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Original poster

Not making it all about your kids

229 replies

OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 14:39

After observing friends' and family's parenting over the holidays, I keep noticing the same thing. They put their children at the centre of everything.

They plan their days out, their budget, and their lifestyle around the child.

Because of it, they don't even have their own interests or pleasures.

I buy myself nice things, nice clothes and treat myself.

All of their available funds will be openly spent on the clothing and toys for their children.

Nobody is happy if mama’s aren't happy, and I'm the only one who can say with assurance, "I'm someone too, and I equally matter."

I'm not ashamed to admit that I spend the same amount on what makes me happy too .

I don't actually believe that overindulging a child and telling them everything you do and work hard for is for them.

It only produces spoiled brats.

Or do I have no shame? 😂

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Petronus · 27/12/2022 23:17

OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 15:07

Honestly I love my daughter and being a mum is amazing. But I want to feel special and treat myself like I always have done… it feels good!

I also take my child to restaurants I enjoy and coffee shops - of course it’s not her dream but we compromise! I like these places and luckily she has learnt to also.

If I can have my latte and chill she can then have an afternoon at the farm 😂 it’s teaching compromise!

Show quote history

You obviously have one child. If having time to yourself is very important, I would honestly stick with this. We had the sort of balance you describe with one fairly calm dc. It is so so much harder to maintain both financially and in terms of time with more than one.

EdieLedwell · 27/12/2022 23:19

I can't believe you're unable to imagine the one coat scenario.

What's that about?

Original poster
OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 23:20

Multi level marketing. Pyramid schemes. I am sure it’s just the way the thread has gone but the tone feels like the posts I see on Facebook “come on mummies! Let’s do this for us! #bossbabe” and full of women swallowing a false promise that they could drive a white 4x4 and a camel wool coat

Oh yes, they seem to know how to come over in swarms once you’re on maternity leave! Targeting vulnerable women really, awfully sad.

Yes basically I’m saying that, you’re not the bottom of priorities and I hate to see it!

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00100001 · 27/12/2022 23:21

OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 23:16

Well imagine you didn't. No other suitable clothes and the budget only stretched to one good winter coat. Who do you pick? You or your child?

The problem in your line of questioning is your own issue not mine. This budget and decision doesn’t exist to me and I don’t have to consider it.

That’s not me being disrespectful but me knowing if I want something I will make it happen through working for what I want.

I’d like to say politely I know what I’m doing and it’s a priority to me that we don’t end up in such a situation.

Any normal parent would make sure their child was warm, fed and safe before themselves.

They'd skip dinner so their child could eat, they'd jump in front of a car to protect their child.... They'd go cold to keep their child warm.

I can't believe you can't answer the question... And keep bringing it back to how fucking wonderful you are because you can't imagine a disaster befalling you and your children....

You can't prevent a terrorist bombing a train you just happened to be in, you can't prevent a mad man running down a.street and shooting anyone and everyone. To imply you're somehow able to prevent any kind of calamity is bizarre.... Not as bizarre as your odd claims and the fact you can't even seem to pretend to prioritise your children over yourself mind...

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 27/12/2022 23:24

OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 23:16

Well imagine you didn't. No other suitable clothes and the budget only stretched to one good winter coat. Who do you pick? You or your child?

The problem in your line of questioning is your own issue not mine. This budget and decision doesn’t exist to me and I don’t have to consider it.

That’s not me being disrespectful but me knowing if I want something I will make it happen through working for what I want.

I’d like to say politely I know what I’m doing and it’s a priority to me that we don’t end up in such a situation.

It's not my issue either. We have enough coats and jackets and fleeced hoodies to dress everyone up. Money in the bank too. However I can still be very aware that this can be a very real scenario and also can imagine it happening and what my choice would be. It's not rocket science.

Passmethecrisps · 27/12/2022 23:24

We all hate to see it but for many it simply isn’t a choice.

you are exceptionally lucky to live the lifestyle you do. It’s not skill or your brilliant mindset. It’s just luck. Enjoy it, genuinely. But maybe leave off the judging of other parents who aren’t able to walk in your shoes

Original poster
OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 23:26

@00100001 you really sound neurotic if you sit around thinking of these scenarios.

You need to keep your head in the game and focus on good things coming your way and work towards making that happen.

OP posts:
00100001 · 27/12/2022 23:28

OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 23:26

@00100001 you really sound neurotic if you sit around thinking of these scenarios.

You need to keep your head in the game and focus on good things coming your way and work towards making that happen.

....still can't answer the question, huh?

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 27/12/2022 23:30

There are only a few options here :

1.goes trip trap.

2.OP is a lot more selfish than she wants to appear .

