Page 7 | My child is one of the unpopular kids

workiskillingme · 2023-01-20T15:34:52+00:00

As much as it pains me to admit it my 7 year old boy is not popular amongst his peers and he's starting to notice and it's breaking my heart He has been invited to a couple of parties since they started school three years ago and is never asked for a play date. The teacher has never reported any issues of him being mean to other children , he doesn't smell he's clean and he's a happy chap generally I just don't understand why nobody wants to be his friend and it's very upsetting

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Cuppasoupmonster · 21/01/2023 15:20

Phewthatwasclose · 21/01/2023 15:16

I don't know - PP was blunt, sure, but to be honest, autism was my first thought too (in every similar case I've come across, that turned out to be case in the end).

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Every unpopular child has autism? Is this where we are now? Really?

Phewthatwasclose · 21/01/2023 15:44

Cuppasoupmonster · 21/01/2023 15:20

Every unpopular child has autism? Is this where we are now? Really?

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No of course not - as PPs say sometimes a child is just the wrong fit for the class, or other parents have been friends for ages etc.

But I work in the field have seen lots of similar cases - lovely, friendly, high achieving kids who other kids just don't quite 'get'. By secondary school they (the ones I've been involved with) often get an autism diagnoses. So maybe my 'radar' is pinging overtime - apologies if so.

In any case, there are a lot of helpful suggestions in the thread that that would apply to both NT and ND kids.....

Prinnny · 21/01/2023 16:46

I think it will be, in part, due to the lack of effort you’ve made with the other mums. I would require some level of relationship with someone before I allowed my child to go for a play date, most of the other parents have probably built this over the last three years, parks trips after school, supervised play dates in reception, a weekend day trip out somewhere etc

piscosours · 21/01/2023 16:53

@Phewthatwasclose I completely agree with you. I have also worked with ND children and their parents for many years and it's often an early first sign that other kids just don't get them. And perhaps that their parents just don't get the parent either. It's not that it's definite it's just that my ND radar is going off just like yours. People can get on their high horse about it but I'd love the OP to come back in 20 years and tell us how it panned out

Original poster

workiskillingme · 21/01/2023 17:17

My son is 100% not autistic
He's ridiculous neurotypical

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Original poster

workiskillingme · 21/01/2023 17:19

piscosours · 21/01/2023 16:53

@Phewthatwasclose I completely agree with you. I have also worked with ND children and their parents for many years and it's often an early first sign that other kids just don't get them. And perhaps that their parents just don't get the parent either. It's not that it's definite it's just that my ND radar is going off just like yours. People can get on their high horse about it but I'd love the OP to come back in 20 years and tell us how it panned out

I've also worked in this field for many many years...

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Revengeofthepangolins · 21/01/2023 17:47

Haven't read all, it did a lot of the parents already know each other? If there are lots of younger subs in the class for instance, there c a be a tendency for the school gate to be full of parents who already know each other, and that can make it hard to get this sort of thing going.

There ar eexepxtions of course, but I have generally found 7 year old boys to have highly undeveloped social sense/ lives, such that play dates are driven by parental connections.

2023istheyearigetmyacttogether · 21/01/2023 17:51

It might not be him, it might be his peers! DS was never popular at his primary school and I didn't know why - he's a nice kid, I made sure he always had the right trading cards, whatever the "in" toy and so on was, he did the same clubs and I made sure play dates at ours were fun. Whilst I didn't understand why he wasn't popular, I also felt as though there didn't seem to be any boys like him.
We moved as he started Yr5 and suddenly he was the most popular boy in the school! At first, I thought it was a novelty thing and it would wear off as they got to know him but he's now in Yr6 and they're sorting out rooms for their residential and the teacher told me he's been listed by more boys than anyone else. He's got a core gang of about half a dozen friends, then there's another couple of groups of a similar who he likes & they like him. I can't work out what the difference is between the boys at the first school and the second school is but this lot seem more like him somehow.
It's bizarre as DD (DC1) was at the first school all through primary and had loads of friends from day one. I know some of the girls who would have been in her year had she gone to this second school and I don't think she would have fitted in at all!

LolaMoon · 21/01/2023 18:11

Phewthatwasclose · 21/01/2023 15:16

I don't know - PP was blunt, sure, but to be honest, autism was my first thought too (in every similar case I've come across, that turned out to be case in the end).

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What nonsense. I know plenty of adults who hated primary school, struggled to make friends and as soon as they went to secondary school, they made loads of great friends. Primary school friendships come and go- they reflect the emotional maturity level of the kids involved, very few people are still best friends with their primary school bestie for this exact reason. When I was at primary school- many kids were just simply shy, some were poorer and were bullied for that reason, some were just very self sufficient, one poor kid in my class was ridiculed for their ethnicity/religion - none of them had autism.

