Page 9 | Is My Brothers GF a Creep or Am I a B???

mombee99 · 2022-12-31T03:35:14+00:00

My (37F) bother (39M) has a live-in GF (42) who moved across the country to be with him 3 years ago. She basically gave up her last chance to have kids when she did this as my brother's never wanted kids and I know it's been really hard for her. Since the first time she met me, she's been talking about how much she wants to spend time and get close to my boys (5 & 12). Since she's arrived, she would often invite my kids to spend time with her/them...I know this is all her and nothing to do with my brother as he's not a kids person. Usually I'd make an excuse and that would be that. She's not a bad person but she is someone I don't fully trust to understand or respect boundaries - just a combination over time of her not seeming to understand social norms and boundaries especially around my kids. She asks overly serious and personal questions about me and my children at times that I find intrusive and rude. That she assumes as my bother's GF she automatically has a relationship with my children really rubs me the wrong way. My kids have been through a tough divorce and there are ongoing custody issues currently so I'm not even sure if I want them getting "close" to someone who isn't even legally family. I don't know that it's fair to them, if she weren't to stay in the picture long term (which is my suspicion). At this point, they have no strong bond or connection with her (she's not even especially fun around them tbh - she's fairly serious even towards kids). For context, they do have grandparents and other aunts/uncles who spend lots of time with them and spoil them ...so it's not as if they don't have family. For awhile she stopped asking so much and I relaxed. A couple months ago though she told me she's been protecting her heart by not seeing them - as it's a reminder she doesn't have her own kids...but that she's decided she doesn't want to live like that and now wants to make my kids a "priority". I was as blunt as I \*thought\* I needed to be and texted "my priority is for my children to spend time with their family if they're going to be socializing with anyone" - to my surprise, she didn't understand at all. She kept texting back "What do you mean by family? Like group hang outs with everyone? What do you mean "family"?" etc...I didn't even know what to say at that point and largely ignored. Then at Christmas, she wanted them to come for a sleepover on the 23rd...I was incredulous and said so she wants them to sleep over Christmas Eve Eve?? The one Christmas holiday weekend I have off from work to celebrate with my kids?? She texted back okay and to let her know if things change and "it can work". Then tonight she texted that going forward "she'd love to be closer to the boys and have sleepovers every few months". Would I be out of line if I told her that I don't feel comfortable having my boys getting "close" to someone not legally in the family? (Although to be honest, I wouldn't be comfortable even if she were legal family). Otherwise - what should I do or say???

Anactor · 31/12/2022 13:04

Run, do not walk.

Yes, sexual abuse by women is rare. It still happens. Your instincts are screaming at you that you can’t trust this woman. Listen to them. They’re trying to protect your kids.

The worst that can happen if you refuse to let her do sleepovers is that she’ll think you’re unreasonable. The worst that can happen if you allow her to spend time alone with your kids, after she’s already sent another responsible adult away - is the unthinkable.

SchnauzerEyebrows · 31/12/2022 13:05

Imagine if your brother was your sister and her boyfriend was asking for sleepovers with your kids....

Liz1tummypain · 31/12/2022 13:10

She is dealing with issues over childlessness and it's not your responsibility to give her this therapy or whatever. That said, I think it could be nice for you to ask her round when brother and girlfriend can come round to your place to spend some time with the kids. She clearly sees herself as a wannabee aunt to them. That's all I've got. Good luck, OP.

SchnauzerEyebrows · 31/12/2022 13:13

mombee99 · 31/12/2022 06:03

Ok. I think the thing that started making me really question things was this: 1.5 years ago I was stuck without childcare for an hour while I went to work for a late shift (I’m a nurse). GF is always asking to babysit so when she found out needed an hour coverage she offered and I agreed for the first time out of necessity. She showed up and immediately told me she’d felt sick all day (during a COVID spike and not the first time she’d shown up around my kids knowingly sick when I’d made clear please don’t come around my family if your symptomatic and we’d ended up sick afterwards - this had happened twice so already didn’t trust that aspect of her). I was annoyed by this but had no real choice in the moment. It was only an hour until my mom arrived…my kids were used too my mom at bedtime. My mom was meant to stay and put them to bed until I got home. GF said she’d be happy to stay the entire shift but as my youngest wasn’t used to her or she him and she’d already said she felt sick - I told her ‘no worries’ and as much as I appreciated it, it would be better for someone my youngest was used to putting him to sleep. I went to work. An hour and a half later my mom texted to say GF had sent her home after she showed up at the door. I’d specifically told GF I wanted my mom to finish the night and the reasons why. When I did get home late that night (9hrs), I found our youngest had had a hard time going to bed (not surprising as they weren’t used to each other or the bedtime routine). GF had also drawn her “height” onto the wall where I only measure my kids heights over the years and taken a book off the bookshelf and told me as she was leaving she was “going to borrow it”. The last things minor for sure - but in my family/ friend culture unusual without asking - especially after she’d specifically ignored my twice telling her I’d prefer my mom take care of the boys for the night once she arrived. This is one example of small (or big) boundaries I’m speaking too. I recognize I’m an introvert but these personally aren’t the sort of things I’m used to having to deal with. Maybe others are. (For quick background - we don’t have the type of family/ friend background that’s super outspoken - it’s a bit more British/ Northern European so “telling it like it is” or saying exactly how you feel - can be considered rude- it’s usually more about what’s not said which is why I’m at a loss someone’s not picking what I’m not saying up - and how exactly do I say that directly then?)

