My child is one of the unpopular kids

[workiskillingme]

As much as it pains me to admit it my 7 year old boy is not popular amongst his peers and he's starting to notice and it's breaking my heart
He has been invited to a couple of parties since they started school three years ago and is never asked for a play date. The teacher has never reported any issues of him being mean to other children , he doesn't smell he's clean and he's a happy chap generally
I just don't understand why nobody wants to be his friend and it's very upsetting

and unfortunately many on MN are unpopular themselves

😳 I sort of both laughed and gasped at the same time at that.

Hi OP, we were new to the area when DS started school so I was really proactive in inviting loads of class friends over for playdates.

Thick skin, big smile, didn't care if I got blanked or refused, no hard feelings, just asked the next person on the list...

We also do a sports club where there are non-school friends, who I also invite over to ours, and chat to people in playgrounds/out and about, and I'm quick to swap numbers and follow up with an invite.

Every couple of months I'll invite a group over, parents and kids, so halloween, xmas time/new years, feb half term, Easter egg painting and hunting, etc etc.

We have made good friends this way by casting a wide net and not sweating when it doesn't work out - not a lot of pressure on one 'special' friendship, etc.

If any of that sounds possible for you then that's a good way to go. I agree that you being friendly and warm, but also resilient when a friendship fizzles out, is all good modelling for your DS.

Really hope things improve for him, best wishes.

@MadeInChorley this is totally me!

As PP have said, establish plenty of chances for him to play with children outside school - cubs or scouts, football or rugby or drama club, tech club - anything he genuinely enjoys.

Tell the teacher and ask if there is any other child with a similar issue as you will invite them over for a playdate. Make sure any playdates are good fun - nice food, good TV or gaming.

It happened to both of mine. One turned out to be autistic - high functioning, but quirky enough for other children to not 'get' him, and the other was incredibly geeky and the other children just weren't interested in the stuff he loved. It affected both of them in different ways but they always knew they were loved at home, and always had plenty of fun things to do with us and with any kids we could get to hang out with them for a while.

Long term, it's fine - they both have excellent friendship groups at uni (as geeky kids often do in later life.) Make sure he always has fun stuff to do at weekends with family - and do things like go to the park or swimming as he might bump into someone there. Don't overplay it. Take him seriously if it gets him down but don;t turn it into an issue, in case that reinforces the idea there's something wrong with him.

If it persists, look closely at what sort of school to send him to next and try to find one with other children who are more similar to him.

I was like this as a kid. Still me now. I have a generally happy life. I’m just not most people’s cup of tea. tend to make friends with people who are a bit quirky and introverted. It has upset me at times in work when I’ve realised I’m still having issues like I did in school. Nevertheless, it’s not because I’m a bad person or they don’t like me- I’m just a bit of a socially awkward closed book until I get to know people really well, I can’t manage the small talk steps that you have to take to get to know people. It’s not a bad thing though, I don’t have lots of friends but the ones I do have are very dear to me.

Maybe you could enrol him in a club that aligns with his interests? He might meet friends who he has more in common with.

Does he play with children at school?

My ds8 has 1 friend that he sees outside of school and he doesn’t get invited to other parties/play dates etc. Some children seem to have loads of play dates/parties and others just not so much. He does clubs after school and makes friends wherever we go, and I know he has lots of friends at school because I work there and I see him! But he just never gets invited to things outside of school, no idea why. He seems completely unbothered by this at the moment.

Im just trying to say that’s it’s possible to have friends and be happy without having parties and play dates, I’m not clear if that’s the situation with your son or if he’s saying that he doesn’t play with anyone in school either?

Are you and DH sociable - were you the popular ones at school?

It’s true, there was even a post on AIBU a couple months back with everyone admitting they were the weird kid at school.

Forums often attract those who struggle with friendships IRL, for obvious reasons.

many on MN are unpopular themselves (hence the reliance on a forum for advice)

Ha! Does that include you @Cheesetoastiesz ?

