs so he can fully support himself, he is ruining his own son's chance of getting qualifications and decent paid employment? Who does that to their own son??? Is he not ashamed and embarrassed that his son is looking to rent a room on one of his friend's houses and that the friends parents are prepared to give his sonore help than he is?
I hate to suguest this but is there another underlying agenda going on here? Is he hoping to get his kids to 18 then divorce you? Is he depressed Why would a dad who has seemingly been ok with his son suddenly treat him like this? Is is a total uncalled for, cruel and unnecessary rejection of his own son.
Sorry op. I think you are right to move out. I think your son needs to be able to see that at least one of his parents has his back. It's a tough world out there. 💐

shiningstar2 · 26/02/2023 23:45

18th birthday obviously ...not 28th. Clumsy fingers. 😃

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Schnooze · 26/02/2023 23:46

Before he was 18, how would you have described their relationship?

jibbe · 26/02/2023 23:47

Heartless bastard

Crumpleton · 26/02/2023 23:49

As much as he wants to show his father he's not a "lazy failure" try to persuade your DS to finish his college course.
IMO he has nothing to prove.

He sounds like a decent lad working as well as going to college to earn a bit of money so definitely not lazy.

I have no idea what he's studying but if it's something that he wants to follow as a career it would be a shame to give in now and him maybe regret it in future.

I feel so sorry for your boy being treated like this, absolutely shocking behaviour from his father.

Dyra · 26/02/2023 23:52

Justmeandthedog1 · 26/02/2023 21:48

Years ago, back in the 50s and 60s , kids moved out at 18 , or even before, because they did National Service or they’d been working since they were 15 or 16. They often had cheap lodgings, sharing a room, meals provided by a landlady. Those days are long gone but maybe your husband thinks they still exist?
How does he expect your ds to pay rent, bills, buy food , clothes etc… ? Where does he think your son will live?

This is exactly what I'm thinking too.

Does your husband have his head so firmly rammed up his own ass, that he doesn't realise the world today is a far cry different from the world he lived in at the age of 18? Does he even know what the minimum wage for an 18 year old is? Which is all he will get as no-one in this day and age is interested in hiring a school leaver with zero experience. Has he even a clue it is so much less than even the so called 'living wage'?

Has he not paid attention that there's a huge cost of living crisis, or is this his "solution" to any money problems he thinks he has by kicking out a dependant of "adult" age?

Does he not realise that even if it were the same as back then, he still only left home after he graduated. Not before. I bet he was all nice and cosy at home studying and revising to get through those all important final exams without the stress of having to work to feed and house himself. Can he not even afford the same courtesy to his own son, just because your son was born a few months earlier in the school year?

Just.... I can't believe what a contemptible piece of slime your husband has revealed himself to be. I don't think I could, or would want to salvage a relationship after he's made his true colours known. I hope you, DS, and DD will be far better off without him.

TheFrozenCanal · 26/02/2023 23:55

I think even if he was 28, to be suddenly booted out when otherwise being a good member of the family is a shock, and his relationship with his dad will suffer. The difference being at 18 he really will struggle on his own.

suzyscat · 26/02/2023 23:57

Just a note to say make sure the school considers your son for extenuating circumstances for exams/ coursework this year and good luck.

Wannago · 27/02/2023 00:02

Please OP - can you show DS all the messages on here making it clear that he is not a lazy failure, that he would absolutely be doing the right think to keep going at college, and that it is your DH who is being ridiculous and unreasonable? If it is just you saying one thing and DH saying another, I can understand he is confused and upset. Please let him at least see that that Mumsnet is supporting you and maybe it will help him feel better about himself and help him not make rash decisions based on the unreasonable behaviour of his dad.

justasking111 · 27/02/2023 00:04

I'm so sorry. If you've been married a long time and you have a child in full time education and a fifteen year old I think the law will be on your side accommodation wise. He can leave

YesitsBess · 27/02/2023 00:10

I had an ex tell me he expected children to be out by age 16 as that was what his family did.

My children and I live together now. And will do until they have enough security to move onto the property ladder.

This must be horrible for you, but you sound like you're doing the right thing. Hold fast for you lrself and your children.

