My sons bully's are coming for a sleep over

[Clockwise123]

Hi, I desperately need some advice please.
My son was bullied at school and moved schools because of it last year (year 8, age 13). My girlfriends son, same age, is friends with these boys and wants to have them over for his birthday for a sleep over. I do not want them in our home, but my gf insists her son should not miss out.

My son is due to be at his mums, so won't be here. It still doesn't sit right with me though.

We all live together, and share parental responsibility with our children's other parents.

1. How will my son feel knowing they've been in his home? He will say it's OK if I speak to him about it, but that's the way he is. Never wants to make a fuss, or cause any issues.
2. I'm not sure how I will feel having these children in our home, knowing what they did to my son.
3. I could potentially have an issue with my sons mum if/when she finds out that these boys have been in my our home.

I don't want my step son to miss out. It feels really hard to deal with.

It feels like I'm being made to feel like I'm over reacting. The phrase that I keep being told is "it's not all about your son"

Any thoughts or advice? What would you do?

Poor kid, bullies in his safe space. Wouldn't be surprised if he ran away.

Not an absolute chance.. as soon as ss asked his mum she should have said no and it should not have even been asked of you.. if she was any type of gf/stepmum she wouldn't put you or your son in this position! How cheeky I wud b raging at her for even considering it ! 😡

I'm a step mum, i would never let my step kids bullies into my house, and I would not be encouraging my kid to be friends with them either. Stay out for the night op

Sleepover aside, if I discovered my child's father was shacked up with a gf whose son associates with the vile bullies who forced my child to move schools, dismissed it as "banter", and now wants to invite them into my child's home, I would be stopping visitation and taking it back to court. Your son isn't safe in your home. Do you honestly believe that your "stepson" isn't also a bully? If your GF knows the background and doesn't see anything wrong with her demand, then she sounds like a fairytale-esque Evil Stepmother and it's time to give her the boot. Put your son first, not your love life!

This is ludicrous. Why would anyone welcome known bullies into their home? especially if someone close to them has been their victims?

I would really question your girlfriend's common sense and how much respect she has for your kid.

I would actually reconsider the relationship over this. Always put your kid first.

Definitely not. If the sleepover went ahead, this would be relationship over territory for me. In fact I'd be rethinking the relationship anyway given what little regard your gf has for your son.

No, just no. You do not let these bullies in your home.

I cannot understand how your household is functioning.
Your DS has been physically attacked and has had to move schools.
Your GF's DS knows all the people involved and CHOOSES to minimise and deny what your DS has been through. He CHOOSES to stay friends with the bullies.
Your GF is enabling and legitimises all of her son's behaviour.

This all sounds horrible for your DS.
You need to protect him

Sorry to add, I never comment on posts normally but I felt very strongly about this one, for my son has endured extreme bullying himself.

Your son. This is HIS home. It is meant to be his safe space. My answer would be a very strong NO to your gf. She's being selfish and needs to consider your son in all this. How would she feel if it was her boy in his place?

You sound like a great parent. But if she won't consider him and his feelings in this, then your whole relationship needs to be reconsidered.

All the best x

The Op is long gone I would guess as the pretty much unanimous advice is possibly not what he wanted to hear. If he has chosen to prioritise his love life over his DS, let's hope for his sake that the poor boy's DM is loyal to him and that he is supported by at least one parent the way he deserves.

Sometimes, I think that the OP just feels a bit overwhelmed. I know there are quite a few men on MN but they are in the minority so he possibly didn't realise how many responses he would get. And all pretty conclusive.

I don't think we should write him off. He cared enough to ask (even though he shouldn't have to ask) - hopefully this thread has settled it for him. Even better, hopefully he shared it with his GF and told her to fuck off.

It is annoying when posters don't come back though.

Can the sleepover happen at the gf son other parent?

you need to decide on supporting your child or letting your gf bully you into something you don’t consent to.

your son will remember this for a long time and it may harm your relationship with them forever.

would your gf allow bullies in for her child?

stand up for your child

My thoughts are that your son is possibly sharing his home with a bully as they are his core group of friends. Also, if they come to the home they could cause mischief with his belongings or learn more about him that they could then use against him. At the very least, before the sleepover, you need to put a lock on his door and make sure all his belongings are locked in that room. However, even being in the house with them would mean you would have to be welcoming to them which undermines your son so you will probably also need to stay somewhere else that night.

