Is my husband right? Have we totally failed our son?

[givingupmum]

My son is 3 years and 5 months old, he is a difficult child. He has a lot of tantrums, he's very strong willed and kicks off easily and unfortunately one issue we have had with him is that he can be violent towards us. He went through biting stage, hitting stage etc and a very long phase of deliberately using his nails to scratch us which was horrible. He did it a lot. We got through all of these stages but he has moments where he will do them, mainly when he has a tantrum and totally loses control. We've been working on it, we had a baby recently which has caused some regression in his behaviour. We've had a few incidents lately of him being violent to us and he is quite volatile at the moment, we're constantly waiting for the next freak out.

As an aside he really can be a lovely boy. He does just have too many moments. I'm not blind to his flaws, I'm the main at home parent so I deal with the worst of it. Tonight my husband was putting him to bed and out of nowhere my son just started climbing all over him, when my husband said no he started trying to bite him and scratching him. My husband walked out and came downstairs and said that boy is vile, this behaviour is not normal, we've totally failed with him. He's a nasty piece of work.

I've totally had my moments where I've felt like this. It does make me so sad because I see other toddlers and kids his age and none of them seem to be like this, I don't have friends tell me how frequently their kids hurt them, it feels like it's just mine. But then I also see the progress, I see how much quicker he calms down, how he says sorry and that he loves us. I don't know if I'm being too soft. Is this totally abnormal? Is it time to consult a GP?

I don't want another toddler that hurts me. I don't want my baby to grow up seeing his brother do this and think it's ok. I feel really sad tonight.

I have this with my 2 almost 3 year old. He pretends to be a dinosaur(I know it sounds funny) but it is a serious problem. He loved watching walking with dinosaurs and reading books but we have had to stop as he literally just copies them when he’s upset! it has helped a lot actually.

How do you play with him? Has your husband ever played fought with him when he was little?

My DS behaved like that at that age. He’s absolutely fine now he’s older. Neither me nor my DH ever ever spoke about him the way your DH has just spoken about your DS. Totally unacceptable to talk about a very young child that way. Is he a generally aggressive person?

Nooo your husband isn’t right. but before everyone jumps on him, I’ll say here that I once burst into tears and said that DS was just nasty. He is actually lovely but he did go through a phase of hitting us when frustrated, and it really used to upset me.

He doesn’t do it now he can speak more. How’s your sons speech? in any case things can become a habit. You 100% haven’t failed him, but go easy on your DH, it’s so upsetting when your child goes for you

I get that your husband was upset but you both need a big perspective shift. No three-year-old is a nasty piece of work. Horrible thing to say.

It sounds like an attention seeking thing. He get an emotional reaction from you when he acts in a certain way. Have you had him tested for autism? Doesn’t sound like ADHD. But he’s only three. Do you have any pets? How is he with them?

He can be really mean to our dog

One of my nephews was like that at the same age, hitting constantly, biting, scratching. My sister was seriously concerned at one point because he was looking for the other person's reaction and she was worried he was enjoying their upset

He's 9 now and an absolute delight, very sensitive and caring and hasn't bitten or scratched or hit in ages

I think looking back it was when his communication skills were not keeping up with what he wanted to say and he had so much frustration around that it was coming out the wrong way

I think you need to do a lot of research and read some books about problem behaviours and how to beat deal with them. Not every method will work with your child, but you need to start somewhere.

Him being violent with your dog is a massive concern, for both the dog and your son. This could be a recipe for disaster and needs to be sorted, one way or another, immediately. Your poor dog can't live like this.

I had the same. He is growing out of it now he’s 7. You’re in for a long road sadly but it’s vitally important you tag team when it comes to one of you getting to the end of your rope. You need to wii on em as a team and ask for extra help where you can.

We rehomed the cat by the way as we couldn’t keep them safe.

THIS is your priority, and any interaction with the baby.

I have 3 Yr 2 month old twins, they absolutely go through phases of hitting, bitting etc, another two kids who like being bitey dinosaurs. But if I "cry" they stop and kiss it better.

What happens when he lashes out at you?

What sort of dog? If he retaliated one of them is going to end up put down or dead, so this has to be absolutely stopped or you need to rehouse the dog. It isn't fair on him. What's the consequence when he hurts the dog?

