Parents taking over parenting

[TalkToTheHand123]

I'm starting to lose my rag.

I split up with my ex about a year ago now and with the ex being very unreliable, I've had to rely on my parents for help as I work full time.

I used to just stay over when dd6 was with them sometimes instead of travelling backwards and forwards, but started to get annoyed with their soft approach to parenting and their interference when I was being firm with dd6, so I stopped staying over. (My dad would let her read at half eleven at night).

I was over there yesterday and was being firm with dd6 as she'd been to gymnastics (arranged by my parents, but which I had agreed to) and I wanted her to get changed straight away and wouldn't let her out of her room until she changed clothes. She did her typical stomping and screaming to get my parent's attention. My dad started shouting up the stairs to tell me I was doing it wrong and causing her to scream (they've been in a 1,2,3 magic course and think they know it all now). I just walked out.

Now I've just received a message to say they've taken her out for the day so won't be in.

Is it me or what? Should I not be able to have a say where dd6 stays or goes? This is my second day off out of three and had plans with her and they've just totally screwed it up. They spent most of my life trying to control me and now they are doing it with my daughter. I'm so annoyed.

You say your father is the narcissist, but you are the one who wants everything done your way and has a tantrum when it isn't. If you want to parent then you have to begin by actually doing it, and that means that your job is not suited to being a single parent. Your child spends more time with her grandparents than she does with you, and she needs consistency of parenting. So you give up work / get another job that allows you to parent, you pay for childcare, or you accept that your parents are the constant in her life and you need to work within that context.

But you’ve basically passed the baton onto them in regards to parenting. You need to either find alternative childcare or a new line of work.
What job are you doing that requires you to work 8-8 everyday? Most people on 12 hour shifts would work three days a week, possibly four. That should leave days off in the week for you to be doing some substantial parenting.
It does sound like you’ve just happily let this happen as it suited you and now suddenly you don’t like it anymore. How confusing for your children.

If your parents are expected to act as your DD's day-to-day carers, then I think you do need to respect how they do things with her, sorry. I'm not saying that you should have no say, but it's disruptive if you waltz in and start laying down the law.

To draw a parallel, my DH works very long hours during the week which means he hardly sees our DC and I do most of the day-to-day parenting then. As a result, I expect him to follow my lead in how we parent DC at the weekends when he is much more involved. That doesn't mean he gets no say or that I wouldn't listen to any concerns he had, but I would expect him to have a conversation with me first rather than unilaterally changing the rules with DC.

I don't understand what is wrong with me wanting to make parental decisions rather than someone else who isn't the parent.

I didn't say I worked everyday and don't understand why anyone would think I couldn't organise a dentist appointment. There are these things called holidays anyways. 😂

Maybe I shouldn't have walked out, but it was better than having a full blown arguement. I was just taken aback at how ignorant my parents were being, although I don't know why as they have been like this all my life.

I'm just going to keep away as much as possible from them and only contact them when I need to until they accept that I decide where my daughter stays or does.

I chose this job as I love the job and get more days off through the week for the school run and I like days off through the week to go places as it's usually less busy.

@TalkToTheHand123 - assuming you're working 3-4 days a week? Is your daughter living there for those days? Does she 'come home' on the days you are off? When you say you're going to keep away- is that with your daughter, or you'll continue to leave her there 3-4 nights a week so you can work?

Do you mean that you're not going to see your DD at their house or are you planning to have your DD at yours? If the first, why would you not want to see your DD as much as possible? Leaving her there and not visiting is just going to reinforce in her mind that you are someone who drifts in and out of her life rather than a parent and authority figure.

But you aren’t acting like a parent. Why did you not take your daughter home with you?

Days off during the week are good. I loved them. But not if it means your hours are so long you child doesn’t live with you. That’s exactly why I changed jobs.

