Finding in-laws really irritating and don’t want them to visit as much

[BetsyWombat]

I have a five month old baby and my in-laws visit every week to see him. I’m getting really irritated at having to devote half a day each week to this and would like to cut it back to every 3-4 weeks.

However this irritation is bringing up a lot of other negative feelings I have towards them. I know I will sound unkind but I can’t seem to get over the way I feel. I’d be grateful for other perspectives on this.

At the risk of sounding snobbish they are so different from my parents, who are well educated and very polite and reserved. The in-laws aren’t bad people but are not well educated and can be quite loud, coarse and immature - the sort of people who don’t keep with the times and use outdated terms to refer to other races etc. I feel like every time I see them it’s a bit like talking to children. They ask the same questions constantly and they either forget the answers or can’t think of other subjects. They retell the same anecdotes every week. If try to talk about anything I find interesting, FIL can’t understand it.

My parents visit most weeks too but always help out when they come over, eg hanging out some laundry or doing some gardening. They’ve done so much to help me since I was pregnant. I never expect it, it’s just who they are. The in-laws haven’t done anything - from the early days they thought coming over to cuddle DS to give me time to do chores was being helpful. They’ve never even once made me a cup of tea or anything. I know I shouldn’t expect anything but it’s such a marked difference between them and my parents.

I don’t want to exclude them from my son’s life as they are full of love for him, but I do worry they will have a negative influence and won’t encourage him to be well educated and well mannered as he grows up. They often encourage behaviours in their other grandchildren that I wouldn’t like to see in DS.

They want to spoil him, and buy him unwanted tat from pound shops that I don’t know what to do with. We really don’t want to spoil him so are being thoughtful about what we buy.

One thing that really bothers me is that they seem to forget DS is 50% my family - they only care about DH’s link - eg liking photos on social media of DH and the baby but not ones of me or my family with the baby. Whereas my parents seem to make a point of liking posts or making nice comments on pics with them. They try to claim every aspect of DS as being inherited from them and it never occurs to them that I might be looking for aspects of my family in him. I know I sound petty but I do find it annoying.

They want to take on some of the child care when I go back to work but I don’t like the idea, even though it would save money as I don’t want them too heavily involved in DS’s upbringing.

I don’t feel I can talk to DH about this as it would upset him, and I know really I am probably being unreasonable, but can’t seem to get past feeling negatively towards them.

MIL lays it on thick if she doesn’t see us enough - she’ll cry to DH so he feels guilty. So I don’t know how to cut back on their visits without causing upset.

Please help me get some perspective on this and if you think I need to just chill out about it or if it’s fair enough to try to pull back from them a bit.

OK I’ll ignore some of the things others have called snobby etc. A couple of things jump out at me - your MIL guilting your DH and crying is manipulative. You see them once a week so she is being ridiculous and for that alone I would be backing off a bit.

I also do understand how annoying it is when someone goes on and on about the baby being exactly like their side of the family or the fact they’re a twin of Uncle Dave with the exact personality of Auntie Sarah. It is very grating after a while and if it’s done regularly then it’s verging on just being mean.

The only way I would have anyone do childcare as a regular arrangement would be if I liked them a lot and found them a good influence. You’ve said they use outdated and possibly offensive language so that would be a hard no.

I feel like they’re not interested in me as a person at all - just see me as bearer of grandchild.

well the feeling seems to be entirely mutual. How about asking your DH to be sure to be there when they come over and you do your own thing (i don't know, go to the opera or something )

They probably don't offer to help round the household because you don't have that kind of relationship. Again, you could ask your DH to ask if they want to be more involved like that? After all, he'll be there so it may not feel like overstepping.

When i had my DC and my SILs showed up - they asked me if i'd be insulted if they completely blitzed the place, or what would i prefer they do. It could be that in your ILs family it's considered rude to waltz in and do the washing up?

I think people have got their backs up because of the 'well educated' stuff.

OP you are not unreasonable to see them as much as suits you. If they get upset DH can arrange when he sees them with your baby. I bet it is a lot less than you do when you're in charge! You can just be busy when they want to come apart from once a month or whatever.

It's probably true they're more interested in the baby than you. That's life unfortunately. People hide it to varying degrees but a) blood is thicker than water and b) babies and children are more interesting than adults. Even my parents are not interested in my kids than in me, and I have come to accept that.

