Parents taking over parenting

[TalkToTheHand123]

I'm starting to lose my rag.

I split up with my ex about a year ago now and with the ex being very unreliable, I've had to rely on my parents for help as I work full time.

I used to just stay over when dd6 was with them sometimes instead of travelling backwards and forwards, but started to get annoyed with their soft approach to parenting and their interference when I was being firm with dd6, so I stopped staying over. (My dad would let her read at half eleven at night).

I was over there yesterday and was being firm with dd6 as she'd been to gymnastics (arranged by my parents, but which I had agreed to) and I wanted her to get changed straight away and wouldn't let her out of her room until she changed clothes. She did her typical stomping and screaming to get my parent's attention. My dad started shouting up the stairs to tell me I was doing it wrong and causing her to scream (they've been in a 1,2,3 magic course and think they know it all now). I just walked out.

Now I've just received a message to say they've taken her out for the day so won't be in.

Is it me or what? Should I not be able to have a say where dd6 stays or goes? This is my second day off out of three and had plans with her and they've just totally screwed it up. They spent most of my life trying to control me and now they are doing it with my daughter. I'm so annoyed.

Lol. I couldn't remember saying that, but don't think I was calling anyone a liar, just thought someone mixed me up with someone else.

Yeah I admit I got smacked as a child and I've smacked my daughter in the past, but when people mention physical abuse, I think of the more serious type.

It's been a long time since I've smacked her and doubt I'll ever do it again as it didn't work and there are much better ways. I've learned a lot how to deal with her these last couple of years.

I don't see how I can avoid the three way living situation. My ex has depression and ashma and this can land me in it a lot and where I need my parent's help. He struggles with her behaviour so I have to call my parents to go pick her up if I'm at work. There's been a bit of bad timing as well, he gets unwell when it's his turn to have her and I'm at work. He then asks for her when it's my day off.

I don't have the energy to argue with my parents. They don't care I want to have my child with me at my house. They just want her there with them. They think they are teachers. They like to get her to do extra homework, which I'm in two minds about. It's good she's learning, but think sometimes it's a bit much.

I'm off today and tomorrow and will pop in to my ex's to drop some stuff off so can see her and will be able to have her tomorrow for the night as she has gymnastics as he doesn't like taking her.

I'm working anyways this weekend so will just drop her off at my mams before work on Saturday morning.

I think I'll just try work it better with her dad for me to spend more time with her. It'll mean I don't have to deal with my parents as much. Hopefully my parents will feel guilty and let me see her more and let me take her from their house, if not, no great loss, I'll just pick her up more from the ex.

I still don't know why I should pay my parents for childcare though 🤔

OP I am quite badly asthmatic and care for my 3 children constantly. We get no family support at all. If your ex's asthma is that bad he may need to get back to the doctor and get his medication revised and possibly changed. It may well be the case his asthma isn't being managed well enough just now.

Why do you call your parents to pick her up because he struggles with her behaviour? My eldest has autism and ADHD and his behaviour can be incredibly challenging but parents don't get an opt out clause when there kids misbehave. Grandparents should have an opt out clause not mum's and dads. He needs to learn to deal with her behaviour. You may well find her behaviour significantly improves if she has a far more stable and set routine between you and her dad's house with the same consistent and set boundaries and rules at both houses. It's very confusing for a child to have 3 sets of adults in 3 different houses with 3 sets of rules caring for them and they will act out.

As for your ex not liking taking her to gymnastics tough. He is her dad get on with it. Neither me and dh can be bothered taking my kids to the multiple activities they do a week but we do it because it's for there benefit. Children want mum or dad to see them do well at things.

I agree with you to an extent about homework to much can be a bad thing as kids need downtime to play, relax and do fun activities. Although my kids do homework as it helps them educationally.

If she is living with her grandparents (not sure if she is or not) it may not be a case that they feel guilty. It maybe that it is better for your DD to minimise the time she has with you as it's having a detrimental impact on her life. Contact with parents is very important but only if it's safe, healthy and positive. It it's not your doing more harm than good and need to step back and either take her back to live with you and fully committ to her or let your parents take over and fully and raise her. The in between and constant messing DD around is incredibly damaging to her well being.

If it's any consolation my parents were like this as we lived with them for two years.

It caused many arguments. Years on though my dd is a teen has a lovely relationship with my parents. It does get better but don't let them take over when you are there. Arguments or not.

This is batshit. Stop making excuses. You can't complain when you willingly hand DD over. What would you do if your parents weren't there?

I still don't know why I should pay my parents for childcare though

Do you even pay your DD's expenses when she's with your parents?

