Is My Brothers GF a Creep or Am I a B???

[mombee99]

My (37F) bother (39M) has a live-in GF (42) who moved across the country to be with him 3 years ago. She basically gave up her last chance to have kids when she did this as my brother's never wanted kids and I know it's been really hard for her.

Since the first time she met me, she's been talking about how much she wants to spend time and get close to my boys (5 & 12). Since she's arrived, she would often invite my kids to spend time with her/them...I know this is all her and nothing to do with my brother as he's not a kids person. Usually I'd make an excuse and that would be that.

She's not a bad person but she is someone I don't fully trust to understand or respect boundaries - just a combination over time of her not seeming to understand social norms and boundaries especially around my kids. She asks overly serious and personal questions about me and my children at times that I find intrusive and rude. That she assumes as my bother's GF she automatically has a relationship with my children really rubs me the wrong way.

My kids have been through a tough divorce and there are ongoing custody issues currently so I'm not even sure if I want them getting "close" to someone who isn't even legally family. I don't know that it's fair to them, if she weren't to stay in the picture long term (which is my suspicion). At this point, they have no strong bond or connection with her (she's not even especially fun around them tbh - she's fairly serious even towards kids).

For context, they do have grandparents and other aunts/uncles who spend lots of time with them and spoil them ...so it's not as if they don't have family.

For awhile she stopped asking so much and I relaxed. A couple months ago though she told me she's been protecting her heart by not seeing them - as it's a reminder she doesn't have her own kids...but that she's decided she doesn't want to live like that and now wants to make my kids a "priority".

I was as blunt as I \thought\ I needed to be and texted "my priority is for my children to spend time with their family if they're going to be socializing with anyone" - to my surprise, she didn't understand at all. She kept texting back "What do you mean by family? Like group hang outs with everyone? What do you mean "family"?" etc...I didn't even know what to say at that point and largely ignored.

Then at Christmas, she wanted them to come for a sleepover on the 23rd...I was incredulous and said so she wants them to sleep over Christmas Eve Eve?? The one Christmas holiday weekend I have off from work to celebrate with my kids?? She texted back okay and to let her know if things change and "it can work".

Then tonight she texted that going forward "she'd love to be closer to the boys and have sleepovers every few months".

Would I be out of line if I told her that I don't feel comfortable having my boys getting "close" to someone not legally in the family? (Although to be honest, I wouldn't be comfortable even if she were legal family).

Otherwise - what should I do or say???

Well, in many European countries Christmas Eve is when the important family celebration happens. I grew up in Germany and we always did presents and the big dinner on Christmas Eve. It's not just a normal day!

I think she's between a rock and a hard place as she's obviously with someone who doesn't want children when she seems to desperately want them. She's clearly trying to work something out within herself, and to find a way to make it all work.

This is where your kids come in. I totally respect your reservations about it. It's a mother's right. I wonder if there is any way you could discuss it with her, along with the suggestion that she volunteers at a children's charity, which might help satisfy the void in her and take the onus off your kids?

I have a friend who has a similar problem with her child's godmother, a 45 year old childless single woman (who incidentally was her husband's ex GF) and who is overzealous.

Could she potentially be on the spectrum and that's why you're finding it difficult to gel with her? It might explain why she comes across as serious and lacks understanding of social norms.
Of course you don't have to like her though, just because she's in your family, but I would definitely make more of an effort to get to know her as she could be around for a long time.
I would be grateful for anyone in my family who's kind hearted and wanted to spend time with my children. I don't have that and my children are missing out because of it.

I think she's probably a bit lonely. Not creepy. But no, I wouldn't be agreeing to the sleepovers. The children are not something to be passed around, as she seems to think.

I think you are totally entitled to not want them to stay over. It is rather unusual, if you don’t feel comfortable with it don’t do it, that said if your brother will be involved and build a better relationship with them that would be nice. It would be good to find out if that’s part of her intention.
i would say no to the next invitation and say but would you and DB like to come bowling with us (or similar) and try and spend some time all of you together to see how the dynamics are working out.
Also your 12 yr old unlikely to be interested in a sleepover but if he could build a bond with your brother that might be good for him in those difficult teen years.

She sends out creepy messages to me. She's very demanding about being in your children's lives which would make me feel uncomfortable but sending your mother away sets off all my chimes and whistles. She had no right to alter your arrangements and send your Mum packing. Who does she think she is?

I think you need to spell it out for her that she's overstepping the mark and that you don't care for her trying to commandeer your children.
She makes you uneasy. That is sufficient reason to keep her at a distance.

I think she possibly hopes that by having the kids over to stay it might make your brother warm to the idea of them having kids of their own.
I wouldn't have my kids stay with anyone i wasnt fully comfortable with though so I don't think you're being unreasonable

no,
why on earth should anyone want someone's kids over for a sleep over -
grandparents are the exception to this rule.

she is welcome to see you all as a family but her wanting the kids over night is very bizarre and unhealthy.
just be firm, dont be rude, dont mention legal family as that is unkind and could backfire if they marry

just make suggestions to go out for the day as a family,
no more

She's really trying to be a part of the family,because she us. Let her take them the cinema, go round for lunch etc

Well, in many European countries Christmas Eve is when the important family celebration happens. I grew up in Germany and we always did presents and the big dinner on Christmas Eve. It's not just a normal day!

Yes the 24th is also important in my family too but the 23rd is just a normal day.

