Regret at having more than one child?

[Blueotterwhale]

Does anyone regret having more than 1 child?

We have one, love our life. I'm an only and never thought I would have an only but our life is so fulfilled with one. All I can think of is the negative side of 2, the fighting, not getting along less time, less money for fun things, no holiday every year, less free time for us etc.

We are at the point where we need to decide whether to add another (which of course might still not happen even if we want it to) but I'm feeling so conflicted. Can anyone provide experience of having 2 and the positives? Or just of having 1 and being glad you didn't have a second?

I love having one. Would never have any more.

Your negatives are all valid and it does impact us - mostly the arguing between them and having to play referee all of the time. It is exhausting.

however all of my children are different and I can’t imagine not having each one. They’re wonderful characters In their own right and when the fighting stops and they hang out together, it’s magic.

We have 3 because we wanted 3 but I remember only having one and thinking I could live a totally fulfilled and joyful life with only him ❤️ for every con there is a pro hey! More money more attention more time. My 3 love each other and the fighting is minimal but they’re all 7 and under at the moment. Will just get more expensive and hormonal. Love it though!

We decided to have two if we could before we started ttc the first so possibly an easier situation to be in. In my daughter’s class there are 16 only children by choice and the class parents are quite close knit so a lot of opportunities to observe.
Parents of onlies seem to have to organise a lot more weekend activities and have to play with their children. We can be a lot more unstructured and spontaneous.
My kids play together for hours and get on very well. There are some conflicts but the time saving of playing independently outweighs this by far. Of course, this can’t be guaranteed.
It’s helpful for parent and child not to have a single focus on how the child is doing at school etc. Some parents get into a level of detail that you just don’t when you have a dual focus.
I am not particularly close to my brothers and sisters but I still hugely appreciate having someone else alive who knew our upbringing from the inside.

We have an only child, who is 4. I never had a big biological drive to have children, and have no desire to have any more.

I love our life as a family of three. DD is happy and thriving at school, DP and I have just managed to claw back some time and a sense of personal identity after the all-consuming baby/toddler years, and all of our friends who have more than one seem constantly frazzled, exhausted and (especially in the current climate) very anxious about money and how they’re going to cope going forward. The stress and chaos seems to be unrelenting (I had three NCT friends ranting about it all on Friday night as we enjoyed a rare meal out), and I don’t envy them at all.

I love the freedom and flexibility that having one child brings, always having enough time, energy and focus to devote to DD, and being secure in the knowledge that we will have enough financial resources to support her and allow her follow her interests in the future.

If you feel happy and fulfilled with one then stop at one. Personally I felt an all consuming urge for a second and the years of trying were tough particularly when seeing so many around me having their second and thirds. It sounds like you don't have this feeling though. When you see a family with more than one (or another on the way) how do you feel? If it either doesn't affect you or you feel glad at having what you have then stay as you are. Siblings are no guarantee of not being lonely etc. My MIL fell out with her sister so badly that my husband didn't know he had an aunt until he was about 9, and even then his mum wouldn't even say her name! Also if you have more than one your time is split of course. I feel guilty sometimes that I can't spend as much time with my eldest because of the baby, but there's not much I can do about it!

Im an only child, my DH is one of 8

We have one son (5)

We intended to have 2-3 but have stopped at one. Parenting is hard and we arent afraid to admit it. Our lives are easy, we can jump in the car at the drop f the hat. our house is calm and hes the centre of our universe (like it of not lol)

We ummed and arghed for so long but I've always been ok. And we feel now, why rock the boat. Life is good for us. why take a risk? (lets face it they wouldnt play together with a big gap now anyway and wouldnt have the same interests!)

So im selling baby clothes and booking holidays and I couldn't be happier

If you love your life as it is, please dont feel pressure to have another.

But on the same foot, if you have a burning desire to do the baby stuff again, fab, go for it

I hated the baby stuff, glad its over with!

