My child is one of the unpopular kids

[workiskillingme]

As much as it pains me to admit it my 7 year old boy is not popular amongst his peers and he's starting to notice and it's breaking my heart
He has been invited to a couple of parties since they started school three years ago and is never asked for a play date. The teacher has never reported any issues of him being mean to other children , he doesn't smell he's clean and he's a happy chap generally
I just don't understand why nobody wants to be his friend and it's very upsetting

Have you tried inviting friends over?
Be really relaxed and have a pizza and popcorn Friday after school, Do one a month, rotate the friends, boys and girls!

I understand.

Both mine struggled with friendships. Dd1's conversation was always a bit off kilter, DD2 was emotionally less mature and less articulate. It's heartbreaking.

For you DS it could just be luck there is no one he clicks with. Does he do any clubs to make friends there?

Are his interests in line with the other boys? Things can be quite boy-girl separated at that age.

Imo he needs outside clubs to broaden his friendship opportunities..

Yes we have
Often it's excuses or we are blanked

Can I ask what it is that makes you think he's unpopular? Is it something he himself has said, or is it just the lack of parties/play dates?
Do you have many "mum friends" from his class? Has he been at the school since reception or preschool?
The reason I ask is that my daughter has friends at school that she loves and talks about all the time, but their parents are never around at the gates for me to chat to and say "oh do you fancy doing something with the kids this weekend?" Most of the parties have been get togethers at people's houses and it can feel a bit odd to invite a parent you've never met when it's only a few kids!

Talk to teacher. Ask her what she suggests.

Ah, it's such a worry isn't it. Is there anything specific that could be off putting to other children (be as ruthlessly objective as you can)?Or perhaps your DS is just a bit quirky or quiet and hasn't found his tribe yet?

Try not to worry too much (I know that's easier said than done). My DS definitely wasn't popular in primary, and although he was an adorable boy I objectively could see that he could be a bit uptight, didn't find it easy to take a joke, just generally a bit too intense at times. He got invited to parties but didn't manage to make proper friendships.

He's 15 now and has matured so much. He's actually very too laid back, has a great bunch of mates, a girlfriend, and apparently has a reputation for being rather popular with the girls. I would NOT have predicted that at 7!

We have a class WhatsApp group but I know some people have branched off and do their own things (never been invited)
I once asked in that group if anyone was going to a certain event and was blanked. When I got there a group of them were there and their kids playing together
I'm just sick of always feeling like me and my son aren't good enough. I've spoke to the teacher who isn't much help at all

That is extremely upsetting, I feel for you.

i think I’d take the approach of ramping up your family activities - outings, swimming trips, cinema, games nights, etc, and inviting your own family and friends round frequently - in short, try to make your own home and your own family life a place that is full of fun and activity…

… at least this way you are in the driving seat, not dependent on other people’s reactions or initiatives…

Your DS sounds lovely, hope things will fall into place for him.

Ah, that’s hard.

Does he play with other children in the playground and talk about school friends? I wonder him not being invited on play dates is different to what happens during school?

In primary, the parents drive everything and he might be overlooked out of school. Not to be harsh, but it might be “you” if you are not in with the mums. Not that it’s your fault! I say this because my DS is a sociable boy and has good friends in school. He certainly talks about them and the teacher says so. But he rarely gets invited places. I put this down to us moving here from London and while he fits in really well, as a family we aren’t part of the scene. I find that parents and kids all know each other, socialise together and often the parents were at school with each other. I’m not from this town and not part of the school gate mums crowd and so DS gets overlooked as they are stuck in their bubble.

I do more clubs and other extra curricular stuff with DS that doesn’t involve kids from his class. He’s in a sports team, doing really well and has good pals.

My DD has never been very popular. Friendship groups have formed around her but she sort of floats about herself quite happily
Have had 1/2 friends over but doesn't really get invited back
Rarely invited to parties or sleepovers
She's quiet but also quite mature and says that some girls in her class are immature
She's also obsessed with horses so I think he others can't relate to her that way
She's very polite and doesn't argue so it's not that
Spent many hours pondering but as I've been told, she's happy so I stopped worrying

You need to reframe your thinking so that you a) develop a thicker skin b) project confidence and c) don't project your insecurities onto your son. Eg you were not necessarily 'blanked' (deliberately ignored) by what's app group, maybe they were busy, hadn't finalised their plans yet, whatever. If you can lead with confidence and engage the adults in friendly chit chat your son will pick up that attitude. Remember: I'm OK and you're OK!

Oh sorry. I always network ++ at the school gate, especially in infants as this is when groups are formed.

I would go back to the teacher and ask for 3-4 names of children who are also a little isolated. Then put a note in their book bag or message via WhatsApp if theirs a class one. Grow a thick skin, but eventually you might make a match. Just before school holidays can be good, obviously some might be away.

