Regret at having more than one child?

[Blueotterwhale]

Does anyone regret having more than 1 child?

We have one, love our life. I'm an only and never thought I would have an only but our life is so fulfilled with one. All I can think of is the negative side of 2, the fighting, not getting along less time, less money for fun things, no holiday every year, less free time for us etc.

We are at the point where we need to decide whether to add another (which of course might still not happen even if we want it to) but I'm feeling so conflicted. Can anyone provide experience of having 2 and the positives? Or just of having 1 and being glad you didn't have a second?

Only have a second child if you genuinely want one- not for the sibling or you think you should.
For what it’s worth our second born is the (second!) light of our lives and we adore her. They have a constant playmate and already have in jokes and mess around together so much. I grew up with siblings and always wanted those relationships for them. DH was an only and was desperate for at least one as he had a lonely childhood, his mum was a single mum so his house was so quiet.

its not supposed to be insulting it’s just my personal experience. I don’t think my aunt should be worrying herself sick like this, but she is - all I meant was if you think it’s something you would end up worrying about, to consider it as a factor in whether to have another

I have two. I adore the youngest but by God it's been hard. In the dark times I do look at my eldest and feel so guilty. He'd have so much more of my attention, he'd have a lot more financial security in the future and he'd spend a lot less time arguing and fighter with a smaller version of himself.

My hip might still be functional. My shoulder might not be wrecked from carrying an incredibly heavy baby & then toddler.

I'd have a home office instead of a playroom.

I'd be looking forward to the end of primary school drop off & pick up....

I adore my youngest and I wouldn't change him for the world. But if I could chose again, I would stick with 1.

It is a very personal decision and these threads generally seem to end up in some sort of only child bashing which makes parents of only children feel like shit, especially when it hasn't been a choice.

I think it also depends on what you know. I'm an only child with an only (though I wanted two and infertility prevented it). I'm used to a calm-ish house and think I would really struggle with the constant noise of multiple kids. If you've got siblings yourself and are used to a noisy house, then you're probably more likely to feel like only having 1 child is somehow 'less than'.

Pros and cons to both situations I think.

I can relate to this, my husband and I are both only children and I struggled for a long time deciding if we should have a second child. I have MS and was approaching 37 when I got pregnant again so it wasn’t an easy choice. My two are 7 months and 4 years now and I am done, but happy. They aren’t close enough in age to really play together, which is fine, although I’d be lying I I said it hasn’t been a bit hard on my oldest. The dynamic has changed.

I was never lonely growing up so could never understand people saying they had a second child so their first wouldn’t be alone. That seems like a less than stellar reason and quite a gamble. I want mine to respect each other as fellow humans but I’m trying not to assume they’ll always be close. I’ve struggled through the ill health and death of a parent as an only already… maybe a sibling would have helped, maybe not?

I think as more people are sticking to one the world is realising it doesn’t harm kids at all. I think if you decide to love your life as you are you should feel 0 guilt. I had the BEST childhood. Having said that, I chose 2 for myself for (honestly) selfish reasons. The only way I can imagine regretting that (and my second is a horrible sleeper) is if things get much worse for us financially- a realistic possibility.

I thought I'd only have one. But my first asked me can we have a baby? And then we started trying had a miscarriage and then had a baby girl 3 years 9 months after the first. Both are girls and bond great no issues. They're nearly 2 and 5 and are perfect. As a parents it been a bit easier on me as instead of giving my all to one child I balance between the two and funnily enough it's less stress and pressure. I'm pregnant with a 3rd I'm not sure how I'm feeling but I would have been happy with 2.

We have 2. I'd like another but husband does not. 2 is tough but I absolutely love seeing them running around together. They obviously squabble too.
The thing I see with some friends who are only children and now in their 40s & 50s, they have the full weight of responsibility of looking after their parents. My one friend who is also single is under pressure to marry and her parents would love a grandchild. She feels so guilty that it probably won't happen. Realise this won't apply to all and just what I've seen with a coupe of friends. They all enjoyed & had fullfiling childhoods.

I have one. She’s enough. I don’t need a do-over, an extra, a spare - she’s already everything. I’m a better mother to her as a mother of one child, and she’s my priority over and above some potential future child who might never exist.

I’m fairly indifferent to my siblings and DH’s life is actively worse as a result of his, so this has no doubt coloured our views.

Oh, and my mother is terminally ill, since I see the “caring for elderly parents” thing has already come up. The level of support and help and assistance I’ve received from my DH and friends has far surpassed anything my siblings are doing.