We're in the same dilemma, I'm an only child and had a fantastic child hood, never lonely, very happy in my own company. My daughter has a half brother who's 6 years older than her and that age gap which I worried about is actually a bit of a blessing. I think if we do have another I'll wait until she's in pre school/reception so that we could do the walk to school with baby in pram and then I get time just with the baby while she's at school, partner can then take over with baby after work and I get time just with my daughter too. I think I would also be worried about damaging the bond I have with my daughter and would make special time for both of them separately as well as time with them together.

But like you, money is an issue and right now we're tight but comfortable so it depends on our situation in a few years. I do think whichever you choose, it will be great and each option has its pros and cons

Also, THIS a million times, my friends are all one their 2nd and third, and i have my life back. I struggled massivly with self identity and loss of freedom and i finally feel alive again.

Its much easier to get a babysitter for one

Oh, and yes I do have to play lots with DD, but I genuinely enjoy it. Yes, it was dull at times, especially in the baby/toddler phases, but having studied child development and psychology and worked with children it’s fascinating to see it all play out at home, and witness how DD grasps new concepts and gradually grows more sophisticated. Now she’s 4 it’s more about crafting, reading, building Lego and so on, and therefore less tedious.

I think the only child vs multiples debate can also sometimes come down to your personal mindset - we’ve always included DD in almost everything we do, with the expectation that she’ll join in with it all, whereas I’ve noticed that with most of our friends with multiples there’s more of a child-adult divide, with the children becoming one ‘tribe’ and the adults another. I think some parents would find our situation, constantly incorporating and explaining stuff to DD, a bit too intense, but we love it.

Very happy with my only teen. We have a great relationship and I have loads of time for myself.
I was bullied by my sibling and we are NC as adults 🤷‍♀️.

I was an only and couldn't (and still can't) stand it. I longed for a sibling. I felt intense pressure growing up and even now.. as I'm all my parents have and everything I ever do is scrutinised because there is no-one else to take the slack.

I had a second child, and my girls squabble but they also play and chatter and it's so lovely. Two little people running to you for a cuddle is just fab.

But we do have less money as my youngest is still in nursery and we had a period of time where they were both in nursery which was financially crippling (so timing is important!) but next year my youngest starts school and then we'll be able to afford adventures! X

Another one whose second was twins.

I'm not sure I'd quite use the word regret but I don't enjoy the baby stage, the church hall playgroups, the medieval illnesses, the depressing soft play places and other people's brats, the winter evenings that start at 3pm when it's pissing with rain and you need to go to Tesco with the buggy, snot, nappies, weaning, potty training, etc etc etc. I want to wake up at a normal time and have a day which has some things in it for me. I'm gritting my teeth at the moment, and I'd say my firstborn is suffering a fair bit from the lessened attention.

I would make a decision that you're happy with now, knowing what you know about yourself and your circumstances.

I am an only with an only. No regrets whatsoever,

I debated having a second for a long time, had my second when my first was nearly 4 and the bond they have now makes it so so worth it. They love eachother so much and I luckily found parenting much easier the second time round. I grew up with siblings many years older then me and often felt strong pangs of loneliness and didn’t want that for my own. Me and my siblings are very close now however despite the huge age gap. I don’t regret it at all and my second child has given us as a family nothing but joy.

I am early days into having two - one baby and one preschooler. Sometimes I think my life would've been easier with just 1 and feel guilty that dd doesn't get all of my attention. I also miss sleep! However, ds has brought so much joy to us all and seeing him with dd melts my heart. I had a strong urge for another and that wouldn't have gone away easily, I don't think.

Yep. If it ain't broken, don't fix it.

The second baby could be twins. Or disabled. Lots of possible scenarios to contemplate.

My first two were lovely together and I never regretted having another, a dd and ds, no falling out and they played together lots when younger. Had a third and that threw a cat amongst the pigeon's, lead to lots of falling out between ds and third dc, plus sort of encroached on the relationship between dd and ds. So having two was great, 3 was more difficult.

