Wedding invitation 1 month after due date but no newborns allowed

[JavanDawns]

I'm a first time mum and would appreciate some ideas as my DH and I are in a quandary about options for a wedding 1 month after our due date.

We are really close to the couple and have known one of them for 15 years and were housemates at uni. We were even at their engagement and helped with planning when they popped the question, so we really care about them and want to celebrate their special day with them if possible.

We knew it would be a challenge with a newborn and we might not be able to attend the full day so were willing to adapt, but they've just told us this week (after sending the invite) that their no kids rule for the day also includes babies and toddlers too... Obviously the baby could be early but either way it'll be between 2-6 weeks old at the time of the wedding. They know this and we've spoken to them but they want to stay consistent so don't want to have one rule for us and one for others. We are planning to combined feed, so baby would (hopefully) be happy on a bottle for 1 or 2 feeds that day. Obviously we won't know until baby arrives and will need to adapt, but we have to RSVP now so it's all a bit unknown at the moment.

Basically, my question is would you feel comfortable leaving a newborn with trusted MIL for between 1-3 hours to be able to attend even the ceremony part? TIA for your ideas!

No way. I could not be away from my new baby for a wedding. My boobs would have turned into uncomfortable leaky rocks with no baby to feed. I wouldn't want to introduce a bottle that soon if I wanted to continue breastfeeding. If my toddler wasn't invited but I saw a baby there I would totally understand it is easy to leave a toddler and they are more disruptive than non mobile babies. The couple are being unreasonable and making it very difficult for you to attend. I just wouldn't go.

Went to my best friend's wedding when eldest was 5 weeks old after an EMCS. Had a fuckin great time.

I’d politely decline. But I’d decline either in person or send a nice message. I’m sure they’ll understand and maybe you could take some time either a little before or a few weeks after the wedding to have a nice dinner or something with them and pass On your gifts

it’s not about whether or not you can safely leave your baby with a trusted mother in law. Of course you can leave your baby with a trusted individual for a couple of hours.

it’s about all the unknown entities. Giving birth isn’t set in stone by defined parameters. Every Labour is different, every baby and every mother is different

Your baby could be early, you could be fine , your baby could be late…. You could need a c section, giving birth is NOT pretty and the aftermath can be… messy… anything can happen.

i just feel the only thing you should be planning for is the arrival of your precious baby and adapting & settling into your new lives. I’m sure your friend will understand and it will give her a chance to invite someone else too as opposed to a last minute cancellation xx

There is no way I would base my feeding choices on a child-free wedding invite.

Personally OP, I would establish breastfeeding v securely before starting combination or introducing a bottle.

My sister attended my wedding with my 11 day old niece. She looked beautiful and made a huge effort and I was none the wiser on the day about any issues she had. She told me after that she spent most of the day in tears at just how knackered/uncomfortable/stressful it was after I said that 11 days after the birth of both my dc I could never have gone to a wedding. Whatever the outcome, put yourself and the baby first, if they are that good friends, they will understand.

They really don’t care if you’re there or nor if they said no to the suggestion of baby discreetly being with you at the very back of the church just for the ceremony. The baby could be taken outside in an instant so I wouldn’t even bother attending after them saying no to that.

This!!!!

I was the least fussy new mum on the planet but no WAY would I do this!
Most (sensible) people have a "babes in arms" exclusion for the 'no kids' rule. Clearly these two didn't get the memo.
Don't go.

@DamnThatHitsHome
I'm sure most sane and sensible people would be able to understand why a 2-4 week old baby is a different thing to a stonking great big 2 year old toddler.

No I'd decline. You won't want that pressure when the time comes. I had a child-free wedding but two things:

1. Babes in arms are different
2. You flex if absolutely necessary for the most important guests

If this couple won't flex for your babe in arms it's a no.

Something similar happened with me years ago when a friend married. Although my DM offered to have the baby for a few hours I knew it would be stressful.

Instead of going to the ceremony and the reception I asked if I could just go to the ceremony. It was just 45 minutes, and my mum walked around nearby with the pram. It was the best solution as I got to see the most emotional and important part of the day and was able to congratulate my friend but didn't have to wear a party dress and leave the baby for hours and put up with not being able to drink or dance.

Babes in arms are usually exempt. A 2 week old is very different from a 2yo.

