Is my husband right? Have we totally failed our son?

[givingupmum]

My son is 3 years and 5 months old, he is a difficult child. He has a lot of tantrums, he's very strong willed and kicks off easily and unfortunately one issue we have had with him is that he can be violent towards us. He went through biting stage, hitting stage etc and a very long phase of deliberately using his nails to scratch us which was horrible. He did it a lot. We got through all of these stages but he has moments where he will do them, mainly when he has a tantrum and totally loses control. We've been working on it, we had a baby recently which has caused some regression in his behaviour. We've had a few incidents lately of him being violent to us and he is quite volatile at the moment, we're constantly waiting for the next freak out.

As an aside he really can be a lovely boy. He does just have too many moments. I'm not blind to his flaws, I'm the main at home parent so I deal with the worst of it. Tonight my husband was putting him to bed and out of nowhere my son just started climbing all over him, when my husband said no he started trying to bite him and scratching him. My husband walked out and came downstairs and said that boy is vile, this behaviour is not normal, we've totally failed with him. He's a nasty piece of work.

I've totally had my moments where I've felt like this. It does make me so sad because I see other toddlers and kids his age and none of them seem to be like this, I don't have friends tell me how frequently their kids hurt them, it feels like it's just mine. But then I also see the progress, I see how much quicker he calms down, how he says sorry and that he loves us. I don't know if I'm being too soft. Is this totally abnormal? Is it time to consult a GP?

I don't want another toddler that hurts me. I don't want my baby to grow up seeing his brother do this and think it's ok. I feel really sad tonight.

I think it’s a sign of someone stressed about their child’s behaviour after yet another violent outburst.

My son is like this too. It was becoming a problem at the childminders too, so we got the health visitor and senco involved and now we have a package of support in place. He’s getting extra help and now he’s fine ❤️

Are there certain trigger points like tiredness? All 3 year olds can be hard work but this does feel a bit more challenging. It’s interesting that he is fine at nursery. That tells you he can behave in that setting. The children in my daughter’s y2 class with additional needs struggled from nursery age, had lots of intervention from then etc. There is a little boy in my youngest’s nursery class who struggled with biting (I know because my child was bitten) and they had clear and consistent strategies to help him but also the other children and he has got through it now he’s closer to 4. It would
be worth speaking to the health visitor to see if there are specific strategies you can put in place at home to help you all. Inevitably reception will be a step up with tiredness/levels of concentration required so would be good to put things in place now to help with school transition.

I agree with all of this. I would use techniques for parenting a child with ASD years before the diagnosis. DD didn’t understand consequences (still doesn’t) so things had to be phrased in a way she understood. I disagree with PP saying that your son is learning that if he is violent, he gets cuddles which will perpetuate the cycle - if he is like my DD, he won’t make that link. We learnt to not use the word ‘no’ as that seemed to be a trigger, but say no in other ways. We would give small choices between X and Y to give an element of control. We would repeat what she said word for word (not paraphrasing) so she knew that she had been heard and understood. All these things kept her calm and reduced the tantrums/meltdowns.

OP you just need to find what works for your son, every child is different.

I think this is quite common around age three or so - you haven’t failed him - he’s just being three. Keep being patient but maintain boundaries/expectations in a gentle ‘we don’t do that, we do this’ kind of a way. And tell your dh not to panic! Parenting goes on a long time, it’s not set in stone by three.

He is going through a nasty, vile, out of control stage where he just isn’t likeable, but that doesn’t mean he will grow up to be nasty, vile, out of control and unpleasant. He needs very very firm boundaries, plenty of consequences, the word NO needs to be one of the most frequently heard words in his brain and of course plenty of praise when he is good.

When DS was a similar age and a hitter, I was told to say a loud firm “no” and walk away from him if he hit me and it worked well (obviously only at home).
I’d leave him to shout and cry and then invariably he’d come and say sorry and we’d hug and talk about it.
He quickly learnt that hitting didn’t get him a huge reaction or lots of attention, and it wasn’t fun for him to be suddenly left alone and ignored.
That combined with lots of praise and attention when he behaved well seemed to work.
Your DS is still so small and learning to control his feelings, he’s not bad and you definitely haven’t failed him.