  1. She had a half arsed idea, ran with it and now that people are expecting a modicum of critical thinking and analysis of what she's saying, she's stubbornly digging her heels in Because it contradicts her world view that she respects and treats herself (and she's womaning and parenting much better) and all the other mums are sad.
allboysherebutme · 27/12/2022 23:31

My children will always come first. X

00100001 · 27/12/2022 23:32

OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 23:26

@00100001 you really sound neurotic if you sit around thinking of these scenarios.

You need to keep your head in the game and focus on good things coming your way and work towards making that happen.

I'm it neurotic at all.

But I'm sure a year ago there were smug twats like you living in Ukraine, sitting pretty in their perfect lives with their perfect children who have been forced out of their country and are facing decisions like that....

I just don't understand why you're so absolutely determined not to answer a very simple question.... Confused

00100001 · 27/12/2022 23:34

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 27/12/2022 23:30

There are only a few options here :

1.goes trip trap.

2.OP is a lot more selfish than she wants to appear .

  1. She had a half arsed idea, ran with it and now that people are expecting a modicum of critical thinking and analysis of what she's saying, she's stubbornly digging her heels in Because it contradicts her world view that she respects and treats herself (and she's womaning and parenting much better) and all the other mums are sad.

Fairly certain it's 3 ish
She had imaginings of us all being empowered and wowed by her example and us ditching the vacuum!

Smellywellyhoo · 27/12/2022 23:43

What a strange thread.

Sorry if I've missed it in all the replies, but do you work OP? What do you do? Just wondering where you get all your money from.

microbius · 27/12/2022 23:45

Very strange responses to OP past the first page. Our society is very child-centric and it is often unhealthy, both for parents and the child. Voila

FoxCorner · 27/12/2022 23:45

OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 15:07

Honestly I love my daughter and being a mum is amazing. But I want to feel special and treat myself like I always have done… it feels good!

I also take my child to restaurants I enjoy and coffee shops - of course it’s not her dream but we compromise! I like these places and luckily she has learnt to also.

If I can have my latte and chill she can then have an afternoon at the farm 😂 it’s teaching compromise!

Show quote history

Have you got any friends to go to coffee shops with, or just your daughter? Are your friends all telling you they are too busy with their kids to see you? It's best not to share your opinions of their and your parenting with them. It won't help

FoxCorner · 27/12/2022 23:48

OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 15:07

Honestly I love my daughter and being a mum is amazing. But I want to feel special and treat myself like I always have done… it feels good!

I also take my child to restaurants I enjoy and coffee shops - of course it’s not her dream but we compromise! I like these places and luckily she has learnt to also.

If I can have my latte and chill she can then have an afternoon at the farm 😂 it’s teaching compromise!

Show quote history

Taking kids to restaurants and coffee shops isn't really a new, unique parenting style. Lots of people do it

3WildOnes · 27/12/2022 23:49

You're not a revolutionary OP. The vast majority of us try to strike the balance between meeti g our children's needs and our own, its just that that looks different in each family.

As an other poster said previously, I had my children so that I could enjoy them. I absolutely love being a parent to my three children. I used to spend my weekends having brunch with friends, strolling around the shops and then drinking the night away but that doesn't work so well with children. So now we tend to go for walks and then have friends over for dinner in the evening.
I do spend far more on my children than myself but I still go on occasional nights out and weekends away with my husband and friends without the children.

Original poster
OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 23:52

Have you got any friends to go to coffee shops with, or just your daughter? Are your friends all telling you they are too busy with their kids to see you? It's best not to share your opinions of their and your parenting with them. It won't help

I do but truthfully not as often as any of us would like. Everyone gets busy with their own routine don’t they. Plus with working and all, it’s hard to get more social time in even when you want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 23:53

Sorry if I've missed it in all the replies, but do you work OP? What do you do? Just wondering where you get all your money from.

I’m a Managing Director.

OP posts:
BradfordGirl · 27/12/2022 23:54

What is the problem with having one winter coat?

Original poster
OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 23:55

What is the problem with having one winter coat?

Because you’d probably have different looks you’re going for?

OP posts:
AnnieFarmer · 27/12/2022 23:56

‘I don't actually believe that overindulging a child and telling them everything you do and work hard for is for them.‘

I agree with this, it’s a rather manipulative approach. My children are the centre of MY universe but I have raised them to understand that they aren’t the centre of THE universe. They’re older teens now and they both have part time jobs. Important to encourage independence.

Firstbornunicorn · 27/12/2022 23:58

The OP needs to check her privilege.

BradfordGirl · 28/12/2022 00:00

@OcadoHummus Looks? Coats are for wearing on walks or getting from A to B. I want to be warm and dry and look reasonable. Beyond that I have no looks.

Original poster
OcadoHummus · 28/12/2022 00:09

Taking kids to restaurants and coffee shops isn't really a new, unique parenting style. Lots of people do it

I really didn’t say I was unique in this, simply that women sadly don’t indulge in enough of the things that would make them happy and it’s unfortunately.

The “small” things I do that give me moments of happiness are just that.

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