My god I would NEVER have spoken to her again if she did that to my Mum. Wow

Sandra1984 · 31/12/2022 13:17

@Liz1tummypain She clearly sees herself as a wannabee aunt to them.

since when “wanting to be an aunt to your nephews” became the wrong thing?

SchnauzerEyebrows · 31/12/2022 13:18

Chocolateandcherries · 31/12/2022 12:50

@KirstenBlest oh for goodness sake stop making it into something it’s not.

OP - surely you could be a bit kinder to this woman. A characteristic a nurse should have.

stop making it into something it’s not.

You know this for a FACT, do you? Or are you saying this purely because the SIL is female?

Chocolateandcherries · 31/12/2022 13:19

SchnauzerEyebrows · 31/12/2022 13:13

My god I would NEVER have spoken to her again if she did that to my Mum. Wow

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You would never speak to her again because what? She helped out by babysitting and was happy to stay for 9 hours? How ridiculous and over-dramatic. It was a kind thing to do.

Appleabananasandpears · 31/12/2022 13:20

Trust your instincts, even if she doesn’t turn out to be dodgy she’s overstepping the mark, being intrusive, does not seem to understand or care about boundaries and is unable to read the room. Whatever issues she has, it’s not up to you to fix them.

Chocolateandcherries · 31/12/2022 13:21

SchnauzerEyebrows · 31/12/2022 13:18

stop making it into something it’s not.

You know this for a FACT, do you? Or are you saying this purely because the SIL is female?

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Nothing to do with male/female. The point is you don’t need to live life being so highly strung and suspicious. Be an adult and try to meet her halfway instead of closing the door in her face.

Liz1tummypain · 31/12/2022 13:23

Sandra1984 · 31/12/2022 13:17

@Liz1tummypain She clearly sees herself as a wannabee aunt to them.

since when “wanting to be an aunt to your nephews” became the wrong thing?

sorry if I used the wrong term. I meant it to suggest that the OP doesn't see the GF as an official aunt. Being an aunt is of course a good thing but the OP, for whatever reasons, doesn't feel comfortable with brother's GF being in the aunt capacity.

Verbena17 · 31/12/2022 13:27

mombee99 · 31/12/2022 06:03

Ok. I think the thing that started making me really question things was this: 1.5 years ago I was stuck without childcare for an hour while I went to work for a late shift (I’m a nurse). GF is always asking to babysit so when she found out needed an hour coverage she offered and I agreed for the first time out of necessity. She showed up and immediately told me she’d felt sick all day (during a COVID spike and not the first time she’d shown up around my kids knowingly sick when I’d made clear please don’t come around my family if your symptomatic and we’d ended up sick afterwards - this had happened twice so already didn’t trust that aspect of her). I was annoyed by this but had no real choice in the moment. It was only an hour until my mom arrived…my kids were used too my mom at bedtime. My mom was meant to stay and put them to bed until I got home. GF said she’d be happy to stay the entire shift but as my youngest wasn’t used to her or she him and she’d already said she felt sick - I told her ‘no worries’ and as much as I appreciated it, it would be better for someone my youngest was used to putting him to sleep. I went to work. An hour and a half later my mom texted to say GF had sent her home after she showed up at the door. I’d specifically told GF I wanted my mom to finish the night and the reasons why. When I did get home late that night (9hrs), I found our youngest had had a hard time going to bed (not surprising as they weren’t used to each other or the bedtime routine). GF had also drawn her “height” onto the wall where I only measure my kids heights over the years and taken a book off the bookshelf and told me as she was leaving she was “going to borrow it”. The last things minor for sure - but in my family/ friend culture unusual without asking - especially after she’d specifically ignored my twice telling her I’d prefer my mom take care of the boys for the night once she arrived. This is one example of small (or big) boundaries I’m speaking too. I recognize I’m an introvert but these personally aren’t the sort of things I’m used to having to deal with. Maybe others are. (For quick background - we don’t have the type of family/ friend background that’s super outspoken - it’s a bit more British/ Northern European so “telling it like it is” or saying exactly how you feel - can be considered rude- it’s usually more about what’s not said which is why I’m at a loss someone’s not picking what I’m not saying up - and how exactly do I say that directly then?)

