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Original poster

Parents taking over parenting

199 replies

TalkToTheHand123 · 23/10/2022 09:35

I'm starting to lose my rag.

I split up with my ex about a year ago now and with the ex being very unreliable, I've had to rely on my parents for help as I work full time.

I used to just stay over when dd6 was with them sometimes instead of travelling backwards and forwards, but started to get annoyed with their soft approach to parenting and their interference when I was being firm with dd6, so I stopped staying over. (My dad would let her read at half eleven at night).

I was over there yesterday and was being firm with dd6 as she'd been to gymnastics (arranged by my parents, but which I had agreed to) and I wanted her to get changed straight away and wouldn't let her out of her room until she changed clothes. She did her typical stomping and screaming to get my parent's attention. My dad started shouting up the stairs to tell me I was doing it wrong and causing her to scream (they've been in a 1,2,3 magic course and think they know it all now). I just walked out.

Now I've just received a message to say they've taken her out for the day so won't be in.

Is it me or what? Should I not be able to have a say where dd6 stays or goes? This is my second day off out of three and had plans with her and they've just totally screwed it up. They spent most of my life trying to control me and now they are doing it with my daughter. I'm so annoyed.

OP posts:
40andfit · 23/10/2022 10:17

I think you need to sit and talk to them and explain they are not helping DD but ultimately if they don’t improve you will need to find alternative childcare.

Sirzy · 23/10/2022 10:20

If your off work why is she with them not you?

sounds like the arrangement has led to some very blurred lines.

Ekátn · 23/10/2022 10:24

Does she live with them?

If so then they are the ones doing the parenting. It’s very difficult for you to let ask them to have her most of the time, then go in and start parenting in her in a completely different way.

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6 year olds Families General parenting
Seeline · 23/10/2022 10:25

Is she living with your parents?
Do you live with them? If not, how much time does she spend at your house?

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 23/10/2022 10:25

Mmm op without sounding harsh here I think you e let your parents take over for an easier life as juggling full time work kids school stuff and life admins bloody hard on your own but your going to have to step right back in and take control back of your child.

It's kind of gone past the point of them doing it to help you and it's causing friction and your being undermined by them in front of your daughter

You need to change this situation

A little experience of it from my dh side of the family in regards to a sibling and child and trust me it will just get harder as she gets older if you don't parent now

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 23/10/2022 10:25

Have you done the 123Magic course too or was it just them? Maybe they have found something that works, but if so then a consistent approach is best and it would have been better for them to let you take the lead rather than going for it unilaterally. But if it works, go with it.

Beees · 23/10/2022 10:29

Does she live with them full time?

It certainly seems like they are more akin to additional parents rather than her grandparents from what you've written. I don't think it's fair to be so cross at them for taking her out for the day when it sounds like you left her there and stormed off home in a huff?

GiltEdges · 23/10/2022 10:29

My dad started shouting up the stairs to tell me I was doing it wrong and causing her to scream (they've been in a 1,2,3 magic course and think they know it all now). I just walked out.
**
Now I've just received a message to say they've taken her out for the day so won't be in.

So you walked out of your parents house last night and left her with them… and now you’re annoyed because they’ve decided to make something of the day with her today, because you already had plans 🙄

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 23/10/2022 10:39

It sounds like you want them to take over when it suits you but then complain that they do. Did your parents know you’d planned things? If they didn’t then they have done nothing wrong with regards to taking her out for the day.

Whinge · 23/10/2022 11:35

I wanted her to get changed straight away and wouldn't let her out of her room until she changed clothes.

So you trapped her in a room because she wouldn't get changed. Hmm

It sounds like she spends a lot of time there, and they have a significant role in her every day life.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 23/10/2022 11:39

Find alternative child care and reclaim your bloody dd!

Original poster
TalkToTheHand123 · 23/10/2022 11:40

I work 8-8 shifts so it's difficult for me to do the school run or pick her up from school and my ex is very unreliable.

My mam enrolled her to gymnastics on a Saturday afternoon and let them as it gives my mam a bit of a girl's day out with her and a break from my dad.

My dad is a narcissist and doesn't listen to reason. I didn't want to lose my temper and argue with him in front of my daughter when he was shouting at me in front of her and undermining me.

They try to arrange COVID jobs and dentist appointments with my daughter without my knowledge.

It was just them who did the 123 magic course and couldn't get her to do anything since in my presence. I have no issues with her when it's just me and her at home.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 23/10/2022 11:41

So basically,your parents have majority custody of your daughter, and you don't even have her fulltime on your days off? But you dislike the way they are choosing to raise her?

Original poster
TalkToTheHand123 · 23/10/2022 11:42

*COVID jabs.
She would be living with me full time if I didn't work.

OP posts:
BattenburgDonkey · 23/10/2022 11:44

So you walked out of their house and didn’t take your daughter with you? And now you are annoyed they’ve taken her out for the day?

BattenburgDonkey · 23/10/2022 11:45

So who has her the majority of the time?

Ekátn · 23/10/2022 11:47

Your dad is a narcissist and yet you let your dd live there?

Op, when I became a single parent I had to change jobs because the shifts wouldn’t work.

You don’t work 8-8, 5 days a week do you? And in a year been unable to find anything that would suit.

They are parenting your child because you can not. You can’t pass your child over to your parents to raise then insist they do it how you want it. And trapping a child in their room until they comply is not ok.

This is a really bad set up for your child. Having you come in and parent her fat more strictly. Then stomping out and leaving her with them when you get annoyed.

At the moment they are the parents, in reality. Of course they will set up appointments for her.

Sirzy · 23/10/2022 11:47

You either need to sort alternative childcare or accept they are the main caregivers then. You can’t have it both ways.

Reservoirbogs · 23/10/2022 11:48

I think you need to think about changing your job to accommodate for the fact you're a single parent. I'm one too and have some experience of overly interfering parents, the only thing that works in this scenario is to stop relying on them for childcare.

Beees · 23/10/2022 11:50

Sirzy · 23/10/2022 11:47

You either need to sort alternative childcare or accept they are the main caregivers then. You can’t have it both ways.

Agreed.

You can't be cross they are parenting her because what else did you expect to happen when she spends most of her time in their care. Naturally they will have to sort out things like dentist visits and clubs for her when you're working such long shifts and not spending the days you have off with her.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/10/2022 15:10

TalkToTheHand123 · 23/10/2022 11:42

*COVID jabs.
She would be living with me full time if I didn't work.

So what days do you work and when is she at your parents?

Theskyisfallingdown · 23/10/2022 15:25

How do her appointments get made if you’re unavailable 12 hours a day?

Unfortunately I was raised by a narcissist, how come you chose this for your daughter? Not allowing her out of her room, shouting, walking out on her will all be hugely damaging too, but presumably you know that.

What steps are you planning to take to help her heal from this damage and upheaval?

Cyshion · 23/10/2022 15:41

Why did you walk out? I'm really surprised you did that. What was she supposed to think?

NerrSnerr · 23/10/2022 15:46

You need to adapt your life to accommodate your child. I used to work shifts, it didn't work with childcare provision so I got a job that didn't involve shift work. It's that simple.

She's your child. She has an unreliable dad. It's time for you to step up and sort your life so you can parent her and give her the stability she needs.

NerrSnerr · 23/10/2022 15:48

I work 8-8 shifts so it's difficult for me to do the school run or pick her up from school and my ex is very unreliable

You also say she does gymnastics with your mum on a Saturday. If that's the case you probably only work 2 days in the week so can do the school run 3 days a week.