Finding in-laws really irritating and don’t want them to visit as much

[BetsyWombat]

I have a five month old baby and my in-laws visit every week to see him. I’m getting really irritated at having to devote half a day each week to this and would like to cut it back to every 3-4 weeks.

However this irritation is bringing up a lot of other negative feelings I have towards them. I know I will sound unkind but I can’t seem to get over the way I feel. I’d be grateful for other perspectives on this.

At the risk of sounding snobbish they are so different from my parents, who are well educated and very polite and reserved. The in-laws aren’t bad people but are not well educated and can be quite loud, coarse and immature - the sort of people who don’t keep with the times and use outdated terms to refer to other races etc. I feel like every time I see them it’s a bit like talking to children. They ask the same questions constantly and they either forget the answers or can’t think of other subjects. They retell the same anecdotes every week. If try to talk about anything I find interesting, FIL can’t understand it.

My parents visit most weeks too but always help out when they come over, eg hanging out some laundry or doing some gardening. They’ve done so much to help me since I was pregnant. I never expect it, it’s just who they are. The in-laws haven’t done anything - from the early days they thought coming over to cuddle DS to give me time to do chores was being helpful. They’ve never even once made me a cup of tea or anything. I know I shouldn’t expect anything but it’s such a marked difference between them and my parents.

I don’t want to exclude them from my son’s life as they are full of love for him, but I do worry they will have a negative influence and won’t encourage him to be well educated and well mannered as he grows up. They often encourage behaviours in their other grandchildren that I wouldn’t like to see in DS.

They want to spoil him, and buy him unwanted tat from pound shops that I don’t know what to do with. We really don’t want to spoil him so are being thoughtful about what we buy.

One thing that really bothers me is that they seem to forget DS is 50% my family - they only care about DH’s link - eg liking photos on social media of DH and the baby but not ones of me or my family with the baby. Whereas my parents seem to make a point of liking posts or making nice comments on pics with them. They try to claim every aspect of DS as being inherited from them and it never occurs to them that I might be looking for aspects of my family in him. I know I sound petty but I do find it annoying.

They want to take on some of the child care when I go back to work but I don’t like the idea, even though it would save money as I don’t want them too heavily involved in DS’s upbringing.

I don’t feel I can talk to DH about this as it would upset him, and I know really I am probably being unreasonable, but can’t seem to get past feeling negatively towards them.

MIL lays it on thick if she doesn’t see us enough - she’ll cry to DH so he feels guilty. So I don’t know how to cut back on their visits without causing upset.

Please help me get some perspective on this and if you think I need to just chill out about it or if it’s fair enough to try to pull back from them a bit.

Just go out when they are there. They get to see their beloved grandson and you don’t have to see them - everyone is a winner

They probably aren't interested in you OP - doesn't sound like you are interested in them - but they love your child unconditionally and the people that do that will only ever be a small circle so I wouldn't shut them out.

I've had my share of being irritated by inlaws over the years but who else would be happy to:
Tell me not to wake my little one up (before he was at school) just for the school run for eldest or not to to take him out in heavy rain/bad weather - they will do it.
Come to my house before 7am because my husband would like to leave for work 10-20 mins before I get home from work
Look after my kids when they are unwell or we are.
Pick the kids up from school when I have had a night shift and feed them their favourite expensive take out (despite never buying take out for themselves) to treat them.
Help pay for my kids extra curricular activities without ever having been asked.
Always be a port in a storm for us if we go on a walk/bike ride. Happy to make us cups of tea and feed the kids anytime we drop in.

I have been a grumpy daughter in law at times and no one is perfect. Not me and not them but over the years they have proven they will do whatever they can to help our family and cherish our kids. I don't know how we will manage without them one day.

I get where you are coming from OP...my PILs are like this and weekly visits would be too much. I think to reduce this though you need DH on board and to be the one communicating and setting the boundaries. They try and arrange things through me and I always bat it to DH to sort. One strategy we found has worked has been 'sorry we're really busy this weekend, but could we pop into yours for a cuppa on X date'.....so being more directive rather than waiting for them to ask if they can come and visit at x time.

But they raised your DH and you fell in love and married him, so they cant have done too bad a job.

You sound a bit snobby tbh

Have you tried leaving the house and do activities with them -- park soft play playgroup - if not now then maybe when older.

I found IL trying at times - same anecdotes same holiday stories and they often seemed to ignore the young children or compete for attention at times - but they were great with days out and when kids were older I did start doing other stuff rather than host all the time. Kids are teens and I think they and GP have many fond memories now of all those trips.

Ha I enjoyed your OP. And you I'm not expecting anything but really I am expecting everything 🍿

YANBU. They could be the nicest, most tolerant, most helpful, funniest, wittiest people alive, and yet still coming once a week to park themselves in your house for half a day, expecting to be "hosted", would be too much. I'd want to bury them in the garden, to be honest, however nice they were. Thank goodness both our respective families live some hours away so we see them at reasonable intervals!

I'd start offering to have them at weekends when your DH is around and make him host (use the opportunity to escape out of the house). You'll probably find that your DH becomes keen for the visits to reduce if you do this.

It's reasonable to cut them back to once a fortnight, not reasonable to make it only every 3-4 weeks. Your MIL can hardly complain if she gets the same level of contact as your parents - assuming your parents don't stay as long as she does. When they come round, leave it to your DH to look after them, or ask if they can help at least with things like carrying cups of tea while you deal with the baby - or go to theirs and leave them to do all the work there. Certainly challenge them on racism every time. And don't consider asking them to help with child care when you go back to work.