I was sitting on the fence a bit until I read this.
It reminded me of someone trying to install themself into another persons life 😬 - a bit ‘The Hand That Rocks The Cradle’.

There is no reason why your boys need to sleepover at their house (if they had kids and there were cousins it might be different) but the fact she’s ignoring your wishes is worrying and there’s no way after the babysitting incident I would trust her alone with my kids again. She sounds slightly unstable if I’m honest.

Verbena17 · 31/12/2022 13:28

Oh and also, go with your mumma gut instincts. As a nurse, you will be used to meeting loads of strangers and getting to know them quickly and so I think you’d be a pretty good of character to know whether you want your boys to stay the night /spend time alone with her.

I would just keep it to visits with you when your brother is also there.

KirstenBlest · 31/12/2022 13:29

@Chocolateandcherries , I'm not making it into something it's not. OP hardly knows her 'SIL' and the pushing for sleepovers is weird.
OP has a gut feeling, yet she is meant to push that to one side.
Her DB might have had a long string of live-in girlfriends, and that might be why be why OP doesn't see the 'SIL' as family.

Sandra1984 · 31/12/2022 13:31

Liz1tummypain · 31/12/2022 13:23

sorry if I used the wrong term. I meant it to suggest that the OP doesn't see the GF as an official aunt. Being an aunt is of course a good thing but the OP, for whatever reasons, doesn't feel comfortable with brother's GF being in the aunt capacity.

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Obviously she doesn’t (despite being her brothers partner of 3 years). She’s literally told her she’s not family . The only reason OP gives for not liking her is “she wants to be an auntie to her children and bond with them”. seriously, Is that her biggest crime?

Gwenhwyfar · 31/12/2022 13:33

"Your children do not need to have sleepovers with a 42 year old woman.
Most children are invited to have sleepovers by friends their own age.
Why do they have to go on a sleepover to facilitate a relationship with an adult?"

Many children go to stay with grandparents and other adult relatives. There doesn't have to be a child in the house.

Liz1tummypain · 31/12/2022 13:35

Sandra1984 · 31/12/2022 13:31

Obviously she doesn’t (despite being her brothers partner of 3 years). She’s literally told her she’s not family . The only reason OP gives for not liking her is “she wants to be an auntie to her children and bond with them”. seriously, Is that her biggest crime?

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I don't understand what you're asking. If you think the OP needs to be more friendly then that's your opinion and that's fine.

My posts are pretty clear so I suggest you ask the OP if there's something you don't follow.

Sandra1984 · 31/12/2022 13:43

Liz1tummypain · 31/12/2022 13:35

I don't understand what you're asking. If you think the OP needs to be more friendly then that's your opinion and that's fine.

My posts are pretty clear so I suggest you ask the OP if there's something you don't follow.

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I’m sure OP is reading her own thread (otherwise why post it?), my question to the OP would be why is she not accepting this woman in her family and dislikes her so much? So far her reasons for this are 1) she wants to be an aunt to her children and b) her brother and GF have “only” been together 3 years and are not married.

Unless I’m missing something I find her behaviour unreasonable.

pocketvenuss · 31/12/2022 13:47

@Sandra1984 the OP doesn't feel like the GF is part of HER family as she doesn't really know her well. She doesn't like her by the sounds of things because the GF has been weirdly pushy and inappropriate considering the limited time they have spent in each others company.

Even if the DB and his GF had been together for 10 years, the OP wouldn't necessarily feel the GF was part of her own family (the OP and her partner and dc) if they had only met 6 times.

Trying to develop closer ties comes from spending time together in normal, regular ways. Not by being pushy, overstepping and demanding sleepovers. That's just weird.

Sandra1984 · 31/12/2022 14:05

@pocketvenuss Trying to develop closer ties comes from spending time together in normal, regular ways.

I agree, but from what I’m gathering from the OP she is having none of that. She clearly feels threatened by this woman who wants to be “aunt to her kids”. Personally I would ask my kids how they feel about “her” and if spending time with brother and GF is something they enjoy. I would listen what my kids have to say and see if this is a positive thing in their lives. Ultimately you want to make your children happy with as many loving relationships around them as possible.

Chocolateandcherries · 31/12/2022 14:12

Sandra1984 · 31/12/2022 14:05

@pocketvenuss Trying to develop closer ties comes from spending time together in normal, regular ways.

