My sons bully's are coming for a sleep over

[Clockwise123]

Hi, I desperately need some advice please.
My son was bullied at school and moved schools because of it last year (year 8, age 13). My girlfriends son, same age, is friends with these boys and wants to have them over for his birthday for a sleep over. I do not want them in our home, but my gf insists her son should not miss out.

My son is due to be at his mums, so won't be here. It still doesn't sit right with me though.

We all live together, and share parental responsibility with our children's other parents.

1. How will my son feel knowing they've been in his home? He will say it's OK if I speak to him about it, but that's the way he is. Never wants to make a fuss, or cause any issues.
2. I'm not sure how I will feel having these children in our home, knowing what they did to my son.
3. I could potentially have an issue with my sons mum if/when she finds out that these boys have been in my our home.

I don't want my step son to miss out. It feels really hard to deal with.

It feels like I'm being made to feel like I'm over reacting. The phrase that I keep being told is "it's not all about your son"

Any thoughts or advice? What would you do?

Definitely no. Your son should not be put through that . Was her son involved in the bullying? How does your son feel about living with this boy? Why does your girlfriend feel this is acceptable? Why does her son think it's ok to minimise your sons experience?

Agree with you, if my DCs' bullies set foot in my house, I just won't be able to carry on playing the good host for them, feeding them cake, watching them laugh and have fun, etc. I'd be raging inside and don't see how I'd get through it without saying some things and throwing them out!

Don't let these bullies into your son's home.
Even if he's not there, it is a massive imposition on him.
What if they go in his room and look through his things? Being in his home, seeing his family things, being hosted by his parent and step-parent is a betrayal after what he's been through.
I can't imagine any parent doing that to a child. He should be able to have some loyalty and respect in this, no matter what.
I would definitely not want to encourage step-siblings to hang out with these bullies either.

Did you post before when the bullying was going on? Your dp needs to seriously reconsider. It’s not all about her son either. Imagine if they put pics all over Snapchat in your sons house. Awful.

No

Just no. Do not allow them into your child’s home- that’s his safe space.

Hard no. Also, wtf is wrong with your gf? I would be questioning the future of this relationship. How do your morals align?

The OP has left the building. He doesn't like the advice he's getting loud and clear on MN. I suppose the house he lives in is his 'girl friend's' so he doesn't think he can tell her who visits.

☝️

No. Your home. Your boundary. Your rules. Your partner is trying to dominate you. Stay firm. She can take them out for pizza or something but not in your home.

@Harrysutton - hadn’t even thought of that aspect but you are so right!
@Clockwise123 - I hope for your son’s sake that you take the unanimous advice on here.

It would be a non negotiable no from me. My son’s mental health and feelings would trump anyone else’s including my partner. A safe space for a children is vital.

Entirely plausible. But I really hope OP does come back as we all want to hear how they've stood up for their son and kicked GF and her son to the kerb.

Take it this way, if my (full) sisters' friend picked on me, they wouldn't be welcome in our home.
If my sons friend picked on My other child, they wouldn't be welcome in our home.
Whether the picked on child was there or not.

YANBU, sounds like your new wife is a bully and her kid probably is too if he's hanging out with the bullies.
I'd put my foot down and if she insisted I really would question the relationship (if we didn't share a child. if we shared a child I wouldn't die on this hill)

If she brings them round I couldn't help myself but ask the kids to not bully my child again. I couldn't do it actually, I wouldn't let them in the door, I really would make a fuss infront of the kids and my wife of she tried to go against my wishes.

I’m afraid to say that in your shoes I would be reconsidering my relationship with this person.

How on earth she thinks this is acceptable is beyond me and I’m not sure how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot!

However given her son denied your son was bullied I have to look at her and wonder if he gets his scheming ways from her and his lack of empathy.

Do not let this sleepover proceed

Another voice for the protect your son vote, not that You need it. Dont let them in his home whilst he’s out. I wouldn’t trust them to stay out if his room/his stuff. Unless you lock his door then you cant know. They can damage anything. The bullying was bad enough t ti change schools.keep protecting him

Why the fuck are you with your GF if she thinks this is OK?

