Parents taking over parenting

[TalkToTheHand123]

I'm starting to lose my rag.

I split up with my ex about a year ago now and with the ex being very unreliable, I've had to rely on my parents for help as I work full time.

I used to just stay over when dd6 was with them sometimes instead of travelling backwards and forwards, but started to get annoyed with their soft approach to parenting and their interference when I was being firm with dd6, so I stopped staying over. (My dad would let her read at half eleven at night).

I was over there yesterday and was being firm with dd6 as she'd been to gymnastics (arranged by my parents, but which I had agreed to) and I wanted her to get changed straight away and wouldn't let her out of her room until she changed clothes. She did her typical stomping and screaming to get my parent's attention. My dad started shouting up the stairs to tell me I was doing it wrong and causing her to scream (they've been in a 1,2,3 magic course and think they know it all now). I just walked out.

Now I've just received a message to say they've taken her out for the day so won't be in.

Is it me or what? Should I not be able to have a say where dd6 stays or goes? This is my second day off out of three and had plans with her and they've just totally screwed it up. They spent most of my life trying to control me and now they are doing it with my daughter. I'm so annoyed.

It's been proven children who read too much have attachment issues to the world around them, so whilst reading is wonderful, (my DH is a writer) and I love books, we want our kids to engage in a healthy balance of imagination and reality.

I'm not trying to knock you or be a twat, just something to keep an eye on.

Rubbish. The research actually says that some children may use reading to avoid situations and circumstances that cause them discomfort or anxiety. There is no such thing identified as "reading too much" - and attachment issues are identified through a complex series of factors, not just "do they read a lot". Books do not cause attachment issues. For much of my early school years I "read too much" - not because of attachment issues but because most of the children around me couldn't keep up with my mind and I found them boring. I also found school boring. My "attachment issues" were solved, not by reading less but by moving to a school where my brain was challenged, and my peers could keep up with me. Not by reading less. Had I been forced to read less I might then have had real problems.

The first line of this is just utter bollocks. No researcher involved in this kind of research would say what you have said.

You've been into every school and observed every class, have you?

One of my jobs was to observe literacy across a London borough, so yes I have been into a LOT of schools and it just doesn't happen. Reading is structured to take all abilities into account, they just move up to the next level. Taking a child out of class creates all kinds of social issues so they prefer them to remain with their cohorts.

This is bollocks (DH also a writer btw).

OK it's bollocks.

She's always been over emotional. I think some people just are. I know a few adults who are like this. Although I do try help her deal with her emotions.
I don't go to my parent's just to boss her, it's just she's usually out of control when I get there.
I don't get tired putting her to bed after just one night, although it can depend on how tiring my day has been. Even when I've been tired, I've always just powered through. I'm not really a one to give up on anything.
Again, parents aren't the main carers, they've just had her a bit more than usual while my job changed and her dad wasn't well.
I agree it's a little unusual situation, but grandparents usually like to return their grandchildren, mine like to keep them, which was the main point of the thread at the time as I felt they were trying to control what happens to my daughter instead of allowing me to make the decisions.
The reading above must happen or I'm going coocoo. She did this at her old school as well as her latest school, but I think it's because my parent's actually requested it (without my knowledge). This is just for storytime reading where she goes into the class above for an hour or something each week. I'm not 100% on how I feel about her doing this but she seems happy enough to do it. If she said she didn't like it, I would put a stop to it.

but grandparents usually like to return their grandchildren, mine like to keep them

You can try and twist it to blame your parents all you like OP but it's right there in your first post. I just walked out. They like spending time with their grandaughter but you're the one leaving her.

What’s this thread for?

(I mean OP said she does not want advice. Is it a blog?)

Yes @Whinge I did walk out, which was a one off, but under the circumstances I'd say understandable. Although the tables have turned a bit as they are less keen to have her as she's starting to kick and hit them when my parents start getting annoyed with her not doing as she is asked.

I've just been of the mindset to just accept she's going to behave emotional and have bad behaviour and just try help her as best I can. But now after witnessing how my parents are struggling with her, I feel I need to do something more.

Should I be shocked that a 6 year old hits a grandparent? I'm sure other kids do it. I'm not saying it's ok, just don't think it's that shocking.

Obviously I'm going to try crack down / help dd6 to not hit and control herself better. The school have tried to help but these 'professionals' don't seem to be able to as I have a couple of friends who have reached out to them with no success.

@Theskyisfallingdown I originally started the thread for views on who should make the decisions. It appears I was in the minority, which is fine and things have worked out ok anyways. The issue now is how to improve her behaviour (which was the same before the changes, so isn't down to that).

