Regret at having more than one child?

[Blueotterwhale]

Does anyone regret having more than 1 child?

We have one, love our life. I'm an only and never thought I would have an only but our life is so fulfilled with one. All I can think of is the negative side of 2, the fighting, not getting along less time, less money for fun things, no holiday every year, less free time for us etc.

We are at the point where we need to decide whether to add another (which of course might still not happen even if we want it to) but I'm feeling so conflicted. Can anyone provide experience of having 2 and the positives? Or just of having 1 and being glad you didn't have a second?

I love the freedom of 1, the ability to pour all my time into him, play with him and give him my whole attention. I love being able to ask him what he wants to eat or do or play and we do it, involve him in decisions

These are all very, very good reasons not to have more than one child.

The only thing I will add (and this isn’t necessarily a good or bad thing, just an observation) is that the only children I know are very ‘grown up’ beyond their years. I suppose that’s a natural consequence of spending more time around adults or feeling more like ‘one of the adults’ than ‘one of the kids’. They’re definitely not unhappy they just sound/act a lot older than they actually are.

I don’t think that having a life outside being a mother is dependent on the number of children you have, though. It’s about having a second parent who does 50% of child and home related stuff competently. Two children and two competent parents is way easier than one child, a default parent and a strategic incompetent.

I think that some people have this idea before kids that they like to have 2 kids plus. Then they have a baby and realise that its harder than they thought. It hard going with the lack of sleep and the feeling of every day being the same until a baby gets a bit older. Then for some woman child birth and afterwards can be a very hard time especially if you have pnd.
So your child gets a bit older say 2/3 and your thinking do I want to be pregnant and going back to the sleepless nights ect or I am glad that stage is over.

I would not listen to some people who say it not fair to only have one child. You have to do what's best for you, the life you have, your current relationship and the child that is already here. I have one friend who stopped after one child. Her child is now in her early teens, is doing well in school and has plenty of friends. My friend now has a very good job and could retire early and her husband is also working. They are not worried about money and can afford to send their child to college when the time comes.

I also know couples with 2, 3 and 4 kids. As the kids have gotten older the expense has risen and in some cases they are going to have 2 or 3 kids in college at the same time. Even with good incomes it's a big drain for a number of years on income and savings.

You also have to consider what would happen if child number 2 had special needs? Some special needs are not apparent until a baby is older like autism.

If you have a child with special needs you could end up needing to give up work to care for them. Having a child with special needs can have a major impact on the parents, the child you already have and your long term plans. I know a few couples with kids who have special needs and it has been hard going at times dealing with this.

I would not just have another child because people are telling you or because you think it would be a good thing for your child to have a sibling. Their is no guarantee that your 1st child will get on with your 2nd. Also I would only have 2nd child if it's something that you really want to and consider long term the extra cost of bringing up this child.
At the moment with the cost of living its getting harder to pay the bills let alone adding the cost of another child.

I have an only and now he's a teen he tells me all the time that he's so glad that we didn't have anymore!

This is such an honest post, could have written it.

I chose to have an only child because I wanted to focus all my attention and resources on him. Also, I wanted to focus on my career as well and felt having that one child gave me the time needed for progressing in my career.

Following as we are trying to make the same decision - well in a year or two. I wasn't close to my sister growing up. We have a 5.5 year age gap which may have contributed. But we are close now and I'm glad I have her and hope she feels the same.

We originally said one for all the reasons you gave. But I would love another. Just one more, mind. Parents of 3 children plus I don't know how you do it! Hats off to you!

The only thing I will add (and this isn’t necessarily a good or bad thing, just an observation) is that the only children I know are very ‘grown up’ beyond their years. I suppose that’s a natural consequence of spending more time around adults or feeling more like ‘one of the adults’ than ‘one of the kids’. They’re definitely not unhappy they just sound/act a lot older than they actually are

There’s possibly an element of truth in this - I can certainly recognise what you say in DD. She’s just started Reception and the feedback we’ve had so far is that she’s ‘exceptional’ - not meaning to brag at all, as I have no idea at this early stage how she’ll turn out academically and socially, but teachers have mentioned her emotional maturity, how advanced her grasp of language is compared to her peers and her ‘sophistication’. I’m sure it’s not all down to being an only, but the sheer amount of time we’ve had to devote to her, and the fact that she has a lot of cultural capital for her age (because there’s just her to cater for we’ve been able to travel, go to the theatre and ballet fairly regularly, taken her swimming every week from age 2 and so on) must feed in somewhere.

