My sons bully's are coming for a sleep over

[Clockwise123]

Hi, I desperately need some advice please.
My son was bullied at school and moved schools because of it last year (year 8, age 13). My girlfriends son, same age, is friends with these boys and wants to have them over for his birthday for a sleep over. I do not want them in our home, but my gf insists her son should not miss out.

My son is due to be at his mums, so won't be here. It still doesn't sit right with me though.

We all live together, and share parental responsibility with our children's other parents.

1. How will my son feel knowing they've been in his home? He will say it's OK if I speak to him about it, but that's the way he is. Never wants to make a fuss, or cause any issues.
2. I'm not sure how I will feel having these children in our home, knowing what they did to my son.
3. I could potentially have an issue with my sons mum if/when she finds out that these boys have been in my our home.

I don't want my step son to miss out. It feels really hard to deal with.

It feels like I'm being made to feel like I'm over reacting. The phrase that I keep being told is "it's not all about your son"

Any thoughts or advice? What would you do?

Absolutely not. I was bullied and if I'd had my bullies staying over it would have destroyed my idea of my home being a safe space.

100% no, why is stepson allowed to associate with these bullies?

It feels like I'm being made to feel like I'm over reacting. The phrase that I keep being told is "it's not all about your son"

seriously?!!
gaslighting this is

If I’m honest I’m shocked your GF is being such a nasty cow. How can anyone think it’s normal to allow these bullies to come to your son’s safe space/his home. Of course it doesn’t feel right because it’s not right! This is one of those situations that isn’t about your GF’s son not missing out, it’s so much bigger than that. Even more shocking she isn’t concerned her son is friends with them. Honestly you may need to think about getting rid of the GF because she clearly has no common sense and isn’t mature enough to think about the situ wider than just what her son wants.

No, no, no, no. Please show your son you support him. Please don't let him down. Please read Bully-Proof Kids.

Absolutely not! Your son may agree because he won’t be there. But what would that teach him? That you value your girlfriends sons feelings, more than your own sons. You moved him schools because it was so bad, who’s to say the bullying wouldn’t start again? Are you really ok letting your son go through this trauma again? Your girlfriend sounds selfish, she clearly doesn’t care, its disgusting that she is happy to let your sons bullies be in his home and his life again, shame on her! Massive red flag! If her son wants to be friends with bullies, then they do it away from your home! Don’t let her bully you into this! I was bullied so badly at school and if my parents did this to me I’d be absolutely devastated!

Sorry this would be a huge No for me. My son was also badly bullied and I know how much he did and still does value that his home is his safe space. By allowing these bullies into your home, even though I fully appreciate your not happy about it, this invades the one place he should feel 100% safe. Personally I would question why your gf, as a parent herself, can’t see how this is unreasonable. This is about the well-being of your son, nothing else. That has to come before everything.

Your poor boy having to go through all that then for his step brother to to deny anything happened, how does he feel living with your Gf and her son?
I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable knowing boys who made my sons left hell having access to his thing, seeing photos you may have around the house of him and god knows what the step brother might have said to the bully’s like insider personal knowledge they wouldn’t have known otherwise. If your son doesn’t live with you much, has minimal items in your home etc maybe it would be ok but you need to discuss the situation with his mum, him, the step son, maybe all sit down together? Your GF thinking her son is fine hanging around with bully’s like that is a concern.

Under no circumstances let them into your home. Your girlfriend should not even be entertaining the idea of allowing people who have made your sons life an absolute misery into your home. I can’t even begin to think of the logic of even mentioning it to you. She has obviously seen the effect the bullying has had on your son. Being bullied affects someone’s whole life and not something that should be condoned. I’d be having serious words with your girlfriend if i was you. Why is she even allowing her son to mix with such kids? Could her son have been feeding them information on your son regarding the bullying? It’s not out of the realms of possibility. Shut it down and shut it down now!

Some very sensible replies on here from most people. I was bullied very badly at school and as an adult it's one of the main reasons I mainly chose to live hundreds (sometimes even thousands) of miles away from where I grew up.

I still don't trust easily and when I do visit family to this day I mainly stay away from the areas where many of the bullies still live. If that's what you want for your son, keep going down the path you're on....

My parents were never stupid and uncaring enough to invite any of my bullies into my safe haven though.

And frankly, your girlfriend sounds like a manipulative bully too. I have to say I'm also not convinced her son hasn't been involved in the bullying as well.

Get a better girlfriend and for God's sake, show your son you have his back.

Your girlfriend is fine with her son hanging around with bullies? Of course he didn't see any of the bullying - bullies never see their behaviour as bullying. I agree with others here, you need to stand up for your son and remove these people from his life.