You should take the lead with your behaviour op. What exactly is your dd doing that you’re objecting to and how much time is she spending in each house? She i little and may be acting out due to confusion at being in 3 different households with 3 different sets of rules. It’s no point challenging her behaviour if is a product of her environment.

i really don’t understand why you refuse to do the course your parents did. They clearly are better gps than parents. This course is specifically designed to help parents tackle situations better and elicit better behaviour, so why would you not think you could find answers to your current dilemma of trying to improve your dd’s behaviour?

She’s only 6. All behaviour is communication.

Hi@Mummyoflittledragon and thanks for your post. I totally agree the behaviour is her way of communicating. My challenge now is to make other parties understand this.
I'm objecting to my parents getting overly annoyed with dd6's behaviour and having to go to her dad's to get her to school when he is unable to due to her behaviour at his.
I did try and be firm with her from the start so bad behaviours wouldn't become a habit, ie taking her for time out for hitting or shouting. I gave up because I got shouted at for 'being too harsh'. Now that she's a bit older and the behaviour has been allowed, they get the behaviour like this and they wonder why.
I feel I don't need the course because I've already learned about what it entails. I've learned to keep calm when she kicks off and have a lot more patience and understanding with her. I've never asked for help as when she is with me, I can cope well with her, I just get a bit exhausted as I'm not as fit as I used to be and work can take it out of me too.
I do keep researching for tips and open to advice though, especially if it can help other parties involved.
My plan at the moment is to write a list of what to do in general and difficult circumstances which work well and take it from there.
She's currently with her dad for a few days and I'll pick her up on Friday unless I get a text to say he can't cope and have to get my paren't to get her which has been the regular case lately.
He was supposed to be working weekends which is why we agreed for her to be at his for a few days through the week. He's hard work so I just go with it even if I could have her as I just spend time with her at my parents if need be. I have quite a lot of holidays before the end of the year so should have plenty time with her in the next few weeks at least as can pick her up directly from school.

I've learned to keep calm when she kicks off and have a lot more patience and understanding with her

Really? Because your response to her refusing to get changed was to lock her in her room, and when that didn't work you walked out and left her with your parents.

I wanted her to get changed straight away and wouldn't let her out of her room until she changed clothes.

You don't think it's shocking that a six year old kicks her grandparents? You think other kids do it? I honestly despair. No, they don't. Unless they are troubled kids. And that is your answer.

You "try", you "give up", you "go along with it". Most parents are tired and even exhausted. I'm sorry, but that is not an excuse for letting things get out of hand.
You are the epitome of an apathetic parent.

Please ask school for help. Send them this thread if its easier than talking.

There's early help they can refer you to as well as support in school for your daughter (who isn't finding this easy as her behaviour shows.)

I'm sorry things are escalating OP.

What do you think is causing her behaviour to get so bad that three of the four adults looking after her (her GPs and her Dad) are finding her too challenging?

You've said behaviour is communication- what do you think she's communicating?

As a past poster has said, I would strongly consider that having three lots of different rules and perhaps not as much 1 to 1 time with her Mum is playing a role.

Good luck

I took her to her room and stood inside the room in front of the door for a few minutes.
I think her hitting my parents is terrible and unacceptable but I'm not shocked. There are a few kids in her class who have hit her. I'm sure they are no saints at home. I know friends who have said it happens with their family and to others and the teacher. I've watched it happen.
I give up with my parents, not my child when she is with me alone.
School are involved already via a request from her dad although as you can tell, there is not much progress.

She's confused OP. She doesn't know where home is.

Thanks @Ontheedge2 for the kind words. Her behaviour has always been a bit wild. The reason my parents struggle is they don't have much patience with anyone and are a bit stuck up. They were and are like that with me. They are disappointed I'm a support worker and not something like a doctor or a lawyer.
I can be quite a jovial sarcastic person quite often, but they get really mad with me for this, so I have to watch what I say.
They stay up quite late usually every night so are quite tired through the day.
The ex suffers depression and doesn't take his medication regularly (and isn't the sharpest tool in the box).
@guidedbythelightt she's not that bothered about where home is, she just likes to play with her toys and have lots of screen time but struggles to motivate herself to do things she doesn't want to do like go to school or do her chores.
Hopefully over the weekend I can help my parents understand how to understand her ways and handle her a bit better.

So you know hitting and kicking her grandparents is bad but think lots of kids do it so it's not a big deal, and you stopped reprimanding her for it because your parents thought it was OK for her to do it.

I despair.

I'm not saying it's not a big deal. I'm saying other kids do it and it's not uncommon. I haven't stopped reprimanding her. My parents don't think it's ok. How you have came to these thoughts from what I stated is rediculous.