I’ve got 8 years between my boys (age 11and 3) so had an only child for a long while before adding another to the family! It did change everything!! The second was a lot my challenging for the first couple of years (not an easy baby like my first) life is definitely more chaotic and they now fight a lot! And both very boisterous so my house is a state half the time! Lol But I’m so glad I had my second I’ve seen sides of my first son that never would have come out had he been an only child … and it’s taught him a lot , they have an amazing bond and even my eldest said that holidays and stuff are so much better now youngest is here, there is something special about a sibling you can’t find in anyone else but it’s what’s right for your family because adding another does come with a lot of changes. I would actually have another as it’s so nice watching them grow together but we just don’t have the space! X

This has made me realise it's a bloody good job my parents had a 2nd child because they'd both be screwed if only had my older brother to look after them.

Or he would have stepped up if there had been no other choice. But all too often men feel it's a woman's job to care for the elderly so the daughter gets stuck with it. But the inheritance still gets split evenly...

It worked out for various reasons I have 1DC. I’m now really glad of this and (while they want through a short period wanting a sibling), they are now relieved it didn’t happen. They get to have their own room/space which is more important as they get older.

DC always played well imaginatively and didn’t demand to be constantly entertained (even from a young child), that’s possibly a bit of a myth perpetuated about ‘onlys’ or something some parents create themselves.

Having 1 is already huge expense even if you are very sensible but want to feed them healthy food for example (and everything gets more expensive as they get older, especially food prices now and as their appetites increase).

I have no family support and they were able to come along with me or be looked after at short notice if necessary without any issues, which would have been so much harder with 2.

DC has a group of lovely friends who come over and they are very close. They are from a mix of different family sizes. It’s lovely to hear them laughing and they are the same age, sharing similar interests. There are many myths about ‘onlys’, but DC is generous and enjoys sharing.

I don’t have anything negative to say apart from I never got to reuse anything I bought (including washable nappies) which looked nearly new, but was able to donate to a friend who went on to have 4 children (so well used!) and charity shops.

To counter some of the outdated reasons:

It can be a source of family conflict and make everything so much harder when the sibling leaves dealing with elderly parents totally up their DB or DS. This situation one of my friends is in and it’s eating away at them far more than the actual situation with the parents.

It IS hard for only children dealing with this (2 other friends), but at least they are not expecting support that doesn’t arrive and are able to make decisions without a committee.

You can’t guarantee the needs or personality of the sibling, the relationship will be supportive or destructive as they grow up, or strain it could put on the family - physical and mental health, overcrowding, financial burden.

@Blueotterwhale came across this old thread was just interested to see what you decided in the end? X

If you're happy don't change your life based on a maybe.
I have two, expecting number three soon.
My two are two years apart, best friends, fight occasionally but lovely bond. I couldn't have imagined one without the other.

@Sostressed1234 we have decided to try for another one. If it happens, it happens and its meant to be for us and if it doesn't then we are happy with our triangle 😊

@Blueotterwhale pleased you’ve come to a decision that in itself is a big relief - we found that rather than keep going backwards & forwards on it! Good to also not put pressure on it. Good luck & as you say either way you can be happy anyway xx

Out of interest- what was the age gap?

How are you getting on now ? Xx

@funkmonke we have been loosely trying for a year and no baby yet! We have decided to go full throttle for the rest of this year and if not pregnant by the end then that will be us done. I feel way more ready now than I did a year ago. Still got the same fears but just hoping it will work out whichever way it is meant to! 😊

Aww that’s lovely. At least you’ll know you have it your best shot and perhaps the universe is wanting to make sure you’re sure!

I agree that as they get older and you realize how fleeting the time is when they are hard work, the desire to have another makes sense

my daughter is 10 and I am currently 6 months pregnant with my second!!

xxx

I thought I didn't miss anything when I was small because I was an only child. With hindsight I was maybe a bit lonely to be honest but that's maybe because I was the only child in a small extended family so it was alternately too much focus and not enough from the adults around me. Being an only child only dawned on me when I lost my Mother to cancer. She was young (my age now) and I took care of her during her illness. When she died, I suddenly realised how alone I was in the world, people were kind but I was essentially alone. I have a large number of children, who despite being lots of work physically and emotionally are there for one another. I'm my experience, one is harder work that two, three is the tipping point of parental juggling and every one after is neither here nor there. I would never choose to have an only child.

@Bigwelshlamb I have siblings and feel like an only child. One of my sisters is a complete psycho and the other does her own thing. Parents weren't there for me. I had siblings but felt so alone. You being an only child maybe a blessing.

I have 3 of my own and even though so young always have each other backs. Something I never had.

It's nice to have more children but raise them right. That doesn't mean give them everything they want, clubs, money etc. raise them right in terms of emotions and being there for each other.

My parents could afford things but barely spent any money on me and I was quiet whereas my sister who was the master manipulator got everything she wanted by crying. Growing up she thought she was better than everyone including me. It was my parents fault how they raised her, they weren't fair out of choice. Would rather have been an only child.