Should we have children?

[FrankPelham]

I am 47, DW is 39. We have been together for 17 years. I have a 28-year old daughter as a result of a teenage "holiday fling", she was born in America and at her mother's request has never been part of my life.

I have never wanted children and neither has DW. Until now... the ticking has started and it is loud. Many of her friends are pregnant or have babies. Sometimes DW gets very down about this situation, understandably. VERY very down.

Why don't I want children?

• Life is full. We both have many and varied interests in sports and the arts. We go out regularly, both together and individually. I don't want that to change.

• When I'm a pensioner, I don't want to be sharing my home with a teenager.

• We come and go as we please. We are both freelance journalists (on very different publications) so hours can be unpredictable and both of us sometimes work late at the office. Also, both of us often go climbing with friends (or camping, etc) for the weekend at very short notice. I don't want that to change.

• I love PEACE at home. During quiet weekends I like nothing better than to sit in our living room with the garden doors open and read the Telegraph in total silence.

• We are financially independent; we have never had a shared account; DW hates depending on other people. If we have a child, she will depend on me financially but will resent having to ask. I don't want to suddenly spend my money on anyone else and will resent being asked.

If I have children it will only be to keep DW, but my nice easy life will be ruined. And how much time will she be able to spend with me anyway? If I don't have children, DW may resent me for the rest of our days, or leave me to have children - which she is seriously considering.

What should I do? Can anybody share experiences of this situation?

I am asking in Mumsnet because after searching the internet for a suitable place to ask, there seems to be a good mixture of people here.

We had our kids in our early 40's, we too had interests in sports and travelling and actually I myself did not like kids very much. So I can see exactly where you are coming from.
However I will say that when you have your own children it is completely different and much as you think it won't change you having children it does. I am a different person now than I was before we had children. I hated it when people told me I would change but it is true.
I now love my two kids like I could love no other. I have dreams hopes and aspirations for them, I laugh with them and I cry with them. Yes at times they drive me mad. The lack of sleep in the early months was so so hard. Yes my life will never be the same and there are times when I hanker for the old life, but my new life is more rewarding.
To be honest if you don't want kids don't have them but don't automatically assume the worst about parenting which is what you are doing. You have not mentioned the positive things that parenting involves.
I honestly think that until you are there you will not understand as I certainly did not.
Good luck either way.

I haven't read all the replies but my reaction to your post is to think very carefully if these are your feelings as having a baby puts real pressure on a relationship so if it is not something both of you want it may not be a good idea. Otoh a woman's ticking biological clock will also put a lot of pressure on your relationship......

Haven't read through all the responses, but one thing that strikes me from posts up to page 3, is that everyone is very full of hearts and flowers stories of deciding to have children and then having them, and being delighted. This is not to reopen the discussion over whether you and your DW have "left it too late", but whatever your age sad outcomes, stress and anxiety in TTC and childbearing are pretty common. My DD was stillborn; this is something that happens to about 1 in 750, I think. There are lots of other things that can go wrong as I'm sure you're aware.

What's the relevance of this? From my perspective, as someone who's wanted children, though (which probably makes it very different) you are worrying about the wrong things. Yes, you're right, you won't be able to read the Telegraph in peace or go off on holiday on a whim (well, you can actually, but not rock climbing without some negotiation). These things are temporary (relatively speaking) and you probably wouldn't miss them as much as you thought. You do IMHO need to ask yourself whether you are prepared to take the risk of heartache, from trying and failing to conceive, or losing a baby or having a sick child. Weighed against the risk of your DW leaving you to have children with someone else.

Either way, you risk something which may rank as one of the biggest sadnesses of your life. Maybe I am nuts, but I think the risk of a major personal sadness through circumstances beyond your control [i.e. not conceiving or tragic pregnancy outcome] is one worth taking, but risking major personal sadness [i.e. losing your wife] because of a lifestyle is not.

I don't mean to belittle your original concerns. I really do sometimes mourn the loss of peace and quiet, spontaneity. and childfree comfort. But there are compensations, which others have described.

You want your quiet life and she wants a baby. Have one. If you can't hack it you can split up. Then, you'll get your quiet life back and she'll have her baby.

BTW We are the same age as you and have been together 20 years. We have a 4yo and a 1yo.

and the kid will have a father who doesn't really want him/her and there'll be a painful divorce to deal with, too.

hell, i remember how much even an amicable divorce with no children hurt, and it was a long time coming, even.

