Is my husband right? Have we totally failed our son?

[givingupmum]

My son is 3 years and 5 months old, he is a difficult child. He has a lot of tantrums, he's very strong willed and kicks off easily and unfortunately one issue we have had with him is that he can be violent towards us. He went through biting stage, hitting stage etc and a very long phase of deliberately using his nails to scratch us which was horrible. He did it a lot. We got through all of these stages but he has moments where he will do them, mainly when he has a tantrum and totally loses control. We've been working on it, we had a baby recently which has caused some regression in his behaviour. We've had a few incidents lately of him being violent to us and he is quite volatile at the moment, we're constantly waiting for the next freak out.

As an aside he really can be a lovely boy. He does just have too many moments. I'm not blind to his flaws, I'm the main at home parent so I deal with the worst of it. Tonight my husband was putting him to bed and out of nowhere my son just started climbing all over him, when my husband said no he started trying to bite him and scratching him. My husband walked out and came downstairs and said that boy is vile, this behaviour is not normal, we've totally failed with him. He's a nasty piece of work.

I've totally had my moments where I've felt like this. It does make me so sad because I see other toddlers and kids his age and none of them seem to be like this, I don't have friends tell me how frequently their kids hurt them, it feels like it's just mine. But then I also see the progress, I see how much quicker he calms down, how he says sorry and that he loves us. I don't know if I'm being too soft. Is this totally abnormal? Is it time to consult a GP?

I don't want another toddler that hurts me. I don't want my baby to grow up seeing his brother do this and think it's ok. I feel really sad tonight.

My son used to run at me to bite at this age. I had scratches all down my arms. He pulled my hair. Hit. Basically all the things. As the majority of toddlers who, go through these phases, he’s a lovely high achieving tween now. Hard at the time though.

I had nothing but trouble wit my eldest son at that age. Nurses start wanting to asses for ADHD. When he started at school difficult too. Always in trouble, hurting other kids, mostly due to impulsiveness and thoughtlessness not nastiness.
Not that he’s an Angel now but he has calmed down a lot, is extremely intelligent and popular. Everyone loves him.
A lot of boys are to bloody exhausting when they are that age. If course you haven’t failed him. He is what he is.

All behaviour is communication, you're just not understanding his needs.

He's also 3, they're all Attila the Hun at that age. Getting into the trap where any attention is better than none with a little kid is common.

Praise him and give him lots of positive attention when he is being well behaved "Well done for sitting quietly/eating your lunch/getting dressed".

Remove him from the situation and then ignore him when he is being naughty.

This book is good: www.amazon.co.uk/Divas-Dictators-Secrets-Having-Behaved-ebook/dp/B0031RS2WC/ref=sr_1_10?crid=245T634J7CWHU&keywords=charlie+taylor+books&qid=1677309377&sprefix=charles+taylor+books%2Caps%2C124&sr=8-10

The man who wrote it is now Director of HM Prisons. He knows his stuff.

Your approach sounds great.

One thing that can be really helpful for a child who has trouble with leaving places he's enjoying is to give him multiple warnings. For example, if he's in soft play and having a great time and you have to leave in 10 minutes, you call him over and say 'go and enjoy your favourite things for the last 10 minutes, we are leaving in 10.' Then repeat in 5 minutes, and then get them ready to leave at the desired time.

It gives them a bit of time to adjust to the idea of leaving instead of being abruptly cut off in the middle of doing the thing they enjoy so much.

Not to this extend. Yes at this age they test they boundaries, but what he does it's not ok at all. There is a big difference in getting frustrated due to the lack of communication and that he is purposely trying to hurt others.(yes, a 3 years old should understand that concepts especially if you keep repeating to them)
Does he goes to nursery? How is he with other children other than his sibling?
Yes, he might grow out of it. Might not and gets worst: earlier he's get diagnosed earlier can recieve help.

I would seek outside support as early as possible, either through GP of health visitor ideally. Hurting the dog is a concern, especially as you have a young baby. Tantrums are normal but it sounds like your son’s meltdowns go beyond this. The sooner you can seek support the better.

A friend’s son was like this and he was diagnosed with ASD, he’s a lovely little boy and now has a place within a special school. It’s hard but the support was in place early.

Personal question and please don’t answer if you don’t want to but how was his birth?