WinterFoxes · 21/01/2023 18:28

workiskillingme · 20/01/2023 21:18

He is working at a higher level than a lot of his peers

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It could be as simple as this. Not jealousy, just he is operating at a different level, so they don;t quite 'get' him. That was what DS1 had. He made a couple of friends - one in the year above and they ended up being exceptionally bright too. It is a sort of neurodiversity, in the sense that most kids aren't on that wavelength. It's the sort of thing that sorts itself out in the right school and as they get older.

MintJulia · 21/01/2023 18:40

My ds isn't one of the popular boys either. It started because he doesn't like football. He spends his lunchtimes reading while the others kick a ball about. He gets on fine with his class mates but doesn't have a 'partner in crime' which worried me for a while.

He has friends at karate & swimming, outside of school. And he's happy & doing well so I stopped worrying about it.

downtonupton · 21/01/2023 23:52

my kids at primary school were like this - I was rubbish at making school mum friends - DD was fine in primary school, not massively popular but fund friends then in secondary school and mostly came through unscathed (odd falling out etc and things fell apart at 6th form - but that is another post). She is adult and has friends, boyfriend, works and doesn't mix with anyone she went to school with.

DS was very unpopular at primary school - bullied, sad and only really had one friend. We tried and were blanked, he was never invited to parties or playdates etc.

He joined beavers/cubs which gave him friends out of school. They were the ones invited to his birthday parties and who's Mum's I made friends with - and he was invited to their parties.

He went to Secondary school and found his place - he is in a popular group - nice kids - he is 15 (Y11) has a great social life, friends, goes to a youth theatre group and has made friends there too.

Some kids just don't gel in their schools and need to find where they belong. Although a perfectly good primary school - clearly there were no natural friends for him - but he found them in secondary school.

It is heartbreaking to see when your child is sad - but there should hopefully be a change when he moves on.

I would recommend finding something he likes out of school to make friends at.

Nooriginalusername23 · 22/01/2023 00:06

Summerlark · 20/01/2023 16:30

Does he have a decent haircut and presentable clothes?

Any disgusting habits? Throat clearing etc.

Maybe explain about conversations - taking turns. Being interested in what people are saying rather than just waiting for your turn to say something. Does he speak at a normal pace? Being cheerful or trying to sound cheerful is probably more appealing

Does he behave badly to girls - I mean more is he awkward or saying inappropriate things.

Does he stand over close to people?

Does he have an obsessive interest that he bores people to tears with?

Can you have a word with the teacher to see if she has any suggestions?

I think he is more likely to make friends if he's involved in some activity. Church based activities tend to be more inclusive. Or a sports club. Or learning coding or playing chess.

Is he interacting with children who are possibles? If he is trying to angle his way into the most popular cliques he is probably going to be disappointed.

I was not popular as a child so I do sympathise. I was a very plain teenager who was swotty. When I got to university I had grown out my dreadful haircut, got contact lenses, had my teeth fixed, waxed my legs (after years of my mother insisting that once you started shaving you had to keep it up so I had yeti like legs) had my dreadful acne brought under control by a dermatologist and stopped my mother knitting me jerseys. It made me see people as fairly shallow because I was the same person but suddenly men were dropping books and racing up to chat to me.

🙄

DaVariance · 22/01/2023 13:21

I remember sitting on the bench at break at primary school happily minding my own business when another girl sat next to me, we struck up a conversation and became best friends just like that. I was in Yr 5 or 6.

Hopefully fate will intervene at some point and he'll find someone that suits him

Aria999 · 22/01/2023 13:44

I don't know @workiskillingme

This is kind of us, though we don't have a class WhatsApp group. But DS was 2 weeks late starting at the school and we didn't get invited to the dummer 'meet the other parents' events so there is a definite feeling that the others know each other and I don't.

Also DS doesn't get invited to many parties and it's clear there are several he was not invited to.

However I just held a birthday party for him and it went really well, 9 other kids came, they all seemed to be real friends who like him, they all had a great time, I got to chat to the parents a bit and it felt fine.

So actually I think it's ok for us. Is your DS actively unhappy about it?

FlowaPowar · 22/01/2023 14:15

Time to join clubs like beavers/ scouts?

Mutleygirl · 11/02/2023 19:03

My eldest son at primary school although popular was marked as the naughty boy which he may well have been .. he was quite stubborn .. as soon as he went to secondary school that label vanished and he made a wonderful group of friends .. little kids change a lot and who is unpopular at 7 may be the coolest kid at 13 .. I agree with some of the previous posts sometimes cliquey mummy groups make the friends they want

My child is one of the unpopular kids

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