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Original poster

Parents taking over parenting

199 replies

TalkToTheHand123 · 23/10/2022 09:35

I'm starting to lose my rag.

I split up with my ex about a year ago now and with the ex being very unreliable, I've had to rely on my parents for help as I work full time.

I used to just stay over when dd6 was with them sometimes instead of travelling backwards and forwards, but started to get annoyed with their soft approach to parenting and their interference when I was being firm with dd6, so I stopped staying over. (My dad would let her read at half eleven at night).

I was over there yesterday and was being firm with dd6 as she'd been to gymnastics (arranged by my parents, but which I had agreed to) and I wanted her to get changed straight away and wouldn't let her out of her room until she changed clothes. She did her typical stomping and screaming to get my parent's attention. My dad started shouting up the stairs to tell me I was doing it wrong and causing her to scream (they've been in a 1,2,3 magic course and think they know it all now). I just walked out.

Now I've just received a message to say they've taken her out for the day so won't be in.

Is it me or what? Should I not be able to have a say where dd6 stays or goes? This is my second day off out of three and had plans with her and they've just totally screwed it up. They spent most of my life trying to control me and now they are doing it with my daughter. I'm so annoyed.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 31/10/2022 17:28

They are acting as her parent because they are functioning as her parents. They can’t wait around for you to see if you are going to happen to want your daughter on any random day. Do you contact them as soon as you get your next block of hours and ask for the minimally required child care coverage or are you just defaulting to your daughter living with them?

If she is spending the majority of her time with them, then they get a significant voice in discipline. The rules should be consistent so your daughter doesn’t have to guess the current rules at any given moment.

Original poster
TalkToTheHand123 · 01/11/2022 14:59

She's supposed to be with the ex when I don't have her and only with my parents for gymnastics and emergencies. This is what's been happening usually until the last few weeks / months when the ex started to become unreliable.

I work 37 hours per week on average over 3 or 4 days and my hours change each week.

The parents were like this when I had her 100% (telling me what I should do etc).

I'm just going to have to start telling them when I have plans for her so they don't mess them up.

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 01/11/2022 15:35

The parents were like this when I had her 100% (telling me what I should do etc).

You seriously sound like an immature teen that NEEDS to be told what to do and I say that as someone who was a Mum at 15 with zero external help from parents or family.

Honestly do whats best for your dd and let your parents crack on actually parent her.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6 year olds Families General parenting
Original poster
TalkToTheHand123 · 01/11/2022 21:14

I wasn't kicking off about my parent's trying to dictate my parenting, I was simply explaining I didn't agree with it at that the time spent with them had no bearing.

What's best for my DD would be for ME to be allowed to parent MY child. But it is what it is and I will just do what I can.😂

OP posts:
Sirzy · 01/11/2022 21:18

You can parent your child, when your not sending her elsewhere 5 nights a week.

you must be able to see that as things are at the moment your handing over parenting.

if you where to ask your daughter where is “home” which house do you think she would say?

CurlingTwinklingSky · 02/11/2022 06:33

Also can’t understand what’s happening.
when you finish work at 8 pm, collect daughter and take her home.
Get up early and drop her off, before work the next day,
This is what people would normally do.

amyds2104 · 02/11/2022 06:36

TalkToTheHand123 · 01/11/2022 21:14

I wasn't kicking off about my parent's trying to dictate my parenting, I was simply explaining I didn't agree with it at that the time spent with them had no bearing.

What's best for my DD would be for ME to be allowed to parent MY child. But it is what it is and I will just do what I can.😂

But you aren't parenting your child. Your parents are. I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself because you are saying your ex is unreliable but you don't sound like a consistent figure in your child's life either which is sad.

I feel your pain because I have a job I love with long hours, however I am in the process of looking for something else because my children arent getting what they need from me. Your daughter isnt getting what she needs from you but she is from your parents.

Your defeatist attitude of "it is what is and I will just do what I can" basically isnt good enough. You have a child who has 2 inconsistent parents and it's only going to end badly for her.

piesforever · 02/11/2022 06:38

We had this, absolute nightmare, ended up paying for childcare instead (some childminders and nannies will accommodate shift work) Expensive but needed to be done.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/11/2022 06:39

piesforever · 02/11/2022 06:38

We had this, absolute nightmare, ended up paying for childcare instead (some childminders and nannies will accommodate shift work) Expensive but needed to be done.

Have you RTFT?

Whinge · 02/11/2022 06:53

ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/11/2022 06:39

Have you RTFT?

Show quote history

It's currently showing in trending so I suspect the poster just read the first post and replied. At least I hope that's what happend, as i'd hate to think there were more children out there with parents who are opting out of parenting and think they're actually doing a good job Confused

Kissingfrogs25 · 02/11/2022 06:56

All I can think of is the poor little gilr in the middle of this war zone you have created op.

She is your child, and as such all of your days off should be on a day she can be with you, she should be living at home every single day for stability and for time with you. Routines and quality time.

You have outsourced parenting to your parents, which is especially negative for your child in light of your so called narc father.

A complete overhaul is needed of your hours, arrangements and parenting.

