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Original poster

Parents taking over parenting

199 replies

TalkToTheHand123 · 23/10/2022 09:35

I'm starting to lose my rag.

I split up with my ex about a year ago now and with the ex being very unreliable, I've had to rely on my parents for help as I work full time.

I used to just stay over when dd6 was with them sometimes instead of travelling backwards and forwards, but started to get annoyed with their soft approach to parenting and their interference when I was being firm with dd6, so I stopped staying over. (My dad would let her read at half eleven at night).

I was over there yesterday and was being firm with dd6 as she'd been to gymnastics (arranged by my parents, but which I had agreed to) and I wanted her to get changed straight away and wouldn't let her out of her room until she changed clothes. She did her typical stomping and screaming to get my parent's attention. My dad started shouting up the stairs to tell me I was doing it wrong and causing her to scream (they've been in a 1,2,3 magic course and think they know it all now). I just walked out.

Now I've just received a message to say they've taken her out for the day so won't be in.

Is it me or what? Should I not be able to have a say where dd6 stays or goes? This is my second day off out of three and had plans with her and they've just totally screwed it up. They spent most of my life trying to control me and now they are doing it with my daughter. I'm so annoyed.

OP posts:
NukaColaQuantum · 02/11/2022 07:34

Your DD has, in the last year

  • had her parents split up
  • had her mother work an unsuitable job which means she gets little time with her
  • had her life go from one home to three homes with no discernible pattern

If you can’t see why that would cause extreme emotional distress, then you need help.

You need to get a different job, use paid for childcare, and pay for your own car. Your child needs consistency and routine.

Lwren · 02/11/2022 07:35

This can't be real.
Nobody is so much of a ungrateful dickhead to parents who give free childcare, pay for things including a car. I'm not having it.
Your parents sound like saints.

Summerfun54321 · 02/11/2022 07:37

What’s the actual genuine risk to your DD of you unclenching and just appreciating your parents input and help? In an ideal world you’ll have more parental control but you aren’t in an ideal world, you’re a lone parent that’s been shafted by your ex. Your parents have more parenting experience than you AND they’ve been on a parenting course. In this case I think you’d benefit from loosing your ego and listening to them.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6 year olds Families General parenting
PotentiallyPolly · 02/11/2022 07:41

Time for you to find a childminder and stop using your parents. Of course they’re going to take over parenting if they’re raising her.

SanFranBear · 02/11/2022 07:43

You've seen your DD for 2 or 3 nights in the last fortnight... can't actually remember, OP? Despite the fact you've said you work 3 or 4 days? So even if you completely dropped her on your workdays, you should have had her 6 or 7 days, not just nights, days as well.. what happened in half term?

I feel genuinely sorry for your DD as you seem clueless that you're not actually being a parent... I'm a single parent and I had to change my life completely when I separated from my DCs dad. You need to do the same or you will lose your DD completely and rightly so!

rattlemehearties · 02/11/2022 07:44

I don't get this at all. Now she's 6, you can surely collect her when you finish work, take her home, put her to bed in your house, then drop her off next morning after breakfast? These little routine interactions are parenting and offer quality time. Do you effectively get 3-4 nights off parenting?

sorrynotathome · 02/11/2022 07:45

As a PP said, you really don’t sound like a mother at all. Lots of comments about “spending time with her”, “having her” - as if you were a more distant relative. I feel for your daughter.

Untitledsquatboulder · 02/11/2022 07:46

Your parents look after your dd a lot, they clearly care for her to the point that they've gone on a parenting course to try and help with her behaviour. Now they are asking you to follow the 123 Magic techniques they've been using whilst you are in their house.

It's really not such a big ask. It's a pretty mainstream approach.

howshouldibehave · 02/11/2022 07:48

You sound like a petulant teenager stropping about how unfair your life is. Your parents are providing huge amounts of money for you as well as ‘on tap’ childcare. Your priority reads only as yourself. I feel dreadfully sorry for your child.

If your dad is a narcissist-don’t let your child be virtually raised with them. If your answer is, ‘oh, but he pays for my car and I can’t afford it without them’ you need to have a long look at your priorities.

LaGioconda · 02/11/2022 07:51

I'm just going to keep away as much as possible from them and only contact them when I need to until they accept that I decide where my daughter stays or does.

Well yes, you do decide when she goes. Do they physically stop you from taking her? And you run the risk that if you get bossy with them you lose all your free childcare.

CoastalWave · 02/11/2022 07:52

Hang on. So you left your ex knowing you working 8-8 and couldn't possibly parent in that time. You gave your parents the full time job of doing the childcare (presumably without pay)

And now you have issues with how they're doing it? (which also presumably you would know how they parents as you experienced it!)

Honestly. I actually couldn't leave DH even if I wanted to as I would have zero free childcare - no parents at all to rely on. So if I did have to leave him, I would have to sort out my working arrangements first

You're trying to have it all your own way.

I think it's unfair how you've clearly dumped on your own parents even though their parenting days should be well over - and now you're complaining you don't like how they're doing it (despite them going on a course by the sound of it of their own doing not yours)

I actually feel sorry for your parents.

Hellno44 · 02/11/2022 07:53

Change jobs and parent your own child.

cowbags73 · 02/11/2022 08:04

TalkToTheHand123 · 01/11/2022 14:59

She's supposed to be with the ex when I don't have her and only with my parents for gymnastics and emergencies. This is what's been happening usually until the last few weeks / months when the ex started to become unreliable.

