Finding in-laws really irritating and don’t want them to visit as much

[BetsyWombat]

I have a five month old baby and my in-laws visit every week to see him. I’m getting really irritated at having to devote half a day each week to this and would like to cut it back to every 3-4 weeks.

However this irritation is bringing up a lot of other negative feelings I have towards them. I know I will sound unkind but I can’t seem to get over the way I feel. I’d be grateful for other perspectives on this.

At the risk of sounding snobbish they are so different from my parents, who are well educated and very polite and reserved. The in-laws aren’t bad people but are not well educated and can be quite loud, coarse and immature - the sort of people who don’t keep with the times and use outdated terms to refer to other races etc. I feel like every time I see them it’s a bit like talking to children. They ask the same questions constantly and they either forget the answers or can’t think of other subjects. They retell the same anecdotes every week. If try to talk about anything I find interesting, FIL can’t understand it.

My parents visit most weeks too but always help out when they come over, eg hanging out some laundry or doing some gardening. They’ve done so much to help me since I was pregnant. I never expect it, it’s just who they are. The in-laws haven’t done anything - from the early days they thought coming over to cuddle DS to give me time to do chores was being helpful. They’ve never even once made me a cup of tea or anything. I know I shouldn’t expect anything but it’s such a marked difference between them and my parents.

I don’t want to exclude them from my son’s life as they are full of love for him, but I do worry they will have a negative influence and won’t encourage him to be well educated and well mannered as he grows up. They often encourage behaviours in their other grandchildren that I wouldn’t like to see in DS.

They want to spoil him, and buy him unwanted tat from pound shops that I don’t know what to do with. We really don’t want to spoil him so are being thoughtful about what we buy.

One thing that really bothers me is that they seem to forget DS is 50% my family - they only care about DH’s link - eg liking photos on social media of DH and the baby but not ones of me or my family with the baby. Whereas my parents seem to make a point of liking posts or making nice comments on pics with them. They try to claim every aspect of DS as being inherited from them and it never occurs to them that I might be looking for aspects of my family in him. I know I sound petty but I do find it annoying.

They want to take on some of the child care when I go back to work but I don’t like the idea, even though it would save money as I don’t want them too heavily involved in DS’s upbringing.

I don’t feel I can talk to DH about this as it would upset him, and I know really I am probably being unreasonable, but can’t seem to get past feeling negatively towards them.

MIL lays it on thick if she doesn’t see us enough - she’ll cry to DH so he feels guilty. So I don’t know how to cut back on their visits without causing upset.

Please help me get some perspective on this and if you think I need to just chill out about it or if it’s fair enough to try to pull back from them a bit.

OP I completely get it and I'm in a similar position, although luckily my PILs are 2.5 hours away and only come once a month. I used to get on better with them and my parents made an effort with them, had them stay over for Christmas etc, but we fell out when I was pregnant (their fault) while I engage with them for DP’s sake, I find them irritating and rude, and pretty useless. They have since been rude to my parents and have a big chip on their shoulder, essentially they just don’t know how to behave.

My parents look after DD two days a week while I work and often help us in other ways too, they are fab. PILs won’t have that relationship with her but I don’t want them to have an influence either.

i understand that there are some genuine concerns with the bigoted view points that you claim they have however I think you’re being pretty unfair. I think if you’re concerned about that you need to address this with your OH or ask them to watch what they’re saying around LO.

But….who’s to say that your family is any more worthy of spending time with your child than they are? I don’t always think my in laws and I have a lot in common but I’m over the moon that there are people that think she’s as great as I do. It is a blessing to have people in your life that want to be so involved with your child. It’s upsetting to think you’d want them to have less involvement just because of some personal gripes.

I’m really sorry but despite your obvious intelligence and your degree you need a reality check.

Hi
I know this thread is old but wondered how you were getting on?

I’m in the exact same position myself now.
They are very warm people and have never done anything malicious towards me but I absolutely dread their visits. I hear the same stories every time, they sit down and expect to be waited on.
FIL makes comments about everything I do with baby ( how I hold him, responding to him when he cries and also walked away with him at a family party when he was screaming and I’d asked for him back twice to settle him).

what’s laughable Is he didn’t do much in terms of feeding and changing his own kids when they were babies but thinks he’s qualified to give unsolicited advice to me ( I’m a paediatric nurse).

I hate being around him. His Mum is fine, a bit annoying with same stories but a warm and nice woman. But FIL is draining.

dont apologize for how you feel or how your seen. In-laws can be very overbearing. Not every in-law or situation is the same. My MIL was always over affectionate with my husband and so needy with him and his brothers. She depended on them so much emotionally. At first I tried to be grown about it and not let it affect me. However when she started to make slick comments intentionally to upset me with her affection towards him the gloves came off and I no longer stayed silent. Unfortunately at the beginning I was more than kind to them and the “daughter they never had”. Showering them with gifts and appreciation. I even invited them to a Colorado trip my husband planned for ME for MY birthday. However the more we did the more they wanted. Also my MIL ran over my kitten and never mentioned it to me or ever said she was sorry. From that day forward how I saw her changed. She ran him over and didn’t even stop. She told my husband and kept on going smh. Now that I have my newborn she wants to see him every single day. And acts very overly nice just to see him. She said she loves that I talk to my baby with so much love and that “now I should know why a mother talks to her son that way with so much love” referring on how she speaks to my husband. And I told her “ this is my baby he is a newborn, my husband is 29 years old and is not a baby. And she just laughs . She’s quite the character. I don’t care what no one says. I love my husband and my baby and I will not let this woman’s unhealthy ways affect my family or influence them. My husband knows how his mother is and doesn’t tell me anything. I understand I have to be grown as a woman to allow her to see her grandchild which is fine. But I Will NOT tolerate her nonsense and let her know on the spot each time. And she definitely still makes smart remarks but I hold my ground. I even take my newborn son to her and say “ look baby this is your grandma “. But I don’t let her hold him anymore because she held him wrong at just 3 weeks old. I don’t deny him his grandma and I don’t deny my husband his mother. But I don’t tolerate her nonsense and I let it be known.

OP: Your situation with in laws sound like mine. This post is old but I felt compelled to comment, I don't like seeing you gaslit by other posters. You are justified and I don't think you're being snobby at all. I have no advice, just solidarity.