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Original poster

Wedding invitation 1 month after due date but no newborns allowed

186 replies

JavanDawns · 26/02/2023 13:46

I'm a first time mum and would appreciate some ideas as my DH and I are in a quandary about options for a wedding 1 month after our due date.

We are really close to the couple and have known one of them for 15 years and were housemates at uni. We were even at their engagement and helped with planning when they popped the question, so we really care about them and want to celebrate their special day with them if possible.

We knew it would be a challenge with a newborn and we might not be able to attend the full day so were willing to adapt, but they've just told us this week (after sending the invite) that their no kids rule for the day also includes babies and toddlers too... Obviously the baby could be early but either way it'll be between 2-6 weeks old at the time of the wedding. They know this and we've spoken to them but they want to stay consistent so don't want to have one rule for us and one for others. We are planning to combined feed, so baby would (hopefully) be happy on a bottle for 1 or 2 feeds that day. Obviously we won't know until baby arrives and will need to adapt, but we have to RSVP now so it's all a bit unknown at the moment.

Basically, my question is would you feel comfortable leaving a newborn with trusted MIL for between 1-3 hours to be able to attend even the ceremony part? TIA for your ideas!

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JLQ1020 · 26/02/2023 15:51

This happened to me, my husband was best man and the baby was 6 weeks old. I had a section and we decided while still pregnant I wouldn't go. I stayed with my in laws who helped me look after the baby and I'm so glad I didn't go I would have felt rotten and hated being away from my baby.

Ponderingwindow · 26/02/2023 15:52

just decline

you don’t need to feel guilty about this in any way. Anyone with any sense knows that asking you to separate from a baby that young is not reasonable. The bride and groom don’t actually care if you attend the wedding. If they did care they would not have set up a situation that created this dilemma.

Scottishgirl85 · 26/02/2023 15:53

The problem is you don't know. Therefore you have to decline. You have no idea how feeding will work out, what kind of birth you'll have, if the baby will be well etc. Your friends can't possibly expect you to know these things. Numbers are more important for the meal vs ceremony. So decline and say you'll show your face at the ceremony if you can. Or your husband could go alone?

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Bigmummaof2 · 26/02/2023 15:55

I agree if it’s local go to ceremony and then that’s it.

wishuponastar1988 · 26/02/2023 15:56

Looking back to when my baby was 2 weeks old there was no way I could've left her. I was feeling too anxious and overwhelmed. Possibly at 6 weeks with my mum for an hour or so though.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 26/02/2023 15:57

If you just want to be at the ceremony to see your good friends get married - is it local? Because travelling that soon after birth isn't fun. And is your MiL also local - because then they could take baby for a walk in the pram from the church and you wouldn't be apart long - an hour, tops? Although, is it a UK church wedding? Because if so, its not private - the bride and groom can't specify who attends church. You can take your baby, sit at the back, have dh ready to take baby out if they make a noise.

I went to SiL's wedding when dd was 5 weeks old. The traveling was awful, staying overnight in a hotel with my non-sleeping child was hell, the reception I can hardly remember, I was so exhausted. But the church bit was lovely, sat feeding dd all the way through (had to ignore the vicar who suggested I might like to feed her in the toilets though).

toastedscone · 26/02/2023 15:59

There's no way I would have left my baby at that age. I personally think it's very strange of them. Usually a no kid rule doesn't include babies in arms.

Peachy2005 · 26/02/2023 16:00

Just decline. You need to be home with your feet up. If it’s at a church/venue round the corner from you and you really want to see the ceremony, just go to the church and then leave discreetly. Or some churches livestream now, since Covid.

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 26/02/2023 16:03

We can’t answer that. It all depends on how you feel at the time. My first born had a night away from me at 4 weeks old and we were ok.

Hiddendoor · 26/02/2023 16:04

I went to a family wedding, 2hrs from home, at 3wks Post birth. Took baby with me but it was still shit. I was still bleeding, still not 100% breastfeeding and just tired and not sure what I was doing. DH got all the congratulations while I spent time on my own with baby trying to feed her

Also still looked fairly pregnant. Wasn't glowing. Just exhausted. My mum kept taking the baby off me to show her off and I really would have preferred not to have been there.

In your shoes @JavanDawns I would decline. Your DH could still go, but it's too much pressure on you and the baby. It could be a screamer! It could be quiet. Who knows. You may also feel some pressure to be a mythical new mum who can scale mount everest or run a 10k or spend all day out at a wedding and appear fine even if you're not.

Viviennemary · 26/02/2023 16:05

Don't bother going. Not worth the effort. I can see why people dlnt want hordes of screamimg badly behaved kids and toddlers charging round but babies shoild be allowed.

Olivia199 · 26/02/2023 16:06

I think it's really difficult to know. I had a C-Section in the end and wouldn't have dreamed I'd be up for it... however, as it turned out, by two weeks in I would physically have been absolutely fine to do it. I was driving and feeling fairly okay (though obviously exhausted!).
Emotionally though - honestly? I probably wouldn't have felt okay leaving her. Not because the person wasn't trusted or anything like that. I just felt like I wanted to soak in every second. Everyone is so different though. Could you RSVP yes to the ceremony but with the caveat that you may not feel up to it. Whether that be physically or emotionally?
I'd also be concerned about the breastfeeding side of things as the first 6 weeks are when things are adjusting and you're both learning how it all works. Although you plan to combine feed, it may be that it's not working quite so easily and you're wanting to spend time breastfeeding.

Whatever you decide I wish you luck and a lovely birth!!

CrotchetyQuaver · 26/02/2023 16:09

No I wouldn't leave a very fresh newborn behind.