My youngest, who is 5 in a few days, was like this.

Called into nursery to chat about his behavior, hitting, biting, screaming for HOURS.
We did some work on feelings and calming down and he grew a bit more and now he is mostly lovely.
Sometimes he's good awful, he has big feelings. And he's so small.

You haven't failed your son, your husband sounds like he's on the edge.

A good idea might be asking to be referred to the neuro developmental team to see if he has any Sen.
And maybe health visitor?

This behaviour is hard to manage, but he's not a nasty piece of work, and you haven't failed.

rehome the dog

Actually it is fairly normal. Tell your DH to do his parenting homework.

I had one like this, at times I really thought I might hate him. I pushed myself to hug him as much as possible, tell him I loved him and give him lots and lots of positive attention. He's lovely now. Hates hugs but he's really chilled out.

Regardless of anything else, you need to rehome the poor dog and keep a very close eye on your eldest with the baby.

I’m a teacher we’ve seen a fair few children in our reception class go through a violent phase and they almost always grow out of it before they get to me (KS2). However, I have also had to make reports twice to the RSPCA about animals in danger, and a colleague in another school had to deal with a tricky situation re a younger sibling being hurt.

You haven’t failed your son, but you could do if you just ignore this. Yes, he may turn out to be a delightful child and this was just a terrible passing phase, but It could be some underlying additional need which you may need to manage differently.

I would recommend you start with your HV. Be warned on most neurodevelopmental services they will ask you to go on a parenting course. Doesn’t mean they think you are a terrible parent, but it is fairly standard.

You aren't going to be able to leave your baby/toddler/dog alone even for a moment, do you have a family member who can take the dog?

As sad as it is, he could end up lashing out at any of you if one child is hurting him.

I think your husband was feeling very upset, frustrated and helpless. I doubt he meant to make you feel bad. If you've been disciplining him when he is violent then you haven't failed him; it sounds like you've worked very hard parenting him and that it's been challenging. It might be time to access whether your methods are working or get some advice from the health visitors or similar. Being unkind to the dog is unacceptable. Don't leave them alone together untill his behaviour is consistently better. I would also never leave him alone with the baby.

My boy (3) bites his brother when frustrated, his brother does wind him up. But I think its not being able to communicate his frustration in that moment, so that's what i have been working on with him. When he does it I comfort his brother and ask him to sit down and I try not to give a big reaction. After the fact we do saying sorry, cuddles and practising saying what made him angry, labeling his feelings and calming down like counting to 10 or deep breaths. Most of the time now he shouts and runs to me when frustrated. My eldest is such a wind up so unfortunately my boy is going to have a lot of chance to practice his skills 😂

We hit a very low ebb when ours was between the ages of 3-4.

He wasn't violent, but he was damn hard work and kicked off about everything. I'm pretty sure I said I didn't like him, regretted having him, couldn't do it anymore etc.

It will pass BUT this is the time for absolute consistency, don't let him get away with the behaviour.

Can a 3.5 year old be 'mean' to a dog?

I understand that most 3.5 year old children understand what it is to be 'mean,' but their understanding is quite limited. A child of that age is not likely to be being 'mean' to the dog because they genuinely intend to cause distress. It's much more likely they can't understand - or can't keep remembering - that x and y activities are not nice for the dog. Heck, my DD is nearly six and, despite many reminders, she still struggles to remember that the cats may not like to be picked up bodily when they are eating. It's not malicious: it's because she's a child.

To me it sounds as if you and your husband both need to relax a bit and stop assuming that behaviour that's difficult for you, is necessarily a sign of something wrong.

Oh and re the dog, I'm sorry but I would hit the roof over this. That really needs to stop asap, they need to be kept separate at all times.

(Btw, I also agree that if the dog is being hurt or upset, you cannot leave them alone and this may mean you have a hard decision to make about the dog. But I think it is a mistake to think that this is necessarily a motivated cruelty from your child, rather than just a reflection of his age.)

This may sound simple but make sure you focus on the positive behaviour & praise praise praise : reward it, because it's easy to just focus on the negative.
I agree with others I am worried about the interaction with the dog. This is really concerning, & your baby. I think thought needs to go into this.