Then, if I were in your shoes I would try and have a frank talk with your son as to how he is getting on with his your girlfriend’s brother. There may be things going on that you do not yet know about. He needs to know that he has your support and can tell you of any problems with your girlfriend’s son.

Finally I would reconsider the relationship with your girlfriend. It is understandable she wants to support her son’s wishes for his birthday but the two of you are now torn with the conflicting needs of your children. I cannot see how your relationship can be sustainable unless she and her son can accept that something serious happened to your son and they need to respect this and work around it. Her son could arrange to meet his ‘bully’ friends outside the house for example and,if it has to be a sleepover, they and your girlfriend could arrange a weekend away in an air bnb or similar (without your or your son).

If these bullies really are that bad though I cannot see how your girlfriend’s son’s association with them won’t have an ongoing impact on your son. You need to get to the bottom of why he is friends with them and what his views are on what happened to your son.

Sorry typo ‘girlfriend’s son’ not brother!

I would say no and I would also see this as a red flag. I would expect my partner to support me. I would also expect her to have a word with her son and explain why they cannot come over.
You need to take a step back and look at the dynamics at play here.

None of this sits well with me !

The lack of support / its not all about your son etc.

\The fact that your son changed schools and now you are prepared to allow them in to one place that he should be free from them is definitely a no !

Your girlfriend is asking too much of you and has no respect for your son.
The fact that your son had to change schools conveys just how seriously he was bullied. Your girlfriend’s and your son are practically stepbrothers. What sort of relationship can they possibly have if the bullies are invited into your home by him or his mother. As other people have pointed out here, I would seriously be looking at my relationship. If your girlfriend can’t see this from your sons point of view is there any real point of staying with her ? I think I’d be giving her an ultimatum. Let your son do something with his friends outside of our home or it’s over.
Your son has clearly suffered enough. Please protect him against your bullying girlfriend.

Hell no.

Nope. This would be a deal breaker for me. If I were your son those people being in my house would make me feel sick and dirty. If my partner couldn't understand that, I wouldn't want to be with them. Prioritise the relationship with your child. If you don't protect him, what does he have? If she doesn't like it she needs to go.

Not as sad as people being judge, jury and executioner for someone’s relationship on the back of a couple of paragraphs on an Internet forum. Only the OP can decide that.

The simple fact that your girlfriend doesn’t see how her son just being friends with these horrible kids as wrong is a red flag to me. She basically condones how they behaved towards your son & doesn't care about your child at all.
You need to let the girlfriend go because she isn’t seeing your family as a unit to protect but two sides to be pitted against one another.

Absolutely not!
Your sons home should always be his safe space. Allowing his bullies into that safe space whether he is there or not, is allowing those feelings of being bullied to come straight back to him.

I would end the relationship.

No they should never be in your home. How can your girlfriend expect to host boys who have treat your son in such a terrible way?! If she still feels her son should be friends with such nasty kids, then let him have the sleepover at his dads home, there’s no way you can welcome them into your sons

Also, her saying “it’s not all about your son” says to me that she doesn’t believe/understand what’s happened, doesn’t feel like a family unit, you and your son might be better out of it

Your gf does not care about your son. It's as simple as that. "It's not all about your son" is so upsetting and so revealing about her true feelings towards him. Ask her what she would be expecting if it was her child who was bullied by them and your son who was their friend. Would they still be welcome? Answer: absolutely not. Se cares more about her child's short term gains than she does about your child's long term suffering. This isn't a 'step mums are trash' response, but it is a this step-mum is trash response and not good for your child's emotional wellbeing. It's enough to make me end the relationship. Show your son that you love him and will never tolerate the bullying he endured. I'm honestly shocked at her lack of compassion. This is a really cruel move on her part. She's a dick.

That would be a deal breaker for me. It would be totally wrong to have them over. If your girlfriend doesn't see what is wrong then I'd be questioning if she was suitable as a partner and step parent.

If I was you're child s mother I'd be looking to change your custody arrangements drastically if this goes ahead and you're mad if you think she won't find out.

Think you need to maintain a backbone and put your child first as no one else will.