It's her house, isn't it?

This is truly awful. Your poor poor child. Your child needs protecting and to feel safe in their own home. How would he feel knowing these horrible bullies have been in his safe space? No way should this sleep over proceed. You need to reassess the entire relationship. This would be a huge red flag for me. My child comes first.

Really annoying OP hasnt returned.

Makes me think it’s just another invented fake dm story.

I get your point and agree. And while I appreciate your partners just looking after her son you need to look after yours as well, because its clear they aren't considering him in the same way they're considering their own ds.
What if your son can't go away that evening and has to stay?
Also as pp have said why is your sds best friends with a group of kids who bullied someone so badly they had to switch schools? What's the 2 ds relationship like?

Probably because most of the comments are a bit ridiculous, basically all saying he should break up with his partner because of it. Nobody likes to think of their kid being bullied but it happens and kids fall out all of the time at that age.

He might have a great relationship with his partner or be in some way dependent on her, it’s not really advice if people are just going to say ‘oh you should just dump her’ and then take the moral high ground with ‘I’d put my child first etc’ trying to make out like he’s a bad parent for trying to keep all parties happy.

That’s probably why he’s not bothered to come back on because the thread is almost unanimous with these types of comments.

@SueG60 Its definitely easier to advise someone to just jump ship vs being the one that actually has to do it. And as you said, we don’t know the financial implications of that at all.

That being said, I wouldn’t want to continue a relationship with someone who didn’t take my child being physically assaulted seriously. Especially if their child was a suspected bully. This wasn’t just a fall out or name calling, the OP said his son was assaulted and moved schools. This is a really sad situation.

It’s hard to know without more details exactly what occurred, an assault could just be fisty cuffs and no real damage done, or it could be very serious. Most lads get into minor fights at that age, one of my boys was bullied at school for a period and we had to go into school about it. He was punched by another lad his age.

They need to learn how to behave, they test boundaries and do things that wouldn’t be acceptable in the workplace or on the streets. Kids can change a lot at that age, the lad who bullied my son apologised a few years down the line and whilst they’re not friends there’s no animosity about it.

It depends totally on the situation, if these kids are totally unrepentant about what they did and they’d get some sort of kick out of being in his house then that obviously shouldn’t be allowed to happen. People are imagining what these people are like, but I’d say most kids experience both being bullied and doing the bullying to varying degrees, at least that’s my recollection of school.

@SueG60

The OP's DS had to move schools. I think that's serious enough.

A bully is a bully. There is "no grade"

I'm biased as I was bullied. Not physical but constant emotional bullying.

It's scared me for life. I wish I'd been more resilient at the time. But I was so so scared and physically sick over it. The girl was eventually expelled.

Now I'm zero tolerance.

If that’s the case, it’s sad. I do not generally advocate ltb. However, this is a situation about op’s child. And for me, where my child is concerned, her emotional and basic needs come first simply by virtue of her being a child. My dd is also a teenager and was bullied in year 7. I didn’t really consider it bullying at the time as it started with me seeing really controlling behaviour from dd’s best friend, which when I tried to help dd redress. This led to all a chain of events, where the girl and her mother tried to keep that control.

I do not want my dd to restart a friendship with her at the very least whilst she is still a child in part due to her her mother, who was vile about my dd. The girl finally ended up apologising to dd some months later whereas the mother never has and spread lies to other adults about my dd.

In the unlikely event I were to change partners, the girl would not be welcomed into my home because the girl is not good for my child and my home is my child’s safe space. Op’s ds is already battling with not getting on with the partner’s ds but his feelings are also being minimised by 2 out of the 3 other people he lives with. This in itself would make me want to reevaluate the relationship as I could well envision a scenario, where upon the partner’s son could encounter op’s ds whilst with the bullies in question out and about and start actively bullying him. They are already passively bullying him every day in the home by minimising his experiences and what happened to him.

Sorry but no fg way would these kids get in my house! Your GF is OOO doesn't she care about your DS?! Was your SS part of the bullying? If not these kids might be his friend so they can f up your DSs room. Or to carry on goading your DS.
Put your foot down, no sleepover no coming to the house.