Finding in-laws really irritating and don’t want them to visit as much

[BetsyWombat]

I have a five month old baby and my in-laws visit every week to see him. I’m getting really irritated at having to devote half a day each week to this and would like to cut it back to every 3-4 weeks.

However this irritation is bringing up a lot of other negative feelings I have towards them. I know I will sound unkind but I can’t seem to get over the way I feel. I’d be grateful for other perspectives on this.

At the risk of sounding snobbish they are so different from my parents, who are well educated and very polite and reserved. The in-laws aren’t bad people but are not well educated and can be quite loud, coarse and immature - the sort of people who don’t keep with the times and use outdated terms to refer to other races etc. I feel like every time I see them it’s a bit like talking to children. They ask the same questions constantly and they either forget the answers or can’t think of other subjects. They retell the same anecdotes every week. If try to talk about anything I find interesting, FIL can’t understand it.

My parents visit most weeks too but always help out when they come over, eg hanging out some laundry or doing some gardening. They’ve done so much to help me since I was pregnant. I never expect it, it’s just who they are. The in-laws haven’t done anything - from the early days they thought coming over to cuddle DS to give me time to do chores was being helpful. They’ve never even once made me a cup of tea or anything. I know I shouldn’t expect anything but it’s such a marked difference between them and my parents.

I don’t want to exclude them from my son’s life as they are full of love for him, but I do worry they will have a negative influence and won’t encourage him to be well educated and well mannered as he grows up. They often encourage behaviours in their other grandchildren that I wouldn’t like to see in DS.

They want to spoil him, and buy him unwanted tat from pound shops that I don’t know what to do with. We really don’t want to spoil him so are being thoughtful about what we buy.

One thing that really bothers me is that they seem to forget DS is 50% my family - they only care about DH’s link - eg liking photos on social media of DH and the baby but not ones of me or my family with the baby. Whereas my parents seem to make a point of liking posts or making nice comments on pics with them. They try to claim every aspect of DS as being inherited from them and it never occurs to them that I might be looking for aspects of my family in him. I know I sound petty but I do find it annoying.

They want to take on some of the child care when I go back to work but I don’t like the idea, even though it would save money as I don’t want them too heavily involved in DS’s upbringing.

I don’t feel I can talk to DH about this as it would upset him, and I know really I am probably being unreasonable, but can’t seem to get past feeling negatively towards them.

MIL lays it on thick if she doesn’t see us enough - she’ll cry to DH so he feels guilty. So I don’t know how to cut back on their visits without causing upset.

Please help me get some perspective on this and if you think I need to just chill out about it or if it’s fair enough to try to pull back from them a bit.

Yeah sorry OP, I really am not trying to join the pile on, but this is a hilarious comment 🤣

I do understand that when someone annoys you and you have no outlet for that feeling, all the little things build up.

I am surprised though that some people feel once a week is too much to see grandparents. My in-laws see my son once a week, and I feel like they barely get a chance to know him!!

I can relate on the cup of tea thing! My parents came over and made cups of tea, washed up, brought a food shop, helped me hobble to bed (horrendous C-section recovery), etc. PILs sat down, turned on the TV, and waited for tea, then FIL stared openly, barely blinking, while I tried to get DD latched on, then refused a cuddle because “I’ve never held a baby” I felt like yelling “So why are you HERE?!”

Friends and family were still making tea and bringing food at five months and I do the same for anyone who’s had a baby, tbh – you never know who’s got an easy potato baby and who’s still knocked off their feet.

I really think you need to make this DH’s problem: all communication through him, all arrangements for them to come over through him, and only when he’s there. They’re his family to host, not yours. You facilitate your parents coming over, he does the same for his. Even the cutting back to fortnightly: that’s for him to manage. Take a biiiig step back. Do PIL’s text you to come round? Forward the message to DH. Do they just ring the bell as a surprise drop-in? Make sure the door is locked. Etc.

The thing is with the cup of tea and helping round the house thing PIL really cant win.
How many threads on MN have there been over the years where a MIL has done the heinous crime of washing up or putting a load of washing on or offering to hoover etc? They get called interfering, controlling, told they are being passive aggressive insinuating the house is a shit tip etc etc. Posters even telling op to go NC

@ZeroFuchsGiven he is a good person, just extremely ground down by them. We did nearly split up over it at the time though, his lack of willingness to step up - I told him I wasn't able to cope with the utter lack of privacy, his putting their wants before my needs constantly, & he did (slowly) improve. They were pretty appalling to him as a kid/teen, his sibling is the golden child & he is the scapegoat, they threw him out when he had a breakdown & lost his job after the death of a friend, because he wasn't earning he wasn't any use to them any more. They used to take almost his entire wage every month. They soon came with their hand out when they needed money to pay the mortgage a few years later though... he was still somewhat in the FOG at the time. I told him fine but he could fuck off back to live with them, & he realised they'd never bothered with him except when they wanted money, it was like a lightbulb going on. We're on the same page now but it was a long hard road.

Absolutely agree with the point about locking the door against unwelcome surprise visitors, & getting your DH to arrange visits with your PILs if you would find that a better way to go. Make sure he understands that visits with them are to be agreed with you in advance, he doesn't get to just say yes to them & then swan off to the pub/work/wherever, leaving you to deal with it. They're his parents, presumably they would like to see him as well as the baby?

The communication is mainly through me as DH is usually out on site visits, though is sometimes working at home when they’re here.

