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Original poster

My sons bully's are coming for a sleep over

481 replies

Clockwise123 · 16/02/2023 12:38

Hi, I desperately need some advice please.
My son was bullied at school and moved schools because of it last year (year 8, age 13). My girlfriends son, same age, is friends with these boys and wants to have them over for his birthday for a sleep over. I do not want them in our home, but my gf insists her son should not miss out.

My son is due to be at his mums, so won't be here. It still doesn't sit right with me though.

We all live together, and share parental responsibility with our children's other parents.

  1. How will my son feel knowing they've been in his home? He will say it's OK if I speak to him about it, but that's the way he is. Never wants to make a fuss, or cause any issues.
  2. I'm not sure how I will feel having these children in our home, knowing what they did to my son.
  3. I could potentially have an issue with my sons mum if/when she finds out that these boys have been in my our home.

I don't want my step son to miss out. It feels really hard to deal with.

It feels like I'm being made to feel like I'm over reacting. The phrase that I keep being told is "it's not all about your son"

Any thoughts or advice? What would you do?

OP posts:
mrsbitaly · 16/02/2023 12:51

Absolutely not. They must have put your son through hell to have to move schools. It's really poor that your GF is even considering it and asking you to have them over given the circumstances.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 16/02/2023 12:51

Show your son some loyalty and don't have his tormentors into his home.

Makes you wonder what the gf son is saying about his 'step' brother to his mates.

Any apology offered by these horrible people?

Coming to your home is what you offer people you trust.

Oblomov23 · 16/02/2023 12:52

This is just not ok. Your gf's view of it, her primary concern being her son not missing out, shows her lack of depth.

SunshineAndFizz · 16/02/2023 12:52

There's absolutely no way I'd allow those boys in my home.

I wouldn't want to see them, let alone my son.

Your step-son can meet them outside the house if he must.

jannier · 16/02/2023 12:52

Have you sat down as a family and discussed everyone's feelings . Does the gf and her son know the details? Have you asked how they would feel if situation was the other way? I think in a family the injured parties feelings should be respected so I'd lead with his feelings before putting my own.

WhineWhineWINE · 16/02/2023 12:52

If your gf doesn't understand how your son would feel about his tormentors invading what is supposed to be his safe space, then she really isn't much of a gf is she?

Original poster
Clockwise123 · 16/02/2023 12:52

Thank you.

They used to be close.
Gf's son denied any bullying took place when we spoke to him about it. Either said it was just banter, or he didn't see anything.

Son came home from school with ripped clothing, bruises etc..so no doubt in my mind

OP posts:
Ursuladevinia82 · 16/02/2023 12:55

Clockwise123 · 16/02/2023 12:52

Thank you.

They used to be close.
Gf's son denied any bullying took place when we spoke to him about it. Either said it was just banter, or he didn't see anything.

Son came home from school with ripped clothing, bruises etc..so no doubt in my mind

How long have you all lived together

ancientgran · 16/02/2023 12:55

No way in hell would I have them in the house. I'd find it very difficult to feel the same about my partner if they felt this was OK.

changeit221 · 16/02/2023 12:56

Please don't betray your son like this.
If my partner insisted on the bullies coming that would be the end of the relationship for me.
Your son needs you to show him that you put him first. Especially that you have his back in terms of keeping him safe from children who did this to him. There I've no way they should be allowed into his home - whether he is there or not.
Your girlfriend and her child clearly don't give a damn about him. Show him that you do.

TakeMe2Insanity · 16/02/2023 12:56

No! How will your son feel when he finds out? Honestly this is a red flag.

MyriadOfTravels · 16/02/2023 12:56

I’d make plans to leave.

Neither your gf nor her ds show any bits of care for your own dc and you need to protect him.
The sleepover doesn’t sit right to you because it’s not OK! Don’t let anyone try and make you believe it is. Or that you or your ds are making a fuss out if nothing.
If this child is coming for a sleepover when your ds isn’t here, you can expect said bully to turn up at your house next when your ds is there.

Protect your ds.

