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Original poster

Wedding invitation 1 month after due date but no newborns allowed

186 replies

JavanDawns · 26/02/2023 13:46

I'm a first time mum and would appreciate some ideas as my DH and I are in a quandary about options for a wedding 1 month after our due date.

We are really close to the couple and have known one of them for 15 years and were housemates at uni. We were even at their engagement and helped with planning when they popped the question, so we really care about them and want to celebrate their special day with them if possible.

We knew it would be a challenge with a newborn and we might not be able to attend the full day so were willing to adapt, but they've just told us this week (after sending the invite) that their no kids rule for the day also includes babies and toddlers too... Obviously the baby could be early but either way it'll be between 2-6 weeks old at the time of the wedding. They know this and we've spoken to them but they want to stay consistent so don't want to have one rule for us and one for others. We are planning to combined feed, so baby would (hopefully) be happy on a bottle for 1 or 2 feeds that day. Obviously we won't know until baby arrives and will need to adapt, but we have to RSVP now so it's all a bit unknown at the moment.

Basically, my question is would you feel comfortable leaving a newborn with trusted MIL for between 1-3 hours to be able to attend even the ceremony part? TIA for your ideas!

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AP5Diva · 25/04/2023 22:27

I’d accept. You have a MIL to have the baby during the ceremony, and then you and DH can take turns going to the reception. Even if it’s travel to get there, you just leave baby plus MIL, you or DH at the hotel.

If baby were unwell on the day of , or you got too tired due to birth injury/fatigue, then I’d no show with apologies or bow out early; but I’d still accept.

drpet49 · 25/04/2023 22:32

2chocolateoranges · 26/02/2023 13:50

No I’d decline, the thought of finding an outfit , leaving my possibly 2 week old baby just to go to a ceremony wouldn’t appeal to me. With our youngest I was struggling to walk at 2 weeks after due to stitches etc.

This. Absolute madness to even consider going.

drpet49 · 25/04/2023 22:33

Ponderingwindow · 26/02/2023 15:52

just decline

you don’t need to feel guilty about this in any way. Anyone with any sense knows that asking you to separate from a baby that young is not reasonable. The bride and groom don’t actually care if you attend the wedding. If they did care they would not have set up a situation that created this dilemma.

Also this.

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MermaidMummy06 · 25/04/2023 22:35

I'd decline. I no longer turn myself inside out, adding stress and exhaustion, because someone who supposedly wants me at their event won't even make a tiny accomodation, upon request, to make my attendance possible.

I'd explain why, in detail, but in a nice manner so they understand what they're asking. If no options are forthcoming wish them a lovely day & you'll catch up later. They won't understand until they're in this position themselves.

My DH would never have gone either, because this rubbish why the man goes and woman stays home, struggling with the baby, to 'be seen' to keep everyone else happy, is exclusion by choice.

Greybutterfly · 25/04/2023 22:37

Just say no !!! There are too many variants. You might have an unwell baby, recovering from c section, baby won’t take the bottle. Even if everything is ok you will 100% not have the energy to attend.

More importantly these people do not care about you or your baby as they would happily accommodate a tiny baby if you really mattered to them. Honestly these are not good friends if they do not want to make any allowances for your tiny baby. This is just the start just you wait you will not be referring to them as good friends in a few years time.

Having a baby changes friendships and you see who really are there is support you and you lose others. You have just got this insight a little earlier

Honeyroar · 25/04/2023 22:40

I really wouldn’t put yourself out. They’re being really thoughtless and inflexible towards you and your predicament.

AP5Diva · 25/04/2023 22:49

I’d be more stressed and exhausted taking a newborn to a wedding with me than leaving them nearby with a MIL or their dad. I probably couldn’t go the whole day if it’s only a few weeks after the birth, but a few hours I would be able to do and be happy to be on a baby free break.

CrotchetyQuaver · 26/04/2023 01:51

Decline it. There are too many variables as it is let alone the no baby rule. I did a wedding at 6 weeks, (baby came too) I can't imagine attempting it any earlier. We'd discussed it with them beforehand as well as the possibility we might not be able to come at all and they were happy with that. I still struggled with something to wear had put on a lot of weight whilst pregnant
Obviously everyone's different but I'd be surprised if you felt able to leave the baby behind when the day comes. A new mothers hormones are very powerful.

Ilovetea42 · 26/04/2023 02:11

I'd decline but ask if you could attend in the evening for an hour or two if you're feeling up to it (if that suits you and them). That way you aren't committed, they don't need to count you for food and you can call it depending on how you feel on the day. I wouldn't have been up to it that soon after having my baby and my birth went really smoothly but I just emotionally didn't want to leave them so we declined any events around then. With leaky boobs and hormones and lack of sleep etc I think it would have been massive pressure. But that was me and you might feel great and be happy to get out for a few hours.

snitzelvoncrumb · 26/04/2023 02:16

I would decline the reception, and say you might go to the ceremony. I would just bring the baby, and sit right at the back unless it’s close and someone can watch the baby for an hour.

Nancy155 · 26/04/2023 04:21

Physically and mentally I would have been absolutely fine to attend.
I wouldn’t be overly happy leaving my tiny baby though. If it was for a really good friend I’d do it for a couple of hours though, as long as it wasn’t too far away so I could get back quickly if needed.