No it is not unacceptable to describe ones child in this way. I applaud ther OP for acknowledging the faults and being concerned for her new one.
Not all children are little angels and bad behaviour needs to be dealt with, because they will be in a whole heapbof shit trying to function in society if it is not.
But hey, congratulations on being so perfect and managing to hide your feelings about your childs behaviour

He attended a private nursery for 2 years, there were a couple of early incidents of hitting when he went through that phase at around 18 months but nothing ever again! He currently does 5 mornings at his local school in a nursery class which goes up to full days later this year when he moves into reception, he's been there for around 6/7 months and they have never had a single issue! We've had 2 parents evening calls and both have said he's lovely, has lots of friends, very social, takes part in lessons and always helps tidy up etc. He is very social, he has 3 friends from his school that he talks about constantly and we meet up with sometimes and he plays lovely with them, a few blips with not wanting to share but that's fairly standard. We regularly spend time with my friends kids, who are all around a year younger than him and again there's been one or two blips over the years, but the most recent was 12+ months ago. He also spends 1 or 2 nights a fortnight with his nan as he loves going for sleepovers and he's delightful there too! He seems to save his angriness for us!

OO it’s great having all the advice on here but what do you feel deep down? Do you feel it’s time to talk to the GP? Your husband seems to think so.

If your Ds needs help, it’s going to take a long time to get it so you’re better starting early. If you feel you might need professional input, ask for it now.
If he doesn’t, you’d have done your bit on that front. Early intervention, where needed, is key.

He walked into my bedroom just now and came and gave me and the baby a kiss, said he loves us so much and missed us while he was sleeping! Could of cried. He really can be so sweet, I just want to help him be like this all of the time! When he loses his temper he seems to scare himself sometimes as he gets so out of control, you ask him why he hurt us and he cries and says he doesn't know with wide eyes. I think which is why hugs snap him out of it. I don't think he wants to act the way that he does.

But then less night was so random, he wasn't even kicking off he just started hurting him as if he was just over excited and hyper. It's a minefield this parenting stuff!

I have wondered at a few points in his life during bad phases but then we'll have a great few months and I won't think of it. I did during bad points consult his private nursery on 2 occasions, and his school nursery at parents calls and ask and neither had any concerns and said he was thriving and social in both settings. I figured they'd flag up if something was really wrong. I know masking is a thing but he genuinely loved both settings, I've seen him with friends from those settings outside of them on play dates and he's lovely with his little friends, he learns a lot from school and is constantly coming home telling us about his day and how much fun he had which leads me to assume he isn't masking but is genuinely happy there

I think you need to do a lot of research and read some books about problem behaviours and how to beat deal with them. Not every method will work with your child, but you need to start somewhere.

^ I agree. I recommend how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk and also the book you wish your parents had read. The odds are that your parenting styles aren't working here and you have a limited window to change to help your son.

Your husband and you need to read ‘Calm parents, Happy kids’ by Laura Markham. Good luck

My DS was similar at that age. I think he was really frustrated by struggling to communicate. He’s currently going through an ASD assessment which ties in now with hindsight! Not saying this is the case for you.

I dealt with it at the time by having immediate time outs for any violence. He absolutely hated it, but most of his aggression was directed at his sister who is two years older and it was just awful and HAD to stop. She was so upset as she didn’t understand why her little brother who she was so kind to kept hitting her or worse biting her. I got some criticism from a mums group I was on saying he was too little to understand (he was 2), but actually I didn’t care if he understood or not, I needed him to understand that there would be a consequence he didn’t like if he bit or hit his sister. It was probably the most challenging period of parenting for me, it was so tough.

I probably wouldn’t have been so firm with it if he’d been attacking me rather than her, but I’m glad that I was. I remember once going to the doctor with DD and she had a bite mark, I explained what had happened and that we were doing time outs even though he was small and had a right ramble that she must think I was an awful mother, and she was really lovely and reminded me that these things happen and I was clearly trying my best and working on the behaviour, which I needed to hear!

It did get better and he very rarely lashes out aggressively now, I can think of one time recently when he was having a meltdown and tried to kick his teacher which was awful, but that’s an isolated incident (which we spoke about after and I made it clear that I understood he’d been ‘finding things tricky’ as we call it when he’s having a meltdown, but that if he tried to hit or kick anyone again he’d be losing some screen time at the weekend). We also had to have a conversation about not growling at the lovely TA who helps him!

I hope you find something that works!

Put him on a time out every time remove him from toys and put him in a quiet area where you can still keep an eye on him. He needs to be removed from the situation and realise this behaviour will not be tolerated. If you do this already you could also try positive behaviour reinforcement if he gets through the day with no hitting or being mean he gets a sticker after a set amount of days gets to do an activity with one of you for being good. The reality is even if there is something going on I.e. ASD or what other people are suggesting that just means he will need even stronger positive reinforcement and even clearer boundaries. However instead of labelling which I don't always think is helpful he needs to know that this behaviour will not be tolerated. If it carries on after being timed out I would consider taking a toy every time. It will be hard but he needs to learn in the world if he hits someone it will always be a negative experience for him.