You have chosen to remain in a job that means your daughter doesn’t live with you or only stays over a couple of nights at maximum. So you can have time off while she is school. You were obviously off Saturday and sunday and yet your parents were still having her overnight. Or were you meant to be having her and left her there anyway? You chose your job, even though it meant your dd was going to be raised by a narcissist, according to you.

Your child lives with them. When it got too much you walked and left your child with them. That shows they are the default carers You didn’t remove your dd from the situation just yourself. Then expect them to sit waiting for what you want to do and see if you were going to keep to your plans before they could do anything.

Its like a father that sees his child for a few hours in his days off and occasional overnight, walking into the mothers house and dictating how things will be, how the child should be parented, when dentist appointments will be. If the father of a child argued with the mother of a child and walked out, would you expect the mother to just sit around hoping he keeps to some plans he made?

They won’t ever parent in a more strict way like you want them to. And it’s not good for the child to live one way, then have their mother turning up, being really strict and trapping them in their room and then walking out, leaving them there not knowing what’s happening. Then Turning up the next day like nothing has happened.

If your dad is a narcissist and it messes your daughter up, how are you going to justify your choices to her? If you coming in and acting like you do, causes her problems in the future, how are you going to justify it? Because ‘I loved my job and liked days off during the week’ just won’t cut it.

Does she live with them full time or is she is at your house on your days off? Do you take her to school and gymnastics classes every single day off because your posts read like they're doing it?

Ultimately you need to make a choice. What's more important, doing the job you want right now or giving your daughter a stable home where you can give her the upbringing you want?

In a couple of years you can go back to the 12 hour shift but it is very selfish to say 'I don't want to parent my child properly as I like my shift pattern'

Yeah, Ive just read your posting history about your dd. You need to back off and let your parents parent or sort yourself out and be a parent. Personally I think the former as your dd is much more settled with your parents and you keep barging in like a bull and trying to take over.

Your parents must be saints.

I was made redundant about a year ago just before I split with the ex. I chose relief work so I could spend more time with DD. The company did a big recruitment drive so there became fewer shifts so I applied for a permanent position and was successful.

I do love the job but aim is to get another work from home job which is a bit more flexible so I can have my daughter more. People seem to suggest it's an easy process to change jobs. Is this the case?

There were a few weeks when the ex was having her a lot more so I didn't need my parents involvement, but the last couple of weeks I have needed.

When she is at my parent's house she doesn't want to leave as they let her do anything she wants there including hours of screen time and staying up very late. They shout back at her when she's shouting which I find quite hypocritical.

My mam pays block bookings for my daughter to go to gymnastics on a Saturday afternoon. This is a major inconvenience for me and childcare wouldn't be half the issue, but I agreed to it for my daughter. I'd take her myself, but my mam gets a bit upset as it's the only 1-2-1 time she gets with her.

I possibly could put a half to gymnastics, but the guilt would probably get the better of me. Although everyone has their limits.

Saturday was the first time I've ever just walked out, so it's not as if I do it all the time. I've spent the most amount of time with her since she was born so she's not craving my attention too much at the moment.

It should be a bit easier next week as I can just pick her up from school without having to deal with my parents. Hopefully also the ex will have her for a couple of days this week and I can pick her up from there without fuss.

Do you pay your parents for having your DD? Or do they provide all these hours of childcare for free?

Have you considered that maybe your parents don't have the energy to cut down on screen time and make a stand on discipline and that running around after your child is probably quite tiring for them? If they've been on a parenting course and organised weekend gymnastics for your child, it sounds like they're really trying their best to care for your child as well as they can.

Don’t think anyone can really help. I think you just want people to agree your parents should be happy bringing up your child and you breezing in and out as you please and telling them how it is.

You clearly said you chose this job because you love it and the hours suit you. You, not you and your dd. You want long shifts with time off during the week. You justified why you are staying in the job, which was all about you. Not your dd.
Now, all of a sudden you are desperate to change jobs but simply can’t.

Changing jobs isn’t easy. But it’s been a year. Surely something has come up if you are applying for a lot of jobs, which someone who was desperate to have their child home would be doing.

