Finding in-laws really irritating and don’t want them to visit as much

[BetsyWombat]

I have a five month old baby and my in-laws visit every week to see him. I’m getting really irritated at having to devote half a day each week to this and would like to cut it back to every 3-4 weeks.

However this irritation is bringing up a lot of other negative feelings I have towards them. I know I will sound unkind but I can’t seem to get over the way I feel. I’d be grateful for other perspectives on this.

At the risk of sounding snobbish they are so different from my parents, who are well educated and very polite and reserved. The in-laws aren’t bad people but are not well educated and can be quite loud, coarse and immature - the sort of people who don’t keep with the times and use outdated terms to refer to other races etc. I feel like every time I see them it’s a bit like talking to children. They ask the same questions constantly and they either forget the answers or can’t think of other subjects. They retell the same anecdotes every week. If try to talk about anything I find interesting, FIL can’t understand it.

My parents visit most weeks too but always help out when they come over, eg hanging out some laundry or doing some gardening. They’ve done so much to help me since I was pregnant. I never expect it, it’s just who they are. The in-laws haven’t done anything - from the early days they thought coming over to cuddle DS to give me time to do chores was being helpful. They’ve never even once made me a cup of tea or anything. I know I shouldn’t expect anything but it’s such a marked difference between them and my parents.

I don’t want to exclude them from my son’s life as they are full of love for him, but I do worry they will have a negative influence and won’t encourage him to be well educated and well mannered as he grows up. They often encourage behaviours in their other grandchildren that I wouldn’t like to see in DS.

They want to spoil him, and buy him unwanted tat from pound shops that I don’t know what to do with. We really don’t want to spoil him so are being thoughtful about what we buy.

One thing that really bothers me is that they seem to forget DS is 50% my family - they only care about DH’s link - eg liking photos on social media of DH and the baby but not ones of me or my family with the baby. Whereas my parents seem to make a point of liking posts or making nice comments on pics with them. They try to claim every aspect of DS as being inherited from them and it never occurs to them that I might be looking for aspects of my family in him. I know I sound petty but I do find it annoying.

They want to take on some of the child care when I go back to work but I don’t like the idea, even though it would save money as I don’t want them too heavily involved in DS’s upbringing.

I don’t feel I can talk to DH about this as it would upset him, and I know really I am probably being unreasonable, but can’t seem to get past feeling negatively towards them.

MIL lays it on thick if she doesn’t see us enough - she’ll cry to DH so he feels guilty. So I don’t know how to cut back on their visits without causing upset.

Please help me get some perspective on this and if you think I need to just chill out about it or if it’s fair enough to try to pull back from them a bit.

I can see where you're coming from OP, my in laws are similar. Luckily we live far away so visits are not frequent. It doesn't sound as though they are horrible, just more of a personality clash. When I visit the in-laws, it's usually for a week at a time and I just try to make the most of it. Let them spend time with their grandson and I go to the gym, have some child free time, go shopping. That way we can't annoy each other.
I know what you mean about gifts though, MIL always buys thoughtless gifts - baby clothes in wrong size because they were in the sale etc.
She's also very rude, doesn't say please/thank you. Can't cook. Thinks women should be subservient to men and that childcare is a women's job. Oh and she's racist. So she's a delight.

You chose to have these people in your life when you married their son. They didnt choose you and probably wouldnt if they had the choice.

YANBU for not wanting to host your in-laws for half a day, once a week. Your reasons (and god you did not do yourself any favours with the snobbish rant) don't much matter. You don't want to play host so often. Perfectly reasonable.

They should visit when dh is in. And you go out. Gym? Friends? Hobby? Shopping? A long walk? Bike ride? A film? Yoga class? Whatever. This is now you-time. Even if you are tired, getting out of the house for a couple of hours, without the baby, will do you good.

If they are safe to have the baby unsupervised in your home, and cannot visit when dh is home, then leave them with ds. You can get on with stuff at home or go out. Show them where the kettle is. Tell them to settle right in. Then leave.

If they cannot visit when dh is home and you do not want a few hours of free babysitting (or they are not capable of providing safe care), then YWNBU to limit visits to once/month. If dh wants to see them more, he should sort that out.

They are choosing her. They are choosing to visit her for several hours, once a week. The baby can't host guests just yet.

I would hazard a guess at tolerate, the snobbiness oozes from the op, I'm pretty sure they can pick up on it.

The only issue is the racism. That has to stop. My FIL can be like this and me and DH have both categorically told him that if he makes racist or homophobic comments in our house he isn’t welcome back and he does stick to it.

People are being really mean, I think they sound annoying. Once a month might be ok but every week is too much. My in laws were upper middle class and had some similar traits, it nothing to do with class some people are just like this. The thing about just being seen as a vessel for their grandchild is horrible and I know it hurts from experience. Nice people would take an interest in you as well as their grandchild. My in laws used to go on and on about how my DS looked like their side of the family. It’s like they wanted to let me know how unimportant I was in everything.

I understand how you feel OP.

I would personally never meet up with my PIL without DH being there because we just don’t get on that well.

They are DH’s parents, so he should be responsible for arranging to see them and hosting them.

Just be “busy” if they want to see the baby while DH is at work.

Then they need to make the choice to visit only when their son is home. It's not hard. If they dislike her, they should not be over so often. They can sort time with dgc through their ds.