But instead of being “incredulous” about it, I would just assume she doesn’t celebrate the 23rd or 24th and instead say no that doesn’t work for me as we’ll be busy.
I don’t understand the over reaction of it.

@mombee99 She's not a bad person but she is someone I don't fully trust to understand or respect boundaries - just a combination over time of her not seeming to understand social norms and boundaries especially around my kids.

is she British? Does she come from a different region/country? If that's the case there may be some cultural clashes going on here.

Sounds like she wants to put her maternal feelings into being an aunt instead. But she’s rushing it and if feels forced. She needs to slow up and do it on your terms, not hers. It’s up to you whether you think she could play a role in their lives and what that role might be. I’ve always had a great relationship with my aunt who didn’t have kids - she lived in London and I had the most glamorous weekends with her. It could be really worthwhile doing for your kids.

A frank conversation is probably the first step if you did want to allow it. Tell her what the rules are and that she builds trust by respecting them. Relationships build gradually, not all at once and are based on trust. Maybe point out that yours has built over 12 years…

I think it's creepy. If sexes were reversed and it was a male pushing boundaries like this and asking for regular sleepovers I think responses in here would be very different.
I'd be honest - tell her she's making you feel uncomfortable and you'd like her to stop being so pushy.

I hope she’ll be able to get out of your family before it’s too late. I know women who had kids in their early and mid 40s so there’s still a chance and I hope she takes it, she won’t be happy in your family in the long term.

I honestly don’t buy they second part of your story. I think you noticed that people were not agreeing with you and then decided to add details so that people would favour you again.

I hope she runs.

And no you don’t have to send your kids to sleepovers, obviously, but you are trying deliberately to sabotage the relationship between them and your aunt and it’s cruel. They don‘t remember your name because you won’t give them chances to meet. And yes, she’s their aunt, she is family, she has been with your brother for years and lives with him.

Neither. Poor woman is trying to force something she can't have.

Maybe she thinks by her having kids around her place your brother will change his mind , and want children.

my priority is for my children to spend time with their family if they're going to be socializing with anyone" - to my surprise, she didn't understand at all

I'm not surprised she didn't understand. If you haven't welcomed her into the family after 3 years then when will you?

Trouble is it's all about her and her not having kids. Very sad, but that is a choice she's made and clearly isn't happy with it. It's not about your kids and what they want / need. As you're their mother, that's your focus, not her wellbeing. I would not send my kids to someone who has shown that they won't respect your wishes. Sending your mum away when you expressly said you wanted her there was not on. Nor is showing up sick on many occasions despite you specifically saying that wasn't ok.

She's showing form for riding roughshod over your boundaries. That is enough in my view to not give her responsibility for your children. You don't have to sacrifice their wellbeing for hers.

She doesn't view your children as people in their own right, just as objects to sooth herself. Yes, it's creepy as fuck.

What makes you think this person is kind hearted? I don’t see any kindness, just a wish for access to the OP’s kids as a kind of substitute for kids of her own that she can’t have. I don’t see anything that suggests she’s considering the needs and wishes of the children.

She sounds needy,clingy, pushy which would ring alarm bells for me. She can’t use your children as big human toys. Keep her at a distance as much as you can.

Would you do that if it was your sisters boyfriend who you see 5 times a year pushing to spend time with your children?

I’m a childless woman with a DNephew (4.5) and a DNephew (2.5) and DNiece (5.5) who are SIL’s DB’s DC but I treat them as relatives, sadly don’t see lattter DC as liveorher rhs of the country.

For context, DNephew (4.5) has a close relationship with one of his DM’s friends who lives other side of the country. She’s like an unofficial auntie and is also childless. They both get on really well though and she spends lots of time with him and the DPs. I don’t think sleepovers would come into it but as he ages I’m sure there will be days out alone with him if he likes this. Just giving an example of DC having close relationship.

I think her behaviour is odd, yes, considering she doesn’t know your DC well and also she’s crossing boundaries by eg sending your DM away. I’d be wanting her not to speak to your DC about serious topics either and watching films, playing or actually being involved with them and getting to know them as people rather than children to fill her void.

I wouldn’t want the regular sleepovers or Christmas sleepovers either. What I would say is once her relationship with your DC is closer and they remember her name etc then you might be prepared for them to stay with her and your DB occasionally. But that’s down to you.

I don’t think you like her anyway though, but judging by her behaviour so far, it’s easy to see why you don’t like her! She’s not doing herself favours.

sorry she hasnt had children but its not your problem to help her be a surrogate aunty-souns ott

im an aunty and i dont demand my niece and neohew have sleep overs ive looked after them in their own house

Crikey incognito read on!

plus I think selfish a completely inappropriate word in this context. Children aren’t commodities to be shared or not. It’s a parents job to safeguard their children. Whether correct or not it’s natural to be careful if you have a worry about a person being around your children.
This woman doesn’t have a “right” legal or not to be alone with someone else’s children. I agree with OP if her description is true that the contact sounds weird. Sending mother away? Why? Her behaviour sounds worrying and. I would actively avoid the contact.

OP, you’ve shown a big dislike for your brothers partner since always, you have decided she’s not “family”. You just don’t like this woman end off for whatever reasons. I believe this is cruel, but it’s your life and ultimately you decide who is part of it and who is not. What I find interesting is your brother not stepping up when he heard his partner “is not part of the family” from his own so sister.

I feel sorry for this woman, she sounds very alone.