It doesn’t matter that it’s the first time you walked out. Since you weren’t working your dd should have been in your care. But you were at your parents with her, rather than straight home after gymnastics. And walked out on her when you weren’t happy she wouldn’t do what you wanted. That means that you do see them as the default carers for her. You believed you could just leave her there and they would take care of her.

I think both you and your ex have been happy to pass parenting off and it’s only just hitting you now, what that actually means. You obviously struggle with being in a parenting role. Maybe seek some professional support to figure out what the best next move for your dd is.

Leaving your child with someone you know is a narcissist is abusive

OP has been posting similar threads for a year. She doesn't seem to get anything from them. She said she bribes and threatens her child, it's a volatile, stressful environment when she has her child, her relatives, ex and the child's teacher have told her she is too harsh, she doesn't see why she needs parenting classes and is fine with leaving the child with an abuser who physically assaulted her when she was a child. 🤷

No sorry I don't believe you should be making parental decisions when you pick and choose when you want to be a parent. Sorry OP it seems like grandma and grandad have the most responsibility and act more like parents and you breeze in and out when it suits you.

If your father is so bad why the hell do you leave your child in his care??? Red flag on your part. Grandma wants 1-1 time with your daughter... why aren't you saying NO I want to spend 1-1 with my daughter as I don't see her enough.

It's all very odd I've got to say. Why have grandma and grandad gone on a parenting course? It seems to me your daughter is an unhappy little girl by the sounds of her behaviour probably because she is in between 3 homes.

I don't pay them. They are quite wealthy.
She gets a lot of screen time because they are soft with her / don't want her kicking off.
I agree they are trying to look after her as best they can. They went on the course as they are struggling with her bad behaviour. She's a happy child usually, just has a temper when told to come off screen time or ignores and doesn't like doing basic tasks (getting washed, brushing teeth).

My parent's had taken her to gymnastics and I was waiting for her to return at their house.

I let my mam go because I usually have been having time with her as I've often picked her up direct from school.

I took the job originally as I was with my ex and worked well as I could pick her up and drop her off and spend a lot of time with her. It's just recently been a bit tricky plus my hours have been changing a bit due to moving to a different building. It's settling down a bit now.

I don't struggle when it's just me and her. I only struggle when at my parents or they get involved when not needed.

I don't know where the comments about physical abuse has came from. There's been none at any point.

Narcissism comment may be a bit extreme, possibly. It stems from him telling me what I should study and what career I should have years ago and telling me my daughter should stay with them when they aren't going out anywhere.

She's in between 3 homes which isn't much I can do about that. She's coping quite well on that score considering.

I didn't really need advice, just venting really as I thought it was very hypocritical to be shouted at when they are saying they are trying to stop my daughter shouting when having a tantrum and felt undermined.

I do appreciate all the comments though, even if I don't agree 😊.

The poor child needs stability. She is being passed from pillar to post at the moment, surely you can see how that is going to negatively impact her and show through behaviour?

you locking her in a room when she doesn’t do what you ask her won’t help!

You previous posts say that you absolutely do struggle with her. You posted that at home she bites and kicks.

or did you mean at their home and just forget to mention, on that thread, that she doesn’t live with you?

So your dad isn’t a narcissist now it’s being pointed out that it’s awful for you to leave your child with him to raise? What did it achieve to misrepresent him?

It’s not hypocritical to shout at an adult who is shouting at a trapping a child in a bedroom. The fact that you think it is, shows quite a bit about your thinking. You seem to think you are still a child and your parents job is to parent you, pick up the bits of life you don’t want and let you have your way over everything else.

Your child doesn’t need to be between 3 houses. There is something you could do. In a year you could have changed your job. Both you and your ex could prioritise your child and have her between 2. You can’t control your ex but you do control you. The fact that your first objection to changing job was that you love it and like the shifts, shows you are your priority. Not your child.