I agree, but from what I’m gathering from the OP she is having none of that. She clearly feels threatened by this woman who wants to be “aunt to her kids”. Personally I would ask my kids how they feel about “her” and if spending time with brother and GF is something they enjoy. I would listen what my kids have to say and see if this is a positive thing in their lives. Ultimately you want to make your children happy with as many loving relationships around them as possible.

Wise words Sandra. Unfortunately not everyone has the common sense and maturity that you have.

WhenTheCrowdSaysBo · 31/12/2022 17:05

Sandra1984 · 31/12/2022 13:43

I’m sure OP is reading her own thread (otherwise why post it?), my question to the OP would be why is she not accepting this woman in her family and dislikes her so much? So far her reasons for this are 1) she wants to be an aunt to her children and b) her brother and GF have “only” been together 3 years and are not married.

Unless I’m missing something I find her behaviour unreasonable.

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She finds her pushy, overbearing, insensitive to social cues and disrespecting of (clearly communicated) boundaries. There might be other reasons not gone into here, too.

Beyond that, the OP herself clearly has some questions about why she feels uncomfortable with this person, hence the post. She’s asked if others might feel uneasy about the same behaviour. Opinion on the thread has been varied.

Original poster

mombee99 · 31/12/2022 17:58

I don't know how to edit so I’ll answer some common questions here:

you’re right - I shouldn’t have made it about “family” vs not. I honestly said that thinking she’d understand I meant blood relatives and thinking that would be a common understanding and a nicer way than saying I don’t like/ trust her
as someone who’s dated/ lived with others longer than 3 years I didn’t ever assume I was considered “family” or that their parents/ siblings were my “family” -but obviously this thread shows how everyone sees that differently
i don't consider her “my” family because we aren’t close - if we were maybe I would but to me family is either via legal bonds or emotional bonds and we have neither
my kids are completely neutral about her
I never initially tried to keep my kids from her - it’s just the last 1.5 years I’ve started feeling odd cumulating in last night
I have already ignored her repeated and ongoing requests for time with them - I did that thinking she’d get the hint but it obviously hasn’t worked as it hasn’t stopped
I was very excited when she first came and spent 1.5 years trying to be friends, doing things together but we never gelled and it just didn’t work as friends.
I didn’t dislike her from the get go - it’s taken me literally 3 years to get to the point slowly wherein I now dislike her
she started saying she “wants to have the boys over lots” the very first time I met her. She said that 4 times. I assumed she was trying to get my brother to change his mind about kids at the time so didn’t think much of it
my brother is not at all a kid person - in fact other then my kids he pretty much dislikes them
this is my brothers 3 live-in GF
this is 100% not coming from my brother wanting to spend more time with my kids
i know she wanted kids because it’s been a major topic of conversation she’s had with me from the get go with her even leaving for awhile to reconsider her decision.
the boys have only ever spent overnights with my grandparents - never other aunts/ uncles - no one has even asked
I haven’t made up or changed stories to make her look bad - only tell exactly what happened
the reason I found the 23rd odd is because it’s fairly understood in my family that it’s a special time for kids/ parents and I only had that weekend off unlike everyone else who had 2 weeks off
I haven’t answered questions until now because I was sleeping - I’m not on everyone’s same time zone
for anyone saying I’m being unfair and/or cruel - can I please have your children for sleepovers every few months please? Why not? Surely I as a women should have access to any children I want?

OP posts:

Martialisthebestpup · 31/12/2022 18:07

Chocolateandcherries · 31/12/2022 13:19

You would never speak to her again because what? She helped out by babysitting and was happy to stay for 9 hours? How ridiculous and over-dramatic. It was a kind thing to do.

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No, it would have been kind to babysit for the hour before the children’s grandmother arrived. If she was super keen she could have stuck around for the rest of the evening and gone home once the kids had been put to bed (by their grandma, as requested) and she’d had a cuppa with her MIL.
Sending the grandma away was nuts. So far off what had been requested that it destroyed OP’s trust in her.

misslucy92 · 31/12/2022 18:25

No one is saying that you should send them to sleepovers immediately.

You should simply consider that she’s their aunt and it might be nice for them to have some contact.

I know quite a few women who had kids in their 40s so it’s not unlikely that they might still have a baby as people change their minds all of the time. How would you feel if she treats you the same way and you’ll never see your niece or nephew?

She‘s family, even though you don’t seem to want this.

RhymeHasAReason · 31/12/2022 18:34

You’re fine OP. If she’s good to your brother then you can respect her for that and be civil, see her at family events and chat but you don’t have to be best friends or let her try to force a relationship with your children. We don’t have to be best friends with everyone, we won’t all like everyone. Be friendly but keep batting her away when necessary. Don’t let this become something you stress about. As much as she pushes, they’re you’re children and you make the decisions.

Is My Brothers GF a Creep or Am I a B???

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