Regret at having more than one child?

[Blueotterwhale]

Does anyone regret having more than 1 child?

We have one, love our life. I'm an only and never thought I would have an only but our life is so fulfilled with one. All I can think of is the negative side of 2, the fighting, not getting along less time, less money for fun things, no holiday every year, less free time for us etc.

We are at the point where we need to decide whether to add another (which of course might still not happen even if we want it to) but I'm feeling so conflicted. Can anyone provide experience of having 2 and the positives? Or just of having 1 and being glad you didn't have a second?

Only have one child and so glad we didn't have another. We are able to give our DC the time, live, financial resources and life experiences that we wouldn't be able to do with two. We also still have time and emotions for each other and crucially for ourselves while many friends are still dealing with nappies, school runs etc.

Wow some of the last few replies are ridiculous.
A child should never be a 'gift' to another child. Christ if I was born to be a gift to my older brother I'd have been happier not existing.

Do never u sets tops all the misconceptions about single children, they don't live in a bubble they have the same issues and co flicks as other kids but they get a peaceful home to come back to.

If you are genuinely happy with one child and don't feel a desperate urge to have another child, then don't have another one. It's very easy to think 'what if' or 'should we' but if you are settled, happy and have no broodiness then why rock the boat? We have one, couldn't be happier. I was so desperate to have a child when we were trying for our first, but haven't felt that way about having a second, so we are staying as a family of three. Partly for my mental health and partly because we enjoy the lifestyle and ease of having one child. Don't do it because you feel you should or because you feel bad about not giving your child a sibling - only do it if the both of you truly want another baby. Our only child is a lovely boy - really confident, makes friends easily and loves time to himself too. Don't listen to people who say only children are brats or are strange - this is such an out of date stereotype!

Wouldn't change my second for anything obviously. But, only have a second if you want one, not because you feel you should. My two are chalk and cheese and honestly my eldest would have been very happy, dare I say happier, as an only.

have a read on the 'elderly parents' threads and see how the only's are feeling on there with no-one to share the practical or emotional burden.

Many siblings opt out of sharing the burden. It's usually the daughters who end up doing most.

So not a good reason

Love all of mine (often think of the one that's an angel and didn't make it to birth, would be 16 soon). Would do it all again in a heart beat. Having a brood: no regrets even though it's not easy, hands down best thing that ever happened to me.

The only thing I will say about older parents of only children is to really consider how you will feel in years to come. My aunt had an only child in her early 40s, and has caused a huge number of family arguments trying to ‘force’ a relationship between her child and my siblings and I (the only cousins). Lots of guilt tripping messages, ‘I moved back to the area so you could spend time with her and you don’t’ etc. I don’t think she thought she would feel that way when she had a baby, but the anxious mother feelings just spiralled I guess, and she always panics about my cousin being ‘alone in the world’ one day.

Of course siblings are no guarantee of anything but generally they tend to keep in touch, I don’t know many that hate each other or are totally NC.

When I say to really think I mean about whether you would feel that way, not that you should, if that makes sense.

I was driving yesterday and looked behind to back seat as the boys (9 & 3 yrs) were quiet. They were sitting holding hands. Hands met over the middle seat gap. So they stretched across to hold hands. My heart melted. I need to get a grip.

Awwww ❤️ hoping to have a few moments like
this when my second daughter is born to punctuate the carnage! Lol

I have one and life is easy, fun and enjoyable. Never had an issue with having to entertain dc- she's always been very independent. Now she's 11 she's my little buddy. She's very sociable and has always been invited to play dates /sleepovers (we've done our share too), but when dc does go dh and 1 get a night out. Mg dc has same age cousins she sees a lot so she's not lonely. My 2 friends have 2dc. Both younger dc have SEN. In one there's a bigger age gap and older child ignores younger (and is very jealous of younger sib) and in the other family there's a year between them and all they do is fight. Its always nice to come home to a clean and calm house. Im one of 5 btw.

I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I love having 2. We had a second because we really strongly didn't want an only child. The first few months were really rough (2 under 2!) but it's getting really nice now. Definitely no regrets!

@helpfulperson

My dm is one of 6 and none of her siblings helped in the care of my gran when she was dying. They all fell out after the funeral and haven't spoke in years. My mum may as well have been an only, actually an only would've been better as there wouldn't have been the conflict.

My DH has an elderly grandma and his grandad is in a care home with dementia. His mum passed away when younger.
GM has had so many accidents and falls because she thinks climbing up a ladder to fix her garage roof is an appropriate thing to do at 80.
DH has two siblings, both useless and never lifted a finger to help.
Because DH and I have a bit of money between us and a big house, we always have her over for Xmas and care for her when she's recovering from something.
DH's dad (other side of family) needs a heart operation so he's staying at ours to recover, because we've got a spare room.

DH might as well be an only. To be honest, it's almost less stressful taking control over it all.

My point is I guess is that you can have all the siblings in the world but in the real world, one person will always take up the biggest load with elderly parents. Usually the person in the best position to. And that leads to resentment.
It's not as black and white as 'lets have another baby so there's more help when they're old'. Life just doesn't go that way.