I don’t post for advice, come for the drama

Mine are all out of primary now but I noticed that if the mums were friends then their kids would be chosen to go back home for tea and parties regardless of who their kid played with at school. It was the same for all of mine.

Because you’re unpopular and don’t get opportunity for drama IRL? 😅

unfortunately my friendship groups are drama free and supportive so this is my only outlet! Although peanut is also good for passive drama (but nothing compares to MN)

My kid had this problem. I networked like a bastard at the school gate. Some mums tried to blank me and I was ruthless in my friendliness, inviting every kid in the class for playdates until they had to let me in to their cliques. Also joined rainbows, dancing, acting groups etc. My kid eventually got a good group of friends. They are grown up now, still a bit of a loner, but happy with their partner and few close friends.

Are there really unpopular children at 7? Barring behavioural problems (and even those don't seem to put the other kids of in DS's class)?

There are definitely children who socialise more outside of school, which is 100% down to parental friendships and networking. But when I have spent days with the class on trips, I notice that all the children mingle well when parental input is removed. I would guess the OP's child is perfectly well liked, if not a social butterfly.

My DS1 was like this. It broke my heart because he was the sweetest, kindest boy. We think it's likely he has Aspergers - he was absolutely guileless and trusting and this did not serve him well. People liked him, I think, but he certainly wasn't the cool one to have in the friendship circle [and is dyspraxic so no good at sports]. But you only need one or two friends who really have your back and you'll be OK. I think. Another friend whose son has similar issues has insisted on him learning an instrument because getting into musical groups can lead to lovely, non-aggressive friendships. Might this be a possibility? Mostly, though, I wanted to send solidarity and sympathy, because watching your child mind is just a horrible feeling xxx

@SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain

Im sorry but that just sounds sad but each to their own. I wouldn’t beg it for anyone and I think my kids model that. If someone doesn’t want to be your friend then so be it, move on! That just sounds very beggy and I don’t care how persistent you were with me at the school gates I would think you was a bit of a weirdo to be honest. Thankfully my kids are now at a school whereby they make their own friends and parental meddling is kept to a minimum. I sure as hell don’t miss the village school.

We’re all unpopular apart from you. I get ya. Have fun with your ‘friends’. Cough cough. 😂

It was a nasty comment to OP and completely unnecessary.

Try and get him to Cubs/Scouts, they can be really good with them

@HollTrunt

She definitely hasn’t got lots of friends. You have to be a nice person for that 😂.

Did you not have unpopular kids at school when you were 7?

I can remember at primary our school had to install a friendship bus stop because there was one girl in our class who just could not make friends (she was a bit odd) and that had to be installed when we were 6/7.

On MN there seems to be a theme of denying weird children exist, but they certainly do.

Someone is a little sensitive.

I also didn’t say everyone on MN, maybe it’s your lack of reading skills that is hampering your social life IRL.

It’s quite a basic, well understood fact that online forums attract those who struggle socially, and users on the most part will fall into that category, not all, but the majority

Not at all.

I’ve never found it hard to make friends or be invited to things, but I’m socially a bit lazy, so I’ve had the same friends since school and I feel like other people give up on me eventually 😬

I can also be more honest on here than IRL which appeals.

My mum was a social phobic who hated people knocking on the door, had strange and arbitrary rules about who could contact her and when.. a
MN cliche basically she was very false in her interactions with people, not sure why. I remember her being outraged when a mum who lived down the road invited my younger siblings round for a play date after tea and to JOIN THEM FOR A ROAST DINNER! I mean anyone else would’ve been fucking delighted, not my mum - she was all ‘how dare she interfere with our evening plans, I’ve made dinner already thank you’

It definitely rubbed off on my older sis who is the same, and my other sister to some degree. Both seem to find friendships very hard work and are never really sincere with anyone bar first degree family.

@Cheesetoastiesz first post was a lot more bluntly put than I would have phrased it, but I think the general advice was good and helpful and the posters circling round her and cawing that she must not have any friends are kind of proving the original point.