My sons bully's are coming for a sleep over

[Clockwise123]

Hi, I desperately need some advice please.
My son was bullied at school and moved schools because of it last year (year 8, age 13). My girlfriends son, same age, is friends with these boys and wants to have them over for his birthday for a sleep over. I do not want them in our home, but my gf insists her son should not miss out.

My son is due to be at his mums, so won't be here. It still doesn't sit right with me though.

We all live together, and share parental responsibility with our children's other parents.

1. How will my son feel knowing they've been in his home? He will say it's OK if I speak to him about it, but that's the way he is. Never wants to make a fuss, or cause any issues.
2. I'm not sure how I will feel having these children in our home, knowing what they did to my son.
3. I could potentially have an issue with my sons mum if/when she finds out that these boys have been in my our home.

I don't want my step son to miss out. It feels really hard to deal with.

It feels like I'm being made to feel like I'm over reacting. The phrase that I keep being told is "it's not all about your son"

Any thoughts or advice? What would you do?

Your gf is showing a real lack of emotional intelligence and that would be a concern to me regarding your relationship going forward. If her son MUST have these boys over suggest they all stay at his dad's house if that's feasible.

What about the next time your step son wants them round and it isn't a day your son is at his mums, does he have to vacate his own home to avoid them? Put your foot down on this. If the bullying was so bad that he had to move schools, why on earth would they even be welcome in your home regardless of whether your son was there?

Your sons home is supposed to be a safe space for him. Inviting his bullies into that space is breaking trust in your relationship with him, letting him down and sending a message to those bullies that their behaviour is acceptable. The other issue here is your girlfriends attitude toward your child - she is advocating for her son number one, she is also telling you that your son comes down that list and his needs do not matter as much as her sons needs. That will not change. Who in your house is putting your sons needs first? Lastly, I would re-examine the fact that your girlfriends son was oblivious to any bullying - that sounds like pure fiction

OP?

absolutely not !!! 1st of all the gf son needs teaching a lesson on family loyalty why is he even friends with these kids his mother shouldn't be allowing this and isn't teaching her kid right from wrong. the home is his safe place and 2 people living under that roof are betraying him already don't add to it !! you'll find this child wants to stay more and more with mum and less and less with you soon if you do not put your foot down ! your gf is a moron see the red flags please !! i'm a step parent there's no way any of our kids would treat each there like this or that i would allow any of them to think its ok or allow something like this to go on !! she doesn't see your son as an equal to hers and that is a huge issue ! you cant tell me your sons mother doesn't have an issue with this i'd be hitting the roof !!

Clearly not coming back

Not only would I point blank refuse, id be wondering how amazingly close your two sons are.

Cos either they put on a front to you both, or he lacks loyalty, empathy, or both. I mean, your son moved schools! I'm sure that didn't happen overnight. I can imagine the lengths you went to, to prevent such a disruptive move. I can guess how relentless the bully's were,in and out of school.

So no. Absolutely fucking not. Ask your partner if she could host those boys if they'd caused all that upset for her son. Feed them, smile politely, extend real hospitality? Would she not expect the family to stand together? One for all and all for one? Cos if she denies that, she's either delusional, or the reason why your step son lacks empathy.

This thread has made it into the newspaper.

I wonder which one

<rolls eyes>

The more I read about this the more infuriated it makes me. The poor son is having to live with people who gaslight him about being cruelly bullied then the same bullies are being allowed into his own home.
OP if you are reading this grow a backbone and a set of balls and put your son first, even if it means getting rid of the girlfriend and her son.

Nope nada aint happening I'd be safeguarding my son first and foremost It IS all about him

Yes

Which one?

OP's GF, is that you?!

Seriously, what is wrong with you?! This isn't just a playground spat, the poor kid had to go through the upheaval of moving schools because the bullying was so serious! That isn't a decision made lightly because of a bit of banter! Then you have GF not only failing to read her son the riot act about why he shouldn't associate with nasty bullies, but she is fighting her DS's corner using gaslighting techniques to allow them into their victim's home?! The home she and her son share with the victim, their stepson/stepbrother! Yes, it is only a snippet of their lives, but if you can't see what's wrong with that scenario and how it makes the relationship completely untenable, you need to have a close look at yourself. Yes, only OP can decide whether to end the relationship, but surely any decent parent would put their own child's physical and mental wellbeing above a GF/BF?!

The journalist "OP" has just received his/her bonus for their clickbait thread!

If the OP felt that the relationship wasn't worth the effort and that it was totally incompatible with his role as a parent then it would be pretty simple for him and he'd just end it with her. And he wouldn't need any advice because its straight forward.

The fact that he's come on here asking for advice on how best to deal with it suggests that he wants to both maintain his relationship and protect his son. Every post is going 'just dump her, she's horrible' etc. Thats not providing him with anything practical to go off if he wants to both keep his relationship and also help his son. Not surprised he hasn't bothered to reply.

Your home is your sons safe space. To allow them into this space is to take that away from him.

What a betrayal of your son if these vile boys come within a mile of your place. You need to seriously have a word with yourself about your relationship with your girlfriend. That would have killed any feelings for her stone dead. And as for her shit of a son minimising the actual bullying, I couldn't bear to have the lying little cunt under my roof.

You cannot allow this to happen. If your GF amd stepson can't see the issue then I would also consider ending the relationship

As others have said... I would be more concerned at this stage that your stepson is hanging out with violent bullies, even if he doesn't seem to engage in the same behaviour. Does your girlfriend not believe your son was bullied or does she believe HER son that it wasn't those boys?

Personally I would struggle in my relationship with my partner at this stage because I would see it as a lack of respect for what my child went through.

You could argue she's entitled to prioritise her own child - absolutely true - but again, in that case I don't see how the relationship is sustainable, no matter who is in the right.

I think MN is discussing this in an empty room. Nearly 500 replies and the OP has not popped back after making themselves a cup of tea and finding the biscuits……….

You mean after writing "his" article for the paper.

Oh, that’s what they were doing! I thought they might have taken the dog out for a very very long walk.😁Or have been revarnishing the sitting room floor , accidentally cornered themselves and had to wait 24 hours for the varnish to dry.

It IS all about your son because she should care that both children feel safe and that both adults in the home can be trusted to have their best interests at heart - ALWAYS. The very fact that she said this means she doesn't care for both children equally - always a bad sign in a relationship because it signals selfishness.

This would be a major issue for me. You say you, your GF and your respective former partners share parental responsibility and yet she refers to "...your son".

I would be seriously reflecting on the healthiness of your relationship