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Original poster

Husband wants to kick ds out?

288 replies

Clarke1979 · 26/02/2023 19:22

Ds turned 18 last week and his dad has been asking when he’s going to move out. This has come completely out of nowhere! We never spoke about it before his birthday at all! Husband made comments when he was a baby about kicking him out when he was 18 (he did the same with dd, 15, as well) but I never took him seriously. Ds is currently in college full time, learning to drive and working one day a week. He wants to work more now that he is 18 but before we agreed one shift a week so that he could focus on corse work. I’m telling my husband that he’s being completely unreasonable but we’ve been arguing all week. Husband says that he’s an adult now and needs to act like one. Contemplating moving out with my son at this point. Any advice?

OP posts:
Lastnamedidntstick · 27/02/2023 03:21

Interesting to compare this to another thread about the o/p wanting to charge her 18 year old, doing his a’levels, part time job, rent.

a good many replies saying he’s an adult, he should pay his way or find his own place.

OldFan · 27/02/2023 04:30

@Lastnamedidntstick I suppose it would depend how much the person was earning whether they might pay a little bit of rent. But I think there's far worse going on here like the dad is implying to the DS that he's a failure if he doesn't move out and stuff like that.

pompomdaisy · 27/02/2023 04:48

Your DH is abusive. How have you suffered this for so long?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

18 years old Families General parenting
kateandme · 27/02/2023 06:36

you follow through op. you tell your son i believe your are so mazing and so NOT a failure that we are leaving my love.i believe in you.i believe in how fabulous you are that i will not stay near to someone who could make nyou feel different.look him in the eye and tell him does he understand. noone ever has the right to make him feel this way. one man is doing this.he is the one at fault,with fault. that is his dads problem never his.

this will seriously fuck him up for life. and soon he wont have an education or a job becasue his mental health will fucking break and he will just become another mess due to childhood abuse.
protect him. and fucking hell your dd too becasue i darent thikn what he will say to her soon.
get him out of all your lives.

jannier · 27/02/2023 07:24

Lastnamedidntstick · 27/02/2023 03:21

Interesting to compare this to another thread about the o/p wanting to charge her 18 year old, doing his a’levels, part time job, rent.

a good many replies saying he’s an adult, he should pay his way or find his own place.

I don't think people were saying kick him out but that earning £900 and keeping all of it while parents struggle was the debate. Not get out.

jannier · 27/02/2023 07:26

OldFan · 27/02/2023 04:30

@Lastnamedidntstick I suppose it would depend how much the person was earning whether they might pay a little bit of rent. But I think there's far worse going on here like the dad is implying to the DS that he's a failure if he doesn't move out and stuff like that.

£900 a month .....

ArcticSkewer · 27/02/2023 07:36

Lastnamedidntstick · 27/02/2023 03:21

Interesting to compare this to another thread about the o/p wanting to charge her 18 year old, doing his a’levels, part time job, rent.

a good many replies saying he’s an adult, he should pay his way or find his own place.

I haven't read that thread. I have never seen a good many people suggest an 18 year old in full time education should move out, so if a good many people suggested that it just shows there are more knobs that just the op's husband.

How many different posters suggested an 18 year old in full time school should be told to move out, out of interest?

piedbeauty · 27/02/2023 07:55

Wtf??? Totally with you and your son here. What on earth is your h thinking?

Kick your h out instead.

Thepurplelantern · 27/02/2023 09:02

Look @Clarke1979 clearly your husband is a self centred knob who is unable to care about other human beings even the ones who he has a direct moral responsibility towards.

I grew up with a father like that. It damages you in ways that you simply cannot imagine. I woke up to it in my thirties, you are waking up to it when your children are still young. My mother who has some of these tendencies herself stood by why my father did his version of what your husband is doing and my relationship with them both is non existent as it should be because these types of people are really only capable of having relationships with themselves. They impact negatively on everyone else around them.

Focus on doing what you know to be right and model to your son the esteem and value you place on him and tell him you believe his father is deeply wrong and hopefully you will be able to undo some of the damage. It is an awful situation.

Emotionalsupportviper · 27/02/2023 09:16

SpaceOpera · 26/02/2023 22:40

OP, talk to a solicitor first. Get advice before leaving the marital asset.

I left, came back, and my barrister at the financial hearing said she was so very thankful that I did.

THIS ⬆

You may not have your name on the deeds but you have a lot of rights to the house as a marital asset.

You could try posting on Legal for more especialist advice.

Your poor son - he must be terrified, as well as distressed, even if he doesn't;tshow it, Your DD, too will be wondering what's going to happen to her when she gets evicted as an 18th birthday present.

You'd husband is FOUL.

