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Original poster

Is My Brothers GF a Creep or Am I a B???

254 replies

mombee99 · 31/12/2022 03:35

My (37F) bother (39M) has a live-in GF (42) who moved across the country to be with him 3 years ago. She basically gave up her last chance to have kids when she did this as my brother's never wanted kids and I know it's been really hard for her.

Since the first time she met me, she's been talking about how much she wants to spend time and get close to my boys (5 & 12). Since she's arrived, she would often invite my kids to spend time with her/them...I know this is all her and nothing to do with my brother as he's not a kids person. Usually I'd make an excuse and that would be that.

She's not a bad person but she is someone I don't fully trust to understand or respect boundaries - just a combination over time of her not seeming to understand social norms and boundaries especially around my kids. She asks overly serious and personal questions about me and my children at times that I find intrusive and rude. That she assumes as my bother's GF she automatically has a relationship with my children really rubs me the wrong way.

My kids have been through a tough divorce and there are ongoing custody issues currently so I'm not even sure if I want them getting "close" to someone who isn't even legally family. I don't know that it's fair to them, if she weren't to stay in the picture long term (which is my suspicion). At this point, they have no strong bond or connection with her (she's not even especially fun around them tbh - she's fairly serious even towards kids).

For context, they do have grandparents and other aunts/uncles who spend lots of time with them and spoil them ...so it's not as if they don't have family.

For awhile she stopped asking so much and I relaxed. A couple months ago though she told me she's been protecting her heart by not seeing them - as it's a reminder she doesn't have her own kids...but that she's decided she doesn't want to live like that and now wants to make my kids a "priority".

I was as blunt as I \thought\ I needed to be and texted "my priority is for my children to spend time with their family if they're going to be socializing with anyone" - to my surprise, she didn't understand at all. She kept texting back "What do you mean by family? Like group hang outs with everyone? What do you mean "family"?" etc...I didn't even know what to say at that point and largely ignored.

Then at Christmas, she wanted them to come for a sleepover on the 23rd...I was incredulous and said so she wants them to sleep over Christmas Eve Eve?? The one Christmas holiday weekend I have off from work to celebrate with my kids?? She texted back okay and to let her know if things change and "it can work".

Then tonight she texted that going forward "she'd love to be closer to the boys and have sleepovers every few months".

Would I be out of line if I told her that I don't feel comfortable having my boys getting "close" to someone not legally in the family? (Although to be honest, I wouldn't be comfortable even if she were legal family).

Otherwise - what should I do or say???

OP posts:
Willmafrockfit · 31/12/2022 11:55

but she is not demanding to be part of the family - she seems to be demanding to be an involved aunty to your dc.
but without any of your involvement or choice - she is going about it the wrong way.

Sandra1984 · 31/12/2022 11:55

She’s pretty ostracised in that family. She should find a more loving family.

Willmafrockfit · 31/12/2022 11:56

the boys wouldnt want sleepovers - they want friends with peers

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RampantIvy · 31/12/2022 11:57

Sandra1984 · 31/12/2022 11:54

OP, you’ve shown a big dislike for your brothers partner since always, you have decided she’s not “family”. You just don’t like this woman end off for whatever reasons. I believe this is cruel, but it’s your life and ultimately you decide who is part of it and who is not. What I find interesting is your brother not stepping up when he heard his partner “is not part of the family” from his own so sister.

I feel sorry for this woman, she sounds very alone.

The OP has avoided answering questions about her brother's involvement.

I agree that the GF does seem overly invested in having a relationship with her DC though.

sue20 · 31/12/2022 11:58

Sandra1984 · 31/12/2022 11:55

She’s pretty ostracised in that family. She should find a more loving family.

But the point is why? I only get the impression that it’s OP trying to tackle the relationship

Shgytfgtf111 · 31/12/2022 11:59

Apologies, I haven't RTFT but ignore the fact she isn't married to your brother. I have been with my partner for 21 years, we aren't married and I'd be devasted if I wasn't deemed worthy enough to have a meaningful relationship with hus now 22 year old niece and nephew.

Having said that, I'm also 42 and have never had an interest in having sleep overs with them. If you don't want her to see them that much just say no but don't make it aboutd her not being family as it isn't true and will just confuse matters.

Kastri · 31/12/2022 12:03

YANBU.Your children are not for her to use as her own substitute kids.Her lack of children of her own is not your problem.
Trust your instincts.

ADifferentKindofChristmas · 31/12/2022 12:04

Just tell her you don't like her, you don't consider her family and you don't want your children having any involvement with her.

At least be honest with the poor woman.

I bet you won't though, just whinge on here.

Sandra1984 · 31/12/2022 12:04

RampantIvy · 31/12/2022 11:57

The OP has avoided answering questions about her brother's involvement.

I agree that the GF does seem overly invested in having a relationship with her DC though.

Show quote history

The GF has no children and apparently she’s always wanted them so her nephews are the closest thing. As a childless auntie myself always trying to spoil my nephews with treats and games (because kids are awesome and these are my closest kids) I can understand her wanting a relationship with them. I don’t see the creepy factor honestly.