I think we'll just have to disagree. Part of the reason I feel so strongly about this is that my ex husband said something similar once when "frustrated", and it turned out to be the start of a pattern of escalating abuse which caused me to leave him. The DC now have either no or very low contact with him.

You've had some really good advice, and I hope you can get your husband on board with it.

One question (I may have missed it) is, what is his speech/communication like?
Because not being understood is a source of huge frustration for toddlers

It's so easy to say this though when you don't have a child with these behaviours. Genuinely, what would you do that would guarantee your child would never bite or hit you again? No one is saying it is acceptable but a child being violent is not the same as an adult being violent.

Your husband lashed out after a frustrating evening - we’ve all had moments like this. I tell my Puppy that if he doesn’t behave it’s the Dogs Trust for him at least once a week.

However, he’s also telling you that things have to change and you can’t continue how you’ve been doing. Personally, I like the book Toddler Training and learnt alot from this. You’ve got to decide whether how he acts is behavioural or medical.

If behavioural, read up such as Toddler Training or other recommendations above. If you feel it’s more than bad behaviour, then you need to contact your gp to get an assessment.

He reached the end of his tether nowhere near his child. In circumstances totally different from yours. Congratulations for not reacting the same as someone entirely different from you with different life experiences and a different child. If he had said it to the child, I would agree with you. But then I imagine you would commented saying "he should have said it to his wife out of earshot if he wanted to vent!" Because some people just like to belittle others parenting.

Its not ideal, its not nice. But neither is your judging. Here's your medal for your perfect parenting.

This
Your child needs love and reassurance and communication but NOT straight after deliberately hurting you.
It must be very tough to parent a child with very difficult behaviours for whatever reason. There’s no immediate or simple answer. But it is not acceptable for your child to frequently hurt you and it’s important to prevent/reduce this, underline that it is not allowed and do nothing which would reward this behaviour.

I have walked away from my toddler when he was being a totally unlikeable nightmare, told my husband I thought he (toddler) was a horrible little twat, that we’d made a terrible mistake and I couldn’t do it anymore.

I was tired, fed up and, as I said previously, at the end of my rope. It was not an ‘escalating pattern of behaviour’.

This sounds totally appropriate to me.

There are a lot of really harsh judgements on this thread.

I'm an adult SLT who works with learning disabilities, so not the same group at all, but there are some things that spring to mind and I don't want to just scroll on without commenting..

Being aware of your boy's

-physical needs- huger, thirst, tiredness etc

-communication abilities, how is his communication normally and how does he let you know he needs something?

-sensory needs, is he letting off enough steam, or being overstimulated by something? Is there too much noise or activity at the times he is getting heightened behaviours?

• transitions are likely to be a big one for triggering stress, they often are. A visual chart may help, or a timer, with verbal warnings frequently about when an activity will end and what is coming up next. There is a website called global symbols where you can make visual supports for free. You would then make a wee visual timetable and take off each thing as it's done, highlighting what is next with pointing and speech to support.

-how is your daily schedule, too busy, too quiet?

-any people or places that trigger anything in particular? Is he needing attention or help to regulate himself?

We use ABC charts to look at what happened and what the behaviours were, they can be useful for mapping out potential triggers and things that help/hinder (though it sounds like you actually have a pretty good grasp on what helps) and I guess if you went down child psychology route they may do similar, so might be worth mapping behaviours so you can see about identifying triggers.

The dog safety issue is definitely one I would be really careful about. Saying that our almost 3 year old son can be a right menace at times with our dog, who he loves, but can just randomly decide he is going to be a horror for fun, so you're not alone.