As for the cultural divide between you and your DH's family, this is something that really shows up when children/babies do. You need to concentrate on creating a family culture between you and DH that uses the best bits of your respective family cultures - because there WILL be things that work better about the way your ILs do things. There will be traditions and attitudes that your DH shares with them and while you don't actually have to respect your ILs (though things will be easier and more pleasant for you if you try) you do have to respect your DH, the product of them, if you want to create a new family with them. You are naturally more comfortable with your parents but that doesn't mean they are right about everything. You need to pick the non-negotiables and the things you're prepared to be flexible about - that means you AND DH.

At the risk of sounding snobbish.....
I don’t want to exclude them from my son’s life as they are full of love for him, but I do worry they will have a negative influence and won’t encourage him to be well educated and well mannered as he grows up.

No no. That's not snobby at all. 🙄

My ex inlaws were a bit like this, I don't mean the racist bits but the only being bothered with ds & even worse only lived round the corner. If I knew they were coming I sometimes used to disappear & go shopping, have a coffee & by the time I got back they were ready to leave. I used it as a chance to have some free time.

YABU.
Fair enough, you don't have to particularly like them but to reduce their contact with their GC to once every 3/4 weeks but allow your parents to see GC every week would be extremely unfair and if I was your DH, I would not allow this. I don't particularly like my in laws or like their views or comments on a number of things but they come with package and are not actually bad people, I wouldn't never limit their contact with my child or make them feel I didn't want their company.

You say they are nice people and raised your DH to be lovely so there is no reason to reduce seeing your GC other than your own dislike to them. Being annoyed they don't like fb posts with your family in is ridiculous and so petty.

You are coming across like a snob and not a very nice person. I would be more concerned about the negative influence you will have over the child being so judgemental.

I think you will do a lot of damage in the long term with the relationship with your in-laws and DH if you try to distance the IL's from your child.

Ignore modern safety guidelines are they aren’t aware of them?

I think people have got their backs up because of the 'well educated' stuff.

I agree with this. Actually reading what you've put, I don't think YABU.

They sound a lot like my in laws, except mine are not generally impolite and aren't manipulative about seeing us more, so I do cut them a lot of slack. It's very stressful having your DC around people who use racist terminology, and do dangerous things. These are real worries that people are dismissing.

I would stop having them over when your Dh isn't there, reframe your relationship so this is not something that happens. Just say "DH isn't going to be here at that time, let's do it on X day".

Can you reduce to an hour or so each time rather than once a month? Tell your dh it's too exhausting. Also yes to having them come over when he's there.

This would bother me: "They often encourage behaviours in their other grandchildren that I wouldn’t like to see in DS." I wouldn't like anyone who does that to be providing childcare. They do sound like the kind of ILs who won't respect your wishes and boundaries over what your child is allowed to have and do. And if "Outdated terms to refer to people of other races" means they use racist language - I wouldn't want them setting that example to my kids.

Having to entertain them for half a day every week is a lot, especially when your DH isn't always there. They should visit when their son is there so that they can chat with him and he can entertain them.

I don't think you're being snobbish or bitchy. You have a very young baby to look after, your hands are full, you don't need visitors for a half day every week who just sit there while you wait on them, especially when you don't get on with them. Some of the replies here have been really unpleasant and bitchy.

Your parents in law do sound a bit irritating, but if you have time to monitor who likes what on social media, you clearly have too much of it on your hands.

Are they actually aware of modern safety guidelines? I’d tell them if they say/do anything unsafe. As for racism etc I’d pick them up on this, it’s unacceptable, if they continue you need to tell them you don’t want your child around that environment, and follow through. Your DH needs to back you up. As for the crying, that’s for your DH to deal with, it’s sheer manipulation & quite narcissistic TBH.

And yes I agree you need to ignore who “likes” what on social media. It doesn’t really matter.

My family isn't well educated but do not use racial slurs, follow my instructions on safety and are polite. So education doesn't really have much to do with it and you should widen your narrow horizons.

I sympathise and could have written elements of this.

For the people saying didn’t you realise, my in-laws didn’t want to know me and had marginal interest in us for five years. Then the baby arrives and you’re having to navigate new relationships and expectations with practical strangers. Things that don’t irk when you see someone every three/six months get a whole lot more irritating on a weekly basis.

Plus you have the added worry of influence on a child. My husband uses his upbringing as a basis of how not to parent…some people are good in spite of their parents not because of.

im a few years down the line and it has eased off. I try to see the good, ignore the unpleasant and go hard road on non negotiable issues (like the racist ‘gift’ my child received, no joke - and heavy drinking around my child). I’m not entirely popular with my in-laws and I don’t ever choose to spend time with them but I try to foster the positive elements of their relationship with my children.