KirstenBlest · 31/12/2022 12:05

Not RTFT, only OP's posts and some replies,
If the OP was 'Is my DSis's BF a creep or am I a B?', the responses would be quite different.

superplumb · 31/12/2022 12:07

Hoardasurass · 31/12/2022 05:18

Yes she is being very creepy and it sounds as if she wants to use your dc as some sort of consolidation prize/replacement for not having her own

Totally agree . She sounds really really creepy. I'd avoid her. She sounds like she has issues

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 31/12/2022 12:14

You dislike her. You are assuming that she is childless and hence wanting to fill some sort of void in her life by showing love and affection via your kids. Its always women who come up with such BS. Where is your brother in all this mess? The poor woman might come across as overbearing and pushy but maybe she just wants to get to know your kids a bit better? You never gave her a chance, you dont meet her, you dont talk to her. You have decided that you dont need her in your life or your kids and thats fine. Its your call. But calling her a creep and wanting an excuse or advise from strangers online is shite. Do what you want.

sue20 · 31/12/2022 12:16

lifeinthehills · 31/12/2022 06:44

She might be someone you need to just be very straight and blunt with. Some people don't take hints.

Show quote history

Also in that circumstance I would have emphasised what you wanted for youngest child and also the point about her not being well. It wasn’t about her convenience. She wouldn’t have furthered her relationship with the youngest by insisting on replacing Granny. How did the children describe the experience? When asked?

sue20 · 31/12/2022 12:19

strawberrysummer19 · 31/12/2022 07:12

Plus your children will never like her because of how clear you have made it how you feel about her

How has OP done this? I don’t see description of any kind that OP has included OP in action of any kind

Willmafrockfit · 31/12/2022 12:21

i think all this Creep talk is unfair

just arrange family outings
be open to her involvement as a Group.

strawberrysummer19 · 31/12/2022 12:27

@sue20 she's accusing her of being a creep for goodness sake 🙄course her children are going to be aware

Pointless post

Chocolateandcherries · 31/12/2022 12:35

Let’s hope your brother doesn’t change his mind because you might find that if she gets pregnant (purposely or otherwise) she may well keep you at arms length from the child too. But that’s fine right? Since you “aren’t family”

pocketvenuss · 31/12/2022 12:35

Sandra1984 · 31/12/2022 11:54

OP, you’ve shown a big dislike for your brothers partner since always, you have decided she’s not “family”. You just don’t like this woman end off for whatever reasons. I believe this is cruel, but it’s your life and ultimately you decide who is part of it and who is not. What I find interesting is your brother not stepping up when he heard his partner “is not part of the family” from his own so sister.

I feel sorry for this woman, she sounds very alone.

The OPs children are not commodities to be shared with a lonely person to fulfil their own personal needs. That's sick.

RampantIvy · 31/12/2022 12:36

How has OP done this? I don’t see description of any kind that OP has included OP in action of any kind

Reading between the lines it is pretty obvious she doesn't like her. I mean she isn't "family" for a start.

KirstenBlest · 31/12/2022 12:38

@Shgytfgtf111 , the difference is that the OP hardly knows this woman, and she has only been (or not) family for 3 years, and she's from the other end of the country.
You may be from the same area as your partner and the family, and your niece and nephew have presumably known you all their lives, and are old enough to choose who to have sleepovers with.

gogohmm · 31/12/2022 12:41

Sorry but I think she has good intentions and you are tainted by the breakdown of your own relationship. Offering to have a sleepover every few months is hardly overstepping, I would have bitten anyones hand off for that kind of support!!!

You come across and bitter, she comes across as someone who lives children but it didn't happen for her, loving her family (even if it's not legally married) is a great thing to do

Puffin87 · 31/12/2022 12:46

The example responses you gave here were all oddly cruel and not diplomatic.

KirstenBlest · 31/12/2022 12:46

@gogohmm , OP hardly knows her 'SIL'. What if she did a Clare's Law check and found something?

Has the Daily Bigot picked this up yet?

Chocolateandcherries · 31/12/2022 12:50

@KirstenBlest oh for goodness sake stop making it into something it’s not.

OP - surely you could be a bit kinder to this woman. A characteristic a nurse should have.

InsomniacVampire · 31/12/2022 12:56

I actually feel really sorry for this woman. Living with a man she had to give up a dream for, and his family being a bunch of uninviting, snobby (unmarried, so not in a proper relationship, ffs we're in XXI century! although a bit shocked OP is divorced, you'd think she has some compassion for people who are not necessarily in a traditional relationship, but no) not-inclusive pricks, judging by OP.
I do believe more and more SIL is on the spectrum and struggled with forming relationship, and maybbe this is why she compromised on her dream to live with a guy like OPs brother- because he was the best out of a bad bunch, and OP, who someow I dont think is ever coming back here as not enough people agreed with her, does not want her around, it's just easier to push SIL away rather than make an effort.

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