Not making it all about your kids

[OcadoHummus]

After observing friends' and family's parenting over the holidays, I keep noticing the same thing. They put their children at the centre of everything.

They plan their days out, their budget, and their lifestyle around the child.

Because of it, they don't even have their own interests or pleasures.

I buy myself nice things, nice clothes and treat myself.

All of their available funds will be openly spent on the clothing and toys for their children.

Nobody is happy if mama’s aren't happy, and I'm the only one who can say with assurance, "I'm someone too, and I equally matter."

I'm not ashamed to admit that I spend the same amount on what makes me happy too .

I don't actually believe that overindulging a child and telling them everything you do and work hard for is for them.

It only produces spoiled brats.

Or do I have no shame? 😂

I agree with this, it’s a rather manipulative approach. My children are the centre of MY universe but I have raised them to understand that they aren’t the centre of THE universe. They’re older teens now and they both have part time jobs. Important to encourage independence.

@AnnieFarmer finally someone who got it!

“The world does not revolve around you” is a very important concept kids need to learn.

Same way I would say competition and experiencing losing and winning at a young age matters.

Seeing me doing things I enjoy, compromising and prioritising my self-care and having nice things is not bad and it never will be.

Seeing that I enjoy my work and have a respected opinion outside of the home and contribute to society matters to me. I don’t need to excuse myself for it.

is English your second language OP?
I was like this until my second child was born - I put myself first and to this day I regret it deeply. Ds changed everything, made us into a family and made me ( about time) grow up and think of other people before myself. It’s how it should be.

Looks? Coats are for wearing on walks or getting from A to B. I want to be warm and dry and look reasonable. Beyond that I have no looks.

@BradfordGirl this is your lifestyle not mine. If this makes you happy then I think that’s great.

I like having more options, formal then casual, different colours, some suitable for dog walking or rainy conditions for example 😂😂😂

@pinkhousesarebest yes English isn’t my first language, perhaps why this has ended up so controversial 😂🙃

Maybe you should get some new friends and stop hanging out so much with the Surrendered Downtrodden Mothers club?

Odd that you still can't answer the question....

It's fine for people to want to do family centred activities at Christmas. School and work get in the way of that most of the year. Is this really about you being annoyed your friends won't meet up with you so you're struggling to entertain your dd on your own while you're off work?

Wtf are you on about? You wear socks and wash your face and somehow think this makes you so special because you’re “not just a mum”

are you ok? 😂😂😂😂 too much baileys over Christmas I think.

Being a parent and having chocolates and wine is really not as unusual as you think. It's standard

I’ve gone through and read OPs post and now I actually feel sorry for her. I think wine and “posh” chocolates and a skincare routine must of been aspirations for her growing up which is why she places so much emphasis on them now and thinks they are in some way special. I’m going to assume she had a pretty shit childhood and now feels she has achieved something as a parent herself. It’s quite sad really, reading them.

Aren’t you lovely.

These small things make special little moments FOR ME.

Lucky you to have had it better than me, that’s wonderful.

But that’s exactly what your posts are saying? Making out you’ve somehow got it better than others because you eat chocolate and drink wine and use a face wash? I don’t get it? Why is it you think these things are so aspirational and out of reach for people?

Like most things in life, it is about a balance.

You sound like the Catherine Tate snobby posh mum' character op!

Would you like a cinnamon and gooseberry yoghurt? 😂

Why do you feel the need to buy a designer outfit everytime your child needs new clothes? That's really odd behaviour.

Children grow. If they've grown I buy them bigger clothes. If I want/need a new outfit, I buy one. Its not a competition. Its sad that you think that way.

Sometimes the children need more time and attention than I do. Sometimes I need to take some time for myself. No sane person keeps track and tries to balance it out. It's really quite concerning if you do.

Still don't understand why OP can't answer the coat question...

This thread is the gift that keeps giving.

Fancy socks, chocolate and wine are a sign of being an amazing mummy who prioritised herself.

It's important for daughters to see their mummy using some facewash because it's for mama to prove she isn't just mummy.

It's apparently super empowering to buy yourself more clothes when you buy the children some clothes because IT'S ABOUT ME and doing things FOR ME.

The OP seems to be desperately clinging to external items and shopping in a bid to prove that they're not just a mummy. It seems a little insecure and you can't help wonder if they attached a lot of value to superficial things before children.

It all feels a bit 'i'm not like the other mummies, I'm a cool mummy'. 😂

How did you ‘raise’ them to be like that? Lecture them, diagrams?. My teens understand that they are not the centre of the universe and have part time jobs ( as do millions of teenagers- not sure why you think that is something special)

I just sort of got on with life…….

I still want to know who would get the coat.

Op what's your relationship like with your childs Dad? Do you feel ready to go back to work or maybe volunteer? Do you have many friends?

I ask because my sense of Not The Mama comes from my relationship and intimacy with my husband, with my volunteer work, the relationship with fellow volunteers, old friends from school and Uni who all knew me before being a Mom, Uni, my relationship with my family, as well as going to the cinema alone, having a shower whilst the kids are awake, sending them home with DH whilst I go for coffee etc.

I really think you need to look inwards at who you feel you are, rather than focusing on what external bits make someone look at you and say gosh isn't she keeping herself looking nice.

Everyone enjoys different things. I've had bucket loads of posh skincare stuff before and after DC but I really CBA with the faff so they end up going off and being binned. There is certainly no pleasure in it for me. Same with facials, massages and nails etc. I'd rather have my eyes poked out. I hate it. No interest in clothes either. I have more than enough money to buy these things if I wanted but to me they are trivial.

My DC do have more of an interest in clothes, they are still young and it matters to them. So I spend more on their clothes than mine. M&S for me, Ralph Lauren and Abercrombie for them. So we are all happy. No self sacrifice on my part.

Same with holidays. DH and I could have fancier holidays just the two of us, but we really enjoy watching our DC enjoy the experiences too. It wouldn't be as pleasurable without them.

How you interpret other people's choices may be quite wide of the mark OP.

OP- what are you a managing director of? I remember a previous thread which said you worked in teaching for 20 years?

@whiteroseredrose i don’t know how many times I have to say it, my “little moments” of things I enjoy are things specific to me that make me feel that little bit special and it is my me time.

I feel every woman needs their thing whatever that may be.

I do however feel the lacking in self-care, and looking after one’s image can’t be very good for your self esteem or confidence.

@OcadoHummus

'I do however feel the lacking in self-care, and looking after one’s image can’t be very good for your self esteem or confidence.'

Ha ha. You really wouldn't say that if you knew me!! There is more to self care than surface stuff like makeup and clothes.

Not all of us have our self esteem or concept of self care wrapped up in our image though. Making time to read is an incredibly important part of self care for me. Just because it doesnt have any outward visible markers doesn't mean its less 'me than your beauty care routine is 'you'