Not suggesting at all that people with multiple DC can’t do all these things, but it’s certainly logistically easier, and in practice what I’m seeing with friends who have multiple DC is that their younger child has to reach a certain age before the older one can be taken to more places/start more activities etc - plus the expense of paying for two can make it prohibitive.

Yes @TempsPerdu people do seem to put more effort into their onlies (again, both good and bad). The ones I know have a packed schedule of clubs, tuition, music lessons etc.

To add to that, I’m on of 5, I didn’t really do any clubs etc growing up because to take me they would’ve had to put all the other kids in the car etc. And if we all did clubs we would spend every evening in the car (dad worked late a lot).

I don’t really have ‘interests’ now - I do the odd bit of yoga, meet with friends etc and work but nothing specific or that I’m invested in. Kids from bigger families seem to be like that as adults, used to just being around lots of family members and just doing ‘general family life’. Whereas the onlies seem to have slightly more solitary but organised/regimented adult lives with a variety of interests that they take seriously. Again, all has its merits and downsides.

I had two very close together. I am so glad that I did. They argue a lot but they adore each other. I'm now a lone parent and my house would not be filled with such laughter, giggles and plots if it was just me and DC1. DC2 has given us both so much that I now can't imagine being without. And the world is a better place for her existence. They are so close and fierce in their loyalty to each other that they will, I hope, also be a huge support to each other in adulthood.

But that's our situation, not yours. Ultimately nobody can answer the question of what's right for you, but you. Adding another child is a huge disruption for all of you and based on your posts OP, you sound happy as you are.

I am an only child and have 5 children aged 15 13 11 9 and 6 - 3 boys and 2 girls. Definitely no regrets - when the boys were small they saw themselves as one entity 'the brothers'. There is more fighting between all 5 as they get older but they all look out for each other and haven't needed close friends as they have each other.

My kids are all really great with small kids as they are used to having little people around.

I am glad they will have each other through their lives - I feel like I have the burden of ageing parents and grandparents being only one of me.

I however realise that family dynamics are different for everybody and that 2 can sometimes be harder than 1 if they have personalities that clash - 3 and more is different as there are others that can be buffers.

My son was a one and only until he was 12 and at 14 a big brother to 2 siblings. We don't regret having them but we do miss not being able to do anything during school hours. If I was tired I could nap, if a friend said want to come round I could. You forget how much little ones need and how hard going out and about is. Doing things as a family is difficult because things the 14yr old likes the 2yr old doesn't and vice versa. They are my cherished blessings each of them and wouldn't have them any other way. The 7mth old just slotted into things bless him. The hardest is going from a big age gap and relative freedom but they're worth it. Write all the pros and cons down and then you will see where you're at. My son was happy as a one and only and happy with his sister and brother. Whichever way you decide don't be swayed by other people's opinions. Your family unit can be happy as a 3 or a 4 xx

My husband and I always knew we wanted two kids. After having DS1 and experiencing the reality of no sleep (colic and silent reflux) we did reconsider briefly however we decided to try for DS2 when DS1 was 15 months. Our reason for trying was because we knew we wanted two and we “wanted to get it out the way sooner than later” because we knew it was going to be tough and we knew (for us) it would be worth it in the long run.

Life was TOUGH with DS2 for months due to yet more colic and silent reflux and PND thrown in to the mix but oh my god do I LOVE having my two boys. There is 2 years between them and they are now 5 and 7. Big pals most of the time. Yes they do fight and argue but they are generally good boys and great friends. They are good company for each other. I knew I wanted two and have zero regrets.

My husband had the snip after DS2 as we just both knew we were done.

You and your husband both seem set on having one child though so, if two isn’t for you, then maybe one child is enough for you guys. Don’t feel any pressure to try for another based on what other people are doing. One is more than enough and they will be so loved. Do what’s best for you. I don’t think you would ever love another child any less and you would make it work financially etc. Good luck. Hope you decide what’s best for you :)

For someone with two children to having friends with just one, we find those friends are constantly having to ‘entertain’ their bored child, of course that happens regardless but they find it strange we can have weekends just chilling at home and the kids playing because they have each other to play with whereas they have to be out doing something. Of course that’s my only example and won’t work the same for everyone.