I work 37 hours per week on average over 3 or 4 days and my hours change each week.

The parents were like this when I had her 100% (telling me what I should do etc).

I'm just going to have to start telling them when I have plans for her so they don't mess them up.

Utterly utterly baffled by this. You work 37 hours per week on average, you do 8/8 so 12 hour shifts, so you work three shifts per week? I’m not trying to catch you out just genuinely trying to understand the set up.

And you had her 2-3 nights in the last fortnight? I just don’t understand. It would make sense if she stayed with your parents on the days you work but all other times she should be with you.

I’m also confused at why you’re happy to accept financial assistance from your parents (for your car) and a huge amount of help caring for your dd - yet slate them at every opportunity. It does sound like they are just trying to create a stable environment for her - and not getting any thanks for it.

Your dd is being massively (negatively) impacted by this, and even if it doesn’t show now, it will do in later life. Please for the sake of her, listen to what others are saying and put her first. If you don’t like/agree with your parents style, don’t expect them to be the primary care giver. Change your job and take back over.

Alternatively, if you can’t/don’t want to be the primary care giver, be grateful they are there to step in and let them get on with it. The most important thing here is your dd. Not your job, not having days off in the week, not who has the better parenting style etc.

Spanielsarepainless · 02/11/2022 08:10

I feel sorry for your parents.

StClare101 · 02/11/2022 08:12

You walked out without your child? What on earth is wrong with you?

SandyY2K · 02/11/2022 08:14

The problem is that you rely on them for childcare and they're doing more parenting than you.

She stays with them more than you. You need to find alternative arrangements if you don't like it. I agree that them arranging covid jabs and taking her to the dentist without consulting you is wrong, but when you depend on people, this can happen.

You also get financial help from them for you car, so you're in a tough spot.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/11/2022 08:23
Hmm
Mummyoflittledragon · 02/11/2022 08:23

It sounds like your parents have learned from their mistakes in the past and are becoming much better grandparents, acting in the role of primary parents for their dgd.

Do you want your dd to be parented in exactly the same way you were parented?

Right now, what I’m seeing is grandparents, who are a bit lax but far more effective and loving than their mum. And their mum in terms of harsh and confusing discipline, has turned into the parents she had as a child.

If you think imprisoning your dd in her room because she wants to keep her gymnastics clothes on longer is good parenting, I despair. At 6, my dd wore the same dress for about 3/4 months straight and her pjs plenty when it wasn’t clean. It’s better to just roll with these phases as like all others, they will pass.

Unfortunately you are going to find out how your dd really feels once she reaches the tween / teen years. You’ll then find out she’s not a happy child. I imagine a lot of the smiles are masking and stress related.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 02/11/2022 08:24

So you think your father is a ‘narcissist ‘. Motes and beams,,OP.

ButterflyBiscuit · 02/11/2022 08:26

This either isn't real. Or if it is needs more than mumsnet - ie some real life family support (can be accessed via school.)

Really mumsnetters aren't going to be able to help here.

Moveoverdarlin · 02/11/2022 08:31

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head when you say ‘she pretty much lives in 3 homes’. Poor child is just passed from pillar to post. No wonder she plays up. I think your parents sounds like angels. They’ve even done a course! Try managing without them for a month and paying a child minder for the time your parents have with her. I think you’ll be changing your tune rapidly.

Flutterbybudget · 02/11/2022 08:35

This all sounds extremely stressful for all concerned, tbh.
You have every right to parent as you see fit, IF you are in fact being the parent. From everything you’ve said, it sounds as if you have abdicated that responsibility, onto your own parents, however difficult a choice that may have been.
Personal opinion is that you need to change your job, and find one that works for your daughter, who is currently being shunted around like an unwanted parcel, but if you think that is so inconceivable for you I suggest that you sit down with your parents and have a good talk about how this arrangement can be made to work for your daughter. She is the most important character in this fiasco.
Why don’t you attend the same parenting course that your parents did? Then you can decide whether this method of parenting is something that you can ALL implement. I can’t comment on that as I’ve never heard of it, and even if I had, not all techniques work for all children - but consistency DOES. You all have to start working together and singing from the same hymn sheet, for HER sake, and actually for the rest of you as well.
Co- parenting isn’t just for ex’s, but for anyone who is the position of authority for a significant period of time.

ShandaLear · 02/11/2022 08:35

Your parents are raising your child. If you don’t want them to do that you need to find another job or pay for childcare.

Cats23 · 02/11/2022 08:37

NukaColaQuantum · 02/11/2022 07:34

Your DD has, in the last year

  • had her parents split up
  • had her mother work an unsuitable job which means she gets little time with her
  • had her life go from one home to three homes with no discernible pattern

If you can’t see why that would cause extreme emotional distress, then you need help.

You need to get a different job, use paid for childcare, and pay for your own car. Your child needs consistency and routine.

Absolutely this!
You are not putting your child first at all.
You sound selfish and stubborn and can't see the issue at all- You are the problem, not your parents.
Your poor daughter

MrsSkylerWhite · 02/11/2022 08:45

I feel very sorry for your daughter.
personally, I would look for a job which allowed me to parent my own child.
if you’re not willing to do that and your parents are willing to do the lion’s share, you have to accept that they will do what works for them. You can’t have it both ways.