NOT a good suggestion, shitemum.

x-post with you mrsgboring - so sorry for your loss, and very true what you say, all of it.

you can go on holiday with kids at short notice. especially if you only have one. you just have to take more stuff.

and you can have peace and quiet too, but not as much of it.

do you know lots of neurotic parents perhaps? you don't have to be neurotic to be a parent you know. also there is such a thing as a nanny. there is even such a thing as a nanny who will accompany you on climbing holidays.

expat - I wasn't trying to be flip, tho i see i do come across that way, sorry.
I feel sorry for his DW, she obviously desperately wants to try for a baby. He's risking losing her over this anyway so way not have a baby if she wants one so much. The odds are that he will love his new family.

If you have reached 47 and GENUINELY do not want children then you really should not allow others to persuade you into it.

you have a child already, who is not part of your life. perhaps if you did want children, you would have fought her mother for visitation? or having her in your life at some level.

in your OP it is all about the reasons why not, you seem pretty set in your view, and there is nothing wrong with that

i do not believe you can get to 47 years of age without being clear on whether or not you are paternal/ maternal.

your DW might be thinking this is her last chance as she approaches 40, and it is too late to try to start a new relationship and get pregnant with someone else.

it is a complicated situation, and not one that anyone other than you and your DW hold the answer to.

can you think of any reasons to have children, other than that DW wants a baby? sorry if you have already addressed this, it is a long thread, and i have not read it all

But to make a life-changing decision based on odds is not very wise, shitemum, particularly at that age.

I've been in this situation, although admittedly I was far younger.

It still hurt A LOT.

But you know, I thought about how few guarantees there are in life, and then I thought, 'The least I can do is try to give my child a mother AND a father who so wanted him/her and so loved him/her, even if he/she was only an idea, a desire, a dream.'

Now, looking back, I know it was the right decision, because as has been pointed out, I have a disabled child AND I was very ill after the birth of our children.

These challenges alone were enough to put stress on our relationship, and it was only because we were so solid in our commitment as a family that we survived.

A wise post, lulu.

I couldn't agree more.

Lulu,

I don't agree with your point on maternal/paternal. As has been said lower down the thread, many (many many including me) only find the maternal gene AFTER they've had children.

The friends I have who are childless, well many of them are better with children than I would have been with no experience.

I agree completely with someone knowing in their own mind and heart what they want at 47.

i was using maternal/ paternal in the sense of wanting children , actually having that yearning for children, rather than feeling maternal/paternal towards children. if that makes any sense....

i didn;t want children particularly, certainly not until i was in my 30s, i wanted a hot shot career, then i met DH at aged 21 and had DS at 24......the yearning for a child was so over whelming and all consuming

it was not a decision that needed input from anyone else

i hope the OP and his DW make the right decision for themselves and are happy

Sure - you might be lucky and finsd that, actually, you do get those nice paternal feelings coming through. Or not. Then pity that poor child...

Same here, lulu.

As I've said, this subject is close to my heart for obvious reasons.

My ex h knew he didn't want any at 34, and I felt it was unfair to force it, as he felt it was unfair to make the decision for me.

We tried counselling to reach an agreement and were separated for 2 years before finally divorcing when I was 20.

But now he is in his 40s and guess what, he still feels the same way.

I'm glad I didn't belittle his feelings, his desire not to have children. He deserved at least that respect.

That's why we're able to still be friends, and he and his 'new' wife are fantastic with our dd's.

Sorry, I was 30 when we divorced.

i thikn there is a difference between being afraid of taking that leap into the unknown of having children, and wondering how your life will change, and actually not wanting to take that leap

glad that you found the most amicable way out of your situation , expat

I think you have a point lulumama, but the op doesn't actually give any real,deep reasons for not wanting children (such as not liking them, or having political objections to them). as people have said, you don't have to "lose" your lifestyle when you have children. you just have to fit more things in.

also if a woman can not know her mind on this issue until she's 39, surely a man (or a woman) can be unsure at 47?

you are right of course. don;t know if either of them have been agonising ( or not ) about this decision for years

I think its worth thinking about.

The person I split up from who didn't want children cited being unable to travel as a reason for not wanting them. I thought he was mad and said that children didn't have to stop travel/holidays etc. And anyway we split up etc etc. And of course with my particular family combination we can't travel, and won;t be able to for many years yet. It doesn't bother me but I often think its lucky we split as obviously it would have bothered him.

Frankpelham, do bear in mind that although you have experience of other people's chidren, it's not he same as having your own. Most people feel an overwhelming love for their own children that isn't there with other people's.

But for many people, their lifestyle is their life.

And there's really nothing wrong with that.