Finding in-laws really irritating and don’t want them to visit as much

[BetsyWombat]

I have a five month old baby and my in-laws visit every week to see him. I’m getting really irritated at having to devote half a day each week to this and would like to cut it back to every 3-4 weeks.

However this irritation is bringing up a lot of other negative feelings I have towards them. I know I will sound unkind but I can’t seem to get over the way I feel. I’d be grateful for other perspectives on this.

At the risk of sounding snobbish they are so different from my parents, who are well educated and very polite and reserved. The in-laws aren’t bad people but are not well educated and can be quite loud, coarse and immature - the sort of people who don’t keep with the times and use outdated terms to refer to other races etc. I feel like every time I see them it’s a bit like talking to children. They ask the same questions constantly and they either forget the answers or can’t think of other subjects. They retell the same anecdotes every week. If try to talk about anything I find interesting, FIL can’t understand it.

My parents visit most weeks too but always help out when they come over, eg hanging out some laundry or doing some gardening. They’ve done so much to help me since I was pregnant. I never expect it, it’s just who they are. The in-laws haven’t done anything - from the early days they thought coming over to cuddle DS to give me time to do chores was being helpful. They’ve never even once made me a cup of tea or anything. I know I shouldn’t expect anything but it’s such a marked difference between them and my parents.

I don’t want to exclude them from my son’s life as they are full of love for him, but I do worry they will have a negative influence and won’t encourage him to be well educated and well mannered as he grows up. They often encourage behaviours in their other grandchildren that I wouldn’t like to see in DS.

They want to spoil him, and buy him unwanted tat from pound shops that I don’t know what to do with. We really don’t want to spoil him so are being thoughtful about what we buy.

One thing that really bothers me is that they seem to forget DS is 50% my family - they only care about DH’s link - eg liking photos on social media of DH and the baby but not ones of me or my family with the baby. Whereas my parents seem to make a point of liking posts or making nice comments on pics with them. They try to claim every aspect of DS as being inherited from them and it never occurs to them that I might be looking for aspects of my family in him. I know I sound petty but I do find it annoying.

They want to take on some of the child care when I go back to work but I don’t like the idea, even though it would save money as I don’t want them too heavily involved in DS’s upbringing.

I don’t feel I can talk to DH about this as it would upset him, and I know really I am probably being unreasonable, but can’t seem to get past feeling negatively towards them.

MIL lays it on thick if she doesn’t see us enough - she’ll cry to DH so he feels guilty. So I don’t know how to cut back on their visits without causing upset.

Please help me get some perspective on this and if you think I need to just chill out about it or if it’s fair enough to try to pull back from them a bit.

Oh. Dear. Me.

Are you really saying that it’s impossible for a decent child to come from abusive parents? It’s all to do with parenting, nothing to do with the individual, their own life experiences?
What if the parents are lovely & their child grows up to be horrible, is that down to bad parenting then? Or individual choices?

I’m not surprised the OP hasn’t been back.

Wow I'm so sorry you're getting all this hate for quite reasonable opinions. Some really nasty comments here, I can only assume people who recognise their own bad behaviour and are feeling attacked. Or more generously, perhaps they misunderstand what you mean by educated and think you expect them to have PhDs.

My situation is similar except thank god the in laws are on another continent.
I think you've found the answer yourself really - just use their time as babysitting and go and do whatever you want while they are there.
Try not to worry about the impact of them on your child. Pick your battles - don't let them get away with genuine racism or other awful attitudes in front of you or it will send a message to the child. But try not to worry about what they say when you're not there, they will not be the biggest influence in your child's life. My husband, like yours, turned out fine despite some ignorant family attitudes.

They ignore modern slavery guidelines? Aye sure. Got a workhouse in the garage have they?

You sound stuck up

Thanks - the level of vitriol on MN never ceases to amaze me. I did expect a certain amount, but I may as well have murdered my PIL from some reactions. Feel like I hit a nerve with some people.

I’m sure those posters never make judgements or have anything unkind to say about anyone…

Anyway you’re right in that they won’t be the biggest influence in my son’s life, so I should stop worrying about that side of things. But I will have to keep an eye on some of their behaviours in front of DS.

I think it's fairly normal for in-laws to be mainly interested in how the baby interacts with their own side of the family. Especially when their child is the husband, because men usually interact with their mothers differently than women do. A woman might share a lot of details with her own mother, just in the course of natural mother-daughter conversation, about feeling tired, the baby not sleeping, wishing she could have that delicious breakfast mum used to make on Sundays (hint hint, and of course your mum, etc. A woman might also be taught how to breastfeed and do baby care by her own mum, not so much by her husband's mum. So your mum likely feels closer to your baby and more accepted, as well as is more intuitive about YOUR needs, just because she's your mum. (I know this is not true for every mum, but in general I think it's more usual for women to be closer and have a closer and more "hands-on" grandparenting relationship with their mother than men do). So your MIL maybe feels she needs to make a special effort to ensure her side of the family is not forgotten, whereas your own mum may feel very secure and therefore able to give more attention to ensuring the OTHER grandfamily is not forgotten too.

The other stuff, racist speech etc, I don't have any input. Sounds hard. You can decrease frequency to once every 2-3 weeks with my blessing, but I'm just a person on the internet, it's your decision.

But she came back and clarified that point - it’s not about education, it’s that they are ignorant and selfish. There conversation is repetitive and they use racist terms.

it’s okay to be irritated by that.

think of the reverse - I hate my in-laws they are such intellectual bores. All they want to do is talk constantly about art and politics, neither of which interest me. They have the same conversations over and aver agin but don't seem to pick up on my disinterest. I also disagree with their political views - which can at times be offensive. Maybe we aren’t connecting because they went to university and are well educated and I am not.

would there have been such an outcry?