OP - my two sets of grandparents were very different. One set probably similar to how you describe your in-laws.

It didn't impact us growing up, our parents had much more impact. We were aware of how people can be outwardly very different, but it doesn't mean either side loved us less, nor does it make them lesser worthy people.

I'm experiencing similar with my in-laws now. I make a concerted effort with them because I know they love my OH & children. I find a few things which we can talk about when we see them so we don't run out of conversation. If they do/say anything I don't agree with I'll either comment (as nicely as possible) at the time, or later on I'll talk to the children about why they shouldn't repeat it.

I hope you can find a way forward.

We can’t like everyone and they do sounds irritating. I have family members like this - they visit my parent every week and my mother can’t stand it!!! It’s really hard when they are your son’s grandparents.

on the racist terms, agree completely unacceptable. If it offers any solace - my grandmother used inappropriate terms and I remember as a child correcting her and being horrified! It certainly doesn’t mean your son will adopt these views - if anything. It gives him practice calling these thing out.

I agree it’s probably not wise to use them for daycare - they annoy you too much and there will be a falling out.

could your husband be home for some of the visits and you take yourself off?

What have you done to make them feel as though they want to/or can make you feel 'part of the family'? You seem to look down on them as though they're inferior.

You don't want them to play a part in your sons upbringing but married their son who, I am assuming, they brought up?

So they managed to raise your lovely DH.

YOUR parents on the other hand managed to raise a judgemental snob.

OK

Don't take the bitchy comments to heart op. I get where you are coming from especially with the crying to DH to emotionally manipulate. Quite frankly the best way to ensure the relationship is going to be strained. Wedding vows should say more than for better or for worse they should mention the in laws too.

Is there a possibility they feel they have to push for attention or being part of DH and DC's life as lots of families spend more time with the mums side here. Do they feel insecure about your family which could be why they aren't able to interact well.

I would do as previously advised and leave DH to it and use the time to do something for yourself. If it's a regular slot all the better. Do they let you know when they are coming or just turn up?

I think this is one of those situations where the OP only has one child who is still a baby and wants to have control over everything.

Not to be patronising but it's not until you have more than one child, they grow up and PIL's grow old and eventually you realise that you were way too full on when your kids were little.
Let them have a relationship with their grandchild, they may not be educated etc but they love the baby and want to be around.
Trust me you'll want their input when you need childcare.

And you can't spoil a 5 month old BTW.

I don’t want to exclude them from my son’s life as they are full of love for him, but I do worry they will have a negative influence and won’t encourage him to be well educated and well mannered as he grows up

Holy crap, people actually think like that

Not liking racism, danger, and bad manners are Valid points imo!
It's so hard when on early mat leave because you're less likely to leave the house - you're trapped when they 'drop in'!
As pp say shut down the racism every time!
Get dh on board that they only visit when he is there to supervise them- and he models your safety rules.
Both of you model good manners.
When they are there direct them to specific help. "FIL can you make everyone a cup of tea please"
And after one cup "thanks for visiting baby and I need a nap now see you next time" ( and specify when next time is-more than a week away!)
Agree with him your plans/boundaries for safety & childcare now so that any mention of future "free" childcare (it's never free even if money doesn't change hands) is met with repetitive breezy "baby will get great socialisation and learning with childcare professionals."
And finally for your future's sake set all this out with your husband - he has to be on your side and can't let PIL have their way for an easy life. But as I say both of you model best behaviours.

Well they sound a little annoying (and any racism is obviously unacceptable) but there are certainly worse in-laws to have and as PP’s have pointed out they raised your lovely DH so they can’t be all bad!

Once a week to visit is fine IMO and clearly they want to make the effort as they come to you rather than expect you to go to them. Also, sorry but I agree with the PP that said if people are visiting it’s polite for you to put the kettle on and make them a cup of tea. Different if you’ve only just given birth but you are 5 months in and I wouldn’t be expecting guests to come over to do chores either!

I also think it’s not uncommon for grandparents to focus entirely on their DGC and in turn forget to show loads of interest in you or what you might be doing outside motherhood. I don’t think they mean to do it though and you just need to not take it personally. It’s a running joke in our family but my DH is also ignored by his parents whenever our DS is around which probably takes the sting out of it somewhat.

Maybe you just need to be a little more assertive with plans so stick with once a week but give them a time slot that works for you. Also maybe just let them have him on his own for a bit? Or ask your DH to take him to theirs without you for a break? There’s quite a lot you can do to limit your interaction with them if you are finding them a bit too much without hurting feelings here.

Not sure why there's such a big gap in my post!