I'd just decline the invitation now as there's every chance you'll still be pregnant and will find it all too much, from the base of finding an outfit that fits and you feel ok in and everything else upwards of that.

My idea of what would be reasonable in this situation (if it wasn't right bang on top of your due date) would be to take the baby, sit at the back during the ceremony near the door and at at the first squeak get up and take the baby out. However with a first baby potentially only a few days old, at best you'll be feeling sore and bleeding plus adjusting to feeding/caring for it and quite possibly hormones making you extra emotional and sensitive. I'd just regretfully decline now and accept it is logistically going to be too complicated.

justlonelystars · 26/02/2023 16:10

We had similar with a wedding when our DS was 6 weeks old. I declined as didn’t want to be away from him for that amount of time at such a tiny age. It’s personal of course. Before he arrived I thought I might hve been able to but once he was here and I had all those hormones flooding me, not a chance! It’s pretty poor form not to invite newborns to be honest!

MimiSunshine · 26/02/2023 16:10

I went to a wedding when my eldest was 3 weeks old. Had a lovely time, wore a dress that I felt great in and stayed all day until the disco kicked in as it was too loud.

however I had te baby with me. At 2-6 weeks old I’d have been feeling very stressed and clock watching until we could leave at being away from the baby.

Baby would have been stressed and anxious if I hadn’t been close by too.

the couple are idiots if they think not allowing a newborn us being fair and equal to all guests. Those that are parents would totally understand why your baby was there and their toddler wasn’t.

also if you do want to establish a good breastfeeding routine as well as bottle feeding, give your milk supply chance to come in first. And I’d suggest (former peer supporter) not offering formula until 6 weeks at the earliest.
your supply may not come in until day 5 so do t be alarmed at the cluster feeding boob monster in the early weeks.

mathanxiety · 26/02/2023 16:23

Agree with @FranklyBoyle

You care more about the friends than they care about you, OP.

Babyenroute · 26/02/2023 16:24

You aren't going to know how you fully feel until baby arrives but from my experience, it would have been possible to leave baby for 1-3 hours with mil if it took a bottle. Whether you want to or not is a totally separate question. If it were a best friend I would probably be optimistic about it and plan for MIL and baby to be nearby (is the venue local/ have hotel rooms?)
Personally I left baby (but with DH) several times for up to four hours in the first week as had a medical issue and was in and out of triage. I am pretty sure it would have been just as possible with a loving cuddling grandma given it was taking a bottle but every case is different! I would only have gone if it were a best friend and I would regret not being there for their special day.

cadburyluver · 26/02/2023 16:25

I wouldn't have gone no
My recovery took a long time so for me it wouldn't have been possible

Cocobutt · 26/02/2023 16:25

If this is something you really want to do then I would reply that DH will definitely be there and you are hoping to be there but can’t say for certain.

I would then try and get MIL to stay as close to the venue as possible and so you can go and feed if you need to.

If you’re only planning to go for a couple of hours then chances are your baby will be asleep anyway.

I think you will still be exhausted though and it may be this that makes you not want to go in the end.

I really struggled when mine was a baby as I was trapped in the house all day, every day.
I think it’s good to go out to things like this to remind yourself you are still a person and just have a break for an hour or two.

I wouldn’t judge you for going and I wouldn’t judge you for not going, hopefully neither will anyone else.

Isthisreasonable · 26/02/2023 16:31

Your friends are very dense if they have no ability to comprehend that it's impossible to know at this stage when the baby might be born and that it might not be as easy as just dropping off the baby to attend the wedding.

If they aren't dense, then it's clearly not a big issue to them if you're not there.

If they get stroppy it's a hard no to the invitation.

PurBal · 26/02/2023 16:36

The polite thing would be to decline.
You could see how things go and decline the day before depending on how your baby is. But that’s not a great move. Though I’d be tempted as it’s ridiculous to include newborns in the no kids rule.
I took DS to a wedding a 5 hour drive away at 4 weeks. But I wasn’t separated from him…

Itgoesalittlesomethinglikethis · 26/02/2023 16:36

mathanxiety · 26/02/2023 16:23

Agree with @FranklyBoyle

You care more about the friends than they care about you, OP.

This is what I thought too. I'd definitely politely decline.

Revengeofthepangolins · 26/02/2023 16:40

Your first baby? Tbf , I had a section, but I think the majority of my friends would roll about laughing at the thought of going to great lengths to go to a wedding two weeks after giving birth. With or without the baby. You will be knackered.

And I suspect your friends know exactly what babies are like - that's why they don't want any of them at their wedding

Original poster

JavanDawns · 26/02/2023 16:45

Thank you all so much for your advice on the feeding, logistical and emotional aspects of it all. There's so many things to consider!

I think we'll RSVP that hubby will attend the ceremony and lunch and I will join the ceremony part of the day for an hour or two only if I'm feeling well enough and it works for me and the baby. That way I can take a view on the day and it won't disrupt their plans. DH is torn, but he's a very close friend, so don't want him to miss out.

I'm very lucky that MIL has kindly offered to help me either way even if I stay home completely or attend just the ceremony part.

Thanks again for the wise words!

( @CrotchetyQuaver I'm due 4 weeks before the wedding so definitely won't still be pregnant as they'd need to induce me if I go too far over. We suggested what you recommended about having baby at the back of the ceremony discreetly, but it was a hard no from them unfortunately, so having to consider if any other options might work)

OP posts:

Gh12345 · 26/02/2023 16:46

I went to a wedding 3 weeks after my son was born, stayed overnight with my mum. Was absolutely fine and I probably wouldn’t want a newborn at a wedding

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