Shauny098 · 27/02/2023 00:15

Clarke1979 · 26/02/2023 19:22

Ds turned 18 last week and his dad has been asking when he’s going to move out. This has come completely out of nowhere! We never spoke about it before his birthday at all! Husband made comments when he was a baby about kicking him out when he was 18 (he did the same with dd, 15, as well) but I never took him seriously. Ds is currently in college full time, learning to drive and working one day a week. He wants to work more now that he is 18 but before we agreed one shift a week so that he could focus on corse work. I’m telling my husband that he’s being completely unreasonable but we’ve been arguing all week. Husband says that he’s an adult now and needs to act like one. Contemplating moving out with my son at this point. Any advice?

Wtf have I just read! Your poor son! How will he provide for himself? You would be putting him at a complete disadvantage for the rest of his life as he would likely have to leave his studies. Do not ever do this with any of your children, it’s unforgivable!

LemonSwan · 27/02/2023 00:21

Omg! Awful! I hope you are ok OP. What a shock this must be. I absolutely would be divorcing and getting as much as I could as it’s clear he has no intention of supporting his kids. You sound like a brilliant mother. Good luck

Verbena17 · 27/02/2023 00:34

@Clarke1979 what’s most shocking aside from your crazy DH and his stupid idea, is that he actually told this to your DS - poor guy! He must be feeling really rubbish hearing that from his dad.

Your son sounds great and a real credit to you; working hard to achieve his career goals. Maybe it’s your DH who needs to leave!

ImustLearn2Cook · 27/02/2023 00:38

@Clarke1979 you are strong, not soft and good on you for advocating for your children.

I hope your son doesn’t leave school early to earn his dad’s approval. Have a gentle word with your son to explain that his dad is a bit stuck in the olden days and isn’t accepting that the world has changed a lot since then. That parents can be mistaken too or get things wrong and hopefully one day his dad will realise he was wrong. But he probably isn’t ready to listen to reason now.

What does your son want for his life path? What are his goals? Tell him that you will support him and that his life belongs to him and that he doesn’t have to follow in his father’s footsteps.

SleepingRedSnowBootsAndThePea · 27/02/2023 00:42

My parents did this to me when I turned 16. I was a straight A student with a part-time job, never been in trouble, just starting final GCSE year. It has had such a huge impact on my life. I am NC with them.

Your husband is an arsehole and doesn't deserve a family. So callous. Completely unacceptable behaviour. There's no way back from this, divorce is the only option. Well done for sticking by your son, OP.

SleepingRedSnowBootsAndThePea · 27/02/2023 00:45

Maybe it’s your DH who needs to leave!

No "maybe" about it: his behaviour is unforgivable.

OldFan · 27/02/2023 01:15

That's awful @Clarke1979 Sad DS' studies will one way or another have an influence on the course of his life so he needs to be supported to finish college at least. Your husband is risking sabotaging his son's life with his antics.

IMHO you need to get your son away with him ASAP as your husband is damaging your son's mental health. Leave and then spend as much time as you can bigging up your son. This is going on often by the sounds of it, with him talking to your son like this at times when you're not around and calling him a potential failure etc.

Whatever the motives/reasons for his behaviour, this is psychological abuse.

I'm all for people choosing to leave home fairly early, but not before the end of college/school, and they shouldn't be pushed or chucked out then unless there's some dire reason like violence or something, which isn't the case with your DS.

Coyoacan · 27/02/2023 01:48

On top of the other good advice you have been given, OP; I think you should try to get your son to see a counsellor, asap, even if it is just one visit, to counteract the effect of his father's words and treatment of him.

Dotcheck · 27/02/2023 02:02

I fully expected someone to post in agreement with your husband. Unless I missed it, no one has. Your husband has been such an unreasonable dick that he’s united Mumsnet.
Your poor kid

Butterfly44 · 27/02/2023 02:03

I'm so angry on your behalf op. You go to your sisters, take both the kids, and see a solicitor. Flowers

Carlycat · 27/02/2023 02:29

Your husband is a vile parent. Your poor son Confused

honeyrider · 27/02/2023 02:53

Your husband is vile and a poor excuse of a parent, thankfully your poor DS has you. Even if your husband changes his mind and apologises the damage is done.

DaisyCornflowerBlue · 27/02/2023 03:16

I'm sorry this is happening to you and your kids. Your son must feel like an inconvenience to his father. How awful. I'm glad you have somewhere temporary to go. My daughter is 16 and that "countdown" feeling to being slung out must be terrible. My daughter is welcome to live with us for as long as she wants, until she feels it's time to leave, whenever that might be.

I would leave asap, with the kids. No point in hanging on. He's not a good dad and you'll be happier without him.

Good luck OP. 🤗