Bertie85 · 02/11/2022 07:08

You sound really angry, your dad sounds angry and your Dd sounds angry.
Remember you’re only a year post separation and maybe you've not dealt with that properly yet. Your words don’t sound like a woman who has some calm in her life or any perspective. It takes years to properly get over a break up. Your dad probably feels you’re giving him mixed messages and your poor child is stuck in the middle.
Time for a big over haul and time to do some looking in the mirror and asking some difficult questions.
Your child needs you, needs stability from both houses and needs you to be in a great headspace to set boundaries without the anger. Surely there’s been enough conflict in the separation, no more now.

Whatsleftnow · 02/11/2022 07:12

What do you think went through your dd’s mind when you stormed off?

You say you want to be allowed to parent but you don’t seem to have any empathy for your dd.

Afterfire · 02/11/2022 07:14

CurlingTwinklingSky · 02/11/2022 06:33

Also can’t understand what’s happening.
when you finish work at 8 pm, collect daughter and take her home.
Get up early and drop her off, before work the next day,
This is what people would normally do.

This.

You're choosing to effectively let your dd live with your parents and then wondering why things have become so difficult. Absolute madness.

Darbs76 · 02/11/2022 07:15

I’d personally look for another job and use paid childcare. Been there, done that. Second time around I used paid childcare, far far easier. It won’t get better unless you keep using them

user1471462428 · 02/11/2022 07:15

There are two options as I see it:
A. Become a real person parent. Go to your job and explain you need to go on set shifts. If they can’t accommodate then find an employer who will. Ensure you have her 5/7 with dad doing the other 2/7. Do a parenting course. Stop bloody smacking (it’s a shitty thing to do and one day she’ll smack you back). Get on top of her behaviour, she is attention seeking as she craves stability. Allow your parents to be grandparents so trips to the park/cinema/soft play no overnights no childcare. Don’t have anymore children ever.
B. Sign custody formally over to your parents. Pay maintenance (and I don’t mean shitty CMS rate). Support their parenting of your child. Discuss with your child that’s in her best interests to have one secure, stable home and that you will still see her. Don’t have anymore children ever.

HiveBee · 02/11/2022 07:15

Be very careful a friend of mine ended up in a custody battle with her parents when she tried to move on independently.

ScrambledOrPoached · 02/11/2022 07:20

I’ve read all of your updates OP and as I understand it:

  1. your child lives with your parents full time.
  2. you see her when it suits you, as you like days off mid week to do things you fancy whilst she is at school and you like to go out drinking
  3. you have no financial responsibility for your child
  4. she is 6 years old and you work 8-8 so ultimately you don’t see her any evenings during the week unless off work

the way I see it, you aren’t actually a parent, you’re ultimately the grandparent in this situation with a complete lack of day to day involvement.

your parents therefore are right to manage discipline and her schedule, because you’ve basically handed her over.

this was your choice.

change the situation with your work and start parenting your child yourself if you want the control, which is what it sounds like here, from locking her in her room and forcing her to get changed the second she walks through the door.

NKFell · 02/11/2022 07:20

You started losing me with the 'lol' and laughing face emojis at anyone who has a different opinion to you. Some agree with you, some don't- what did you expect?

You're saying they're controlling but you're using them because it suits you. At the end of the day, if you're unhappy with the situation, change it; find alternative care or try discussing it with them.

Good luck! I hope you find something that suits everyone.

H007 · 02/11/2022 07:20

You parents seem like you are doing a pretty good job of ensuring your daughter has a good life including extra-curricular activities etc. you can’t expect them to look after her the majority of the time and then only do the things you want them to do. If you are working from 8am-8pm it probably has little to do with what your parents are doing and more to do with the fact they are there for the reason your DD is responding more to them. I would suggest changing your job if you are unhappy with the situation to allow you to be there.

ScrambledOrPoached · 02/11/2022 07:22

P.s this poor little girl has lost her dad and her mum in one fell swoop. She is the most important person here and your parents are offering her the stability she needs.

ABBAsnumberonefan · 02/11/2022 07:23

Wow 😮 you seriously sound like an immature brat.

ButterflyBiscuit · 02/11/2022 07:25

Where does she live most of the time? It sounds like your parents?

Do you stay there when you visit? It sounds like that's the case rather than take her home.

Did you have kids young? While you were still at home?

It does sound like your parents have stepped up into the parenting role but also from your thread that it's not a role you've wanted most of the time.

Have you got any support? Family worker? Social worker? Did you have a health visitor? If you want to be a better parent there is help out there.

LittleBearPad · 02/11/2022 07:33

You’re taking the piss OP.

Your parents are parenting your child whist you and your Ex drift in and out when it’s convenient to you. If you want to be her parent you need to act like one and stand on your own two feet

theladywiththelamp · 02/11/2022 07:34

I am convinced these are either the posts of a troll or someone so entitled and deluded it’s mind blowing. Your complete lack of insight or reflection on your inadequate parenting is astonishing. It’s all about you. You want your parents to do the heavy lifting free of charge to suit you, but you also want to swoop in when it suits you a couple of days a week and have them parent your way. Your Dad’s a narcissist - you say - but you take their cash for your car and their money because it’s a better option than having to sort your own shit out and be a present, full-time parent.
Get your act together, take full responsibility and stop being such a child yourself. And a PP was right - for the love of god, don’t have any more kids.