To be honest I talk to them much more than he does these days. I’m also the one who reminds him of family birthdays and when to send them a text to ask how MIL’s hospital appointment went for example, and updates him on their lives.

However if I haven’t got back to them quickly enough they contact DH to chase me!

I think I should just gradually cut it back by being busy more. I don’t want to create a drama. That’s why I posted on MN rather than confront anyone about it!

Thanks - I think there may be something in this. I do feel quite low fairly often but not sure if it’s depression or just time of year etc

I do think it might be helpful to step back as the communicator between DH and his family. I’m sure he’s perfectly capable if he chooses to be.

Have you also become responsible for Xmas/birthday presents and cards for his family?

I don’t do wife work any more and it’s great. Highly recommend.

I’m also the one who reminds him of family birthdays and when to send them a text to ask how MIL’s hospital appointment went for example, and updates him on their lives.
Nooooo! Stop that immediately. He managed before he met you, presumably. Why are you taking on this “wife work”?

I think you need to change the communication here and make your DH step up to communicate with his own family. No wonder you’re finding them irritating: you’re doing his emotional labour as well as your own.

To be honest I talk to them much more than he does these days. I’m also the one who reminds him of family birthdays and when to send them a text to ask how MIL’s hospital appointment went for example, and updates him on their lives.

Yeah stop doing this for people whom you don't think value you. DH should be the one to lead on this stuff. It's easy to take on the role of The Matriarch when you have a baby and think everyone should have the benefit of your mothering, but this is a short cut to feeling washed up and taken advantage of as you hit menopause and want to kill everyone time passes and the kids stop being babies.

Exactly this 👏👏! I would happily walk into my dd home and start tidying up or make tea or put laundry away. However I would never do this is my ds homes because I know my dil's would act like i was satan himself if i did! I don't even visit my ds's homes without a prior invitation but I often pop into dd's for a quick coffee. My dc were all raised in an informal family who were always in and out of each other's homes so its definitely not what my ds's are used to but they obviously go along with dil's wishes.

I would talk to your DH and say you prefer his parents visiting when he's there too.
Can you meet them out somewhere? It's easier to keep visits shorter if you're in a cafe rather than your own home?
For the times they are at the house, why not use that time to have a break and let them look after your DS for a while.
Before you decide against using their offer of childcare - think about if you trust them to be up to it physically, are they reliable and careful with the baby? If it was for a set day for example, it might be workable. Their influence in terms of attitudes and values is going to be much less than their own parents.
One of my grandparents had some shocking attitudes and chain smoked, but was a devoted and practical granny. None of her grandchildren have turned out like her!

Regarding practical help, my Mum was great. But if I'm honest, that kind of help always felt loaded with a tinge of judgement from my MIL...
It's not universal, but I think daughters find help easier to come by and accept from their own family.

I'm really glad he sorted it out for both yourselves and your dc, they sound awful.

They can't help the way they are but I would find it very unpleasant spending time with them and I wouldn't want them having much to do with my children either

So basically you think they're a bit thick and racist and as a result you find them boring and you are worried about the effect your sons low rent in laws will have on him?

I mean if that's how you feel it's how you feel. Don't agree to see them weekly then-fortnightly say you are busy or whatever. Let DH see them with your son a different regular time and you have some time off (say you have a class to attend or something).
I will say that this won't get easier however and if you want to stay happily married and have a happy child you will make very sure you never show your true feelings about your in laws to either your husband or your kids.

And I would add that maintaining a good relationship with your in laws is good but it’s not your responsibility. Mirror how ur OH treats his IL’s ie your parents. I bet he doesn’t remind you of your parents birthdays or appointments. So why should you. So step back from all the faff - get ur OH to tell his parents that it’s better if comms go thru him - or as you say- pull back from it.

I think you could point out to them that DGS will probably have different race children in his nursery and school and if he uses the racist terms they are using will be in trouble so could they not use them (good to get it sorted before DS understands).

Right, that's it I am now going to pull my daughter out of her final year of university. She may come out 'well educated' but could be left with some rather unattractive personality traits. I would hate her to be judgmental, to exclude people outside of her 'class' and to marry into an uneducated family that do not measure up to my standards.

I would say that once a week is fine but maybe make yourself scarce some weeks (not every)
No to childcare.

I have afew family members who swear etc in front of my DC and it really annoys me.

Completely agree.

They aren't your 'sort of people' but love their grandchild - that is all that matters

Bit surely it’s okay to say people irritate you? I am sure your daughter is irritated by a lot of people.

this couple get on OP’s nerves. The conversation is limited and they make racist comments. And she has to spend hours every week with them.

To be honest having the same conversation over and over again would drive me batty. We have experienced it - people who just have completely different interests. I had a relative who would only talk about soap operas. I don’t watch any. He would keep me up to date on what was happening on various reality tv shows. It was torture. Am I a snob for finding him irritating and tedious? Should my mother have pulled me out of university to avoid this flaw developing in my personality?

When your DC is invited to wear odd socks to a school event to embrace differences please read your monologue back. The mere fact they take time every week to give their grandchild a cuddle is so lovely. I would t dream of letting my mother come over and do my laundry. But hey we're all different. You are a snob and let's hope your DC doesn't develop such traits. Very unattractive.

@Stripedbag101 But she didn't just make a post on irritation did she. She was being judgmental on people that are not university educated. Both of my children are university educated yet do not look down on people that are not. I am one of them that has not been to university. I would be horrified to hear of my children ever speaking about anyone, let alone a relative like that poster has.

They can't be that bad as parents. They managed to bring up your husband who you obviously love.