The cuddles etc sound like they help regulate your child. Consistent boundaries and letting him know the behaviour is not ok but that you love him and are there to support him sounds totally ok to me. People advocating physical violence and strict methods haven't read recent research!
There is a time and a place for ignoring behaviours but I would never advocate for physical discipline, only removal and restraint from an unsafe situation until they calm down.

There is a book I personally found useful called "the book you wish your parents had read", I feel like it might be useful, for your husband in particular maybe. Helps identify our own thoughts and beliefs around parenting.

Good luck x

Diversion is a brilliant tactic. When you see it coming, divert.

I’m not going to read the thread in full because I find these discussions triggering. They’re often full of terrible advice that borders on abuse.

I have a qualification in behavioural psychology among other things and I will categorically say that when there are sensory needs at play, you cannot solve the problem with consequences/punishments and “discipline”

My recommendation would be to approach your HV or GP for an assessment of need, and push for a referral to an occupational therapist (or go private if you can scrape the money together)

Having a child with SN does not make you a failure as a parent. But you may have to adjust your parenting style and change your expectations

But please, please don’t start with punishments, time outs etc.

It isn't unusual for older children to get upset at having a new sibling especially around 2-3. Do you spend quality time with your DC now that you have a baby? Is he only receiving attention when he is misbehaving? Does your DH spend quality time with the eldest now he has a new sibling?

My DD started acting out when her brother arrived and she was 3, would sit outside my room screaming, starting protest peeing and every morning I would say good morning and she was dry and I would say well done and she would look at me and proceed to pee.

You and your DH need to stop focussing on his behaviours and between you come up with a plan to redirect his energy doing positive things. You need to be a team or this will just get worse- your DS will pick up all that negative feelings you and your DH have towards him and that is rather sad

Your husband is being silly!

Your child came into this world 3 and a half years ago, his brain has hardly started developing, to be honest you can't expect much.

Praise the good ignore the bad but comfort him when he's upset. Ask your health visitor if his behaviour is out of the ordinary and get help if it is.

Also fresh air helps. Take him to a lonely park where he can't break anything and let him run. Exhausted 3 year old sleep for a long time. 3 year old are very cute when they're asleep and you can talk some sense into your husband.

You have in no way let your son down.

I meant to add the fact your DC is absolutely fine at nursery makes it more obvious things arent right at home

On the plus side though, if DS is coping and developing well at nursery etc, is this an indication that he is not SN? Perhaps it will be easier ( I know none of this is ‘easy’) to reduce/respond to his behaviour if it happens in a certain environment rather than everywhere?
Other posters have talked about finding out the ‘triggers’ etc so it can help if you investigate what’s going on before the behaviour, rather than after it?

Your toddler is not the problem. Your husband is the problem.

Whilst he is cold, strict, and talks about your small child in such a horrible way, nothing will improve.

You’ve seen yourself that love and kindness are much more effective with your son than hardness and discipline (duh), but your husband is too stupid and nasty to see it.

Again, HE IS THE PROBLEM. Not your little boy

Mine prétended to be a crocodil it will pass now he s a wonderful teenager

One of the most irritating things about managing a child’s behaviour is having to manage the man who doesn’t understand the child’s behaviour. It’s stressful.
You sound as if you have an intuitive understanding of what works for your child. I’d say keep researching and keep doing what you are doing. Start reading up in autism in case you suspect he needs assessment.
Your husband is wrong. He’s upset and confused by your son’s behaviour but not willing to think about where it’s coming from and how to create a consistent and calm environment for him.

Everyone who is slagging off OPs husband, calling him names, saying ‘He ‘ is the problem, almost suggesting that OP should become a single parent because he doesn’t like the son’s bad behaviour need to calm down and stop the misandry. I presume DH is the breadwinner? He gets home after what was maybe a particularly stressful or tiring day and his son physically attacks him. So he says what he feels about it, not to the child, nor does he retaliate …..but somehow he is the cause of all this.

is it the dogs fault, too? If he hurts the baby, will it be the baby’s fault.?