Go with your feelings, if you feel complete then stay as you are but if you’re having a niggle give it more time.

My 2 (7 & 4) bicker like mad sometimes, however for me I feel like they always have someone in the house that’s ‘on their level’ and special, exciting moments eg going on holiday, Christmas is lovely to watch.
for me my 2nd child made me feel complete, even though I felt complete with just 1 if you know what I mean.

I’m an only child. Looking back, I think I felt lonely very occasionally but never really felt like I was missing out on anything.
I have one child and made sure I don’t have any more. The thought of sleepless nights, crying babies, nappies and all that jazz gives me shivers. No thank you!
A few of my friends had second children and for some reason all of those second babies came out neuro divergent. My friends’ lives are not the same and not in the good way. My point being you don’t know what you’re going to cook up, is it worth taking that risk if everything is good as it is?

No regrets here. I was one of five so wouldn't have wanted a big family but two was perfect for us. They are two school years apart and got on so well together as youngsters (less so now as teens!). Now they have different interests that match mine or DHs so its nice for each parent to have one to one time with each of them too.

I am oldest of 3, there is 4 years between me and my brother then a year between my brother and sister. We don't speak to my sister now after a big fall out and I wouldn't say I was particularly close with my brother...prob see on average once a month to get kids together. I know my mum wished she had stopped at 2.

Now my daughter is 11 and my 2nd daughter is 3 I feel the gap is just too big. They rarely play together and don't have anything in common. We nearly didn't have 2nd daughter but so glad we persevered but I do wish the age gap was closer but don't regret having her.

I had 3 in 3 1/2 years! It has been challenging at times and wonder why I didn't stay childless. However after I had my first I knew I needed 3. Part of my thought process was that when me and the husband die they'll still have family. Also wanted 3 so that if one died there would still be 2 of them to look after each other. I'm one of 3 so have not known any different. I have a good relationship with both of my siblings. My husband is one of 2 boys. They barely talk. There is no right or wrong, it's whatever works for you. If you don't have another child please don't think you are doing your child a disservice.

I have 2 children and I'm delighted we had our second child. They are now 6 and 1. I'm commenting because before I had my second child I didn't see many families like ours. All of my friends with two children had their second child when the first was 2 or 3. This wasn't the right time for us. My daughter was born when my son was 4.5 and having a bit of breathing space between babies worked really well for us. I'll be honest and say they are not play mates but they are close. He makes her laugh like no one else can and they're very caring towards one another. They don't fight over toys as they don't want the same toys. It is tricky at times as now their needs are quite different and she does have to tag along to a lot of things he wants to do but the positives of our age gap by far outweigh the negatives. My nephew is the same age as my eldest and he is an only child. He's very content and my sister and partner love being a little unit of 3. I think you will probably be content whatever you choose. But I just wanted to advocate for bigger age gaps because I definitely felt pressure to have "2 under 2" or "2 under 3".

Very happy with one here.
My mother regrets a second, she wanted to stick at one but was persuaded to have my brother. She loves him dearly (as do I) but he was a challenging child (undiagnosed learning differences) and is a challenging adult. She is very supportive of me sticking at one!
DH is one of 3, his mother took his younger siblings abroad when he was a teen and he has no contact at all with them. Having siblings doesn’t always end well.

It's so personal, isn't it? I don't think there's a right or wrong answer; it's whatever works for you and your family. OP, it sounds as if you're very happy with one.

I always wanted 2 and I have 2. Life, is very hard indeed and I've had some regretful moments over the last 2 years (DC2 recently turned 2). However, I don't regret it - as people say, your heart just expands, I love both my children immeasurably, have been a more relaxed parent with DC2 and have been able to enjoy it a bit more, and I think it's worth all the hard work. I'm hoping it will get easier too - it already is a bit.

However, I am absolutely sure I don't want a third, it would break me/us. I have a coil and if it failed I would terminate the pregnancy. For the sake of my family as it is now.

I have two teen girls, wanted two, three would have been too many. I think their relationship has enormous benefits (even the negatives) and makes me think I would have loved a sister. I don't think there's a right number, just what suits you and what you can cope with!