You have definitely not hit my nerve, more the majority of MN have hit yours. You asked opinions, you get them and you mock the responses. It's the contempt for your in laws that is so nasty & unpleasant.

@HopelesslyOptimistic I was just thinking the same.

It’s absolutely one of the worst things of MN that your post can be 95% reasonable but you mention something in a way with clumsy wording and posters fall over themselves to insult you in a way worse way than anything you’ve said in your post. You then try to clarify it and that gets ripped to shreds.

If was badly worded and I don’t agree with all your post but some of the vitriol you’ve had here has been downright nasty. Any excuse for a pile on.

Where did the OP “mock the responses”?

@ShirleyPhallus

Agreed. I really wish mumsnet was kinder to OPs sometimes.

And when did it become acceptable to turn a blind eye to racism??? Call OP a snob if you like but that's nothing to what her ILs are saying. Why should she accept that?

Sounds like you are a MIL who has been on the receiving end of something similar yourself!

Why can’t she feel contempt for the selfish racists anyway? They sound at much more ‘nasty and unpleasant’ than the op.

No not a MIL.... although your comment make me smile. Many more years to go. No one has said turn a blind eye to racism & I certainly wouldn't and nor should she. That's not what her post is about. The tone, her ungratefulness, snobbery that no doubt will feed into her child, lack of sentiment for her DH feelings when she clearly revels in comparing how awesome her parents are compared to his. Yes they sound imperfect, yes no doubt irritating, yes not PC but they are trying to be part of their grandchild's life. That's what jumps out to me. Yet she mocks MN are "vitriol" - she needs to read her own post back!

Obviously op hasn’t done herself any favours by highlighting their lack of education (though she clarified she meant racism and general ignorance). However I wouldn’t judge her too harshly on the other points as it can be such a difficult relationship. Many people at the very least find PIL a bit annoying and need an occasional rant.

IME the power between PIL and DIL/SIL is in the hands of the PIL in the early days, and they too often treat DIL/SIL as a temporary family member, thinking they are not good enough for precious son or daughter even 10-15 years down the line. I saw this with my own GM who was a wonderful grandmother but resented my dad hugely for taking away her DD and generally not being good enough (even though he’s been a fantastic husband and father). He was laid back enough to ignore her behaviour but most wouldn’t be.

Of course, once children are in the picture the power balance shifts and suddenly the DIL who hasn’t been warmly embraced has control over GP’s relationship with GC. Their son will almost always side with their wife over their own parents. Something for us all to think about when we become MIL.

Sounds like in this case OP’s DH isn’t too engaged with his own parents and has already given the green light to reduce visits, which I think is quite telling.

I do think, though, that DIL are almost programmed to be wary of MIL, but then you hear so many horror stories…

Ignore all the vitriol OP, the usual nasty people piling on.

My in laws are the same so I totally get it.

I let the small things go - don't worry about social media likes for eg.

Be out when they come as much as you can. As soon as the baby is crawling, weaned you can leave him with them or rope in your DH to manage it. Invite them round when he is there.

I’m sure those posters never make judgements or have anything unkind to say about anyone…

Well I'm judging you, just like you are judging your inlaws and you certainly have not hit a nerve with me I just think you are a nasty person

Good grief, there is a lot of hate on this thread which is quite saddening, whatever happened to being kind and polite.

Anyway OP, I get where you are coming from, I wouldn't put up with anything racist /homophobic etc. We dislike anyone coming to our house so no one ever does.

They sound quite controlling if they pester dh to chase you up on contact, you could be taking a nap, or having some time with your dc out and about. I would personally make ourselves unavailable, go and enjoy some time together, just you and dc, or let dh set in and you go and have some 'you' time, which we are all entitled to and need for our own sakes.

I hope that you are able to figure something out, I couldn't tolerate people coming over week in week out so I understand where you are coming from. Everything else they do that you have said I would take with a pinch of salt.

@BetsyWombat Hi. Just wanted to send some love. You reminded me of how annoying my ex's family are and how I don't have to put on a fake smile or laugh with them anymore as they sound similar to yours. They are very uncouth and common.

My 2p's worth is to make excuses for them to visit less or try get DH to deal with them or say you are tired and go for a sleep.

honestly you sound pathetic and a fucking princess

Just horrible. Why do people think it’s ok to talk to other people like this.

You, though, sound lovely.

Unnecessary and completely out of proportion.

Christ, you sound absolutely vile. I mean, really nasty.

Some people on this thread have a real chip on their shoulder.

tell your husband you find it tiring to entertain his parents every week. Tell him that you folks actually Physically help you when they come.

suggest to Hubby that his parents visit Once a month, that He Takes the Baby to see Them once a month & all other visits are to be pre-arranged.

if they complain that your parents visit more often be truthful, tell them that your parents do laundry, gardening, errands & other chores & that they pamper you a bit, making lunch, cups of tea & look after baby while you get much needed rest.

you also need to stop complaining about what you don’t have & ask for what you want, eg MIL , I need to feed baby, would you mind making a cup of tea for us. FIL, Hubby is doing the lawns he would appreciate some help.

relationships are 2 way streets if you want help you need to ask for it. My MIL was like yours, not well educated, repeated herself a lot & never really offered to help with anything but when I stopped resenting her & started asking for her help she never said no, she wanted to help but didn’t want to be seen as overstepping or interfering .