Id also get him on the list for cubs as that is very inclusive.
Or another hobby, eg a martial art. I have also made friends this way- eg suggested taking them to tea in a pub /cafe after. If it’s a ‘no’ fair enough, but there’s an awful lot of people happy to make more friends.

Awww it's so hard.

I never really gelled with parents because I worked (LP) so ds went with ASC and breakfast club from local centre.

And when I tried - like you - I felt blanked.

My ds is also autistic so struggles with friendships.

However - my ds joined a sports club. I've made loads of friends through that and lots through my work and although it came later they've become friendships that have lasted all through secondary and now he's 18.

I often think those primary heat friendships fizzle out and so hope eventually I've ended up better off!

@dontknowwhatisbest this sounds like my DS intense, a bit uptight but adorable. He is 11 now and I can see that girls are starting to notice him. He gets on well with them and they like him. Although he is at a boys school.

That sounds tough OP, I didn’t realise you had tried and were being blanked, some people just don’t like letting newbies in!
I guess as others have said, join sports clubs etc… out of school and be proactive as a family so you don’t have to rely on the school mums.
Does your son say he doesn’t have friends in school? You may find that the kids are fine, it’s the mums!!!!

What are your friendships like OP?

Kids often model these behaviours, and unfortunately many on MN are unpopular themselves (hence the reliance on a forum for advice) so then have children unable to make friends well too.

Parents often forget you need to teach children how to make good conversation, be an active listener, be friendly, outgoing, encourage friendships from the side.

Have you done any of this?

Does he have a decent haircut and presentable clothes?

Any disgusting habits? Throat clearing etc.

Maybe explain about conversations - taking turns. Being interested in what people are saying rather than just waiting for your turn to say something. Does he speak at a normal pace? Being cheerful or trying to sound cheerful is probably more appealing

Does he behave badly to girls - I mean more is he awkward or saying inappropriate things.

Does he stand over close to people?

Does he have an obsessive interest that he bores people to tears with?

Can you have a word with the teacher to see if she has any suggestions?

I think he is more likely to make friends if he's involved in some activity. Church based activities tend to be more inclusive. Or a sports club. Or learning coding or playing chess.

Is he interacting with children who are possibles? If he is trying to angle his way into the most popular cliques he is probably going to be disappointed.

I was not popular as a child so I do sympathise. I was a very plain teenager who was swotty. When I got to university I had grown out my dreadful haircut, got contact lenses, had my teeth fixed, waxed my legs (after years of my mother insisting that once you started shaving you had to keep it up so I had yeti like legs) had my dreadful acne brought under control by a dermatologist and stopped my mother knitting me jerseys. It made me see people as fairly shallow because I was the same person but suddenly men were dropping books and racing up to chat to me.

I agree kids need to be taught social skills. If parents have friends and socialise together then children learn from their example.

If it’s just lack of party invites/play dates that makes him feel unpopular, I wouldn’t worry too much. Play dates at that age can be very cliquey, only kids of the parents who are friends get invited, the kids don’t always get much chance to invite a kid who isn’t in the parents clique. 🙄
But if he’s feeling like he doesn’t have friends to play with at school, that’s different and the teacher/pastoral team should help if you speak to them.

Dc1 is 8 and not in the popular clique in his class but his teacher says he is liked by all. It’s a small village school. However it doesn’t seem to bother him, he isn’t into sports like many of them. He goes to Beavers, now cubs which he loves and has made a few friends there. He does a few seasonal clubs too and has no issues going along and talking to others. We socialise, a few of the mums & I go out each term for dinner & drinks but our kids just don’t share the same interests. He is very much an introvert. They all head off to different secondary schools so expect it to change. I dislike school cliques, parents can be the worst.

Are you regularly at the school gate chatting to other parents? Because DD(10) has yet to go on a playdate with a parent I don't know personally. She's occasionally suggested other friends, but I don't necessarily have their contact details, and I wouldn't be thrilled at her going to the house of a stranger. I appreciate that many parents have to work, so can't do drop off/pick up, but from my experience, parental relationships drive playdate invitations.

Aw OP- I really feel for you, and him. Is he shy? I was chronically shy at school and was never one of the popular kids ever- I was bullied and teased and ostracized. However, when I went to secondary school I made three really close lovely friends and we are still friends 25 years later whilst most of the school bullies scattered to the wind and ended up in dead end jobs. I now have a fantastic group of friends and an amazing social life and have started my own business. I know that doesnt help you right now but just wanted to give hope that it wont always be like this and it doesnt mean things cant change drastically with time. Your son sounds lovely x

Is it him that's "unpopular"? Or is it just that other Mums don't know you; or you have a large dog, no garden, a smoker/drinker in the house.

Maybe it’s the school? My son wasn’t popular at the local village school and didn’t fit in. Turns out it was just a bit villagey for him. Moved him to the rougher school down the road and bingo! He finally found his crowd 😂. He’s at secondary school now and has loads of friends, I think the village school was a bit too posh for him 🤦‍♀️.