Is my husband right? Have we totally failed our son?

[givingupmum]

My son is 3 years and 5 months old, he is a difficult child. He has a lot of tantrums, he's very strong willed and kicks off easily and unfortunately one issue we have had with him is that he can be violent towards us. He went through biting stage, hitting stage etc and a very long phase of deliberately using his nails to scratch us which was horrible. He did it a lot. We got through all of these stages but he has moments where he will do them, mainly when he has a tantrum and totally loses control. We've been working on it, we had a baby recently which has caused some regression in his behaviour. We've had a few incidents lately of him being violent to us and he is quite volatile at the moment, we're constantly waiting for the next freak out.

As an aside he really can be a lovely boy. He does just have too many moments. I'm not blind to his flaws, I'm the main at home parent so I deal with the worst of it. Tonight my husband was putting him to bed and out of nowhere my son just started climbing all over him, when my husband said no he started trying to bite him and scratching him. My husband walked out and came downstairs and said that boy is vile, this behaviour is not normal, we've totally failed with him. He's a nasty piece of work.

I've totally had my moments where I've felt like this. It does make me so sad because I see other toddlers and kids his age and none of them seem to be like this, I don't have friends tell me how frequently their kids hurt them, it feels like it's just mine. But then I also see the progress, I see how much quicker he calms down, how he says sorry and that he loves us. I don't know if I'm being too soft. Is this totally abnormal? Is it time to consult a GP?

I don't want another toddler that hurts me. I don't want my baby to grow up seeing his brother do this and think it's ok. I feel really sad tonight.

What do either of you do when the violent episodes happen? It is likely to be a cry out for attention. Does it happen if he gets 1-2-1 time with you both?

I feel you. My son went through a bad hitting stage at this age. His nursery said he sometimes hit there too. I felt awful. It got so much better once his language improved, I think it was a lot to do with communication frustration.

He's a really sweet kid now. I doubt you've failed your son at all!

It will get worse when you have a baby. Stop this now. Zero tolerance. Time out. Naughty step, whatever. There comes a time (and 3 it is) when you can't put it down to terrible twos and you need to take control.

Does he go to nursery? If so, what’s their view? If they haven’t raised any concerns, I would talk to them now. I’d also see your GP and health visitor (depending upon your area). There is lots of support, advice and help out there; usually you have to fight to get it.

Please make sure your dog is kept safe.

We have tried time outs, naughty steps, consequences etc but to be honest it makes him worse. The only way to get through to him and to calm him down is to give him a cuddle and talk it through with him. We went through a cycle of getting harder on him and his behaviour got worse and worse. A few weeks ago I did a lot of reading online and decided to try something else, where we reassure him and comfort him, give him a cuddle, talk through our feelings etc and I feel like he's really responsive to it and calms down so much quicker. My husband says that it's not right and we need to be tougher.

If its working and your son is responding then your husband needs to keep with it

I wonder if he would think you needed to be tougher if your child was a girl, or if this is actually an example of trying to socialise boys to be tougher and less emotional, and therefore he's uncomfortable with talking through emotions etc?

It sounds like lovebombing might work

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/sep/22/oliver-james-love-bombing-children

I will caveat this by pointing out I'm not a parent and I am only answering because this sounds so similar to my nephew, I wouldn't normally respond on parenting threads

The naughty step never worked for us either.

I think there is a balance to be struck between cuddling him and talking it through and being told off when he really deserves it.

For instance when he was biting and scratching your husband tonight, I would have firmly and loudly said No, you don't do that and then explain why. The cuddle can come later if he says sorry and is remorseful.

How did you husband deal with it tonight?

OP sounds a but like your DH was irritated by DS's behaviour and wants to push back. But you say you're the main parent and you think the 'friendly' approach is working.

Don't let your DH set the strategy if you're the one who has to deal with the consequences, and don't let him take his understandable frustration out on you. Hang in thee, get advice from GP/HV/nursery, whoever is available.

Well, then cuddle him and talk it through with him! It's the healthiest response out of all of those you described. IMO you only try things like time outs or consequences when cuddles/calming down and talking doesn't work. They're designed to be quick-and-crude fixes when a child cannot calm down or cannot talk about things.

I’m not sure I agree with cuddling him after he’s been physical towards you and it’s clearly not making a difference, are you being consistent with time-outs? You should also not be allowing him to abuse your dog either. You need to keep them separate.

There was a similar thread the other day where the son was abusing the family dog. I think it got removed in the end unfortunately. Just based on the two pages of responses on this thread, it seems to be only boys so far acting in this way, but I’m sure there are exceptions. It got me thinking though that this behaviour is learnt, could be from nursery, at home, what he watches on TV or elsewhere. A lot of the children who abuse animals have been abused or have witnessed abuse themselves. Do you use smacking as a form of discipline at home?