Sometimes people say things where their hurt that they don't mean, last night I went in to settle my 2 year old daughter who was buzzed at 3am. I laid in her bed and she whacked me on the bridge of the nose with a bottle, it hurt. Especially as it was pitch black and I didn't see it coming 😂 I thought but didn't say, oh you little prat, Of course she isn't a prat 😂 She's 2. But in that split second of pain it's easy to over react. As long as he dosnt over react infront of your son, he's only human. We can't have skin of steel and even injury's inflicted by a small child can hurt.

I can understand why your husband is upset, it can feel humiliating being hit or scratched by a child.

He sounds like a lovely boy. I think it might be worth trying to identify these "triggers" such as transitions and preparing your child for them. As another poster said, 10 minutes, 5 minutes etc. Also, mine was that age, I spent a long time talking about the day. IE. We are going to the park, then its lunch etc.

You could also help him identify how he is feelings, there are lots of great books. My favourite is "The Feelings Book" by Todd Parr. Then, helping him verbalise them, "I wonder if you are feeling cross because of xx".

I know the calm and hug approach works for you and, I can see that if your child is super upset he won't be able process what you are telling him. But, I do think that'll you need to find a way of be really clear with him that hitting is not acceptable and hurting the dog is not acceptable.

He could also be a sensory seeking child. If so it could be that the pressure from the cuddle is what is helping him calm down vs the actual soft approach.

You might try a weighted blanket with him or some other kind of pressure and see how he responds to that. Roll him up in a thin mattress or thick duvet like a burrito type thing. You can give him sensory toys with lots of things to press or bang or twist etc. The violent behaviour can also be sensory seeking. My niece was very much like your son. She is older now and still needs a lot of sensory input but she has other ways of getting that without being violent. She is a still often physically rough and she likes physical play (wrestling or adrenaline type sports) but can channel that need into more appropriate things.

This sounds like you are doing it right, to me.
You listened, named, empathised with and validated his feelings, and showed him how to deal with disappointment positively.
Sone people (men mostly??) think “being firm” means dominating the child, but really being firm is knowing in your own mind what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour and sticking to your boundaries that the child will inevitably test.

My oldest would often kick off when it was time to leave a place, so I would always give him a warning - “two more things then home time. Do you want slide or swings first?” Then on the swing, “ten more pushes then it’s time for the slide”. Then, “one more go down the slide and home we go”. It helped him adjust to the idea of leaving, as it was the sudden disappointment that it was time to go which was upsetting him.

I think you’re doing fine.

Forgot to say the crucial point: once I’d announced “two more things” or “ten more pushes” I did not move that boundary, and I especially did not give in to a tantrum so my children quickly learned it was not the way to get anything.

People saying all kids do this. I don't think this is true. We knew a boy like this and his parents had no boundaries with him and it was a nightmare but he was an exception..

I would check first that you and your husband have consistent boundaries with your son and behave consistently when he has an outburst. I'm sure there are some helpful books out there or watch some supernanny on YouTube. Most children like routine so make sure you are in a routine which you and your husband apply. Be loving but firm. You need to do this for your own sakes, your baby and the dog.

I would seek help from the health visitor in can your son has some SEN / communication issues. One of my nephews was a difficult toddler and it turned out he had hearing issues which hadn't been identified.

This will improve but you need to work at it and need help. Consider putting him in nursery.

OP it looks like your gut is telling you traditional parenting advice re consequences isn't working for your child. It doesn't work for us either.
Maybe look at positive parenting or connective parenting. It sounds like you're in that direction already.
And yes shock horror, it means no consequences! Consequences/punishment made our child's behaviour worse and our connection and relationship worse.
What we do now needs alot of emotional work and reflection from the parents and it's still a work in progress but life is definitely calmer round here and my spikey non cuddly child has softened and is self motivated in her positive behaviour and affection.
No consequences doesn't mean permissive parenting, it means setting a loving limit, sticking to it, allowing the child her feelings against it but following through calm with the no TV/put your shoes on etc. One warning only. The 3 main joists of it are
Self regulation of you
Connection
Coaching when calm not control

My child is 7 and I've always had strong boundaries with her and did traditional consequences but I felt we were distant and it felt like I was running out of consequences when things got bad. This way feels like a more human way of connecting znd giving life long lessons on how they deal with their emotions and behaviour.
Sorry for long post but it sounds like you're looking for something like this.