RomComPhooey · 16/02/2023 12:56

Your poor son. Sounds like you have a ‘step brother’ problem as much as a GF one, minimising what he went through as banter. In your son’s shoes I wouldn’t be happy about living with him. How far are you prepared to go to subordinate your son’s feelings to keep everyone else happy?

thisisyoursign · 16/02/2023 12:56

Massively crossing the line to allow this. They must have caused a considerable amount of anguish/torment for your son that he had to move schools. It must be pretty upsetting for him knowing that the gf’s son is such good friends with them, let alone them stepping foot in his home (whether he is physically there or not).

Lysianthus · 16/02/2023 12:57

Your update has made it so much worse. Your gf is minimising something incredibly important to your son and I feel desperate for him. You cannot allow this sleepover to happen, whether or not your son will be there. I think your relationship (with gf) needs a big rethink too.

Actionstations · 16/02/2023 12:57

Ripped clothes and bruises. No way should they be in his home.

SprungIsSpringing · 16/02/2023 12:57

That's not bullying. That's physical assault.

On one hand you have the risk of a boy who has chosen to be friends with bullies 'missing out' on having a sleepover.

On the other you have a boy who was physically and emotionally injured having to accept having his attackers in his home.

There is no contest at all here. Not having a sleepover is not a deprived childhood. Having to accept your bullies into your home is bloody awful - even if you are not there at the time.

changeit221 · 16/02/2023 12:58

Clockwise123 · 16/02/2023 12:52

Thank you.

They used to be close.
Gf's son denied any bullying took place when we spoke to him about it. Either said it was just banter, or he didn't see anything.

Son came home from school with ripped clothing, bruises etc..so no doubt in my mind

So the girlfriends son bullied him too?
Jesus. What are you thinking??

purplecorkheart · 16/02/2023 12:58

SlipSlidinAway · 16/02/2023 12:49

You all live together but your step son doesn't want to celebrate his birthday with your son? He's going to be at his mum's?

Your step-son is happy to be friends with boys that have seriously bullied your son. Why? Doesn't he have any empathy with your son? Doesn't sound like they have a great relationship.

The suggestion that his bullies are invited into your son's home - whether or not he is present - is outrageous.

Are you certain your ds was not someway involved in the bullying and your son has not told you?

This would be a deal breaker for me in the relationship. The fact your girlfriend is happy to invite your sons bullies into his home is a huge red flag. Your son's home is his safe space.

Do your son and dss share a room? Does she expect your son's bullies to sleep in his bed and for them to use his stuff. Sorry there is no way they would be entering my home.

Your dss can have sleepovers in the others houses and meet up with them outside the house or have a sleepover at this other parent's house.

lopsees · 16/02/2023 13:00

I can't see your relationships surviving if you accept this. Support your son

HauntedPencil · 16/02/2023 13:00

I think this is really not on and it's a hill I would die on. Absolutely no.

Quartz2208 · 16/02/2023 13:00

Have you posted about this before. Because of course you can’t let them in your house and around his things that would be really detrimental to your son

why is your gf son still friends do the boys get on

Iwonder08 · 16/02/2023 13:00

It is bad enough her son is friends with your son's bully, but under no circumstances the bully should be allowed in your house. If your gf doesn't see any issues with her son being friends with the bully it would concern me enough to reconsider the relationship. In this case you have to put your foot down

HyacinthineMacaw · 16/02/2023 13:00

Put your child first, and end this relationship. You should not allow your son’s life to be violated like this. I couldn’t love someone who thought doing this was acceptable, so I am amazed there is any doubt in your mind about what to do here.

Staggersaurus · 16/02/2023 13:01

This where you need to step up and put your son way ahead of your girlfriend.

These kids bullied your son so badly he had to change schools! Where is your anger towards them? Where is your fight for your son? Hell would have to freeze over and then some in order to let my kids bullies over my threshold - regardless of whether my child was in the house or not. I’d be raging at the girlfriend if I was you. She clearly has trivialised it all and has no thought or compassion for your son. You say she shares parental responsibility, if so she is a terrible parent. And her sons choice of friends is very questionable. If his friends bullied your son so badly, is he doing the same? Nice of him not to have your sons back, I’m gathering they don’t have a close relationship.