I have one. Due to fertility issues it’s highly unlikely that I’ll have another. I have two siblings and am close to neither but I’m still torn about her being an only. Some siblings do get along and I worry about her having no support when her Dad and myself are old. Having said that, my two are no support at all so I might as well be an only but maybe she’d get along with hers if she had one.

This happened to a friend of mine. She had a 8 year old daughter, was really happy with that, then suddenly as she was approaching 40 decided to have another one. He was born with brain damage due to a complicated birth, and he now needs around the clock care by her and her husband. They occasionally have help but their lives now consist of alternating sleep and caring, and their older daughter who is now 11 is struggeling with anxiety and the lack of attention. This can happen to anyone of course, but like others have said, if you like your current life I wouldn't risk disturbing it by having another child.

How old is current child? If they're older than 3, I'd say stick with one. I have 2 years between my DC. I grew up with 3 years between my siblings and I.

A small age gap is hard when they are young. But by the time they are both school age, it becomes so much easier. Days out and activities are easier. Interests are similar or on a similar level. Their needs from you as a parent are similar. It also minimises the impact on your life, taking time out from work, being part time, paying for childcare, house filled with baby paraphernalia etc.

I honestly couldn't imaging having to juggle the needs of a 9YO (DS1 curremt age) and a newborn baby.

I’m only having 1.

My reasons are:

i was an only- and I definitely wasn’t lonely.

I’m SAHMing and doing early years provision at home with her (I’m a teacher) so I want to put all of my ‘effort’ into my only and what benefits her.

I don’t want to be a SAHM longer than 4-5 years. Giving my multiple DC equal childhoods would be putting my career on the back burner for longer.

I don’t want another child tbh- I have no urge to give her a playmate or a friend. She’ll find her own, then have her own family when older.

I love snuggly baby cuddles but don’t want the drudge and shit sleep to go on longer than needed.

more time and money for one

And therefore more time for each other: I want a romantic life with my husband with dates and flexibility. Finding childcare is easy at the moment and in the future, all play dates and sleepovers will be alone time.

It’s so tough. I never wanted any children and now we have one 9 month old with a definite intention of being one and done. He is the stereotypical ‘easy’ first baby (I still find it hard!) and I’ve found myself chewing over the sibling question in a way that has surprised me.

At 40+ I don’t have the luxury of waiting around to decide.

My partner and I are both very close to our siblings and I’ve been feeling sad that he won’t have the team for life that I have. My siblings give me a lot of my sense of security in the world, I know that whatever happens to me they will have my back and make sure I’m ok. I would love him to have that. And yet -

• I’ve barely come to terms with life with one, I’ve lost myself a bit on maternity leave and I’m desperately looking forward to getting a bit of myself back once it finishes. And it’s been tough on our relationship too. With one we can both feasibly have time for ourselves and as a couple (with some super planning and help from my siblings).
• The cost: we have a decent joint income but live in an expensive area as we need to be close to London for our jobs. With one we can afford nursery and still put a little aside for his and our futures. That would be wiped out with two, and our ability to support through uni etc would be significantly lessened. Two would have a dramatic impact on our finances in a way one does not.
• The risk: I’m not a young mum, we got lucky because as far as we’re aware so far he has no extra needs. It feels like a real gamble to try again and I know that I am not personally equipped to cope very well with that if we weren’t lucky second time round and this would have a big impact on my ability to be a good mum to my first child.
• My health: my body still feels a bit battered from pregnancy and it’s going to take me a while to get my fitness back up again, which is important if I’m going to be an active mum in my 40s and 50s. It would be hard for it to take another hit.

So while my heart Ieans towards another my head says no. I guess I might always feel a pang at the lack of a sibling, but it just feels too risky.

I wish I had cherished my time with just 2 more. I now have 3.
2 was just perfect but 3 tipped me over the edge. I’m really stretched and I worry how the dynamic will work as they get older.

I’m am only child (I have step siblings but didn’t live with me and a fair bit older) and I was so lonely, I’d have given anything for a sibling.