Emotionalsupportviper · 27/02/2023 09:23

LittleOwl153 · 26/02/2023 23:21

The solicitor will likely mention... but get onto the land registry site and register a martial interest in your home. That will stop him making any decisions on the property without your say so - for example he cannot increase the mortgage or take another loan to reduce the asset.

He's clearly a twat and you are doing the absolute right thing by getting the kids out. Don't let your son throw away his future like this. Get him to speak to pastoral at school/college they will help him see sense and complete the school year at least.

The solicitor will likely mention... but get onto the land registry site and register a martial interest in your home. That will stop him making any decisions on the property without your say so - for example he cannot increase the mortgage or take another loan to reduce the asset.

Good advice.

There was a recent thread (now deleted, I think) where the only thing which seemed to be standing between a woman and her apparently almost bankrupt husband running his business into the ground and cashing in their home (in his name) was the fact that she had a "marital interest" registered. He was bullying and browbeating her constantly to try to get it removed.

If you can register one unilaterally, do it.

Chickpea17 · 27/02/2023 09:30

Kick the husband out

Chimna · 27/02/2023 09:55

You need to explain to your DS that your husband is a failure who has no comprehension of the real world and that you would be mortified if he turned out like him. Explain to him your husbands opinion is vile and holds no weight with normal adults who think he is a complete and utter cunt.

Chimna · 27/02/2023 10:00

Does your husband understand how the world works now, how competative the rental market is? The only places your son would end up is with a friends parents who are happy to make up for your shitty parenting or in a hostel.

Lefteyetwitch · 27/02/2023 10:37

Chickpea17 · 27/02/2023 09:30

Kick the husband out

Of a house he legally owns?

That's the equine of me deciding to kick you out of your home.

CaveMum · 27/02/2023 10:41

What a twat your husband is.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he is feeling threatened by your son - young male finding his own voice and making something of himself.

In the same way a male lion will exile the adolescent males from his pride before they have a chance to challenge him, an insecure man/father will try to push out his sons before they feel confident enough to stand up to him.

Do everything you can to show your DS that he is loved and that his father couldn’t be more wrong - this could be a pivotal moment in your DS’s life and the wrong course of action could set him on a path of self-loathing and destruction.

Sharpbridge · 27/02/2023 11:28

Your DH is trying to bully your DS into giving up on his education. Your DH is a controlling narcissist who can’t stand the thought of DS being more highly educated and ‘better’ than him. I’m guessing that your DH’s father did the same thing to him.

The biggest problem is your DH thinks he has the right to dictate the rest of the family does. Marriage doesn’t work like that. Marriage is discussions and compromise between two equals. Your DH thinks he is the king and the rest of you are his subjects. That isn’t a marriage.

Accept that your marriage is over and focus on protecting your DS as much as possible from your horrible, horrible, soon-to-be-ex-husband.

Thesharkradar · 27/02/2023 11:34

Your DH is a controlling narcissist who can’t stand the thought of DS being more highly educated and ‘better’ than him
I agree, what he's doing here is making sure that his son is 'hobbled' and therefore has no chance of usurping him, he is manoeuvring in order to preserve his position as king of his domain.

Thesharkradar · 27/02/2023 11:39

The heartbreaking thing is that the son seems to agree with his father, I think this is because boys are strongly inclined to bond with and look up to older men/men in positions of power/father figures.
This sense of unbreakable loyalty tends to be trained into them by default, he probably isn't really conscious of it but the danger is that he will end up sabotaging himself in order to appease his father.... At least that's the way it appears to me.

OldFan · 27/02/2023 12:12

@jannier I think people should put in some rent on 900 a month for sure. My uncle had take home pay of about 950 and that was the most he earned and he lived independently that way until he had to retire last year in his early 60s on health grounds. But that's by the by when it comes to this thread.

sealon82 · 27/02/2023 14:25

My Mum did this with me.
Your husband is an emotionally abusive prick.
Change the locks while he's out and speak with a lawyer. Make sure your son knows this isn't his fault.
I'd be fucking furious!

Thesharkradar · 27/02/2023 16:41

Change the locks while he's out
the house belongs to the husband, I'm not defending his behaviour but at the same time she is not in a position to lock him out of his own home!

MrsKeats · 27/02/2023 16:55

Will people stop saying the house belongs to the husband.
It's a marital asset.

SomePeopleAreJustBloodyStupid · 27/02/2023 16:57

Your husband is a twat. Turf him out.

My sons were 25 and 28 when they left. Both have returned at different times. I'd never (nor would my husband) say they couldn't be here, no matter what, but 18? Your son is still a kid.

Lefteyetwitch · 27/02/2023 18:35

MrsKeats · 27/02/2023 16:55

Will people stop saying the house belongs to the husband.
It's a marital asset.

People are saying it in response eto the ridiculous and illegal advice to throw him out.

OP is not able to do that.. as its his house.