@JavanDawns I would decline

You’re not going your partner still goes and your partner stays in while you and bride have a day catching up whenever is convenient after

Absolutely no way. I didn’t want to leave my 8month old with family for a wedding let alone a 2-6week old

My best friend was due one month before my wedding and she lived a 4-hour flight away. We had children at the wedding so her baby was invited. I called her and said, "I love you and don't expect you at the wedding. It's too much. We'll get together sometime in the future." She was convinced she could do it but the week before the wedding she called me crying that it was all too hard. She was still bleeding postpartum, he breast fed almost every hour and she was utterly exhausted. I completely understood.

I had a child already and knew the newborn drill. I expected this outcome and was not hurt in the least. It's near impossible to attend a wedding and be away from your newborn at that age. Your friend doesn't have kids and just doesn't get it yet. Send your regrets and a gift and wait until she has a baby. She will totally understand then.

OP, I had a childfree wedding. One of my friends had just had a baby a month before. I obviously still invited her and when she inevitably declined and said she couldn't leave her baby. I replied - I completely understand and the conversation moved quickly to her pregnancy and my general wedding plans.

On the day - she sent a card and 'liked' the fb pics with a few comments - looks like a fab day/you look gorgeous and some funny comments re / mutual friends.

And we all remained best mates and life went on.

This is only a drama if the couple-to-be make it one.

Absolutely you should decline. You just don't know how you're going to feel. And if by chance you feel fine, don't mind leaving the baby etc - then you can always text her a few days ahead and say you can go to the ceremony (if there's enough room) to see her dress/hear the vows and then head off. She'll be delighted. There's generally no head count on the ceremony so can't see it being an issue. It's more around the drinks, food and tables for meals it's an issue.

It's just impossible to say, there are some people who will feel totally fine doing things like this.

I, however, was still a total wreck by this stage, and my delivery was basically textbook with no complications. But horrendous breastfeeding problems and sleep issues left me incredibly deprived, stressed, and probably suffering from some level of PND in hindsight. There would have been a 0% chance of me attending a wedding, I'm afraid!

Everyone is different, though.

Not a chance, I was a hormonal mess at 2 weeks post baby, no way I would have made it to a wedding, by 4 weeks i probably could’ve made it there but absolutely wouldn’t have felt comfortable leaving my newborn even for a few hours.

Having said that my friend came to my wedding at about 4 weeks post-baby and was happy to come. I had invited the baby but she chose to have her parents come to the hotel with them and got them a room too to look after baby whilst they were at the ceremony and reception, etc and she just bobbed in and out throughout the day to check on them. Her parents brought the baby to the start of the evening reception for an hour or so before the disco started so they weren’t stuck in the hotel room all day and night. (They weren’t local to the wedding venue so would’ve needed to stay at the hotel anyway). Would there be an option for your MIL to come to the venue and look after baby there so you would be nearby?

Nope, you have no way of knowing what the situation will be so you will have to decline as they need to know numbers. I had a fairly easy birth so no c section, stitches etc and we are combi feeding but DS was unexpectedly late and there is no way I could have left him at that stage.

I know lots of people manage to leave them when they are tiny but it almost feels like a physical pain to be away, I described it like being separated from your daemon in the Northern Lights.

Even if your baby takes to the bottle (my older two didn't), your milk production will be all over the place at that point so you'll have to pump while you're there.

I just can't imagine it being a pleasant experience for any of you, do something lovely with them another time.

Why are you going so far out of your way to attend the wedding of two people who clearly don't give a fuck whether you're there or not (clearly, or they'd be more accommodating to you having a tiny baby)?

Even if the baby WAS invited along, I'd still decline. And I'm pretty resilient and was a bridesmaid once when my son was 8 weeks old, so most things didn't phase me. However at two/three weeks post partum I still couldn't sit down on both bum cheeks.

I agree with this! I am gobsmacked that such good friends are acting like this tbh. They don’t care whether you are there or not, do they.

anyway I attended SIL wedding with DC1 age 3 weeks, which was fine physically. Personally emotionally I would not have been able to leave her but she was breastfeeding so didn’t come up.

Bleeding, leaking milk, struggling to walk, a new shape/size (not pregnant but definitely not pre pregnancy dressed up clothes), sleep deprived, besotted with my new baby and worried about them. NO WAY could I have gone after either of my two. I could barely make it out to health visitor appointments!

But I'm sure some others might have felt differently!

I just wouldn't go tbh. You'll have a newborn and they say no newborns. Aka don't go.

OP, there is nothing I wanted more than to be with my tiny little infant at 6weeks postpartum. Nothing!

you are feeling fomo now, but as soon as you have your baby that will fade. Also, others have mentioned getting dressed for such an event. … chances are you’ll want to be in nothing more than adult diapers and your most comfiest pjs!