My son is 4 and is SO much like this! Not as bad any more thankfully but he has his moment. He was a nightmare last year and I did say some horrible things about him so I get how you and your husband are feeling. I'm just persevering and things are getting better. I'm trying to stay calm and not retaliate. It is tough but we can do it...

A sticker chart worked very well for us for similar behaviour at a similar age. All about the positive (and it feels a lot of work to stay positive at the time!). Catch him every single time he displays the behaviour you want, and constantly remind him that he can get a sticker for the next thing coming up... e.g, putting his PJs on nicely with no scratching.

We buy a load of prizes for when he reaches 10 stickers. Just from pound land, like bouncy balls, bubbles, etc. And we hype up the positive of reaching 10 sticker.

We've adapted it as he changes, so he used to have huge issues in getting ready for bed, so we broke down every single step as an opportunity to get a sticker: nappy on, PJs on, brush teeth, up the stairs... Now he's so much better so it's all just one sticker for 'doing your night-night jobs'

Sticker chart stays on the fridge.

I must be in the minority but I would have been seeking professional help by now…considering the danger to the dog and the new baby.

Apologies if that sounds extreme. It’s great that you’ve done all that reading and implementing strategies. I guess I’d just want some reassurance from a child psychologist that we were using the most appropriate strategies.

Agree, but I have felt like this about my children before for brief moments when they have really tested me. It's normal not to like them all the time....doesn't mean you don't love them.

He didn't voice his thoughts to the child and he probably doesn't really think them deep down once he's had the chance to reset. He was tested and was just venting to his partner. That is allowed, no one is perfect.....

Does he get more attention from his father when he's misbehaving? Children of that age don't differentiate between positive and negative attention

I disagree with your strategy of cuddling and talking it out - he's 3, not 13. But that's not the point really. What is important is that you really do have to get on top of this or yes, you will fail him. So either, you implement a strategy and make sure it works, or you seek outside help. Because an almost 4 year old who is hitting, biting and scratching, who isn't safe around your dog or your baby, is not okay.

The good news is that you do have time. This can be turned around.

It sounds like your husband was at the end of his rope when your son launched into another random attack. We all say things like that, kids can be absolute pricks sometimes.

This probably isn’t an approach everyone would take but the aggression, pain infliction and in particular cruelty to your poor dog, would mean I would talk to a private child psychologist to see if we were missing something or to develop coping/tackling mechanisms.

How is his speech @givingupmum ?

My twins used to bite a lot, but they were quite severely speech delayed and simply unable to verbalise much. They did grow out of it.

I can see why your husband is upset with it, I would be too. I'm not sure I would be able to be the calm and nurturing mother at all points when he's deliberately hurting me, his baby sibling or the dog, so I get him there as well. But clearly, as a tactic, that is working.

I'd also suggest some books to read together - Teeth are not for Biting was one we had. As they got older, they did get upset when they lost control and bit and we would read together and have a cuddle.

I probably get flamed for what I am about to say, but here it goes.

My DS used to kick our dogs in frustration at around that age. I would tell him off or try and stop him - none of the gentle methods worked. In the end I just kicked him back. (Not in anger or to hurt him badly, but enough for him to feel it!) DS was massively surprised and started crying. I explained that this is how the dog feels, he's never done it since!
In fact he's 12 now and stated taking care of one of our dogs- that's walking, feeding and some grooming.
You need to set very firm boundaries with your child and not reward with "negative attention". It's a difficult age, but he'll learn with your guidance.

You are right actually, that was harsh of me.
Sorry OP (and OP’s dh)

Sorry, but I’d get rid of the dog.
DS may have hyper sensitivity to something.
He may be on the spectrum, and not know how to communicate his frustrations.
He is competing with a dog for love and affection.
If you don’t get rid of the dog, your’s may be one of the families we hear about in the news.
There are too many dog attacks on toddlers, and the owners are rarely prosecuted because the CPS say the family has been through enough.
But you need to decide whether the family dog gets priority over your children.

What does 'mean' to the dog actually mean? As PPs have said you need to rehome the dog. Your DS is going through a volatile stage (totally normal). And there's a new baby in the house. It's too much to expect a dog to cope with changes and bad behaviour.

How about using lawful chastisement and disciplining your child ?

Try it . It works . Being the parent and being in control actually works . It saves a whole load of grief later on .

These are the parents ringing 999 when their kids are 12 .

Sort it now . Step
Up . Stop the cuddling . Start with consequences.