Turfwars · 26/04/2023 14:27

Basically, my question is would you feel comfortable leaving a newborn with trusted MIL for between 1-3 hours to be able to attend even the ceremony part? TIA for your ideas!

My sister was a bridesmaid for her best friend when her baby was a newborn. DM was upstairs and sister popped up for feeding the baby and had an early enough night.

We got an invite from DH's best friend - marrying his wife in Eastern Europe when DS was a month old. I said that DH could go if he wanted but he opted to decline the invite with no hard feelings on either side.

Babyboomtastic · 26/04/2023 14:28

I've got mixed feelings

I would have accepted, gone, and been perfectly fine to do so physically and emotionally after both of my babies (by section). I'd already been on full day trips to the zoo etc by 2w, so wouldn't have been an issue physically.

I didn't get baby blues, recovered from surgery very quickly and would have enjoyed going.

I went out to a party at about 2-3w PP with my first (FF baby). I got to catch up with friends, my baby had a cozy evening in with her dad, all was well.

I might not have gone for a full day at 2w, just because I wouldn't have wanted to be apart for that long, so I'd probably have gone to ceremony and meal, or ceremony, back home for a bit, and come back in the evening.

BUT, I'd also wonder why I was expected to leave my newborn, and I'm not sure I'd want to put myself out for them.

AnotherCountryMummy · 26/04/2023 14:49

So stressful, I'd decline. If they are that close to you then they'll understand or make an exception.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/04/2023 14:52

I'd tell DH you're happy for him to go, and maybe get MIL to come and spend some time with you to help out instead.

You may have stitches in. You might be 2 weeks pp. You might have slept for days bar odd hours. You might cry every time DH holds the baby let alone MIL. You just can't know

dogblues · 26/04/2023 15:01

No. Just tell them you can’t go. They’ll understand when they have their own kids

Napmum · 26/04/2023 15:01

Personally, it feels discriminatory to ban abuse in arms. I can understand not wanting children there (I had a no kids policy at my wedding). But many women wouldn't feel able to leave such a young baby at that time. Others have pointed out that you might still be healing from tears or a C-section. I know it is hard for you not to be there, and they'll be disappointed, but I would say you can't promise to show up, so decline.

deliwoman1 · 26/04/2023 15:31

In answer to your question, yes I'd let MIL look after the baby for a very short amount of time, but not in your circumstances, which at the moment are largely unknown. If you're well enough, and baby is exclusively FF, I don't see why not in theory, but you've said you want to combi feed, and if I remember rightly I think it's not recommended to introduce a bottle for combination feeding until after about 6 weeks, when your supply has had chance to establish itself. If you don't have issues that mean you have to, that is. Before then things can get a bit zany with leaking and mastitis etc., so if you can avoid it, the recommendation is to do just boob for the first couple of months or whatever before you move gradually to combi. I'm sure there are pp who have mentioned this, and there's loads of info out there about when to introduce a bottle etc.

Like others I think there are probably too many variables for you to accept so soon after your due date. Send DH as a rep if you must, but I'm with others who also think you shouldn't go out of your way on this one. Having a baby is MASSIVE! Way more of a big deal than getting hitched. 😜For loads of people it's a complete life-changing head fuck, so you might find you need to be selfish for while to give yourselves the space to process it all.

Good luck with everything!

Roundandnour · 26/04/2023 15:43

I would say no.
I was exhausted due to long labour, lack of sleep towards the end of pregnancy and disturbed sleep. When baby was sleeping so was I.

As a parent there will be lots of times you will be turning down various events. Not just because people want child free things, but also because they get ill.

BeeDavis · 27/04/2023 20:08

Me and my husband went out for a anniversary meal when our little boy was 3 weeks old. My mum and dad babysat for about 3 hours. Only you will know if you’re up to it or not.

Snugglemonkey · 27/04/2023 20:59

Not for anyone! No way. I would not have wanted to leave my baby. I have not been away from my baby at all (5 months.). I do not want to. I did not leave my first with anyone until he was 3. I just did not want to.

I am no trying to be judgy at all. I just think it is hard for you to know what you will want. Before my first I thought I would be out and about doing things, but actually, I just did not want to at all. I am normally sociable, but really surprised my friends. With both babies, I wanted to hibernate post partum. With both I also bled a lot and for a long time. I think it tired me.

I declined an invitation to an August wedding. I was on the fence, as I wondered if I might feel differently this time. But no. I am happy to just chill with my baby and hate even lunch invitations. I am so pleased I did not give into pressure for that as it is the same and I appear to just be someone who burrows in.

You do not know what you will be like is the thing.

coretext · 27/04/2023 22:37

@Snugglemonkey interesting to hear your thoughts and I appreciate how you felt. I just wanted to ask if you didn't leave your first until they were three, how did you manage to work?

Snugglemonkey · 27/04/2023 22:38

coretext · 27/04/2023 22:37

@Snugglemonkey interesting to hear your thoughts and I appreciate how you felt. I just wanted to ask if you didn't leave your first until they were three, how did you manage to work?

I didn't.

coretext · 27/04/2023 22:40

@Snugglemonkey most people don't have that luxury.
Nice that you could do that and glad it worked out.

WandaWonder · 27/04/2023 22:42

Yes and we did, well for us it was a short city break

If you want to go then go if not don't but having a baby does not need to stop all life other than the baby though

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