My in laws used to go on and on about how my DS looked like their side of the family. It’s like they wanted to let me know how unimportant I was in everything

So many times I read this on here about inlaws comparing a Grandchild to their side of the family, this to me is completely normal, not a slight in any way, they only know their side of the family, how they looked as kids, their little quirks and traits. How on earth could they possibly compare to the other side of the family? This complaint makes zero sense.

Weekly visits are too much ...let dh sort out when he/they visit ..and not weekly......

Def not for childcare....

Def not for racist remarks ....always challenge......

Personally Im ambivalent about children having lots of peopl 'love' dc if they are rude to me as an individual and would make unsafe choices..... just look at the mil car seat thread....

Think ahead to what works for you dh and dc as a family

Well, I think you know you are being a bit unreasonable, but I understand. My parents do have some of these traits.

I'd say don't give them the regular childcare gig, because I think you do need some level of agreement on standards of care, even if the style of delivery is different. However, I would encourage them to bond with baby with your husband around and take advantage of doing other things. And I would get them to babysit for you from time to time to involve them and allow you a break - you can always say that you don't want them to do regular childcare because you don't want to use up all your goodwill on that instead of babysitting or because you want to make sure that they can commit to all their grandkids.

My recommendation would be just to grin and bare it for now even if you do find them irritable. The visits will lessen as your baby grows. Don't jeopardise your marriage in anyway right now by trying to limit visits.
You are likely hormonal and I was very much the same when my little one was a baby. In a years time you will see things differently.
Also, in-laws will never ever be as good as your own parents whoever you marry. That's just the way it is. Just be polite to them.
And also, it's common to feel like 'you're the producer of a grandchild and in laws don't care for you'.... trust me, they do care for you. They are just so in love with their new beautiful grandchild. Don't ruin things, be nice, be good, breath and take a different perspective. Lots of love to you x

Christ. Be grumpy about them not engaging with you as a person, but don’t turn that into snobbish judgement. People are a product of their upbringing and environment - yes, ideally everyone is now educated and thoughtful enough to know how to treat others in suitably respectful way, but for some it’s going to take longer 🤷‍♀️ that has absolutely no bearing on how much it sounds like they love your child and want to be an active part of his life.

Please check yourself - and remember you may only be a job loss away yourself from only being able to afford ‘poundshop tat’ 🙄

You could always, of course, have a conversation with them to try and build some bridges and develop a different relationship; although I’d say there’s a high probability by now that they’ve picked up on your disdain for them.

I think it’s pretty unreasonable to say “how did you not expect this when you married their son”. No one really knows what kind of grandparents people will be.

i think you are wildly unreasonable in some of what you’re saying BUT I wasn’t prepared for quite how irritating I’d find my MIL when I first had a child. She’d do things like turning up with homemade tat which we had no use for, clap in the baby’s face, turn song lyrics extra jolly by using her name and sing really really loudly with a big fake laugh, would always get up in the night if she cried hovering outside the door in her nightie, she’d message daily for updates but always addressed to the baby “hello Beatrice love, granny loves you” etc. In hindsight, she was just being a loving grandma but I found it so so annoying.

The problem with in laws is that if it’s your own parents you’d have no issue saying “can you make me a tea / can you have the baby while I nap / can you not clap your hands in the baby’s face” but you don’t have that level of familiarity with in laws so little irritations end up being much bigger ones.

some of it is hormones, some of it is navigating the scary world of being a new mum, some of it is forging new relationships with people you think you already know

my advice is - don’t do anything, pick your battles, you might feel differently about some of this and feel silly you’d made an issue of it. And remember- your baby is as much your husband’s as he is yours so not fair to make hard choices all by yourself

No visits when ur other half isn’t there
When they visit you go out or say oh great I’m going to have a long bath and leave them, OH and baby.
They expect you to host and ‘be’ the DIL. So don’t do either get some boundaries in place that are agreed between u and ur OH.
They are his responsibility not urs.
And do not be critical of them - they are ur OHs family. You need to step away.

It’s not being a snob to find loud, racist, un-safety-conscious people who ignore you and buy unwanted gifts annoying. It’s also not being a snob to expect family & in-laws to offer some amount of practical help.

@BetsyWombat don’t have them over when DH is not around. When he is, join in sometimes and be unavailable at others. You do sound a bit snobby but I know what you’re trying to say. But also you CAN draw the line and DH can say ‘please no more tat - there’s so much waste these days we want to get into habit of not buying loads of unnecessary stuff, but bedtime story books are always welcome’ (and don’t need to be expensive/can come from charity shops etc). Gently let them know your abd DH’s house rules (and let DH take the lead there). Do you visit them? If so, that’s when they might make you a cuppa and then you’re the guest.

Make yourself unavailable.

My parents have embraced DH as a son but in-laws have never made me feel like I’m one of their family.

Because they know what you think of them. Poor people

Absolutely this ^

OP, I don't think you've been brought up too well by your perfect parents. If someone comes to your house, unless you are incapable, you ask them if they would like a cup of tea and then you make it for them.

Of course it’s normal but there is also a normal amount of times to mention it. Going on and on about it is definitely trying to send a message. It’s ok to find other people impolite! I used to start saying “oh I think he looks like my brother “ and would be told how wrong I am. It’s a reality that some people say things to hurt other people and I have enough self respect to challenge that!

They sound very over bearing . You must have realised this when getting together with your partner though . I think he needs to step up and ask them to visit once a month as you have other plans eg make up something if you aren't comfortable telling them outright .

I don't think you've ever given them a chance for you to like them. They just want to see their grandchild.