What would you do if your parents refused to have your DD or go and pick her up? You treat them like a default childcare option which you expect to be constantly available to you and which still you use grudgingly and complainingly - can't you see that they're actually doing you a huge favour and facilitating your life? I don't throw this word around and I think it's overused but you do come across as being quite entitled. You're not entitled to your parents' time and money spent in raising your DD, you know. They're putting themselves out for you and for her.

In an average week what is the breakdown of how many nights she spends in each household?

who gets the child benefit etc for her?

Dear God, I can't even think where to start. I don't know what to make of your version of your parents, but I am not convinced that you should have responsibility for a child. And that's based on what you say about you.

You are making very, very poor choices. Your poor daughter.

Aww @Violashift your comment has helped me a lot thanks.

@Loachworks I don't willingly hand her over, I do so out of necessity, ie when I'm at work or plans to go out drinking.

@Goldbar why would I pay expenses when she's at my parent's? I agree though, I'd be up the creek without them. My dad also pays for my cars and car expenses, so can't kick off too much or else I would have to pay for that myself or start getting buses. I'm a bit more chilled out about things now though and gives me more time to do housework or go out shopping or drinking.

I get the child benefit as I put it in my name when I wasn't working much as I thought I needed it for NI credits a couple of years ago. I let my ex claim child tax credits as he was working and needed the money. I also keep the benefit as he would just waste it. I buy clothes and food and other bits and bobs now and again for them when he's really struggling.

@Aquamarine1029 What are my bad choices?

Anyways, I took her out today to the pub (where there is a play area and I can have a carvery 😊) and have her tonight as when I took her back to her dad's he said he needed a break due to her behaviour. She came without any fuss which was a surprise. So nice to have some time with her and I will drop her off at my mam's in the morning before work.

There's no set routine due to my hours, but I don't think it makes much of a difference as her behaviour was the same before when ther was routine.

She's a happy child most of the time, just has a bit of a temper and emotional when she has to do things she doesn't want to.

You really are staggeringly entitled to think you can get your parents to provide free 24/7 on demand childcare for your child, get them to pay her expenses whenever she's with them, dip in and out of parenting whenever you please and still have a leg to stand on when telling them how you think they should look after your DC.

The reason you might pay your child's expenses is because that is what normal parents do for their children. Why don't your parents at least get the child benefit?

This cannot be real surely? Are you trying to come up with a script for some massively entitled brat @TalkToTheHand123 who finally sees the light and steps up to be a decent Mom all reception arc-like?

Hopefully my parents will feel guilty and let me see her more and let me take her from their house, if not, no great loss, I'll just pick her up more from the ex. So no great loss if your parents retain primary care of your child because you can just take over your exs time so she doesn't see her Dad instead?
.
I don't willingly hand her over, I do so out of necessity... to go out drinking so alcohol matters more than her?

My dad also pays for my cars and car expenses, so can't kick off too much or else I would have to pay for that myself... gives me more time to... go out... drinking.

Based on the job they did with you, maybe they aren't the best people too raise her

I don't dip in and out, it's only because of my work, which hasn't been very flexible recently and unreliability with the ex. I have been having her or wanting her at every opportunity until recently when I've lost the energy to fight with them.

They wouldn't want the child benefit because they don't need it and would rather I keep it as I need it more. I used to get £20 from my mam each week up until covid. I didn't really need it, but it helped. They don't want me to struggle. They knew my ex was a bit of a p take with money and they don't mind helping me if they know I'm working hard.

I have quite a few more holidays than I realised, so can spend even more time with her over the next few weeks.

The drinking comment was a little bit of a joke. I've been out once in a good few months, although it is important to let your hair down now and again 😊.

I don't dip in and out so how many days have you had her in the last fortnight and what did you work?

The thing is... if you can't stand on your own two feet and commit to when you can have your DD, then they're effectively your DD's default 'parents' and you're essentially a Disney parent who's around when you feel like it. So you don't really have the clout to interfere with how they parent your daughter because you're financially and practically dependent on them.

You've given lots of reasons for why things are the way they are for you, but most parents have to pay for their children and make their work commitments fit around their children and their available childcare. Yes, having 'free' childcare in the form of family is a huge benefit, but it often comes with strings attached and in your case it's that the boundaries have become blurred as to who are the parental figures in your DD's life. If you want to be respected as your child's primary parent, you actually need to be fulfilling that role in her life.

I've had her about 2 or 3 nights in the last fortnight. It's usually about 2 or 3 nights per week. I've got a few holidays to use up before the end of the year so I'll try get them in for days I'll be more likely to be able to have her with the least amount of aggro.