I haven’t read all of the comments as there are so many but am I the only one who thinks that your gf son could have been one of the bully’s too if they are his friends?
how can you stay with this woman when she dismisses your son being bullied so badly he had to move schools?
your child comes first, leave the gf. She’s made it clear she does not care about your son. If you stay with her and allow this to happen you are showing your son he comes second to your gf and her son, how horrible for him!

Probably because most of the comments are a bit ridiculous, basically all saying he should break up with his partner because of it. Nobody likes to think of their kid being bullied but it happens and kids fall out all of the time at that age.

Ok so it’s ridiculous to expect your partner to have respect for you and you child?

Your expectations and standards are just a lot lower than other peoples. It’s sad.

Abso-fucking-lutely not! Wtf is your girlfriend thinking? I’m sorry, as a stepmother figure she should be supporting your son. The fact she couldn’t give a shit rings huge alarm bells. Come on OP…. You know YANBU. In your son’s position, if I came home and found these little shits had been in my space, I’d pack up and move my stuff back to my mum’s and not come back. Your GF is well out of order. I say that as a parent who had to my schools for one of my children for this reason in Y5, which then impacted on which High School to send him.

(That should say had to MOVE schools 🙄)

My daughter was bullied in secondary school and it changed her forever.
There is no way on this earth that I would allow her bullies to stay in my home,even if she wasn't here. After what they put her through it would be like telling her that how she felt didn't matter anymore.

Please don't let these bullies into your home. I'm surprised you're even asking!

There is no way that children who had bullied my child to the point of physical assault and having to change school would cross the threshold of my home.

I only have one child, so I don't know for sure how I would behave if a (non-step) sibling wanted to continue to be friends with the bullies, but I'm pretty sure I would be incredibly disappointed and would certainly not support the friendship by allowing any time with the bullies outside school (let alone a sleepover in your home!!!) . There would have been a lot of discussion about it with both children whilst the bullying was going on.

For a step sibling, it perhaps depends how long you have been a blended family and how your dynamic works. If you've been together long enough and parent each others children enough for the approach above to work, that's what I would do. If not, then I don't know - maybe try to manage the situation (definitely not allow the bullies into your home!!) but I would end the relationship if that caused too much conflict or my partner wasn't on board, or in any way my child risked getting hurt any more than they already have been.

If I had any suspicion that the step child had taken part in the bullying, I would split up immediately. Not acrimoniously to the GF (you can get back together when your kids leave home you still want to) but because bullying has a lifelong effect, and I would do anything in my power to protect my child from that.

You say that your child doesn't make a fuss, and would tell you to let the bullies come for the sleepover if asked. This would raise a lot of red flags for me that he wouldn't tell you if Step Son had been involved in the bullying - or even just stood by watching. I'd try very hard to get to the bottom of that. If I couldn't be sure, I would split up. The consequences to your son are too high.

17 pages of responses & the OP has only replied once after his initial post 🙄 These sort of threads are so annoying!

No. The fact that your son won’t be there is irrelevant. If he was bullied so recently, and so badly he had to change schools, then knowing these children were in his safe space will be horrible for him. And yes, where this is concerned it is all about your son. The fact that your GF has even said that it’s not speaks volumes. She has so little respect for you and your son that she actually sees nothing wrong in encouraging her son to remain friends with children who have caused such trauma to him. And you’re OK with this ? You need to have an urgent conversation about your expectations of each other where your children are concerned.

Your sons’ mother is obviously involved in his life from what you say in your post. How did she handle supporting her son through this ? Does she know your GF’s son was, and is involved with these bullies ? And does she know what your GF is proposing ? Because if it were me I’d be raging and rethinking access if his father appeared to be prioritising his GF and stepson above his own child.

I would not allow them in the house. Serious gaslighting by your girlfriend and stepson. Your poor son, I really hope for his mental health that they do not come. Also why is the girlfriend's son still friends with them.
Also hope the bullies were dealt with, awful your son had to move school and was physically attacked.

Putting your relationship above your child is not ok

@Clockwise123 🤔

Helllooooooooo are you thererreeee???

NO - absolutely not unless you want your relationship with your son to be affected and for him not to want to come over again. He needs to feel safe in his own home and he’s not going to with the bullies there. As far as your stepson goes - why does your girlfriend want to encourage these friendships? I would not want my son to be friends with boys who bully regardless of who they are bullying. You can’t control friendships outside of the house but you can’t prevent them within. The girlfriend is being very unreasonable - If she cannot understand this, I would seriously question your relationship. Your son’s well-being should be your priority.
I think you need to speak to your stepson too and ask him why he finds it acceptable to be friends with bullies.

Put your son first.