The fact that your parents made an effort and went on a course to try and help her and you don’t want to do anything except come and go as you please, suggests they are better placed to bring her up. Again you have avoided saying how often she actually stays with you. So it appears that she even sleeps there on yours days off and you may do a few school runs, but she lives with them.

and the fact that you don’t pay towards her upkeep is just shocking.

It’s hypocritical to hand your child off for someone else to parent, then demand they do it your way and come in and try and impose your own rules on them all and it’s really unfair on the child.

I work a job with 8-8 shifts 3-4 days a week and I am a lone parent. My Mum has my children on my work days but it is nothing like you are describing. My mum is essentially my 2nd parent however I am completely in control of all decisions and she listens to my choices. If she disagrees with something, we discuss it and come to an agreement. She has the children at mine mostly, will take them back to hers during school holidays though to keep things stable for them. It needs to be about stability for the children and if they are not willing to do that (not many people would, I know I am lucky) then it won't work and you will need to change jobs.

OP I have read through all your posts. Your parents are taking over because you are letting them. Your daughter is only 6 and needs stability, routine and boundaries. She doesn’t seem to have any of that. A child who lacks those things is a child who doesn’t feel safe which creates a whole host of others difficulties.

You sound hard working but you have prioritised a job with hours that suit you as you like time of in the week but your daughters stability and settled home life has come at the expense of you prioritising your job. Add to that you and her dad have split up which is a very big thing for her and she will be confused by her grandparents role in her life as they are now more like parents. She will behave poorly at times. Children don’t say I am struggling they don’t have the words. They communicate via behaviour. She is doing that based on what you have written.

Please don’t ever walk out and leave your daughter like that. Had I done that my mother who is nowhere near as involved in my children day to day care would have most likely taken them out the next day for a fun time. Not to be controlling or mean but because the child’s parent has just walked out on them. You didn’t walk our on only your parents you walked out on your daughter. Your DD is most likely quite upset today.

There are lots of jobs available at the moment so finding something that is more suitable hour wise shouldn’t be an issue. As for gymnastics it’s great if your DD enjoys it but stop feeling guilty because your mum wants 1 to1 time with her. It sounds like she gets plenty of time with her. Your DD needs your time not her granny’s now. Your her mum one of the most important relationships she will ever have and the building blocks of a lot of her life choices are based around your role in here life.

I noticed you mentioned your ex. Is it an option to set some custody arrangements between you? Are you on good enough terms to be honest that you feel your parents are taking over and you are realising it’s not healthy for DD? Can you arrange for DD to stay with here dad on certain days? He collects he from school? No constant changing of days but a set pattern that works for you all? Can you go back to a weekly routine of work? Change your shifts so you work more when she is in school? Again going back to an workforce shortage employers are more willing to be flexible to keep good staff now than they were a while back as they can’t get staff.

I am not trying to be mean but your DD needs you.

Was it me you’re implying is a liar? Your own words on another thread you made about this same thing said your father hit you when you were a kid.

The pitfalls of using family as free childcare and blurred boundaries. Essentially, your parents would probably prefer a grandparent relationship with your DD where they could spoil her and they didn't have to discipline her. What they have instead is effectively a parenting relationship, which they find difficult enough. And you'd like to relegate them to a 24/7 nanny position, where you as parent give the instructions and they follow them without question. But you don't want to pay them for their time spent (or even their expenses incurred) looking after your child.

Nope, she said it, along with a lot of other stuff.

Must admit my parents are a noticably big hindrance lately. Mainly my dad. (Ie the one who would smack my behind for being cheeky) telling me not to use the naughty step with her when I stay over and she's being very naughty. I'm having to cut down the time we all spend together due to this which is a shame

Thanks, Zero, that’s the one. I don’t accept OP making out we’re lying, when she herself typed there’s been physical abuse of a child.

Anyway, OP said she doesn’t want advice, just venting, so no point anyone typing anything else, really.🤦‍♀️