I have one, age 9. I've had two ectopic pregs since (first time we were trying, 2nd a total surprise). My son knows about my body is 'not so good' at having more babies and would like a sibling. I had strong, very strong urges for a 2nd but they would wax and wane and after the first ectopic I had a bit of an epiphany about my life as it was, my identity, what I'd be giving up and I felt like I'd dodged a bullet. I found the preschool years hard - the majority of his young life, frankly. He has autism, unpolitically correctly I'd call it high functioning - there have been social struggles and he's been homeschooled since the beginning of the pandemic. I don't work, I never went back, he found school very hard and we never reached a point where he settled enough to the point I felt I could focus on work. I have limited bandwidth, I genuinely struggle to see how people (women, mostly) work when they have children. No judgement, that's how it's played out here. We are thinking of more permanent ways to prevent pregnancy after the recent 2nd ectopic - I had left it to chance in case something happened and we decided to go with it, but it's increasingly unlikely. I'm 39 in a few months and I just feel like I've been through some physical changes that indicate I'm not in the ideal physical place any more, and I'm ok with it. I get pangs when I think of the names I've collected over the years that I'll never use, but I'm a writer by habit, so maybe they'll come to life that way. Who knows. My honest summary is I still don't know how I feel about it. I'm one of 4, by the way, blended family. I live away from my siblings (except one who followed me here eventually!) and parents. We have a blast when we get together, but the distance feels healthy. Interestingly we all have different memories of growing up in our house - it was small, money was a bit tight, parents were stressed, it was a bit of a stormy one. A lot of waiting for stuff to blow over. I am not the most patient person as an adult, I get touched out and overstimulated easily and my exec functioning is crappy. I feel I have a decent relationship with my child though, and time and resources for repair when things get to be too much. The age he's at now is lovely and I enjoy his chats and company. I like having time for him. We are where we are.

I dunno whether any of that is helpful but they're the thoughts I have when I track the journey I've had with it!

I laugh sometimes when I recall that I read Jo's Boys as a tween and declared I would have 13 boys and one girl.

I have one and no regrets at all. We are a very happy family of 3 and we all love it that way. I go out of my way to encourage friends to come round and pretty much operate an open house to ensure dd has plenty of company her own age but she’s equally happy in adult company and very adaptable. She’s astonishingly independent too which I definitely was not, I don’t know if that’s just who she is or to do with being an only.

Have a read of the AIBU boards at the number of people carrying the burden of care while their sibling doesn’t share that burden.

That’s an incredibly specific example- probably unique to your family!

I had DD at 41 and have no concerns and won’t be trying to force relationships with anyone nor moving house. What a weird thing to suggest and how is it related to age?? Crackers

It is quite unique, but I also think it’s a general ‘strategy’ for such parents to rely on cousins or other child relatives as sort of ‘replacement siblings’. I remember listening to the Woman’s Hour interview with Julia Peyton Jones (she was 64 when she had her only by surrogate so NOT a regular example) saying she’s surrounding her child with godparents and friends in the hope that they will step in should anything happen to her. I mean… it’s a huge ask, and I find it a bit grating that she’s essentially expecting them to be the insurance policy for her life choices.

But my aunt was also unusually obsessed with it, constantly reiterated that ‘we could be all she has one day’ ‘we’re the closest thing to siblings she has’ etc. And had other relatives pester us when she felt we weren’t keeping in touch enough.

My DD has no cousins at all, there’s a tribe of second cousins she sees once every couple of years. No godparents.
We will encourage a normal quota of hobbies and plan to host playdates with friends but 40% of children are only children now. It’s really common and the parents are not batshit like your relative! It’s rather insulting tbh!!

I think what matters is just whether you desire having another child or not. Because you ll never know how it will work out for them, but if you have another one Because you want to, you will never regret it

We would never ever have another child because we felt the one we have needs a sibling. It would be because we want another child to enrich our lifes and be parents to.

Our goal as parents in our eyes is to raise a respectful, functioning, able-bodied (chores wise and house hold wise) kind, caring, considerate son who's life is filled with love, affection, acitivies and adventures. We love being parents and can honestly say our life has been 100% times better since he came along. He is our pride and joy. I had a great pregnancy, great bf'ing experience, great maternity despite being lockdown and didn't suffer PND, PP so I think it makes me question why I don't have the desire to have another child when we really do love it. We have loved all the stages and spend most nights playing video and photo roulette where we pine over the baby baby days. If we could push reset and do it all again with our son we would in a heartbeat.

I am an only and don't feel burdened with my parents getting old. I actually think it's nice to make all the decisions for them, and not have to consultant with anyone, at least there is no fighting or someone to have disagreements with. I also don't think I am selfish, or weird, or lonely or annoying haha. But of course people will argue that of course I wouldn't. I have lots of close friends, an amazing relationship with my mum and give relationships with people my everything maybe because I don't have siblings so I don't take them for granted.

If we decide to stick with an only, we will invite his friends on holidays, always make them welcome in our house and allow our son to have as many people come and go as he likes.

Financially the world is getting more challenging, we don't own a house and live in London which we love. I know our lifestyle of going out for dinner with him and on bike rides and all the fun later night park dates and meeting daddy after work for dinner or to go to the shops for a wander just wouldn't be so easy. We would like to be able to save for his future currently saving £100 a month for him when he is older which we just couldnt do with 2. All practical things to think about too such as driving lessons, cars, house deposits, uni, weddings not just about materistic things or holidays.

Thanks again for all your input, it really is interesting to read and made me think about things from all different angles and given me lots of food for thought.