If you look on site stuff there is a thread about it, others are having issues with the same thing. It might be worth reporting it on there if it has still not been resolved.

I think you could come up with better arrangements. So perhaps take the baby to them for them to take for a walk in the park whilst you shop/ gym whatever.
Or just leave baby at their house and do anything under the sun - being strict about when you need to pick him up. They feel useful. You get a break.

Do you insist on your surname being pronounced ‘Bouquet’?

Sorry, OP, but you come across as a snob and very unpleasant.

They are who they are, and they are where your DH came from so you need to tread carefully here. I don't think you sound like a snob, you are just saying what you think which is what Mumsnet is for right? However, I don't think you should waste time worrying about how their behaviours/mannerisms/ambitions are going to rub off on him - that's just life and it takes all sorts to make the world go round.

Perhaps say that you've got baby groups etc starting soon, so you won't be able to commit to a visit every week. Or maybe visit them instead so that you can say a quick hi and then leave when you've had enough.

Or arrange more weekend visits so that DH can host.

It doesn’t sound like you embraced them as parents or that you have really wanted to get to know them and have them be part of your family yet you expect that of them.

You are just as different to them as they are to you.

You are also very dismissive of your DH and his role as an equal parent and his rights to his own feelings and opinions.

Let DH do the planning and hosting and just stay away if you can’t keep yourself from judging them for not being as educated or as high class as you.

I don’t get the “well they raised your DH!” comments. Plenty of wonderful people have been raised by absolute horrors. Presumably OP’s DH has taken it upon himself to drag himself out of the racist quagmire and become a better person than his parents – credit to him, not them.

This.
Just to say I think you're being entirely reasonable OP. And I speak as a MIL who's weathered a bit of flack over the years.

Arrange the visits for when dh is there and leave them to it

Read this thread then read the weekly class threads on MN.

There is a class divide. People can try to deny it but it's there.

OP has used the term 'educated' but it's really about class.

Some of what you've said is reasonable- putting down boundaries about safety and racist language around DS. Other stuff like pound tat is just par for the course with in laws.

Leave DH to deal with their visits. Go out. Don't offer tea.

It's a DH problem really.

My DH is lovely despite, not because of, his parents attitudes. They mock my accent, my height, the way I look, my attitudes towards things like money & hygiene - I like to save a bit for a rainy day, I wash my hands after going to the loo whereas MIL just uses antibacterial gel. I refused to put DD in the car without a car seat. They had practically zero idea of basic safety for young children, I saw MIL have a horrible accident with DD on one occasion that could have killed DD simply due to carelessness/refusal to accept her own limitations. I wanted privacy to establish breastfeeding (i.e. not have PILs wander into the house uninvited, & sit down next to me when I was topless a couple of weeks after giving birth). I wanted them not to visit literally every day for the first few months, & for my DD to be treated like a circus attraction, or for them to go upstairs & wake her up for cuddles. When we told them their behaviour was unacceptable they had a literal tantrum, with tears, shouting & sulking. The whole thing about "good parents raise good children" is complete bollocks. My mother is deeply homophobic, the internalised misogyny is appalling, & every conversation has to be about the Church. My father is a drunk who used to hit me. I (hope I) learned from them how not to parent, as did my DH.

I was told on MN that was was being unreasonable too. OP - only you know what's reasonable, what your situation is, & what you can tolerate.

Just wanted to respond to some of the points made.

The suggestion I’m a horrible snob is a bit unfair being as I married a man who didn’t go to university etc. I used the point to show that we are from different backgrounds. But really I should have said they are ignorant about certain things instead of not well educated.

It’s certainly not about money/status as they are better off than we are. I just find them quite closed minded and a bit selfish.

The cup of tea comment is in relation to the early weeks when I was recovering from a difficult birth. I do think it would have been nice if they had looked after me a little bit when they came over (initially 2-3 times a week) by making a cuppa, and maybe heaven forbid even doing the washing up or bringing some leftovers for example.

Relationships are a two way street and while I’m sure it’s partly my fault we aren’t close, I do feel they don’t make much effort either and do and say lots of little things that add up to annoyances over time.

Thanks to everyone who left constructive feedback. I think I have wound myself up and am aware I could have worse in-laws so needed a bit of a reality check. However, I think I need to cut back a little on the visits - perhaps to fortnightly. DH had already said I should do that so goes to show he’s not bothered about seeing them weekly.

I also think informal baby sitting would be more appropriate than formalised weekly childcare given how I feel about some of their attitudes and behaviours.

Tbf if Your Husband let all that shit go on just after you had given birth, then he isnt a god person who has been raised by good people no, he sounds as bad as them!

The suggestion I’m a horrible snob is a bit unfair being as I married a man who didn’t go to university etc

Sorry but this is just pure gold 😂

It’s not fair to pick at every little thing op says. Obviously she is never going to be able to say anything that makes everyone think she’s not snobbish. Maybe she is but everyone is a snob about something. Everyone looks down on certain behaviours and backgrounds - even if it’s reverse snobbery!

OP I wonder if you could have PND if you’re so sensitive to little things like this?

You can't be that worried about the terrible influence they might have on your dc from seeing him once a week if you accept that they brought your dh up and he is fine!

Kids aren't stupid, they know different behaviours/expectations of home/with friends/at school/grandparents etc.

I would step back on the time you personally interact with them and let dh facilitate it. The only thing I might pick up on (not yet but when ds is a year or 2 older) is any "outdated" terms they use that might be offensive. E.g. "mil can you please not refer to people as x, I know you don't mean any harm by it but its a very outdated term now that a lot of people find offensive, and I don't want ds to get in trouble if he repeats it."