I have a five month old baby and my in-laws visit every week to see him. I’m getting really irritated at having to devote half a day each week to this and would like to cut it back to every 3-4 weeks.
However this irritation is bringing up a lot of other negative feelings I have towards them. I know I will sound unkind but I can’t seem to get over the way I feel. I’d be grateful for other perspectives on this.
At the risk of sounding snobbish they are so different from my parents, who are well educated and very polite and reserved. The in-laws aren’t bad people but are not well educated and can be quite loud, coarse and immature - the sort of people who don’t keep with the times and use outdated terms to refer to other races etc. I feel like every time I see them it’s a bit like talking to children. They ask the same questions constantly and they either forget the answers or can’t think of other subjects. They retell the same anecdotes every week. If try to talk about anything I find interesting, FIL can’t understand it.
My parents visit most weeks too but always help out when they come over, eg hanging out some laundry or doing some gardening. They’ve done so much to help me since I was pregnant. I never expect it, it’s just who they are. The in-laws haven’t done anything - from the early days they thought coming over to cuddle DS to give me time to do chores was being helpful. They’ve never even once made me a cup of tea or anything. I know I shouldn’t expect anything but it’s such a marked difference between them and my parents.
I don’t want to exclude them from my son’s life as they are full of love for him, but I do worry they will have a negative influence and won’t encourage him to be well educated and well mannered as he grows up. They often encourage behaviours in their other grandchildren that I wouldn’t like to see in DS.
They want to spoil him, and buy him unwanted tat from pound shops that I don’t know what to do with. We really don’t want to spoil him so are being thoughtful about what we buy.
One thing that really bothers me is that they seem to forget DS is 50% my family - they only care about DH’s link - eg liking photos on social media of DH and the baby but not ones of me or my family with the baby. Whereas my parents seem to make a point of liking posts or making nice comments on pics with them. They try to claim every aspect of DS as being inherited from them and it never occurs to them that I might be looking for aspects of my family in him. I know I sound petty but I do find it annoying.
They want to take on some of the child care when I go back to work but I don’t like the idea, even though it would save money as I don’t want them too heavily involved in DS’s upbringing.
I don’t feel I can talk to DH about this as it would upset him, and I know really I am probably being unreasonable, but can’t seem to get past feeling negatively towards them.
MIL lays it on thick if she doesn’t see us enough - she’ll cry to DH so he feels guilty. So I don’t know how to cut back on their visits without causing upset.
Please help me get some perspective on this and if you think I need to just chill out about it or if it’s fair enough to try to pull back from them a bit.