I can commit and I drop everything apart from work if it's too short notice to have her. I'm just not able to have her at certain times as my parents or ex make it practically impossible.

They can do what they like with her. I don't really care at the moment unless it's major. When I get pushed to the limit though and get really angry, they back down. I just prefer not to kick off usually.

I've had her about 2 or 3 nights in the last fortnight. It's usually about 2 or 3 nights per week

Wow 2 or 3 nights, so not even full days? out of the last 12 They really are doing the majority of the parenting. They're providing your child with a stable routine and you think you can storm back in, demand things to be done your way and kick off at them organising visits and other medical appointments without your knowledge. Why would you they consult you over every little life decision when they're the ones raising your child. Even on a good week you still have her less than your parents.

It'c clear that your job is more important to you than your child. And as for this comment They can do what they like with her. I don't really care at the moment unless it's major. I've seen people who care more about their pet than you seem to care about your child.

My Mum was like you, there was actually a court case when I was a baby between SS, my grandparents and my mother of where I should live, my iother actually got custody, kept claiming child benefit but never collected me from my grandparents who brought me up.

I think your parents need to get a court order and protect your child from your chaotic lifestyle. She desreves so much more than the scraps you are throwing her!

They are raising your daughter and paying for everything. You aren’t.

either you adapt work and she lives with you and you parent
or they do - you can’t have it both ways.

Im a single parent with two children and a useless ex who does nothing. I parent. They live with me. My parents are abusive - helll would freeze over before they lived there despite it being 5 minutes away.

Your kid is really angry at you, and hurting because of your lifestyle. Clearly you have enough of a work record to change your job to one which offers more child friendly hours even if you had to use pre or after school provision. And be there for teatime, reading time, bedtime, nightmares, breakfast time. And fun stuff at the weekend - why aren't you going to watch her do her gymnastics like Nanny does.
Poor kid is living a zero parent life, not single parent, and you are just disrupting and dramatising the stability she has with grandad and nanny.

I'm sorry but you're not the primary caregiver, you don't get to set the rules. It doesn't matter if you're the parent or not.

Your DC must be so confused with differing levels of discipline etc. You're a non-resident parent and should be paying towards your child's costs.

To me the most concerning thing here is your unwillingness to see things from anyone else’s POV. you and your ex are both unreliable (and by the sounds of things also fraudulently claiming child benefits)

your poor daughter is being passed from pillar to post when it suits you and your ex with no thought of how that impacts her.

your parents are being expected to provide 90% of the childcare yet with no recognition from you of the impact that has on their lives but you make it sound like they should just do it because it works for you

I've had her about 2 or 3 nights in the last fortnight. that's the very definition of dipping in and out. Daddy is paying for you car, you're paying them nothing towards the child YOU chose to have, surely you must have enough savings to look at proper childcare or a job where you're able to actually raise her. Or be honest. Tell her your job matters more and hand over custody and arrange visitation and pay your parents.

There are many cultures where the grandparents basically raise the kid whilst the parents work away but they're honest about it and pay to support their kid

Yes 2 or 3 night in a fortnight, but that was because I got screwed over by my parents and ex. I would have had her more if they hadn't.

They may be having her more at the moment but she is still my daughter. I've raised her 90% of the time from birth up to about a year ago when me and the ex split up and hopefully have her more once things settle down.

When I say they can do what they like with her, I mean take her out for activities. I got annoyed because I would have plans and they have messed them. If it was the other way round I would check with them first. I just think it's common courtesy.

My daughter isn't angry with me at all. She wouldn't have been upset when I'd left otherwise. She loves it when I turn up and likes me taking her out and doesn't mind me having her when others aren't making it difficult.

Again, there's no reason for me to pay them, they wouldn't accept any money anyways. They don't need or want it.

Obviously you are in a difficult situation given you are a lone parent and work shifts which is not child friendly. I think it depends on how many days you work before saying you should change jobs. Are you working the same shifts every week? If so presumably you are only working three days if full time as that is 36 hours? Is she with your ex on any of those days? I would look to reduce your dependency on your parents if they don't follow your parenting approach and undermine you. Alternatively accept that in their house it is their rules. You can't really have it both ways in that you want them to parent your child you work but it is difficult to say they should follow your rules then given she is difficult unsurprisingly given she is living between three homes and presumably three different parenting approaches.

Next time if you are not working you should keep her with you so walking out when you had plans to spend the day with her was a mistake. You are the adult so you need to make sure your DD knows you are the parent.

This doesn't read as you're the parent. I think if you want to be the primary caregiver to your child you need to distance yourself from your parents in every way: financially, physically, emotionally. They've assumed all responsibility in this situation because you haven't.